How do I leave without it destroying my life further

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am starting to realize that leaving is the only option. I have been with my husband for 9 years married for 8. He has been diagnosed with several disorders and is somewhat in treatment, he doesn't always go but he goes at least once a month and sometimes 4 times a month.

My husband has a history of destroying my things. Personal things, he goes for what hurts the most. He is at home at all times of the day so I cannot simply pack while he isn't there. I know I need to protect myself but everything in me is telling me not to leave without it being permanent the first time I leave. If I walk out that door, I need to stay out and leaving all of my belongings is just not ok at this point. However he will stop me from packing everything I want to pack. He has been stuck on the idea of me cheating on him for the last couple weeks. It's to the point where I just cannot take it any longer. I am tired of being treated like a criminal in my own home by the man that is suppose to love and support me. He is constantly suspicious, he has put tracker things on my phone tried to record my phone calls, snooped through my computer and facebook and is just all around convinced I have cheated on him. I have a lot of fear though, so much so that it has prevented me from thinking clearly. Fear is what is ruling my actions at this point. Anyways, he is so stuck on the idea of me cheating he actually keeps telling me to pack my things and leave. However when I start to do this, he gets upset that I am actually packing everything. He starts to say that he knows I am cheating on him and that cheaters don't deserve to take anything and that I am lucky that he is allowing me to take my clothing.

I seriously don't feel like I have the strength to deal with this. I don't have the strength to leave even though I want to. I don't have the strength to Stay with No Contact. I feel very addicted to him and one of the things that has held me back is that I don't want him to hate me. If I leave I will be the source of his pain and I am certain he will hate me for the rest of his life. Of course I am more concerned that, that hate will turn into stocking and revenge behaviors towards me. I don't want to call the cops on him, he has serious PTSD from being beaten by cops and he has not been the same person since. Jail is not a good place for him and it will fuel his hatred towards me and his actions towards me if I do call the cops on him. To be clear if my life is in danger I will have no choice, but I would really like to avoid that.

How do I go about this? We also have two dogs that I am worried about. I would actually be ok with him taking them and taking care of them but I don't want him to hurt them. I really don't know if he is capable of it, he loves those dogs very much, but I know when he is in rage mode no other feeling really matters but his rage. I feel sick, I am not ok, and I am scared out of my mind. Because of change, because of danger, because I have based all my decisions on making him happy for the past 9 years. I feel selfish for staying this long, he is not happy at all, he's told me so many times. he knows that me being in his life is just causing him pain and him being in mine just causes me pain. But that doesn't make it easier for either of us to let go. I just need help, I really need help. Guidance, love, support, anything. I feel isolated and alone, I have kept most of what goes on in my home to myself, not even telling our shared therapist the worst of it. I am extremely Codependent it's destroying my life, I know that now.

[Cloudy Days]

I am starting to realize that leaving is the only option. I have been with my husband for 9 years married for 8. He has been diagnosed with several disorders and is somewhat in treatment, he doesn't always go but he goes at least once a month and sometimes 4 times a month.

My husband has a history of destroying my things. Personal things, he goes for what hurts the most. He is at home at all times of the day so I cannot simply pack while he isn't there. I know I need to protect myself but everything in me is telling me not to leave without it being permanent the first time I leave. If I walk out that door, I need to stay out and leaving all of my belongings is just not ok at this point. However he will stop me from packing everything I want to pack. He has been stuck on the idea of me cheating on him for the last couple weeks. It's to the point where I just cannot take it any longer. I am tired of being treated like a criminal in my own home by the man that is suppose to love and support me. He is constantly suspicious, he has put tracker things on my phone tried to record my phone calls, snooped through my computer and facebook and is just all around convinced I have cheated on him. I have a lot of fear though, so much so that it has prevented me from thinking clearly. Fear is what is ruling my actions at this point. Anyways, he is so stuck on the idea of me cheating he actually keeps telling me to pack my things and leave. However when I start to do this, he gets upset that I am actually packing everything. He starts to say that he knows I am cheating on him and that cheaters don't deserve to take anything and that I am lucky that he is allowing me to take my clothing.

