Was A Breakup Inevitable?

[WisdomSeeker]

I just did a preemptive strike and left my girlfriend of over 5 years (live in for 2 years). I had discovered that she had been having an affair with some guy she met in her job networking group.

I knew my ex had some serious problems, but I didn't realize that she was suffering from BPD. I had thought she was a narcissist with her frequent postings on Facebook. If I had known that she was suffering from BPD, I wouldn't have threatened to leave a month before for her continual verbal abuse. I told her that I didn't want to abandon her when she didn't have a job. Subsequently, I have read how afraid BPDs are of abandonment. I feel that my threat scared her into cheating. But the reality is, I would have never left her because she helped me twice. Once when we met, when I was on the rebound; and second, when I was financially destitute, she supported me. I was loyal to her. I put up with her abuse because I didn't want to deal with all my own problems. It was my purpose in life to take care of her and her 3 dogs that I walked every morning, rain or shine. Now with having this purpose, I am overwhelmed dealing with all my problems (bankruptcy, being sued, losing my job soon). Plus I have abandonment issues.

So I left because I decided that if I confronted her she would only lie to me and rationalize her behavior and that I would appear weak. Also, I feared that she would break up with me. So I just did a surgical strike and moved out when she was having dinner with her girlfriends. I left a long note stating that I knew about the cheating and I thanked her for all the good times and support she had been giving me. I didn't call her any names.

Three weeks later, she leveraged an excuse to contact me via text and email but I didn't respond. Finally, she tricked me and called me using a different phone number. She showed signs of concern for me and asked to meet with me in person to go over any unresolved issues. I refused, because I knew she was in a relationship with her new boyfriend. I just told her that I wasn't interested in talking, that I had nothing more to say to her. I have her garage remote control that I need to mail to her. I am thinking about including a note in the package telling her that we an meet in the future if she still wants to talk to get things off her chest. I am still having trouble letting her go as I expect her relationship with her new boyfriend to not last as this guy is too young and good looking for her.

Question: Did I do the right thing by leaving instead of confronting her? Since she is still dating this guy, I am assuming she would have ended up dumping me. I thought it would be better to leave and regain her respect. A year before she said she lost respect for me when I wasn't working. Any opinions?

[myself]

I thought it would be better to leave and regain her respect.

Better to leave and regain/retain your own self respect.

[Ironmanrises]

Yes. The final stage is discard. At least for me it was. Twice. Three times if you include friendship, she discarded me even in friendship.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry your going through so much right now with your financial situation and employment. That's a lot on your plate WisdomSeeker.

If you were in constant verbal abuse for a month it sounds like you gf was triggered. The fear of abandonment is perceived or real. I triggered mine by saying that I wanted a divorce. A scare. I was tired of the immaturity and wanted to fire a warning shot across the bow to have her smarten up. I triggered her and the devaluation / discard began. I knew nothing about BPD. But I also think it depends on how much you are willing to tolerate with the behaviors. I was way passed my tolerance and a part of me didn't care anymore.

I can empathize and sympathize for my STBX because it's a serious disorder. Mine crossed a line when she was having an affair. If it was something that she did that was once, I could deal with that. But sleeping with the same guy and having a relationship, it goes against my morals and values.

Ask yourself where you draw the line. You have to uphold your own beliefs and not comprimise them. Have boundaries. Respect yourself.

Don't be hard on yourself for not knowing she was sick. We're not professionals. I didn't understand how BPD worked then and none of it made a lick of sense. I do know that I did the best that I could with what I knew. It didn't work for me because I had my own issues that I brought to the table.

[nownotsure]

Question: Did I do the right thing by leaving instead of confronting her? Since she is still dating this guy, I am assuming she would have ended up dumping me. I thought it would be better to leave and regain her respect. A year before she said she lost respect for me when I wasn't working. Any opinions?

I'm not sure what you plan to gain by either leaving a second note or meeting up in the future to talk things out. Are you looking for an apology, for her to see the light, to effect change? My experience with my ex is that confronting someone with BPD will likely result in none of that. Besides, if you did get back together, what prevents her from cheating on you again or turning around and dumping you in revenge. At least you left with your pride intact.

My personal opinion is you did the right thing by taking the high-road, so unless she admits she needs help, best to leave it at that.