One year after her passing

[lucyhoneychurch]

Only on this board do I not have to indicate so much who the possessive pronoun "her" refers to... .

Two months had gone by knowing she was "at death's door" and absolutely knowing that whenever it did happen would be as dysfunctional as anything could possibly get.

It was - after 10 years NC, and in this modern age, neither enmeshed sibling left word with my adult children, it was on their Facebook and my one child called to tell me, as the other hadn't seen it yet (he's in military).

But that March day when I was told, I can only describe it as a REAL end. And the beginning of what can only be acceptance, as there was no more risk (she'd been calling here from the hospice, leaving VM's) no more opportunity for her mental illness to come at me anymore.

Only in my head and it's still there just not like when she was alive.

I wouldn't want my fellow daughters or sons of uBPD'd mothers to think their salvation will only come at the abuser's passing - I had to really break free long before that.

But it is the cement of the bridge to freedom in our minds.

That last thing. 

I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I was just... . was.

The only thing I resent, and am offended by so deeply I can barely name it, is at myself... . for not knowing sooner to break free. But how would I have known? she had five adults, including our father, jumping at shadows for years... .

No one else had ever set the example with her for me to follow.

I resent losing that time with my children when they were so small and so many early mornings for an hour or an hour and a half or two day after day on phone with her.

Visits where she wreaked havoc after a drive down there turned instantly sour and twisted.

I took my children into the lioness' den over and over and didn't know I did NOT have to.

But I will have to accept that as well, that I was just ignorant and thinking I was "keeping the family together"  and all that noble stuff.

You cannot be an abuser's rescuer and victim simultaneously. It creates a deadly ricochet echo in your head... .

Rescue yourself. Don't victimize yourself with any more time given to them than you have lost already. Maybe my years of doing so will be the warning someone out there needs.

It's okay to survive. It's okay to do what you must to survive.

That would be what I'd tell each of you in real life.

You will look in the mirror and ask, "what were you thinking?" but knowing you just didn't know better too.

Do that now, though. Don't wait. Make informed decisions if you keep contact.

Then it will be okay and you won't blame yourself for that time that was so wasted.

I'm smarter, not wiser, and only wish I'd seen the light when my babies WERE babies.

So the only way I will honor her passing is to remind all of you that you are worth it.

You matter. You are appreciated by some good soul out there, you are needed.

Be kind to yourself.

[Sitara]

I think it's natural to regret the time lost. I know I do. I saw the damage her behavior and mine from being around her, not fixing myself, had done to my oldest son. Fortunately he's young enough that we've been able to repair some of the damage.

It's worth it though, letting go of my FOO so that my sons can thrive. I've seen changes in my oldest. He's gone from timid, shy, unwilling to leave the adult's side to play with kids on the playground, scared of making decisions for himself, to a bubbly, more daring, happy and playful boy. Seeing these positive changes in him are all I need to know I'm on the right track.

Hugs to you lucy. 

[Pilpel]

Well said, Lucy.

We're dealing with a BPD SIL.  It's been quite an emotional journey even in an in-law relationship.  I can only imagine how much more emotional it is when you're the child of a BPD parent.  I come from a family that is very passive.  So she's run all over our family, trying to control and emotionally manipulate.  She's confronted me multiple times with crazy twisted accusations, and it's gotten me so upset, where I can't sleep and I feel fearful and confused on how to deal with her accusations and guilt.  But we moved away a couple years ago, and now, from a far, I see her doing the same thing to people all around her.  No kind-hearted person is immune from her nasty accusations and emotional manipulation. 

