Surprised myself when reading old emails

[Allmessedup]

I know that many of us have deleted all the emails from our ex's but for whatever reason I had not done so yet.

Last night (her birthday) I was prompted to delete them but I ended up reading a lot of them.

Anyway, I was surprised by my reaction. I was not sad.  I was actually shocked.

I didn't read all of them... . but I saw that there were things I did not remember

the first time I was painted black was mere weeks into our relationship. 

She said in one letter she knew for the first time that I loved her because she could see the immense pain I was in after her leaving me (this was one month in)

I saw many repetitions of "my love isn't good enough" and "my soul is black"

I saw the mirroring and saw how she "hooked me"

I saw the patterns of push and pull

In the letters I saw how far I went to absolve her of any accountability whatsoever

And in the last year I saw myself standing up to her more and more often.  That made me proud of myself!

So I am surprised.  I thought that the letters would break my heart, but since we both tend to express things best when writing I was able to actually see the progression of the downfall of the relationship.  And I ended up feeling rather grateful not to be involved in that drama anymore.

So for now I will leave the letters in my inbox.  Safe in a file so they don't jump out unexpectedly at me.  But for me they served as a reminder last night as to what I never will allow again...

Just thought I would share

[Mutt]

I can relate Allmessedup. My ex and I communicated a lot by e-mail, FB and text. I had found that she expressed herself much differently, easily, if it wasn't person to person.

I've created a folder for her. I was looked through e-mails for my lawyer. When we were together I was half of the problem with circular arguments. There are some angry e-mails from both sides.

I can clearly see in the messages now, the all the or nothing thinking, blame and projection. I'm sure there's more there. I'm keeping it filed in case I need it for court. She has a clear pattern that I can see and read in her words.

[myself]

Same here. I can see the push and pull from both sides. My bad patterns too. The times I gave in so she would communicate more, and more nicely. The promises she made she didn't keep. The love that seemed so intense, so real, but would vanish. The pain-filled emails that went on and on about how none of it was her fault. How she only wanted to be with me, but couldn't because I was such a monster, but could again if I did A, B, and C, because I was the greatest person she ever knew. She wrote the best letters I've ever received, and the very worst. I still have most of them, it's hard to throw those things away. They're an important part of my life. We talked of how they were Our Story. They sure were. Reading through some of them, especially the ones at the end, has helped me detach. Seeing the lies and projections more clearly now.

[seeking balance]

I had a similar experience AMU.

Not my finest moment, but on the final break when my ex had moved into another place, I had her move all her personal belongings into the spare bedroom - out of the master.  Well, she had journals for years and was adamant I was never to read them... . I did.

What I learned, before we were even together, she was with still someone else who lived out of town... . yes, I had no idea she was still with her ex and I was not the only backup either.  The point where I became "the one"  - it was like I walked on water the way she wrote about me.  Then 2 days later, I was horrible, not even sure what I did - it was "this is a mistake" etc.  This went on for YEARS before we even went into MC - I was in shock more than anything.  Things I did in kindness (offer to refill coffee) we seen as controlling (yes, really).  Mind you, during this time her mom had cancer and died, her dad was raging alcoholic and nothing was written on either of them - only about SB high and SB low and her very lost soul... . we experienced a very different relationship.

I quote 10 Beliefs from article 9 a lot - mainly because I had a personal experience with each.  Reading her journal and her experiences number 2 was so crystal clear for me.



2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits.

Unknown to you, there were likely significant   periods   of   shame,   fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

[Allmessedup]

Oh my! Thank you all for your responses!

I too can see my poor choices and reactions in the emails.  I am not proud of the person I was then.  Later when I started standing up for myself more we had longer and longer fights where I would get the silent treatment or nasty nasty email in response.  She still never accepted blame.

This last time I told her I wasn't coming back if I left and I haven't.  The damage was honestly too great.

Sb, for my ex it was all about control as well.  I paid off some of her old bills... . that she asked me to do... . near the end of our relationship.  That was control.    I treated her to her favorite candy sometimes when I was there.  Or simple other things... . that was manipulation and control.  I got her yard mowed for her when she couldn't do it and was in violation with the city... . that was control. 