I seriously don't feel like I have the strength to deal with this. I don't have the strength to leave even though I want to. I don't have the strength to Stay with No Contact. I feel very addicted to him and one of the things that has held me back is that I don't want him to hate me. If I leave I will be the source of his pain and I am certain he will hate me for the rest of his life. Of course I am more concerned that, that hate will turn into stocking and revenge behaviors towards me. I don't want to call the cops on him, he has serious PTSD from being beaten by cops and he has not been the same person since. Jail is not a good place for him and it will fuel his hatred towards me and his actions towards me if I do call the cops on him. To be clear if my life is in danger I will have no choice, but I would really like to avoid that.

How do I go about this? We also have two dogs that I am worried about. I would actually be ok with him taking them and taking care of them but I don't want him to hurt them. I really don't know if he is capable of it, he loves those dogs very much, but I know when he is in rage mode no other feeling really matters but his rage. I feel sick, I am not ok, and I am scared out of my mind. Because of change, because of danger, because I have based all my decisions on making him happy for the past 9 years. I feel selfish for staying this long, he is not happy at all, he's told me so many times. he knows that me being in his life is just causing him pain and him being in mine just causes me pain. But that doesn't make it easier for either of us to let go. I just need help, I really need help. Guidance, love, support, anything. I feel isolated and alone, I have kept most of what goes on in my home to myself, not even telling our shared therapist the worst of it. I am extremely Codependent it's destroying my life, I know that now.

[ForeverDad]

If you don't already have a counselor or therapist, find one.  It's clear to me that you FEEL you don't have support.  But you do, or can seek it out.  Look at all these things that could be different with support:

Contact your local domestic abuse center and find out what sort of support and resources they offer.

Contact your local police, describe your situation, listen to their advice and then do it.  If you seek a protection or restraining order, then never ever contemplate dropping it no matter how much he begs, pleads or promises or else you'll slip right back into this same mess.

Call friends or family to come over - or even the police - so you can pack in peace and not feel rushed or intimidated.  If you do call the police be aware they may not want to stick around for very long but they could ask him to leave and not return until after you've packed and gone.

Stop worry about your spouse since clearly he's not worrying about you, well, not positively.  Worry about yourself for a change.

Have you considered that many who are suspicious of infidelity are actually projecting their behaviors and contemplations onto others?  Could he be blame-shifting?

The reality is, when it's you or the pets, well, You come first.  Why not focus on the fact that thus far he hasn't harmed them and it may not be valid to compare yourself to the pets.  For all you know he may never harm them.

Frankly, the longer you allow him to treat you like this, the longer he will do it.  You've allowed him to trample your boundaries of proper behavior.  The relationship as it is now is abuser & victim, tyrant & target, dictator and appeaser.  Time long overdue for a change - but for the better!

Support is everywhere, seek it out!  Reach out to... . family?  trusted friends?  a counselor?  the local police, community and DV support numbers?  peer support (such as here)?

[Cloudy Days]

I actually did call a Domestic Violence shelter today to see what they could offer me and she gave me some good idea's on how to keep things safe. I don't have a car though so I don't know how I would get there or how I would get to work either.

One thing I am struggling with is that he does not work, he was just approved for disability and I have no idea when that will be coming but he was approved. We only have one car that his mother makes the payments on so it is hard for me to leave. He usually says he will take me to where I need to go, but I don't want to be in a moving car with him when he has the thought of me leaving in his mind, that is just Dangerous. I did talk to his mother today and she said she would pick me up if she is home and take me where ever I need to go. I pay everything on the house that we live at though. So I will need to figure out how to separate things financially. I am ok with paying the rent and utilities for a couple months until he can figure out where to go and give him time to get his money. I have been seeing his therapist for a bit now, she hasn't been a whole lot of help because she wants to see me in order to talk things out and I can't see her for another two weeks. It's the same therapist he sees.

I do know my husband has never cheated on me. If he had then he would probably tell me about it because it would hurt me. He makes sure to tell me that he wants to go cheat on me and he makes threats that he is going to go find someone. I honestly wish he would, it would give him another person to focus on.