I feel sorry for her in a way, because I don't think she can help herself.  But when I see how she does it to EVERYONE, it makes me realize what a waste of time it was for me to worry and lose sleep over her.  I've spend hours and days trying to straighted up the twisted reality in her head and prove to her that I'm not the bad person she keeps making me out to be.  But I don't know if it's brought any enlightenment.  Her reality just gets twisted back up again. The only wrong way to deal with a person who is so emotionally destructive is to allow them to manipulate and control you and allow that chaos to affect your life and your loved ones. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

I responded to RUKIdding's posts and needed to vent a bit -

A dear lovely lady in our community has passed away after a fall that broke her upper arm, in her 90s, one of those southern elegant ladies they just don't make anymore  :'(  I took her white roses a week ago yesterday, her daughter who is 20 yrs older than I and acts like a prima donna highschooler even though a grandma in her own right and has had excellent jobs yet 4 failed marriages there - I got a very cold shoulder from her but knew it'd be like that just needed to see Mz Hazel and had no idea her life was in question - her surgery went fine she apparently succumbed within the next hour or so   :'( I am very sad for her daughter, it tosses her life once again into a heap of chaos but she's created so much of that herself... . so I have to stand out of the uBPD's kind of turmoil and just say, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

A man that I spend time with, wrote about in the Leaving section of this message board, was here for a brief visit last night. I made him a sandwich, made small talk... . he is going to the viewing tonight and then the funeral tomorrow. I had already told him on the news of Mz Hazel's passing that I wouldnt' go, as the 9th was going to be sort of a day for me to spend with myself in the sun that is supposed to be here -

Tomorrow the 9th being a year since I was told my mother had died.

So his phone goes off, he says that it's X from Scouts, there is going to be a committee meeting about mulch sales Sunday evening, you wanna go to meeting with me?

As only my sisters and brothers in the throes of living either with or after uBPD'd parents have put their stamp on your hearts - I had to laugh -

When I went on my late brother's birthday on 23rd  to the Blue and Gold banquet for the little Scouts, remembering my son's achievements and loving the little fellas, I watched this friend almost break his neck whiplashing around watching this one young mom. She is the only female in this community he does this way - he is 61, way old enough to be her father.

Long story short (no one believes me when I say that and rightly so  in real life too)... . the meeting's at her home, she is a very sweet young mom, dropdead gorgeous, but a tough litlte country girl... .

I told him after the 23rd's outing that he has got to be more aware of literally dropping his jaw when she goes by (she was wearing incredibly inappropriate attire, let's say, for a group of little boys and their families) as he represents Ruritans sponsoring the pack... .

He blanched a bit, didn't deny it, and said, "Wow didn't know it was that obvious."

Back to last evening when he stopped in... .

Just as his phone was ringing with a text, I said, "Well, get Sunday over with, sort of box up a whole year, that's that... . "

And he asks, "Wanna go to committee meeting after I get back from Hazel's funeral Sunday?"

I practiced active listening, said, "Committee meeting at X's house you mean?"

Yeah, uh huh... . why not... .

When I asked, Did you hear what I said about Sunday, I can see where maybe the date slipped your mind, I don't really think Sunday's a day for me to do much besides just chill in the yard if I can... .

So the next thing I know, he starts that thing people do with their fingers, ticking things off one by one... . "Well you didn't speak to your mother for 10 years, you have nothing to do with your father or your siblings, I had issues with my father and sometiems hated him but was THANKFUL for him too, I mean, WHAT am I supposed to say?"

All I could think with such an onslaught of resentment was, So okay it's about you keeping yourself safe from "saying the wrong thing" as you like to call it, which actually means you blew me off again about something really personal... . when I act as a sounding board for you... . wow okay... .

My verbal response was... . "you weren't supposed to say anything... . "

People can know all the reasons why you cut this parent off... . people can say, Yes I dealt with that too over the years with [mother or father] but they will project their own crap onto you in a heartbeat if they haven't dealt with their own stuff yet.

I cleared the plates, he left, I thought, "Yes, well, maybe her hubby will have to be the one to tell him to quit being creepy around her... . he heard me, I can't compete with a mid-20s young woman looks-wise... . whatever."

My brother's birthday and then this business about her death date - I am expecting someone I spend time with to remember we each have our days that might hurt us inside, even after time has passed even after it's been the better choice to go NC... .