She definately saw things differently than I did!

As far as I know thus far there was no other at the beginning of our relationship.  However there is someone she is pursuing now.  We were all mutual friends.  She is already looking for this replacement to "rescue her".  And she is doing so. 

It's sad, not because I am being replaced as much as I know my replacement well and she is a whole lot like me.  This won't end any better with her then it did with me.  That makes me sad for them both.  I did confide in this person at the beginning of our break up and she is aware of some of the story.  I did not think she would be my replacement at that point, but the similarities of how we started and what is going on with them follow the same pattern.

My only hope is that since my replacement is aware at least on some level of the problems of our relationship that my words might help her realize what's going on before it's too late.  However I doubt it and she will and has spun this to be all my fault of course.

But none of that is my problem anymore and honestly today I am grateful for that

[Turkish]

I had a similar experience AMU.

Not my finest moment, but on the final break when my ex had moved into another place, I had her move all her personal belongings into the spare bedroom - out of the master.  Well, she had journals for years and was adamant I was never to read them... . I did.

Ah, now I don't feel like I am so bad as not the only one who did something like this ;^)

What I learned, before we were even together, she was with still someone else who lived out of town... . yes, I had no idea she was still with her ex and I was not the only backup either.  The point where I became "the one"  - it was like I walked on water the way she wrote about me.

Did it hurt reading those? I found something mine wrote about how I was The One, and she could finally be happy and let go of her past "One" and her old self. This was when S4 was a baby. Probably the best time we had for about a year or so. I found it shocking how things could break down like that did in less than two years, and she could completely discard me.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

Unknown to you, there were likely significant   periods   of   shame,   fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

The thing about mine is that she would often cry and say to me outloud, "I have everything I ever wanted, but I'm still unhappy, why?" I didn't really have a response to that (maybe I should have come up with something wise... . but what can one say to something like that, "so what's your problem?" The shame thing makes sense. Her internal feelings shamed her, because she did have everything a partner could want, at least on th outside. But it wasn't enough. Nothing ever is. Now she's with Another One. Maybe 3rd time's the charm for her. Once was enough for me.

[growing_wings]

I can relate Allmessedup. My ex and I communicated a lot by e-mail, FB and text. I had found that she expressed herself much differently, easily, if it wasn't person to person.

.

same with me... we would email 4 - 6 times a day ... .

i was surprised at my responses. the emails progressed from nice with a huge amount of mirroring, to me just validating and going with the flow to anything she would say to emails devaluating me  or putting me down.

at times, she would respond weird to my emails, i would describe a small situation , and she would reply with the exact same lines i wrote, the exact same lines... i never understood that.

anyway...    similar stories pile up

[Mutt]

same with me... we would email 4 - 6 times a day ... .

i was surprised at my responses. the emails progressed from nice with a huge amount of mirroring, to me just validating and going with the flow to anything she would say to emails devaluating me  or putting me down.

There was a problem with my r/s if the only means of talking to each other heart to heart was done through e-mails, and social media. I have threads that are 30 or 40 messages long. I kept firing back with logic and unfortunately, I wasn't grown up enough to stop engaging. It really takes two.

at times, she would respond weird to my emails, i would describe a small situation , and she would reply with the exact same lines i wrote, the exact same lines... i never understood that.

anyway...    similar stories pile up

I have been separated for 13 months. I still get messages that she will say the exact same thing as I said.

[Turkish]

same with me... we would email 4 - 6 times a day ... .

i was surprised at my responses. the emails progressed from nice with a huge amount of mirroring, to me just validating and going with the flow to anything she would say to emails devaluating me  or putting me down.

There was a problem with my r/s if the only means of talking to each other heart to heart was done through e-mails, and social media. I have threads that are 30 or 40 messages long. I kept firing back with logic and unfortunately, I wasn't grown up enough to stop engaging. It really takes two.

