Great book to read...

[Googie]

I just recently found a place of personal comfort by doing a personal inventory similar to the 4th step in AA.  After figuring out my part in the insanity that comes along with having a BPD family member, I felt the need to seek out books or support groups that can help me sustain this new equilibrium I am experiencing.

A Return To Love by Marianne Willamson is what I needed to read a long time ago but only discovered it recently when I asked friends for recommendations based on what I have just explained.

It's based on the author's personal journey and lessons she learned while consumed with A Course of Miracles which is a guide to personal spiritual growth.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who asks "WHY me, or WHY is this happening" and who have found themselves at the brink of a nervous breakdown themselves.  

I can not tell you why I feel so strongly about publicly recommending this book, I just know that it has made me aware of how my own actions, words, and REactions can make or break a person's trust in me... .  more or less the message boils down to how one's own perceptions and views/beliefs can be warped by life's experiences.  I was moved by how much easier it always is to be cynical and pessimistic about my BPD loved one's promises and respond by allowing my negativity (either by the words I choose to use, or by the way I say those words) to be the excuse that will be used to blame me for the next round of craziness that I most definitely am not the cause of.

Love, and always being aware to respond with love (and this is where I literally have to THINK before I speak) can make all the difference and has honestly allowed me to be able to clearly draw boundaries that I know is being heard by my BPD loved one.  I feel empowered just by a change in the way I see my responsibility to my BPD loved one AND to everyone else, including MYSELF (for once, ) to see every situation the used to automatically make me physically sick and mentally numb as an opportunity to be the person who shows loving acceptance and concrete boundaries that are not to be crossed.

I have noticed, like the title of the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" suggests, that in order to heal ourselves and to be emotionally available without enabling our loved one's by feeding into their chaos or by giving in to their demands, we need to be tolerant and LOVING in all of our interactions whether good, bad, or indifferent.  I have noticed a shift in the way my DD approaches me to engage in conversations that at one time would get me nervous to participate in... .  But since I have established my personal responsibility in creating an environment that allowed for her to get so sick in addition to giving her so much power and control over my life which ultimately impacted our entire family's lives.  It became a game to my DD AND a necessity for her to interfere with the well deserved and normal routines of my other children.  I allowed my other children's happiness and normalcy to be crushed because they were the ones that had to do without, and by cutting their extracurricular activities and crimping their social life in order to make MY life easier in anticipation of another round of insanity and chaos caused by my DD.  I gave her the power to completely ground me, and make me unable to allow anyone any opportunities outside our home which was her intention. I was so afraid of not being able to pick up my kids from practice or from a friend's house because I couldn't leave my DD alone (constant threats of suicide and 8 total attempts with 2 leading her to ICU) and she refused to do what I would tell her, not to mention who wants to drive with a person that is more than capable and has threatened to "make us crash"?  If I had supportive family and/or friends that were willing to commit to being my back up plan to make sure my other kids got what they needed, there would not be as much resentment today.  If I wasn't stretched so thin and had someone along side of me (my fiance of 11 years tends to make things worse by reacting by his anger and adds fuel to the already 5 alarm fire) to help me get all of my kid's needs met, then we would, as a family, be in a better position today. I could easily allow myself to be angry and justify my anger, disappointment, and resentments.  Any one of my friends that have witnessed what I have had to deal with would agree I had every right to be angry... . and then they would add their own opinions thinking that they were being helpful, but realistically, hearing what they had to say made it even more difficult for me to WANT to continue fighting for my DD's life.  The guilt of not meeting the needs of my non BPD children, and the realization that every one that I considered to be a friend had been struggling with my decision to continue supporting my DD but chose not to let me know about their concerns, made me feel like I was alone in this and I felt a level of devastation that put me into a deep depression.  

