When you went NC, how did your BPD react?

[R-u-kidding]

Mine is threatening suicide if she can't have contact with me and my family. She won't respect our choice to take a break. What was your BPD's reaction when you went NC?

[bajaloverz]

How did you go NC?

[growing_wings]

sorry to hear about your case...

mine wanted to contact me no matter how for a few days... calls , texts, emails... . most of them were threats, or accusations saying i was severely mentally ill... . i had to move to minimum contact so she would not feel as abandoned... .

after a few weeks she reduced the attempts to contact... . then silent treatment... .

[R-u-kidding]

We (my husband and I)  sat down in a meeting with her doctors and social workers at the hospital and told her we are stepping back and need a break. That we would contact her when or if we are ready.Then she contacted me as soon as she got out of the hospital through email and I replied once reiterating that we would like her to respect our boundaries and to not contact us. More emails came trying to suck me in and trying to make me feel guilty, but I never responded to them.  

[StarStruck]

Hi - Mine hasn't contacted at all but they all have differences at core, so hard to compare, unsure if yours is similar, mines a witch/queen ignoring type, with no substance addictions and looks very normal on the outside and one of the main problems I found was self diagnosing the problem in the first place.  

[PleaseValidate]

In chronological order:

Threatened suicide (but spread the love to the wrong person that time and got herself admitted inpatient psych.)

Wrote a book about why caffeine was the cause of her 40 years of irrational behavior starting with her first Coca-Cola.

Wrote me self absorbed emails and letters for about a decade explaining why she was awesome and I was an ungrateful beatch (but she knew I'd come around.) Frequency of said letters were in direct correlation between the times any man was present in her life. (Eg, her estranged dad she sought out, random boyfriends and "boy friends," etc.)

I then maintained limited contact because it was the only way my Grams and aunt would talk to me. She would write an email like, "u ok?" And I would respond "yup."

Then came the genealogy emails that we are royalty *and* related to Jesus. (I got the first one of these on the eve of my "secret wedding*." This was very concerning as her dad was a diagnosed schizophrenic... . and so is my dad.

Then came various emails asking for thousands of dollars to pay off her debt and get her dental work. When I refused because I didn't have it, then came the "wish I had an abortion emails" which made my then roommate, Nial, cry.

We starting speaking again in the last 2 years since my uncle killed himself and my Grams got sick and died. This paved the way for her to screw me over in ways I would not even possibly imagined.

Now that Grams died and my aunt also screwed me, I will be going 100% NC in the very near future. I don't think it will be too bad this time since she is inheriting over 70k and has a new man in her life- her older (and only remaining) brother.

Good times to follow ... .

*secret wedding= I told her we eloped so that my now dead Grandmother and estranged aunt could/would attend the wedding guilt free. We even had a *fake wedding ceremony*! (Me=Winner: Grand prize enabler award 2007.)

PS- I'm also a witch.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Mine went into over the top phone hijacking - "unavailable" on my Caller ID for weeks - what a magnificent invention, knowing who's on other end so you don't have to pick up in this case.

Snail mail that probably nearly blew up the US Postal Service.

No emails as no computer.

No texts as see above about Caller ID   

UNTIL... . the last 6 wks of her life, after 10 years of knowing I was not going to go for it, whether I'm told she's dying or not... . she starts calling here and leaving demanding pushy VMs and the one time my youngest picked up not realizing where the area code was from - being harsh and cruel to her own granddaughter -

When I went NC, I signed up for more crazy for a while... .

but as she saw that *I meant it* which was the whole problem for so long when I'd say over the years, "You HAVE to stop I am not going to deal with [whatever]"... . and then I kept enabling... .

PleaseValidate's post to your question isn't funny... . but I had to laugh out loud with the insane hurtful bizarre punitive levels her mother took... .

and the cool idea of a secret wedding - I only wish I would've thought of a secret wedding at age 22... . I've regretted her ruining mine all these years, even after a calm enough divorce finalized a year ago... .

I'm not a witch ... . but have dropped enough foul words most starting with "F" in the last decade to possibly qualify as a very bad witch ... . maybe soon I can move up to white witch. 

I am glad you are asking for experiences about going NC... . you can make the best "informed" decision possible... . mine was so kneejerk to what she'd just done, and it was like running off a huge cliff into the ocean, not to die but to live... . once you leap, there's no going back.

I stuck to NC and survived some totally completely crappy medical stuff that I truly believe would've been the end of me if I'd had her in my life whatsoever.

You can only handle one natural disaster at a time and live.

She was mercifully the one that was nonsurgically removed.   

[itsnotme]

Mine has no problem respecting my need for nc. However she has trashed me to my entire family making them believe her version. That's what she's good at manipulating the situation to make herself look good/like a victim. 

However for some reason she sent my kids a valentines card w money. I told my kids they could keep it if they wanted to but if they did they would have to send a text thanking her (still not sure how to handle the relationship w my kids and her. Very very hard for me bc I'm trying to teach my kids respect and to be a better person) she responded to the text- thank you for what? That's when I can see her game playing begin all over again.

