I'm in shock - he was just an emotional con artist and a philanderer

[toomanytears]

My BPDh started divorce proceedings against me some time ago. He instigated it as a way to force me to sell our home so he could buy his own place. He's now cut off mortgage payments in order to freeze me out financially.

Recently I got his bank statements through as part of financial disclosure. Goodness knows why his solicitor sent them at this stage - they are incomplete but nonetheless revealing. It's clear from the items listed on the statements that my BPDh was having an affair for months before he says that I  'threw him out of the house'. Expensive hotels, meals out, flowers (the most hurtful)- None of these enjoyed with me!  

After he left last August, I spent six months grieving the loss of our marriage. All that time he strung me along with a pack of lies painting me black, and making it seem like it was my fault that our relationship collapsed. He convinced me I needed therapy saying that if I went, he would join me and we'd try and work things out. I even offered to let him take some of our capital so he could pay a deposit on a new place. Fortunately he never took me up on it.

Looking at the bank statements, the penny has dropped that it was all a sham, our whole marriage of 31 years. I don't suppose this fling was the first time: he was probably lying and cheating with other women all along.  Hence the repeated accusations that I was being unfaithful. It was all projecttion.

I was so blind. I'm in a state of shock really. It's hard to take. What a con artist... .

[mywifecrazy]

After he left last August, I spent six months grieving the loss of our marriage. All that time he strung me along with a pack of lies painting me black, and making it seem like it was my fault that our relationship collapsed.

Looking at the bank statements, the penny has dropped that it was all a sham, our whole marriage of 31 years. I don't suppose this fling was the first time: he was probably lying and cheating with other women all along.

I was so blind. I'm in a state of shock really. It's hard to take. What a con artist... .

Wow 31 years! I thought I had it rough living a LIE for 18yrs. Like you I grieved my divorce for about 6 months. For me it was uncovering her cell phone activity that opened my eyes to the TRUTH. I found out that she too was a Con Artist and a cunningly deceptive one at that. She was running Around on me from the beginning. My healing started once I found out the truth. It was painful finding out how much she used me but I came to the realization that she is a sick person and that non of her improprieties were my fault! Our marriage failed because of who she is and there was nothing I could have done to fix her. She used me big time but I SURVIVED!

I hope your healing has started and you get to enjoy peace and happiness as you move away from the craziness!

[woodsposse]

My initial healing process took only a few months after close to a 20 year relationship and co-parenting my children from a previous marriage.  After that time, I started dating another woman.  This not being my first go around with a breakup this intense, I knew I had to "get back out there" and not sit alone in our house and fall apart.

Although my current ex was diagnosed it wasn't BPD... . but the more I am learing about the disorder - this is exactly what it was.  Anyway... . the MOMENT she found I was was seeing someone else she burst through all boundaries to come back (claiming she was just diagnosed with cancer) and I allowed us to get together to discuss her medical conditions.  This lasted about 5 minutes and then the rest of the time we discussed my new r/s and how she thinks me wanting a divorce is a mistake.

I'm like... . uh... . I didn't want a divorce - you did.  But that didn't matter.  She put one foot in and continued to have one foot in so long as it was a way to get me to come back in fully and not see my new lady friend.  Well that wasn't going to happen... . so the anger turned and I was fully an azzhat again.

Then after the new year we started talking again - she came clean about who she had been dating (it was someone I confronted her about cheating on me with) and how he was an ass, she got pregnant, had a miscarriage... . he didn't stand by her and she loved me and wanted to see if we could work it out.  Which of course was a lie.

I didn't bite.  Well, not that hard anyway.  I never stepped away from my new r/s - but I got super confused with one foot in and one foot out of my old life.  Slowly, even with counceling, it took me some time to fully disconnect.  Luckily she got knocked up by a new victim... . so that pretty much put everything to bed for me.

I had already started to disconnect and was getting to the point where I didn't want to have any contact with her even before she told me of the pregnancy.  I admit, my heart did go out to her a bit because she had always wanted us to have kids and I was "happy" she could finally experience it.

But... . her poor new victim has no idea what he is in for.  And I feel soo sad for those children  They are in for a very very rough ride being in that family.  Her entire family is a bit off.  They all like to look at issues and not deal with them as if they are not there - then wonder why they are all off a bit.

They think it is normal.  I think it is scary.  So I tried to stay away from them as best I could (which, of course, made me the bad guy).

Anyway.  We lost the house.  We lost all the money we put in the house.  And even after all of that she had the "nerve" to say that after she had the babies she could see her and I moving away together to start a "new" life and be happy together.

I'm sorry... . what?

Anyway... . because of the continued interactions it just took a little longer for me to fully detach.  Luckily, my new SO was conscious enough to know I was dealing with the separation and she trusted (and hoped) things could work out and I wouldn't go back... . and there is really no way I would want to go back to that mess.

