found some old photos now feel sad

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was clearing out a cupboard and found some photos I had forgotten about. There were lots of my exBPDh and I taken throughout our relationship up to a year before he left.  We looked so happy and he was holding me close in most of them.  I could see  the expression in the way he was looking at me, that I used to think was love. How could he have faked that for so long?

I have recently seen photos online of him with the replacement and he looks like he is holding her away from him not pulling her close. In one photo he looks really out of place like he does not want to be there.

This has started me thinking again that he doesn't really want her. But then again he chose to be with her not me. It reminded me of when he told me he was with her. He said 'oh well its happened there's no going back now' but sounded unsure and sad. Also when I asked if he loved her his reply was 'does it matter to you?' Not 'yes'

I can't stop thinking that maybe he did or possibly still loves me but knows he went too far and he can never have me back so he is making do with her.  He did tell me when he first admitted he was with her that it was because he didn't want to be alone.

I know this shouldn't matter but it goes round and round in my mind. Seeing these photos made it worse because it reminded me of how happy we used to be. This has really set me back.  Stupidly I left the photos at his house. I just want him to see what I have. I want him to realise what he destroyed. I want him to hurt.

[Popcorn71]

I was clearing out a cupboard and found some photos I had forgotten about. There were lots of my exBPDh and I taken throughout our relationship up to a year before he left.  We looked so happy and he was holding me close in most of them.  I could see  the expression in the way he was looking at me, that I used to think was love. How could he have faked that for so long?

I have recently seen photos online of him with the replacement and he looks like he is holding her away from him not pulling her close. In one photo he looks really out of place like he does not want to be there.

This has started me thinking again that he doesn't really want her. But then again he chose to be with her not me. It reminded me of when he told me he was with her. He said 'oh well its happened there's no going back now' but sounded unsure and sad. Also when I asked if he loved her his reply was 'does it matter to you?' Not 'yes'

I can't stop thinking that maybe he did or possibly still loves me but knows he went too far and he can never have me back so he is making do with her.  He did tell me when he first admitted he was with her that it was because he didn't want to be alone.

I know this shouldn't matter but it goes round and round in my mind. Seeing these photos made it worse because it reminded me of how happy we used to be. This has really set me back.  Stupidly I left the photos at his house. I just want him to see what I have. I want him to realise what he destroyed. I want him to hurt.

[Turkish]

I was clearing out a cupboard and found some photos I had forgotten about. There were lots of my exBPDh and I taken throughout our relationship up to a year before he left.  We looked so happy and he was holding me close in most of them.  I could see  the expression in the way he was looking at me, that I used to think was love. How could he have faked that for so long?

I have recently seen photos online of him with the replacement and he looks like he is holding her away from him not pulling her close. In one photo he looks really out of place like he does not want to be there.

This has started me thinking again that he doesn't really want her. But then again he chose to be with her not me. It reminded me of when he told me he was with her. He said 'oh well its happened there's no going back now' but sounded unsure and sad. Also when I asked if he loved her his reply was 'does it matter to you?' Not 'yes'

I can't stop thinking that maybe he did or possibly still loves me but knows he went too far and he can never have me back so he is making do with her.  He did tell me when he first admitted he was with her that it was because he didn't want to be alone.

I know this shouldn't matter but it goes round and round in my mind. Seeing these photos made it worse because it reminded me of how happy we used to be. This has really set me back.  Stupidly I left the photos at his house. I just want him to see what I have. I want him to realise what he destroyed. I want him to hurt.

Hi Popcorn71, it sux to be triggered, but it's ok to have these doubts and feelings. I think they did really love us... . for times, as much as they were able. I was looking at my FB on my tablet, and for some reason, the main page cycled back to pictures from 2 years ago. I saw how we were indeed somewhat happy for a while. It was sad. I have hundreds of pictures from the last 6 years of our lives there. Mostly us and the kids. I do have some regrets, but that's ok, too. You never know what they feel. As she was detaching (despite her paramour), I found that she was looking at pictures of us from some birthday party over a year ago by checking the browser history. They were me tagged on someone else's page (since I blocked her). Yes, I think they do look and regret as much as they are able, but we never can know.