She never once threatened suicide. It must be very hard to deal with that. 

[R-u-kidding]

Thank you all so much for your replies! I am so sorry to hear about each of your experiences and hurtful times. It really shows how truly cruel and devastating this disorder is. 

[DaughterofDD]

There was so much she did throughout the process of going LC then VLC and finally NC that I'm sure I'll leave several things out.  She's still trying, BTW.

Rage, screaming, crying, and hysteria in all different kinds of forms.  

Sent out as many enablers as possible - even so far as long-forgotten acquaintances and others who have had little or no contact with my family for many years.  This mostly included phone calls and emails but a few direct visits as well.  

Smear campaign from H*LL!

Suicide threats, visits to the ER blaming us (me & my sister) for her maladies including a "heart attack."

Giving some of my dad's heirlooms and valued sentimental property to some other messed up family members.  This led to a whole nice big round of cray cray!

Writing us out of her will and leaving another acquaintance in charge of the trusts for each of our kids.  

And on and on... .  Good times, I'm telling ya!    

[PleaseValidate]

lucyhoneychurch- i am VERY happy i could make you laugh as i am trying hard to reframe my traumatic past into more of a neurotic and entertaining past!

StarStruck- mine looks fine to the outside world too. it takes them at least a year to catch on that "something" is up. (I've had a few of her bfs call me and ask what the deal is. How they got my number disturbs me.) Doesn't it suck?

itsnotme- the sad thing is that all the suicide threats just sound like "wolf" after a few times. "Ruth" actually got mad at me for NOT KNOWING she was bluffing!

R-u-kidding- I hope all of these answers help u prepare for what u may be up against. Sending you much courage! ++++

[Daliah]

My uBPD-uNPD mother and uNPD father are not the type to threaten suicide. They have always preferred making me look like a terrible problem than risk being seen that way themselves - they still do it, ten years on. It comes in bursts, then things go quiet again for a while. I have no way of knowing what spurs it on when it happens.

What happened, in a nutshell:

1. Personal harassment at home and at work, plus phone calls at home and at work (lasted for about a year, tapered off gradually)

2. Smear campaign (to extended family and friends; seemed to begin after 1. ended)

3. Emails informing me that they were and are wonderful and that I am severely mentally ill, including various distance diagnoses (intermittently since about a year into NC, no regularity that I can detect)

While that is bad enough, in my opinion, worse things had happened before I went NC.

At the moment they are keeping to emails I don't respond to. The most recent came in September 2013 or thereabouts, so it has been quiet for a while now. They've gone without trying to make contact for up to a year before.

What worries me most these days isn't the content of their emails, but just the fact that they still haven't given up.

But, from what I've heard from people who have cut off family (not nearly all of it BPD-related, though), there's no rule about what to expect. Sometimes it really does seem to be simply a case of 'Have a nice life!' and silence ever after, without further threats, without suicide attempts, without attempts to re-initiate contact.

In any case, my best wishes.

[strangerinparadise]

Daliah & itsnotme- that's eerily similar to my current situation.

Mine has gotten her friends, some of my friends, & family to gang up on me. I just got a facebook image from her with the added title: "strangerinparadise? HAH!  " with the image of a little girl asking her mother "Mom? What's it like being the greatest daughter in the world?" and the mother replying "I don't know dear. You'll have to ask your grandmother."

I'm seriously thinking of blocking the people who liked the image.

Also, she's been getting one of my friends to text me and tell me that my mother really misses me and wants a call from me. I want to throw up.  

Good luck, R-u-kidding. It's so hard but you can make it. You are worth winning this fight.

[StarStruck]

StarStruck- mine looks fine to the outside world too. it takes them at least a year to catch on that "something" is up. (I've had a few of her bfs call me and ask what the deal is. How they got my number disturbs me.) Doesn't it suck?

Hi PleaseValidate

I think thats why it just took me so long to stand up, I kept doubting, had to do quite a bit of research. While I'm on I have to say this quote from you is brilliant:

Wrote a book about why caffeine was the cause of her 40 years of irrational behavior starting with her first Coca-Cola. Its the cusp of tragedy and hilarity isn't it, this encapsulates that.  

[Ritchie53]

From my experience, if the BPD has a new source/supply and is head over heels in the idealisation phase no contact gets no reaction from them. 6 months out and mine, presumably as I am still no contact and want it to remain that way, is still in honeymoon period with new guy (her ex before me), thats not to say I wasnt slandered on social media to all four quarters of the globe (or so I heard) and my no contact validates that I never cared and that there are people (her enablers) that care. No contact fast tracks the healing from the damage inflicted but it leaves us wide open as well when a new source of supply is there.

In short, if there is a new soulmate - no contact gets no reaction. - (for the time being anyhow... . )

[healinghome]

at first my BPD mum was confused.  sot I did it in stages.  I took 'time out for myself'.  but by the time I was ready to go nc she'd lost interest anyway in me as I didn't bite the bait anymore, which works for me 

[PleaseValidate]

Thank you SS! 