Luckily during this time I had also been in therapy.  Was in therapy before the final break up through the separation and right up until the time where I really started to disconnect.  I hadn't fully wrapped my brain around the fact that she had been diagnosed with a PD (not BPD, but looking at all the symptoms and everyone elses stories... . yup she is BPD no doubt) so I couldn't fully utilize my time on the couch to approach it from that point of view.

But... . as I look back on my time in therapy - that is exactly what I was describing to my councelor, and some of the advices they were giving was a thinly veiled ":)ude, your wife is BPD... . as were your other relationships as well.  Oh... . and you have serious mommy issues you should look at."

After coming tto this group (and I have only been here about two weeks) - my brain has been able to finally understand what I have been going through.  Not only that, I am able to finally fully understand the impact of my FOO on all the relationships I had ever since leaving home.

I'm not saying by any means that I was an innocent... . but at least I can put a name to it and begin to understand and finally heal.  I always knew there was something I was missing.  I just didn't know what.  After finally confronting my mother (last week) - she told me she had been diagnosed PD 30 years ago.

I'm like... . what?  30 years ago?  And I'm just finding out about this now?

So I called it like I saw it.  I flat out told her she abused me as a child.  She is a child abuser.  She was then and she is now.  (don't get me started on how she still acts... . that is a totally different post).

None of this changes the hurt and pain and confusing things which have been going on - but at least I understand now.

All of that is to say this - I think we all knew deep down what our SO with a PD were doing.  If it were a healthy relationship, then arguments and conflicts would have made sense.  We wouldn't have been devalued and made to feel that we did everything wrong and deserve to be treated in such a way.

I'm positive most of us didn't just sit and take it.  We "fought" back.  We argued.  We rationalized.  We got very intelligent and logical in our arguments.  We were able to show proof of bad behaviors on their part only to somehow make it seem like we still did something wrong (and then we even sat back and looked at the proof again to double check that we didn't get something wrong and then requestined if we actually were right).

All that is to say this - walk away.

Don't focus on the relationship, the lies, the mistreatment, the being painted black or trying to get positive closure.  Cause it ain't gonna happen.  Refocus attention on you.  What is it in you and your past which made it so you were able to put up with it as long as you did.

I know what I did it - and I'm not so sure if I had to do it all over again if I wouldn't.  Part of me, armed with the information I currently have, wants to say I would have still gotten involved with her (she is bright, charming, witty, extremely intelligent, loving, caring... . but evil.)

The other part of me says run.  Run fast.  Run fast and far.  Run fast, far and keep running.  And never look back.  Yes, part of my history with her was a lie.  Part of my history and my life with her I will never know.  I'll never know the truth.  I will never know what she did when I wasn't there.  I will never reclaim the years wasted in pointless arguments or kicking myself in the backside because I got mad (and rightfully so) - and then feel guilty because I got mad because I was being abused... . which, when you stop and think about it should make you angry.

I mean - think of it like this... . someone breaks into your house, steals your stuff, they get caught - and you go to them to apologize to them for you getting upset they did that to you and you know your getting upset hurt them and you want to make things better between the two of you.

You want to save your abuser?

[heartandwhole]

Oh, toomanytears, what a blow.  That is so hard. I know I'd be in a state of shock, too, and probably numb.    I'm sorry you had to go through this.

How are you feeling today? 

Keep writing, we're listening. 

[winston72]

Hey TooManyTears... . that is a terrible shock... . and emotional injury.  I am so sorry.  And MyWifeCrazy, so hurtful for you also.  Ugh.

I discovered cheating after just one year of a rocky relationship, and it was devastating.  To uncover such behavior within a long term marriage is uniquely destructive.  As HeartandWhole said, keep writing... . we're listening.  It does really help to tell our stories, and to hear others tell theirs.

[toomanytears]

Thanks all.  It really does help to hear your responses and experiences. We are not alone.

I feel much better today since I had a long phone call with my daughter.  I've worried worried that my BPDh will lure her in to his new relationshp. He is likely to do that to try and make her accept what he's been up to. ATM she does not want to talk about her father's behaviour - I think she just can't handle it. He was her darling Daddy but as she grew older the flaws in his personality became more and more obvious. However, he's a very seductive personality and still has a strong hold over her, so she simply refuses to discuss the latest turn of events. In the end I deciced on very business-like email outlining the facts about my BPDh and me (what stage we were at in the divorce etc) keeping the emotions well at bay.  I concluded by saying that I'd be happy to talk to her on skype about her new job in the US if she wanted to chat.

Avoiding the thorny issue of her dad, my BPDh, we spoke for a good hour about this and that, She even asked me to book holiday so I could see her in August and we organised to be together in the US (where she works) next Christmas and for my son to join us. So that was a very gooc indication that she wanted to be with me. Thank goodness.

[Surnia]

I am so sorry to hear all this, toomany, and glad you are a bit better today. 

This is really tough.

Keep posting here and reaching out to friends or family members.