As for me, I'm tossing the few photo mugs of us she made. The ceramic toothpaste holder she made with uBPDx on one side, and Turkish on the other, with Love in between. She left it of course. No need now. I really need to toss those things... . The only pic I'll keep will be of she, I and S4 when he was 6 months. She looked to happy, and we were. I keep it up for the kids, and also to remind myself that she was really happy with me, for a time. To remind myself of the good family we had, at least on the outside, because I was suffering in silence for almost the last two years. I haven't had my picture burning ritual yet. Though funny in a dark, humourous way, it think it might be unhealthy. Each of us detaches in our own ways, and nothing is wrong with the way we do it (short of criminal activity :^)

[HealingForMe]

I think its normal to have those moments of sadness. pwBPD are so good at making us feel like we're the whole world to them, that when we see a pic that reminds us of how we felt at the centre of their universe, we feel sad. As Turkish said, we all detach in our own ways & its a process, not a moment. Its ok, allow yourself to grieve, & know that things will get easier

[growing_wings]

I know this shouldn't matter but it goes round and round in my mind. Seeing these photos made it worse because it reminded me of how happy we used to be. This has really set me back.  Stupidly I left the photos at his house. I just want him to see what I have. I want him to realise what he destroyed. I want him to hurt.

popcorn, it does matter!... .   i am sorry to read you are having a rough time. It is painful. the disorder truly affects those very close to them in a way that is personal and very difficult to process... pictures, emails, letters, all of them can bring up memories of the good times... .   is hard to process...

i go through same situations... hang in there. it will get better. you are doing well and a feeling we have a setback is just part of the process...

what would we do without this place to share our emotions...

[Tausk]

I was clearing out a cupboard and found some photos I had forgotten about. There were lots of my exBPDh and I taken throughout our relationship up to a year before he left.  We looked so happy and he was holding me close in most of them.  I could see  the expression in the way he was looking at me, that I used to think was love. How could he have faked that for so long?

I have recently seen photos online of him with the replacement and he looks like he is holding her away from him not pulling her close. In one photo he looks really out of place like he does not want to be there.

This has started me thinking again that he doesn't really want her. But then again he chose to be with her not me. It reminded me of when he told me he was with her. He said 'oh well its happened there's no going back now' but sounded unsure and sad. Also when I asked if he loved her his reply was 'does it matter to you?' Not 'yes'

I can't stop thinking that maybe he did or possibly still loves me but knows he went too far and he can never have me back so he is making do with her.  He did tell me when he first admitted he was with her that it was because he didn't want to be alone.

I know this shouldn't matter but it goes round and round in my mind. Seeing these photos made it worse because it reminded me of how happy we used to be. This has really set me back.  Stupidly I left the photos at his house. I just want him to see what I have. I want him to realise what he destroyed. I want him to hurt.

Pop:

I'm sorry for your pain. I understand.  I still find things in the house.  Love notes, photos.  Half finished crosswords.  Books... . and each time it's like someone is taking an ice pick and stabbing me in the stomach.  

And it triggers and reminds me of the intense feelings I had, and for what I felt was love in the moment.

But my ex could only love as much as a traumatized three year old.  :)id she love me... . yes.  Just like a three year old can love.  Nothing more than that.  And I have to accept that as the truth.  It's the Disorder, FOG, and FOO issues that try and convince me it was something else.  But it wasn't.

I understand the pain.  I understand the doubts.  I understand the malignant hope.

My question to you is,  do you want to be recycled?  Because I can't tell from you posts.  It's likely that the opportunity will come up. You might be offered the chance to be the cheater on the current object.  

Are you willing to the other woman to him?  Are you willing to be further lost in the Disorder?  Are you willing to risk losing your self for the rest of your life to the disorder?  Some people don't recovery.  Being a victim and being stuck in malignant hope for the impossible are gateways to never getting out.

These are questions for you to decide.  I'm not judging.  But if you are planning a recycle, and be honest with yourself, then the Staying board can provide you techniques to maybe limit the destruction.  A common trait among us on this board is the inability to make decisions regarding the Disorder.  We waffle and hope and state boundaries, and restate them, accept a little more insanity... . and lose a little bit of ourselves each time, until there might not be enough of us left to recover.