[clljhns]

The reaction to my no contact I think was a relief to both of my parents. I confronted my father over his abuse, but never spoke to my mother about her abuse. They are still married after 57 years. Because I brought the abuse to the spotlight, they wanted me to go away. They now only have contact with one sibling, who by the way now says that aliens abused us, not our parents. My sister has validated them, so she is allowed to have contact with them. My parents threw two of my siblings out of our lives when they were barely out of their teen years, so, basically if you don't want to play their game, they don't want you around.

I wish you all the best! Stay strong!

[coraliesolange]

I've never gone 100% NC because I have younger siblings and a dad that I couldn't contact without her permission, but when I was younger, being significantly older than my siblings, I had a LOT of really ugly problems.  Basically nobody believed what a monster she was and I felt like the entire world was resting on my shoulders to protect the littler kids and I would fight and scream and whatever I had to to draw her ire to myself... . of course I see now that wasn't beneficial to them either, but I didn't know what other options I even had. ANYWAYS when I moved out of state and started only calling the house when I expected her to be gone she started telling everybody I was a monster child who had done all kinds of terrible things and of course everybody bought into her story.  There's a bunch of people who think I'm an awful person and all I was ever trying to do was protect somebody.  Sigh.

[clljhns]

I know that this is a tough situation for you, especially with younger siblings involved. Let me say that if people are willing to believe the worst about you, these are not people you want in your life. As to your siblings, you may find that they reach out to you when they are older and feel strong enough. I am the youngest of five, and yet felt as equally responsible the emotional safety of my older siblings. What I came to find, is that while I don't have relationships with my siblings, I do have relationships with their children. My oldest sister stayed enmeshed with my parents and my other siblings have huge mental health issues. They are all too toxic for me to deal with. I finally came to the conclusion, that while they may be my family by birth, they are not the family I would choose for myself. I need peace and relationships that are not fraught with conflict.

Many blessings for you and your siblings! I wish you much strength and peace!

[Ritchie53]

No Contact has become a very interesting concept. Initially, and I think a lot of nons feel this way, NC is seen as almost method to make the BPDex miss us. The harshest reality hits us when we realise they have moved on and are different people to what they were with us. This stumbles our healing process and many a non attempts the reconnect at this point. If the no contact can be kept up through this difficult period then it quickens the healing process at the other side. We start noticing that the pain and suffering begin to subside as 'normality' starts taking preference, the BPD however, never truly moves on, whether they reconnect or not is a different subject and a different thread, but both parties need to work through the emotional turmoil of the relationship break up, the non does but the BPD never does. This is indicated by the BPD always hating us and having us painted black.

It becomes clear down the line that in the early stages NC hurts us more than we are already hurt, but eventually it becomes the most powerful tool that you can wield, don't underestimate it, it is a high, high hand to play.

[bobertthecat]

Oh boy, where to begin!

1) smear campaign to the point that a beloved but very enmeshed

Aunt and cousins dropped me from their lives. Very painful.

2)part of the smear campaign was telling anyone who would listen that an ex-stepdad had molested me( not true, he beat me but never molested). This had the effect of smearing 2 people at once. (He had divorced her about 5 years before I went nc)

3) telling the above aunt that *i* said that my uncle( the aunt's hubby)

Had molested me. Also, not true. ( never molested me and I never said he did). In fact, my mom, about 10 years before nc, point blank asked me if this had ever happened ( in front of my then 7 year old brother). I firmly said no. ( my mother was the one who was sexually

Inappropriate with me- yet she had to spread the wealth to others)

4)began stalking me physically and over the phone. ( some of the last words she said to me when I was still low contact but trying to protect boundaries were," You are my daughter, I own you. I can do anything I want."-that's when I decided to go nc)

5)The stalking included showing up at the executive office for patient relations at the hospital where I had a fairly public position. She complained that I as an employee was mistreating her as a patient. Luckily, we are a county hospital and part of our target population are the mentally ill. My bosses rallied behind me and shielded me.

6) in the past year, I have gone back to low contact( one email/month). She has burnt too many bridges and is demanding I write more because she loves me. ( which I interpret as, she has nowhere left to turn and would appreciate my money and devotion- yes, I'm jaded... . and wary) I love her but I will not be hovered back into her chaos... . I will try to encourage her to reach out to social help agencies-if she will)

[tryintogetby]

Constant, harassing phone calls & texts. Sometimes I would get as many as 30 calls or texts per day.  uBPD mom also called everyone I'd ever known and loved, & tried to get *them* to suck me back in. So, for a while, it was also a bizarre version of: "TTGB, this is your life!" as everyone from my old pastor to my 3rd grade best friend to a great-aunt-in-law called me to ask WHY I was disconnecting from MY OWN MOTHER. 

The suicide attempts & threats were so awful, because we as a society are conditioned (and rightly so!) to respond to and support suicidal people.  But since the public at large has no clue about BPD, we get to look like heartless, uncaring shrews when we do things like maintain boundaries & call the police if they act serious.