Expectations are my problem every single time.

I am realizing how isolated I live, how I rely on this one person for my social contact. I avoid goign to the store even to the extent I run out of groceries... . i have three dear lovely female friends but they are in similar tough issues of their own and I feel like I bring them down when I unload... .

If I don't learn to be my own best friend, and do things that bring me joy (I am renovating a closet upstairs of all things, I love working on old houses, found the old stove thimble and a mantle shadow in the plaster behind ancient wall paper) and get outside soon... . I am going to lose alot of ground I've gained mentally.

Thank you all for being here when no one else is exactly volunteering.

I've got some nice cognac, I'm going to toast Mz Hazel tomorrow as they lay her to rest, appreciate the few times I was blessed to visit with her and enjoy her hospitality.

That will actually sort of be an ironically poetic way to mark my mother's passing - appreciating someone who was good to me.

Thank you for listening. Again .   

[PleaseValidate]

Cheers to Mz Hazel! 

[strangerinparadise]

Thank you for this, lucyhoneychurch. I always love reading your threads and replies as it has helped me tons.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Thought I had a grip on the game plan - work on house, be outside (it proved chillier than actual temps with stiff breeze), aim for this morning - yes, that would seem to just curtail any drama or issues whether real or up in the belfry.

Trying to also communicate with a couple who lost a soldier son this past October in what appears to be suicide but it has not been established as such to their friends in the community and they are dealing with a college daughter and teen son as well while they all grieve -

Mistakenly asked codger farmer, had come inside for potty break and to see what the status was as he and I had talked about concerning this family (he knows them much better than I), if he'd gotten any text back from the dad (the young soldier's stepdad but total dad in all regards) and wanted to text but not if they sounded like they'd maybe had enough for the morning of this soldier's birthday... .

So he starts sounding funny... . and I asked, I mean this is a codger farmer with 3 dogs, there usually isn't any great social event on a Sunday morning where I have to be concerned about interrupting anything... . he's usually on speaker phone which I hate as he also will go ahead and work on machinery and there go the eardrums again - in other words it's riskiest usually to my hearing ... . so I had to ask, thinking it's good manners, "Is this a bad time?"

Well someone had come up in the drive, long farm gravel lane... . and he ended up telling me later that he didn't have a chance to tell me someone was there - it ended up being the little great grandson of Mz Hazel, he wanted to come out to the farm where he's helped on tractors etc, his brother hunts in season, etc... .

So a comment like, "Hey listen, J and G are here, [the funeral only being a couple hours away, I'd already told him please please give those boys any time you can spare this weekend they need you], let me bounce off of here " that's codger speak for let me call you back... .

He ended up telling me he couldn't say that... . "explained" that dogs started barking as he was pulling on work pants, blah blah blah... . so plenty of time to verbalize, "J and G are here." He has hidden me from enough people via phone before like it's some shame for him to say, "Talking to Lucy, hold on just a sec, thanks... . " when someone shows up. We've had that conversation too many times.

The boys know me and love me, calling me Mrs Lucy all the time, asking him how i am... .

So of course on this weird day of all days, I go off in my head thinking, "My god, when do you qualify enough as a friend much less as a sort of whatever female companion to simply hear, Let me call you back?"

He told me my youngest was going to funeral with him, I thought that was a lovely thing.

I go into town to get my bed head winter hair dealt with by a lovely woman who takes care of me and my kids she's got children my kids' ages so always smiles and gives me TLC in buckets... .

I get back, go finish up in the yard/woods, and then finally just lose it.

My phone hadn't rung all day. Not in re: to the late uBPD'd mother just AT ALL.

Everyone I know has their phone 24/7, it's even an interference when you do see any of them. I have 7 contacts, I am that reduced in my life to really emergency contact numbers except for my two lovely lady friends who always hear me, and I them... .