I am sorry for getting off topic, however as I was writing this post, I became aware that it was because of my "depression" that I found myself searching for a way to become stronger, bigger, and more powerful than the problems I was facing.  I wouldn't have realized how much I wanted to take my life back and be able to make amends to my kids by "showing up" for them and in order to do that I would have to be able to let go of my fight to save my daughter.  At least I would have to re-define what I was fighting and change my perception about what I could truly prevent my DD from accomplishing.  Was I fighting someone else's fight and getting my butt kicked all this time, only to find myself in a state of depression where my DD has the opportunity to succeed with her intentions... .  making these last few years of my life a waste of time?  The answer came to me when I decided to do a thorough and honest inventory of myself... .  and my life has taken on new meaning, and now I am armed with personal knowledge and accountability of the many unintentional mistakes I made... .  and forgave myself for making them.  Now every attempt at blaming me for the misery my DD has created herself has no power, and she knows it.  And that my friends, was a "game changer" that has my DD on her toes, and is mindful of what she says in order to be respectful of my boundaries I laid out with love.

Choosing to stay in the life of a loved one with BPD is a hard decision when there has been a history of chaos and constant turmoil.  I know a few family members that have completely cut my DD out because they are emotionally incapable of understanding and unwilling to accept her flaws because her flaws have the capacity to cause them embarrassment if she should ever target them. But they are showing me that they are not capable of love and that is a shame.  I have a lot of reasons to continue being bitter and angry which is what most people seem to want me to be, not any one else outside of my non-DD kids.  Angry and bitter was what I was for years and I caused a lot of hurt because I was hurting and unable to stop being so angry.  This way of living was unacceptable, and I'd be damned if I was going to continue doing the same thing that got me depressed and expect a different outcome.  Seeking an answer was what saved MY life!

Today... .

I can see success not only for my DD, but for myself as well.  Of course I see success for my other children however, my older daughter moved out and away from the chaos and tension that was consuming our home into another chaotic situation (which I can't blame her for doing).  I'm sad because I feel that without her witnessing the changes that have taken place within this house she is going to remain stuck in that negative mind frame and continue looking to blame everyone outside of herself for the situation that she created when she left.  I want her to be able to experience the difference the rest of us have because there has been a tremendous amount of healing in the past few weeks between my kids and I.

Again, I apologize for getting so side tracked when my intention was to suggest a great book about the power of love and my experience with the shift in my perception of how love can truly change the most impossible circumstances for the better.

Anyway, I hope someone will have a similar experience from reading this book.  Please message me after you read it and let me know what your thoughts are.

Googie

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Wow, that is not just a book recommendation, it's also a wonderful journey of healing that you describe.

Thank you for sharing with us!

If I understand you right, you became less reactive to dd, and in your responses you became more loving, AT THE SAME TIME also more firm in your boundaries - correct?

This is beautiful. If you feel comfortable with it - can you give us an example of a situation that would repeat itself and how you handled it in the past and how you handle it now?

[qcarolr]

Googie -- thanks for sharing how this impacted you so deeply, and how it is changing the relationships in your life, including the one you have with yourself.

I wanted to shout "YES; YES" at so many places in your story. 

qcr

[Googie]

pessim-optimist- My journey into becoming WILLING to do the work was a horror story in and of itself because all I ever did was RE-act.  My healing process has been a long time in the making and will always be a work in progress, since I will take a few steps backwards every so often.

An example would be anytime my DD would start to escalate she would and still does assassinate my character and victimize herself.  Threats and attempts at suicide became a normal occurrence and would trigger me to do anything and everything possible to ensure that she was safe which made her extremely powerful over our entire family.  She knew she had that power and would flex her muscles when I would say the word "No" and interfere with what she wanted.  "No" became a word that I was scared to use and would go against my better judgement to allow her certain requests to avoid her escalating. But what I was really doing was prolonging the inevitable melt down that would occur every 4 months or so that ended with her being hospitalized.