For example, you're still not sure about your ex.  When you were a young woman thinking about marriage, would the thought of taking back a serial cheater have occurred to you.  What about the idea of being the other woman and helping someone else cheat?  Because this is where you are at today.

I'm not judging. We each make our own decisions.  But by being honest, we can limit the destruction.

I know how much the triggers hurt.  I've been there. I've wanted to leave pictures and love notes at my ex's new house w/ her new husband as reminders as well.  I've even driven by there house and thought about leaving stuff in her car.   

I've wanted her to hurt like hurt. But I also know that she hurts far more than I ever could. And anything I do, won't be interpreted in any way other than as the Disorder distorts the action.  The Disorder always wins.

Sadness.

[Popcorn71]

Thanks for your replies.  Today has been difficult for me.  Yet again I had to tell somebody I hadn't seen for a while, that I am now divorced.  I am getting used to doing this as though it's no big deal, but inside I am screaming with the pain of it all.

Also, a couple of days ago, I passed my ex in the car and he waved just as he would have done when were together.  I can't believe that he can be so 'normal' and expect me to just smile and be his 'friend' after 9 years together and the way he callously dumped me.  I hate it that he just seems to be happy after all this.

Tausk, I don't want to be recycled.  I know it would never work out.  Somewhere inside, I do have a pathetic fantasy that he will realise how stupid he has been and want me back.  In fantasyland, everything would be wonderful and we would live happily ever after.  But in the real world I know all I would get is more trouble and pain.  He must know that he did the one thing I could never forgive when he cheated on me.  Both our previous marriages ended because our exes cheated and left for other people and we talked about how painful this had been and how we could never inflict that pain on each other.  I meant this but he obviously didn't because he went ahead and did it anyway.  He knew that this was the way in which he could hurt me most and I believe that this is the reason he did it.  He also knew that there was no way I would ever take him back after this, so I believe it was his way of ending our marriage and in his words 'there would be no going back' even if he wanted to.

All I know is that I want to know he is hurting as much as he hurt me.  Things will seem to be more fair then.  I know that I did everything I could to make our marriage work and it does not seem right that he threw it all away and I got all the pain.

[Turkish]

Both our previous marriages ended because our exes cheated and left for other people and we talked about how painful this had been and how we could never inflict that pain on each other.  I meant this but he obviously didn't because he went ahead and did it anyway. 

Mine did it even though her father got caught with yet another kept woman only a year ago. It was devastating for the whole family to find out, opening up old wounds. Despite that, she acted just like her father. Worse, in my opinion, because at least her dad had the decency, if I call it that, to not throw it in her mother's face. Who can know how they twist the justifications in their minds? I thought it would give uBPDx empathy, if only for her mother. I thought wrong. Perhaps she wanted me to go confront the guy as her mom did to her husband's girlfriend? I refused to debase myself like that, and I slowly, painfully let her go. In the end, it's better for us, I think, despite the pain now.

[myself]

Popcorn, sorry for what you're going through, I know how much it hurts. Please know, you were not left with all the pain, as your ex if BPD is filled to overflowing with it. He's just better at running away and not facing it. That may be why he cheated. To temporarily soothe. To get back at the person who cheated on him, his ex before you. I know my ex took things out on me because she was really trying to get back at someone she felt had done her harm in the past. I just happened to be handy to dump it on at the time. If it wasn't me it would have been someone else. The closer the scapegoat the better. 

[Popcorn71]

I do feel like a scapegoat.  Even he kept saying I'd done nothing wrong!

Oh well, I must keep reminding myself that I actually haven't lost anything.  He wasn't the man I thought he was so I'm better off alone.  And if he couldn't be happy with me, with the life we had and the even better times that were just around the corner for us, then he won't be truly happy with anyone.  I know it will be impossible for him to have a better life than we could have had and that was what he said he wanted.  I don't really believe he wants what he has now, it's just that he doesn't really have any alternative - only being alone - which we all know is something a BPD cannot do!