What would you do in this situation?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So my mother has always been very dependent on me since I was a kid. It was very much role reversal.

I grew up and got married and I think she's always been resentful about this, though she would never say.

She's always seen my husband as competition and even bought be a ring to wear after we got married ( I don't wear it by the way) and said it was to show her love for me. Anyway, years have gone by of me trying to be a "good" daughter while being a busy wife and I am now a mother. Though my mother loves her grandkids, I think she see's them in a way, as people vying for my time and attention. Again, competition.  I should add that she's not working right now and has few friends or hobbies, so she sits at home doing nothing when she isn't trying to hang out with me and my children for company and emotional fulfillment.

To make a very long story short. She always pushes our boundaries as a family. Always wanting to be part of want is considered our inner circle. It's been years of this. Also, it's been years of when she get's lonely or feel rejected by us wanting our space, she goes in to crisis and ends up in the hospital for suicide watch and treatment. Being the only child, I am put in to the position of taking care of everything  for her from her mental health, to her house when she's in treatment to well everything. On top of all this is trying to raise my young family and be a good wife and mother. I feel pulled in all directions. So, this past christmas, everything started to snowball. She showed up drunk at christmas (she's always been an alcoholic and know's I hate it and don'twant it near my kids) , showed up over medicated on prescription drugs at my childrens birthday party and has overstepped all her boundaries we've put in place. She went back in to hospital in crisis again and all her crap was heaped on to me again. I've had enough and decided that I was going to go NC with her so that I could regain my life and enjoy my family without constantly having to take care of her and stressing myself out as I have always done.

I wrote out in an email to her, that I don't want any contact. No emails, no phone calls, no dropping by. To please give me my space and when I am ready to have contact with her, I will get a hold of her. But for now, let me and mine be.

Since then, she has tried many ways of trying to engage me. Emails, phone messages and enablers.

I've ignored them all. Now she is back in hospital telling everyone that she needs to talk to me, that I need to tell her that I love her or she will go and kill herself. If I'm not there for her, she doesn't want to live.

I recognize this as a form of manipulation and do not want to placate her as I think this will show her that this is how to break my boundaries.

So here's my question. What would you do in this situation? Do you think that this is manipulation? Part of me wants to rush in and save her as I've always done, but I don't want to go back to being in contact with her and I don't want to always hear that I better be in her life or she'll kill herself  . It's been this way since I was a kid and the load is to heavy to carry anymore. Everyone, including her T, has told her to respect my wishes, but she won't listen. How far will she take this? I'm so frustrated! Thanks for listening and letting me vent

[R-u-kidding]

So my mother has always been very dependent on me since I was a kid. It was very much role reversal.

I grew up and got married and I think she's always been resentful about this, though she would never say.

She's always seen my husband as competition and even bought be a ring to wear after we got married ( I don't wear it by the way) and said it was to show her love for me. Anyway, years have gone by of me trying to be a "good" daughter while being a busy wife and I am now a mother. Though my mother loves her grandkids, I think she see's them in a way, as people vying for my time and attention. Again, competition.  I should add that she's not working right now and has few friends or hobbies, so she sits at home doing nothing when she isn't trying to hang out with me and my children for company and emotional fulfillment.

To make a very long story short. She always pushes our boundaries as a family. Always wanting to be part of want is considered our inner circle. It's been years of this. Also, it's been years of when she get's lonely or feel rejected by us wanting our space, she goes in to crisis and ends up in the hospital for suicide watch and treatment. Being the only child, I am put in to the position of taking care of everything  for her from her mental health, to her house when she's in treatment to well everything. On top of all this is trying to raise my young family and be a good wife and mother. I feel pulled in all directions. So, this past christmas, everything started to snowball. She showed up drunk at christmas (she's always been an alcoholic and know's I hate it and don'twant it near my kids) , showed up over medicated on prescription drugs at my childrens birthday party and has overstepped all her boundaries we've put in place. She went back in to hospital in crisis again and all her crap was heaped on to me again. I've had enough and decided that I was going to go NC with her so that I could regain my life and enjoy my family without constantly having to take care of her and stressing myself out as I have always done.

I wrote out in an email to her, that I don't want any contact. No emails, no phone calls, no dropping by. To please give me my space and when I am ready to have contact with her, I will get a hold of her. But for now, let me and mine be.