After working with her therapist while she was at Eliada Home for Children, I had to admit when he told me not to think that this was all her and that I had nothing to do with how she came to behave this way, that I absolutely had a part to play in creating an unhealthy environment by wimping out and caving in to her tantrums.  He asked me what would be the worst possible thing that could happen if I stuck to my guns and was CONSISTENT in laying down boundaries and following through with a consequence when my DD did not adhere to them.  The answer was the same thing would happen... .   escalate until hospitalized.  He told me that I could take my power back anytime I choose to not engage with her "unhealthy threats" just by telling her (but always watchful over her) "Well DD, your choosing to make threats and in the past have tried to hurt yourself, and if you continue to make threats about hurting yourself, than I will have no choice but to ensure your safety and have you hospitalized".  The follow through was imperative to back up the statement.  I had to say and do exactly what I described while she was in between treatment programs and she backed down because she knows what she does NOT want and knew I meant business.  There were many opportunities to practice speaking in a calm tone of voice instead of getting to the yelling that was a constant.  It's amazing what changes take place when you refuse to engage (even though it is hard as heck to do sometimes) and keep yourself in the "love" zone where everything that you say is positive but firm.  "I won't have this conversation if you choose to be disrespectful."  is another constant.  I have pulled over on the side of the highway twice until she calmed down and wouldn't go anywhere until she was calm.

It's a ton of work and it is difficult, but the end result is when either of us feel or notice the situation is escalating, I no longer have to hear all about what a horrible Mother I am or that she's going to take herself out... .

I don't know if I was able to get what I was trying to convey as an example where it can be understood.

Boundaries are set but took a long time to establish.  Now that they are laid out, it is so easy to reinforce.  Less tension, the easier it is to communicate with love.

BTW-  The name of the book is A Return to Love, not reason.  Sorry about that.

Googie

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you - it is beautiful. I think we can all see ourselves in your story to one degree or another and it is always good to see what has worked. I think reading about the different scenarios, what kinds of boundaries and how they were applied really helps us in our personal situations.

It's a ton of work and it is difficult, but the end result is when either of us feel or notice the situation is escalating, I no longer have to hear all about what a horrible Mother I am or that she's going to take herself out... .

This is definitely a great motivator! And yes - you are right it IS hard work! 

My journey into becoming WILLING to do the work was a horror story in and of itself because all I ever did was RE-act.  My healing process has been a long time in the making and will always be a work in progress, since I will take a few steps backwards every so often.

That's an interesting point: So, if someone told you then, what wonderful benefits it brings, would you have been willing sooner? What obstacles lay in your way before you were willing?

For me, it was simply ignorance - I did not know any better, and I was also reacting all the time... . When I read finally read about the RE-active nature of our interactions with our BPD loved ones, it was like a  .

Boundaries are set but took a long time to establish.  Now that they are laid out, it is so easy to reinforce.  Less tension, the easier it is to communicate with love.

I can only say YES to that one!

[Googie]

Pessim-optimist- I have to laugh at myself because i have been struggling with my emotions.  My relationship with my fiance doesn't resemble a relationship.  Seriously, it resembles two neighbors who don't particularly care for one another but live next door to one another live in a high rise apartment building. When one neighbor is at the elevator waiting, the other chooses to take the steps and walks down 23 stories to avoid the uncomfortable silence, or when one neighbor HAS to speak to the other out of necessity, he speaks swiftly and concise with no room for an actual conversation to be had. 

I totally understand that he has been drained and did not sign up for any of this but chose to stick it out with us as a family.  I totally get the fact he is happy to remain clueless about how severe my DD's dx is with her ax I being bipoler type 2 and ax II as BPD in addition to situational PTSD (I disagree with that one) therefore allowing him the excuse to not helping me out or deal with the tough stuff.

What he doesn't understand is that by refusing to be part of a solution, he is forfeiting his right to expect me to alter a routine that is working for me but doesn't meet his expectations of what he thinks should be done.

When I am stressed, I could care less if a piece of paper the size of a raisin is on the living room carpet.  he will count each time one of the kids passes the piece of paper and then point out to me that so and so walked by that piece of paper 6 times and never picked it up... .   then he goes on and on about how he positioned the vacuum at a certain angle and placed a piece of thread on top of the handle to know whether the vacuum was used or not, and then onto the broom... . positioning and booby trapped as well.  Who cares about all that?  What I am concerned about is the fact that you actually spent time thinking about how to set up my children and that you are serious about all of it.  That is craziness to me.  The house is in crisis and these are your primary concerns?