I do feel that I don't have much support but I know it is because I have shut myself off from everyone. I didn't want anyone to worry about me. This was my choice to marry him and stay with him for this long against their wishes, I wasn't prepared to leave in the past so I didn't want anyone to know the hell I am living in because then they would just judge him and set him off making things harder on me. It has left me feeling isolated, I have zero current friends, except for my mother in law. And my parents are a bit dysfunctional themselves, so it just makes things all that much harder.

[Cloudy Days]

I just realized a huge flaw in myself. For some reason part of me wants to stay to prove him wrong, to prove to him that I haven't cheated. I know that he has no basis for his claims what so ever. Why does it bother me so much that he thinks I am cheating on him? In the past he has said that if I leave then it proves I am cheating on him. Why does the opinion of this delusional man matter to me? How do I stop letting this stop me from doing what I really feel is right. I cannot prove him wrong so I do I keep trying to? It certainly makes me feel crazy.

I am getting stronger, I am standing up to him however it scares the hell out of me because he doesn't like it. But for instance he wanted to come pick me up from work so we could hash this crap out some more. I told him no, told him that I am concerned for my safety and that if he really wanted to talk to me then he needs to do it when I get home. I have gotten into the car with him on many occasions and regretted it.

[MyGreatEscape]

Oh my gosh, CloudyDays... . I am scared for you. Where I live (in CA) the Police will do "standby" I think it's called if you tell them you are trying to move away from an abusive person. I know they won't stay long, maybe 30 minutes... . but ask about that possibility. Maybe you could get help from a local women's shelter... . people to help you get your stuff packed fast if you don't have any friends near... . ?

Not sure if I missed this somewhere, sorry if I did... . but does his mom know about his behavior and abuse? Would she help you in any way... . even if it's to occupy him away from the house so you can get your things?

[maxen]

hi Cloudy Days.

I do feel that I don't have much support but I know it is because I have shut myself off from everyone. I didn't want anyone to worry about me.

that's a hard place to be and i was there myself last june. my (stbx)w, who surely has BPD (my therapist's conclusion, confirmed as far as possible by my experience), ended our marriage on one hour's notice. she had lied about her fidelity, and lied about lying about her fidelity. she presented me with a done deal, which she had apparently brought a few others in on, and walked out and drove over to the other party's place directly and has been living there since. (her last words before leaving were "i hope we can be friends." i went into a state of shock. parts of me literally went numb. i managed to write an email telling what happened to two close friends and one cousin. that was about the sum total of my inner circle, if you can even call it that. the cousin wasn't even very sympathetic. the most horrifying aspect of the fallout was realizing that outside my marriage i was pretty socially isolated. i had never told anyone what my marriage was like either.

but - all responded that same evening, and two of them (a couple) called and ordered me to come to their place where they gave me a spare bedroom and i spent the next days there in a state of collapse. i know i'm a lucky guy. and the night before i left there to return home the husband said to me, "thanks for getting in touch with us." he thanked me for getting in touch with them when i was a wreckage. i'm still overwhelmed by the generosity of that attitude.

so i'm going to suggest that there are a few people - and they only have to be a few - who would welcome the chance to support you. pick two or three or four friends/family/workmates and start to talk. measure it, but do it. reach out. it feels good for the helper too.

please don't put obstacles in your way. identify what you need to do and move in that direction. get in the car and drive to the DV center. worry about the financials when the time comes.

Support is everywhere, seek it out!

[ForeverDad]

I do feel that I don't have much support but I know it is because I have shut myself off from everyone. I didn't want anyone to worry about me.

i managed to write an email telling what happened to two close friends and one cousin. that was about the sum total of my inner circle, if you can even call it that. the cousin wasn't even very sympathetic. the most horrifying aspect of the fallout was realizing that outside my marriage i was pretty socially isolated. i had never told anyone what my marriage was like either.

