Years Later

[CVA]

Not sure if I even posted at the right place. I just needed to come and get support from the veterans.

Seems like every so many months, something will trigger me, and grip my heart, as I know I still love my 'X", I know she has longed moved on, and I have to in many ways... Its just I have not met that someone to take her place. Its just when times like these, I have to admit that there is still love in my heart for her.  I only seem to remember the times when i was falling in love with her.  The idelaization phase they call it.  I really really thought I had the real deal... My heart did especially.

So. I have been having a thought to contact her... it flees as fast as I think it, knowing or telling myself it would not be good.  I just know that any wife, would love to know that her once love still loved her and my stance would be to repair the marriage... "meaning with a healthy person" . It just breaks my heart all over again... I have been feeling down the past two days. Went to church for the first time in a long time it seems. desring to make connection... I think what did me in the most was all the freinds or people i knew that she got close too... . man i lost alot of relationships... from her charming by proxy.maybe 12 to be exact... some with history of 14 years plus... I was warned by my therapist at the time to stay clear... and I heeded her advice, just the way she put it and grabbed my hand... I guess she saw how broken spirit i was... and in awee of my x'x behavior and abuse.  My therapist had this serious look and starred directly at me and said run. That i was dealing with a master manipulator.

anyway,, its been maybe 9 months since i felt this way... its just when it comes it seems like  forever and that this all happen just yesterday...

Do you ever stop loving the man or woman you so had hope for. prayed for. contended for?  I remember one thing she said distinctivly... That she loved me by afar. and could only love me with prayer. It shed great light, on how with me she could not be intimate, close, ... . its like i was such in a vulnerable place , newlywed and my heart wide open for intimacy... Crap we did not have sex till marriage... Something i never done before... thinking it was some grreat thing that i would be rewarded for lately with a blessed marriage... Boy was i wrong., all that anticipation to share myself with my wife and join with her, all the romance leading up to it... boy did i set myself up for a major hurting... I hate what happend... my ignorance,

well looking back i did not have this clarity as i do now,. the workings of the ties. and how i played into it on my part, my thinking. my hopes, and how i positioned myself perfectly for this to happen from a BPD...  

Its feeling good to write this down here... ... .who in the world has sex with thier wife for the first time and she vanishes for nearly a year 3 weeks after a hellish honeymoon... WTF.

[Tolou]

CVA-WOW that sounds devastating to go through... . I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.  I had friend who proposed to the love of his life, she said yes, they were together for 6 years.  They slept together for the first time after he proposed and she said yes, (highschool sweethearts)... . She was gone without a trace the next morning from the hotel room and with the engagement ring.  My friend was devastated TOO, we all were, a real WTFFFFFF moment.  But his life moved on, he didn't deserve that, but it happened.  And who knows if that person had BPD or something else.

You didn't deserve that either but it wasn't your fault.  And real love, it doesn't die, sometimes no matter how bad a person hurts you, I don't think it's wrong or crazy for you to still love them or care about them.  Now acting on it, I can't say?  But it takes time to heal, sometimes you think your getting there, then bam a trigger... . and I think that fine, keep it real with yourself, it's better than denial, that way you get to the core of it all.  And there are healthier people out there for you to meet but things happen in their own time.  That "idealization" stage is no joke, because you are thinking, I have found that special someone, things can never go wrong... . but there is no way in the world you could have known this person was disordered of suffering from BPD etc... . that's not your fault. And maybe it isn't their fault either, I am sure they suffer in their own ways as well.  But I truely believe for most people in these relationships if the partner is not in active treatment.therapy, it would have, will or was going to fall apart.

Learn from it, you stronger believe it or not.  I would hope in the future that you don't ignore those red flags again.  I would hope that in the future you know that real love take time to develop, not an empty "I love you" from someone who barely knows, or you think you know vise versa.

Keep working through it, you will have your ups and downs and everyone heals and gets through things in their own. Your not responsible for her, own your part in this 50% and try to move forward.

[bpdspell]

Hey CVA,

You're human and every once in a while your feelings on what "might could have been" will be triggered. It's all an evolving part of the detachment process. In many ways I am grateful to have met my ex because the devastation caused me to look within for a healing I never knew I needed.

Whether it's love you feel in your heart or not you have to remember to put things in perspective. This person cannot be idealized or put on a pedestal. This person betrayed you, didn't protect your heart, and treated you poorly. This cannot be forgotten as much as you may "love" or miss her. And though a considerable amount of time has passed I am certain that your ex is still borderline and troublesome in intimate relationships. As tempting as it may be resist the temptation to delude yourself. I sometimes wonder myself if my ex has changed but that doesn't matter to me now because I've changed and I would never want a person like that back in my life.

I understand the powerful grip of memories and the sadness of a lost dream but there is so much to look forward to beyond the memories of a sick, tortured soul. I think it's ok to love them but it's more important to love ourselves just as much.

What helped me to completely detach was to do the painful work of grieving the reality of "what is." This process hurts like hell but it helped me get over to the other side of freedom.

Spell

[CVA]

I am feeling better today, it was good for me to post, and even better to come read your responses... Thank you... Not sure what really triggered me, maybe the photo i saw of her the other day... she looked alot different,, like aged,, still pretty but older... . anyway i had a reminiscing affect on me...

I do have to remind myself that its not my fault... not totally... i may have reacted poorly and truly think i am a very patient man... but wholly hell i was taken to the edge for sure and pushed her away for my own protection... which of course triggered be aboandonemt. she realy had to be in control... and hated when i would set boundaries... Thing is i am sure i caved in, wanting to be at peace... anyway its all over, I am better off,... I thank God that i did not have kids with her... I think she tried that entrapment with me... saying she was pregnant. really throwing the kitchen sink at me making me wonder,, old highschool tactics,, but believable when coming thru a supposeldy grown woman,.

I may soend some time here on the board... thanks for the love...