5:20 in the afternoon, I just crawl into bed and bawl... . and the next thing I know my codger friend and my child are calling from my front porch - the funeral had been at 2, this was hours later... . I told both of them I was going to sleep and tired and upset.

Rotten dreams all night, but slept for 11 hours. Straight.

What I told Ellen, my salon lady, was that the biggest loss was this sibling who went from NC with parents and other sibling to one of the pack again within about a week of the two of us being told she was at death's door.

I lost the one solid blood kin that I thought was there for me like I'd been for him.

As Mrs Honeychurch tells Freddy in Room with a View, "Yes Freddy there is a right sort and a wrong sort," and she is simply talking about whom you can invite to tea and not.

There is a right sort of person who gives as good as they get from you.

My FOO was nothing but people who got what they needed, right down to being abusive about it, and then abandon you.

I formed friendships over the years with people just like that.

I finally made myself sit up before I fell asleep and do the, "Okay, crybaby, you're so invisible, it won't kill you, you've survived worse, what are you going to do about it?"

I'd gotten passport app at the PO 2 days ago. I am going to at least have a passport in hand and ready. My health concerns have kept me here but you know to hell with that... . this isolated stupidity is going to maim me even worse than risking hospital someplace else.

Sell the house. Love the house - she is my constant in any kind of pain... . I know every inch of her, every inch of my yard. I know where deer tracks and the turkey tend to track, I know my birds - sell the house, but then what?

I could do it.

But once sold, that'd be it.

No one is here enough, children-wise, to keep that in the "get real" list.

I can safely expect good things from my house. I can safely expect good things from the sky and my garden.

I need to look at it as I am going to be solidly independent and not think of it as "isolation."

That's what they do to naughty prisoners.

At this point in my life of all times, take the singleness and work with it - travel in the States and then perhaps overseas... .

There are no pets.

This codger farmer would whine, as he always does, "But what about me?" And what I always say is, "I am 51 and recently divorced and you cannot and will not be part of my plans because you prove too volatile and selfish and you know it as well as I do."  "Oh," is always his reply.

The plan with my youngest moving out, our agreement was, a phone call and hey, may I come by? the reason for child moving in with father was the disrespectful attitude here - no key so no drop ins... . *arrange* a visit with me, because you've lost years of my life to being all about you and my battling that.

Codger farmer is probably going to lecture me that I didn't come down, he handed my child his phone and I said, "It is not a good time, I am upset and I am going to get some sleep."

Ironically, even after he told me how he'd be here for me yesterday, there was a Scout meeting and it eradicated any available time after sweet Mz Hazel was laid to rest.

So yes, Freddy, there is a right sort and a wrong sort.  EM Forster, who wrote that novel, had such a finger on the pulse of human nature, how some gravitate to goodness and so many drawn to dysfunction and why perhaps... . Jane Austen even more so -

12 Years a Slave is the feature film in my short list after finally watching Cold Mountain two nights ago.  I've heard 12 Years is a a pretty brutal accounting of what happens to the human being who lives in chains and cannot escape -

I'm no Ada Monroe - I am not a belle, I am not a beloved daughter of a gentleman father, like in Cold Mountain, but my two lovely friends, who ask the same questions of life that I'm juggling, are so very much my Ruby, always there to jump start me again and say, Hey, let's get this place cleaned up [my heart], come on, get with it.

Both tell me about Codger Farmer as they know him:  Codger Farmer is always going to be Codger Farmer (I've known him 17 years so I know this too in my head).  They love me enough to help banish false expectations from the reality check.

I have no idea how I thought I could get through yesterday unscathed, but as so many times before, I did it, and I did it on my own and even with some landmines emotionally because I only have immature contacts the entire day (him and my child).

When any of you lose your abuser, be prepared for a feathering of hurt that weaves together about so many other things. I wrongly expected someone just to ask, how are you doing, how are you holding up a year later?

Just because you and I would ask does not mean anyone will ask us.