Relentless unreasonable demands, convoluted logic and emotional pressuring are all tactics used to ISOLATE you.  It didn't happen in a day.  As the story goes, a frog will hop right out of a boiling pan of water but not if it is gradually heated.  We all gradually got conned into sticking around despite the growing abuse.  So don't guilt yourself too much.  The goal now is to get your life back.

so i'm going to suggest that there are a few people - and they only have to be a few - who would welcome the chance to support you. pick two or three or four friends/family/workmates and start to talk. measure it, but do it. reach out. it feels good for the helper too.

please don't put obstacles in your way. identify what you need to do and move in that direction.

It feels good for the helper too... . seek and accept help, let others generously contribute to your recovery.  Some day you too may be able to "Pay It Forward":

I have shown you in all things that by working hard in this way, you must assist those who are weak and must keep in mind the words of the Lord Jesus, when he himself said: 'There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.' - Apostle Paul, Acts 20:35

[Cloudy Days]

I think something has snapped in me. I'm no longer going to be a door mat. I stood up to him last night, I was scared but I did it. And he ended up breaking down and crying in my arms instead of getting angry. We talked really calmly for a few hours. We aren't fixed and we both know that. I was fully prepared to leave, I have an exit plan and I'm ok I think. Emotionally that is, I felt very broken yesterday and I don't want to feel like that any more.

Thank you all, You have given me more strength than I have ever had in my life. I've never been too good at placing boundaries but I don't want to live like this anymore, and I'm not afraid to loose this relationship if I have to. I wasn't ready emotionally before but I am now.

[Grey Kitty]

I've never been too good at placing boundaries but I don't want to live like this anymore, and I'm not afraid to loose this relationship if I have to. I wasn't ready emotionally before but I am now.

That sort of courage is such a great sign. I remember when I decided that I was at risk of being "broken" if I stayed in my r/s as it was. I was going to save myself, and while I would be sad to lose our marriage, it wasn't more important than either person in it.

I hope this shift in you saves your r/s--I suspect mine was saved partly because I was willing to let it go if I had to.

Whatever happens to your r/s, this attitude will save you. 

[HealingForMe]

I think something has snapped in me. I'm no longer going to be a door mat. I stood up to him last night, I was scared but I did it. And he ended up breaking down and crying in my arms instead of getting angry.

Well done, you should feel very proud of yourself! 

Thank you all, You have given me more strength than I have ever had in my life. I've never been too good at placing boundaries but I don't want to live like this anymore, and I'm not afraid to loose this relationship if I have to. I wasn't ready emotionally before but I am now.

very glad to hear this, well done!

I'm still very worried about your situation though. I believe you need to leave ASAP for your own safety. Just because this time he took the "breaking down and crying in my arms" route, doesnt mean he will the next time. He may resort to anger again or worse, violence.

He usually says he will take me to where I need to go, but I don't want to be in a moving car with him when he has the thought of me leaving in his mind, that is just Dangerous.

IMO you need to exit this dangerous situation immediately. You know its dangerous as you wont get in a car with him, the same goes at home, even more so if you sleep in the same room with him or in an unlocked room. You cant defend yourself if you're asleep. I dont want to freak you out but you need to listen to your instincts, they are telling you its a dangerous situation & you need to get out.

Its nice of his mother to offer to drive you where ever you need to go but she cant help you move your stuff out. There will be many removal people who can do that if you can afford it. If not, are there any friends, etc who can help you move out? It needs to be done without warning so he has no chance of destroying your property or injuring you. Also, I would absolutely try to get the police there to make sure nothing happens.

Good luck, stay strong

[whirlpoollife]

I actually did call a Domestic Violence shelter today to see what they could offer me and she gave me some good idea's on how to keep things safe. I don't have a car though so I don't know how I would get there or how I would get to work either.

Tell the DV shelter more of this. My local shelter is good but unless you tell them what you want they don't come to you and read your mind.  I was ashamed at finally going to the shelter but then wished I had right in the start.

I don't want to be in a moving car with him when he has the thought of me leaving in his mind, that is just Dangerous.

I know that feeling. Trust yours.

I have been seeing his therapist for a bit now, she hasn't been a whole lot 

Possibly ask the shelter for counseling. I was with one T that kept wanting me to see h's point of view which really messed me up more.

I do feel that I don't have much support but I know it is because I have shut myself off from everyone. 

He shut you off , not you.