I have been able to let my guard down with my DD in the IAFT program in order to shift my focus onto my other 4 children who have been just as stressed and angry and he is, if not more because all of their extracurricular activities were put on hold, as well as they were never able to have friends over just in case my DD decided to start something out of the blue.

I am still emotionally drained and doing everything I possibly can to get back to "normal" and be able to get through my day without having to work very hard at staying positive and mindful of what I say and how I say it.

This morning the phone rang at 7 which was 6 to my brain and body.  It was my daughter who had slept over at a friends (a break for me) and was needing me to come pick her up because she didn't have church clothes and her friend's family attends the early morning service and needed to leave. 

Next my 8 year old wakes up and is non stop whining about everything just because he's not a morning person.  This continues until my fiance decides to come downstairs at 10:30 and find it necessary to start complaining under his breath.  That was it for me.  I automatically wanted to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? but instead I said "what, I didn't hear what you just said" and he said "exactly".

So the struggles aren't with my DD these days, they are with a person who at one time promised to be my partner and raise our children together.  That is very sad and difficult to handle.  I need to feel I have support but I know, and have known for a few years, that he is incapable of seeing things outside of the way he expects them to be.

Just another casualty of fighting the BPD war.  So like Dory says, just keep swimming, just keep swimming... .

I am finding it so hard to get to a loving place.  I guess that just makes me human.

Googie

[pessim-optimist]

When I am stressed, I could care less if a piece of paper the size of a raisin is on the living room carpet.  he will count each time one of the kids passes the piece of paper and then point out to me that so and so walked by that piece of paper 6 times and never picked it up... .   then he goes on and on about how he positioned the vacuum at a certain angle and placed a piece of thread on top of the handle to know whether the vacuum was used or not, and then onto the broom... . positioning and booby trapped as well.  Who cares about all that?  What I am concerned about is the fact that you actually spent time thinking about how to set up my children and that you are serious about all of it.  That is craziness to me.  The house is in crisis and these are your primary concerns?

That's tough Googie - clearly a case of conflict in priorities... . Reduction of stress versus housecleaning.

IF your family was further down the recovery road and had peace for a while AND you were at this time trying to teach your kids responsibility regarding housecleaning, THEN booby-trapping the cleaning tools would be a good way to check/make sure that they were used. Otherwise, it just adds to the stress if you are not on the same page regarding what is expected... . Is cleanliness one of your fiance's triggers?

So the struggles aren't with my DD these days, they are with a person who at one time promised to be my partner and raise our children together.  That is very sad and difficult to handle.  I need to feel I have support but I know, and have known for a few years, that he is incapable of seeing things outside of the way he expects them to be.

That is more serious than the conflict of priorities... . Does his inability to see things outside of what he expects include your relationship with him? Is it something bigger than just his ability to support you with your r/s with your kids?

I am finding it so hard to get to a loving place.  I guess that just makes me human.

That's normal, Googie - when the stress and pressure gets too much, it is not easy to be loving... . Are you finding time to relax and calm down during the day?

[jellibeans]

Dear googie

I wanted to first tell you that I love your name because it is a nickname I used for my firstborn when she was little and I have a lot of fond memories from that time before the craziness invaded our home. BPD does take it's total on the family and I do think the mother does take most of the burden and is the person the anger is directed towards. I am glad your dd has come so far and your relationship with her has improved. I think too often we make the decision to put our relationships aside so we can focus on the one that needs us the most... . I am guilty of that... . it has been a way for me to survive and think when things are really good with my dd is when I have time to assess my relationship and I can see it is damaged. I think what we need to do and figure out how to mend that relationship if it can be... . it will take time but it didn't fall apart in a day and it will take more than a day to mend... . for now I am still focused on my dd16... . she has one more year of high school and then I feel we will have had some success... . I think one thing that is hard to do is to take care of ourselves... . when was the last time you did something for yourself googie?

[Googie]

jellibeans and pess-op,

I am starting a full time job mid-April.  I am looking forward to getting out of the house and have a routine that is all mine.  

Googie- My nickname too  

[pessim-optimist]

Congratulations Googie!

(I also love that name as it's connected to fond memories of our grandson when he was a baby - he called cookies "googies"