The last written conversation we had that was dysfunctional was in September, when we were emailing, I was talking about co-dependency issues with both of us (me to her, her with her family), and she said she was a woman of character, and that she deserved someone with character and that I failed. (Sure: cheating, lying, and child neglector--- all of which she continued to do to the very end, though I guess it "technically" wasn't cheating at that point in her mind, those are signs of character!).

I never replied and let it lie. As my T said, "she will not hear those things, so there is nothing to be gained from saying them other than you being frustrated and angry."

She never got the co-dependency thing wither. Funny, for someone who thinks she is so wise and smart. I even sent her edited text from this site on it, and gave examples. When I mentioned my CD tendencies, she threw it out there at our very last argument (the night of the second burglary in early Jan) and said, "yeah, like your smoking!" *sigh*.

Do not answer a fool according to his (or her) folly!

[seeking balance]

at times, she would respond weird to my emails, i would describe a small situation , and she would reply with the exact same lines i wrote, the exact same lines... i never understood that.

anyway...    similar stories pile up

I have been separated for 13 months. I still get messages that she will say the exact same thing as I said.

I had that happen all through the divorce, my lines became hers... . best to just not respond I finally learned... . or validate if you are trying to get something efficiently done.

[Turkish]

at times, she would respond weird to my emails, i would describe a small situation , and she would reply with the exact same lines i wrote, the exact same lines... i never understood that.

anyway...   similar stories pile up

I have been separated for 13 months. I still get messages that she will say the exact same thing as I said.

I had that happen all through the divorce, my lines became hers... . best to just not respond I finally learned... . or validate if you are trying to get something efficiently done.

You know... . in a way, mine has done this throughout the too long detachment. It took me a long time to convince her how I wanted things done. She is eventually "on board" as them being her ideas, so I've had little conflict thus far, with the stipulation, $$ or anything. It's almost as if they just borrow thoughts and ideas from others and they become them. Obviously, we all start out blank slates to an extent, but this behavior is just so child like. S4 parrots a lot of things I say even though he sometimes has no idea what it is. He just thinks it's the thing to say since I'm saying it.

[Tausk]

Thanks for the this post.  I deleted all but one email to and from.  I regret it today because I would like now to be able to reflect.  

But one thing that remains, is that I was keeping a daily "to do" list/check-in during the last year of our interaction.  I reread those about three months ago.

What shocked me was the fact that in about 70 percent of the days I would write about how bad it was between my ex and me, how she was blowing up at me, how many times she would leave me, how many times she lied to me... . And I was writing this on a daily basis without seeing how f'ked up it all was.  The FOG was thick.

And even on those days when I would write, it was a good day with Ex, I could feel the simple relief I felt at the time, that things didn't blow up that day.

Reading the check-ins helps me to realize that my interaction with my ex was not in any manner that of two people who were going to be able to develop a long and productive bond.

[Madison66]

I read an old email from my uBPD/NPD ex gf (of three years) about four months ago.  It was about a year into the r/s and after she left T because "she didn't feel safe".  I remembering confronting her about some blatent manipulation and emotional abuse at the urging of my T.  Safe to say that didn't go so well.  We didn't talk for a day and then she sent me an email that said "bye" in the title line.  She then stated that she wrote the note at 3am and decided not to send it, but felt I should know how know her feelings.  It was a breakup note that was filled with projection and painting me black.  There were lines where she admitted using emotional abuse and blackmail, but that it was the only way to get through to me and to crack my shell.  It went on and on and said "goodbye - I will always love you".  More emotional abuse and blackmail!  I remember calling her and calling BS on the note and questioning why if she loved me so much and was having such a hard time getting through to me she would abandon individual and couples T just weeks before?  She screamed and cried on the phone like a 3 year old.  It was craziness and I went back to it again and again and again.  

So, I remember reading that email in the past few months and just shaking my head.  I thought about how it went down and it was like watching an old movie with someone else playing my role.  Like many here, I didn't get sad.  Again, it was like another life time... .  