Since then, she has tried many ways of trying to engage me. Emails, phone messages and enablers.

I've ignored them all. Now she is back in hospital telling everyone that she needs to talk to me, that I need to tell her that I love her or she will go and kill herself. If I'm not there for her, she doesn't want to live.

I recognize this as a form of manipulation and do not want to placate her as I think this will show her that this is how to break my boundaries.

So here's my question. What would you do in this situation? Do you think that this is manipulation? Part of me wants to rush in and save her as I've always done, but I don't want to go back to being in contact with her and I don't want to always hear that I better be in her life or she'll kill herself  . It's been this way since I was a kid and the load is to heavy to carry anymore. Everyone, including her T, has told her to respect my wishes, but she won't listen. How far will she take this? I'm so frustrated! Thanks for listening and letting me vent

[Sitara]

Welcome R-u-kidding! It sounds like you've already determined that it's healthiest for you to give yourself some distance, and she's just verifying that she is out of control by ending up in the hospital. I would hope that she's on some sort of suicide watch if she's in a hospital which should allow you that little sense of peace of mind. I agree with you that she is trying to manipulate you into talking to her and if you give in on this you're showing her that is how she can get your attention. Keep with your NC. If there's a reason she really needs to talk to you her therapist would likely talk to you, especially if this therapist is telling your mom to respect your boundaries.

You can't save someone from themselves. Her actions are her choice and you have no control over anyone else. Focus on your family and your healing journey.

[StarStruck]

Hi - Sounds blimin awful what you are going through here... . and although I can't offer any advice here, I want to offer my support  .

[lucyhoneychurch]

We hear you, that this load is too heavy - how you got where you are today as this woman's only child - it really speaks for your resilience and strength but yes, enough has proven to be enough. You are very much alone as far as dealing with her and I'm so sorry.

Worst case scenario - and how heartwrenching that you even have to consider these things at this time in your life - she attempts her life, possibly ending it - can you see where there is nothing anyone can do to stop her? and that if you cave into this recent spate of behaviors, you will just be right back here again soon and your effort to delineate your life from hers is in the toilet again?  :'(

No one can give you your life like YOU can. Sadly for you, and for so many us, myself included, that involved doing the bizarre thing of cutting concact with our abusive disturbed mothers.

No one will get it. And if she does follow through on this self-destructive course, there might be those who'd idiotically blame  you.  Without ever having been in your shoes of course... .

I just had someone significant in my life, as I sat last night sort of mentally fogged and saying aloud, Well... . Sunday's a year since she left the planet... . and this person literally drew back (I've heard this person out time and again about family of origin damages and recent enough traumas), and started ticking stuff off on fingers - "Well, you cut contact 10 years ago, you haven't dealt with your siblings or your father... . "  blah blah blah... .

And all I wanted to hear when I said, "Well it's been a year," and the way I said it, and the way I've dealt with it... . was... . "That has to be very weird, how are you doing with that?'

I would implement NC again this instant if I had to, knowing how those 10 years played out.

Please follow your heart's desire of carving out a safe place for you and your children and husband. I am so very sorry for you that she's so sick and broken that she threatens that sanctuary.

Her actions will have to be just that - hers... . not yours, as callous as that might sound. I so hope not... . but what else do you do?

So to answer your question... . I'd keep the new rules I asked for in place... . no contact... . no emails, no visits, nothing.

I'm so sorry for you.

  

Allow me to add - mine was elderly and died of pneumonia and I only found out getting her death cert from the state she died in... . so it wasn't suicide, I'm sorry if I possibly wrote that wrong... . she never threatened suicide over the years but huge manipulative things about 3rd party relatives she knew I cared about - panicking me about their conditions with either VMs or postcards... . I ignored those... . knew I'd hear from the individuals in question's kids... .

Sorry if there was any confusion. I need another cup of coffee 

[R-u-kidding]

Thank you all so much for your support 

I really do appreciate it. It's so nice to be able to share with people that truly get it. I've never had that before.

lucyhoneychurch: I knew what you meant, not confusing at all. And I am sorry that you didn't have have the support you needed from that significant person that you needed. It is weird and not nice and I hope you are well 

[R-u-kidding]

I said "that you needed" twice. Clearly I need more coffee too