So I asked myself... . and I tell you, maybe a few brownie points - her passing was a month after a divorce was finalized, pretty much a misdiagnosis on my cardiologist's part that sent me spiralling as I thought it meant pretty much the end within a couple of years - further tests negated his first call on it.

The standby default feather landing of house and yard once again saved me.

If we don't build our own life raft in this flood of pain, no one else will.

It's the human condition I think.

We are islands, I hate to contest "No man is an island." Yes, yes we are.

Or we increase our suffering looking for someone to build a bridge to us.

Just gotta swim. Dog paddle.

I got very very wet yesterday, let's call it that.

But I got to Monday morning, I knew you all would be here and I could leave these words here like the tracks on my hill out back - this was where I travelled this weekend.

I need to change trajectory in a major way.

Bless each of you who kept scrolling. My Tasmanian friend calls this a "sook" when you just vent and rant and debrief. She travelled 14000 miles to see me this spring. And then back again. We are attached by events in our lives and it was magic to see her.

She emails all the time, Get out, go see [she names really awesome people she met the 3 weeks she was here], stop being alone.

And I listen because she was completely alone through catastrophic times until her angel of a 2nd hubby arrived in her life.

She knows.

Thank you.  

[PleaseValidate]

Oh Lucyhoneychurch, i feel for you on so many levels. I was particularly struck by this sentiment:

"When any of you lose your abuser, be prepared for a feathering of hurt that weaves together about so many other things. I wrongly expected someone just to ask, how are you doing, how are you holding up a year later? 

Just because you and I would ask does not mean anyone will ask us."

My uncle who physically, sexually and emotionally abused me died in summer 2012. I HAD to go to the funeral to take care of my sick aunt and Grams. NOT A SINGLE FRIEND showed up to help me mourn and they all new of my situation. Some replied, "Well you didn't like him anyways." EXACTLY! And yet I am FORCED to go to his funeral! Even my exh who is my best friend said flat out, "It just doesn't sound like a good time. " (Well Duhh!)

I am very sorry you have to go through this and that people aren't there for you in the way that they should be.


Many virtual hugs to you.

[lucyhoneychurch]

wow... . those very words, "Well you hadn't seen her in ten years, you didn't like or love her anyway!"

My heart goes out to you with this past damage from this man, your uncle, who did such terrible things to you. I happened to have adorably gruff, tough, but very loveable curmudgeon uncles all of whom spoiled me by blowing smoke rings (the one who smoked a pipe, to this day I can track down a pipe and just inhale and be about six years old again, standing at his knee to put my finger through the smoke ring), or reading me stories or just answering a gazillion q's from a very very needy little girl.

Yes... . just how much mental competence does it take to think... . well YES she hadn't seen X in years, and had good reason not to... . but god that must be so weird... .

I appreciate you "getting" it.

Tell you what... . validation is a funny thing... . went to shop for a really elegant Edwardian-styled setting for the diamond I just inherited that had once belonged to my maternal grandmother - apparently from those who could tell me about her, very much possibly uBPD'd as well as her daughter my late mother. I never thought I'd see this stone again.  In a local jeweler's who is always very very kind to me even when I go in scruffy and blue-jeaned from the yard... . and one of his salesladies is helping me look over a tray of every kind of breathtaking old-fashioned setting I could imagine... and I said just that - "I never thought I'd ever see this diamond again, much less be its caretaker... . alot of dysfunction in my family, that sort of thing... . " and the next thing I knew, this very sophisticated woman (it's in a downtown area where some extremely wealthy types shop at his counters), she sticks out her knuckles in a fist, and says, "Oh, wow, exactly, the ":)" word," and I asked, "You mean, dysfunction, you knew what i was getting at with one sentence?" she just nodded.

and smiled.  Kindly.

So big fist bump to you PV for giving me yet another example of "getting it."      haha just realized that's what the little green and blue guys are doing to each other... . ... .

[PleaseValidate]

Such a great feeling when others just "get it!" We must savor those moments and call upon them for strength!