[Allmessedup]

I too got the same lines I said!  Very very weird.  Made absolutely no sense and also acted like my ideas were her ideas and vice versa.  For example... she has a dog she loves dearly... as do I, in the beginning of the relationship she said she wasn't going to allow him on the bed ( she is allergic). So I said ok, but I don't care if he gets up there... . my dogs sleep with me.  Later she screamed at me that I won't even allow the dog on the bed.  Sigh

This "What shocked me was the fact that in about 70 percent of the days I would write about how bad it was between my ex and me, how she was blowing up at me, how many times she would leave me, how many times she lied to me... . And I was writing this on a daily basis without seeing how f'ked up it all was.  The FOG was thick. "

This was exactly what I discovered from reading the emails.  I had my journal... like  your check off of how our days progressed too but what was hugely interesting was to see her words in black and white and that it wasn't just my "spin" on it.

It showed me just how unbelievably deep I was in the FOG to have tolerated and even rationalized and excused it.

That is a place I will NEVER be again.

Madison, I too attempted to call her out once or twice... . it failed as well... . horribly

This has been such great input for me to read... . thank you all for responding.  Such similar stories we all share

[myself]

There were lines where she admitted using emotional abuse and blackmail, but that it was the only way to get through to me and to crack my shell.

My ex said and did this too, admitting how intentional it was but putting the blame on me for even having a shell to crack. Which wasn't even there, as I was being extremely open with her. She was projecting it. Then she got upset with me because it was something else that hurt me, which she couldn't face so cue more distance/ painful emails. She might as well have addressed them to me as ":)ear Scapegoat'.

[Ironmanrises]

I have 16,000+ texts(from friendship through 2 rounds of relationship) from my exUBPDgf on my old android phone(she was a heavy texter). Idealization, devaluation, discard, push/pull, contradictions, gas lighting, boundary busting, circular arguments, etc are ALL visible throughout. Like a textbook case of BPD. I tried to read through some of the other day after finding out she is now with someone else, after reading through a few, I just couldn't read anymore of it and threw the phone to the floor.

[dansure]

I delete every conversation we ever had.

However, sometimes when I see the messages that I exchanged with my friends I can see how many times I told them that I am actually not happy and how I miss our honeymoon stage. For the last 7 month out of our 1 year relationship I was constantly complaining that she is breaking up with me over every argument and that her affection is getting less and less. That reminded my of how unhappy I actually was in the relationship.

I also found some old messages of her from the time where we just started dating... . there were passages like "you always look handsome!" and stuff like that. I remember that at the last stages of the relationship I sometimes wondered if there actually really was a time where she idolized me like that because things went from "you always look handsome" to "i just don't want to see you ever again! It pressures me! Kills me! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?"... . yeah... . glad she is gone.

[Ironmanrises]

I delete every conversation we ever had.

However, sometimes when I see the messages that I exchanged with my friends I can see how many times I told them that I am actually not happy and how I miss our honeymoon stage. For the last 7 month out of our 1 year relationship I was constantly complaining that she is breaking up with me over every argument and that her affection is getting less and less. That reminded my of how unhappy I actually was in the relationship.

I also found some old messages of her from the time where we just started dating... . there were passages like "you always look handsome!" and stuff like that. I remember that at the last stages of the relationship I sometimes wondered if there actually really was a time where she idolized me like that because things went from "you always look handsome" to "i just don't want to see you ever again! It pressures me! Kills me! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?"... . yeah... . glad she is gone.

It was the same for me.

[Allmessedup]

I suffered the same thing.  I could do nothing right at the end.  We could not have a differing of opinion without her saying "I'm done".  I told myself many times that I was done... . I had planned to be gone after her kids left to return to college.  Somewhere in there I tried a last ditch effort to once again explain how I was feeling.  That was the last time we had an actual conversation... .

I am not sad anymore.  I miss the dream but not her.  I am angry and hurt but I am also relieved and grateful in many ways. 

I knew it was getting worse and worse.  It was making me a nervous wreck.

So in that way I have more peace.  I feel so much calmer inside even with all the turmoil from us breaking up.  I think I knew eventually it would happen so for the last year I have been preparing myself for it.

I am still all messed up, but I am getting better