Broke no contact after 9 months

[snappafcw]

I last heard from my ex girlfriend in June 2013 via email

I decided to email her yesterday but I made emphasis in the message that I didn't need a reply. I had so many nagging things in the back of my mind that still needed to be said. I don't miss her and I don't want her back but I was still holding onto some pain so my motivation was just to let the last of it out in a positive way, let go and wish her the best. I feel better already. After letting so much time go past this seemed like an effective form of healing for me as I will not contact her again.

What are your thoughts or experiences?

[woodsposse]

I think we all have been there and done that.

I've written about 100 of those emails, texts... . heck, even hand written letters.  Each one was progressively shorter and shorter.  some of the ones I wrote - which said "good bye", I never gave to her.  I was about to... . each time I saw her, but I never did.

The emails and text she got - but all had the same effect.  Nothing.

The other day, I went through some things and threw away the handwritten letters.  I went out of my way to open one of them and read it.  I just wanted to remind myself what I said to her.  Knowing now that I was dealing with an undiagnosed BPD (but she was diagnosed with another PD)... . I know what I wrote would have gone in one ear and out the other.

Sure it felt good to write it and felt good to release what I needed in text or emails - but all it did was prolong the inevitable of detatchment.

I did break n/c yesterday.  She sent me a text regarding my middle daughter and some medical issue which they finally decide to share with me (we have adult children). 

I texted back and it was the best communication I have had with her in quite a number of years.  I simply said "Thanks".

She is no longer part of my life so why hold on to a life that is no longer part of me?

All you did, in my opinion, is let your ex know is... . she still has an effect on you and that you are still hurting.  Secretly (or not so secretly) she is enjoying knowing that fact.  She may reply.  She may not - but either way the end result will be the exact same.  your pain.

Pain if she doesn't reply (because despite what you may have said, you want her to reply). Or pain if she does reply... . because you will not get from her what you need - and you never will.  Or pain if you actually get the words from her your heart is looking for and even a slimmer a chance she will recycle you... . and then the cycle starts all over again.

Trust me... . been there - done that.

It's not a biggie, like I said, I'm sure we have all done it.  I just hope you find peace in the fact that the ride has come to a stop and now it is time to take off your seat belt, lift the lap bar and exit the car.

Trust me... . there are other rides in this amusement park we call life.  And a lot of them are an actual fun ride.  (oh geez - what an awesome metaphor).

[GreenMango]

Well Snap you can always ask for clarification.  She may give it to you or she may not... . or it might not make much sense even if she does.

She may have experienced the relationship in a totally different way... . i think this was one of the ten beliefs that keep you stuck - thinking the person experienced the relationshipIin the same way as you.

Are you going to be okay if she doesn't answer?

[snappafcw]

Yeah mango I will be fine the thing is I don't have anything left to say at all now so it would actually be better if she didn't reply.

of course part of me would like her to contact but you are right the belief that she experienced the relationship the same way as me is a trap. But at least now she knows I don't hate her so if anything If she goes on with her miserable life I hope im at least one thing she will no longer feel shame about... . however as is the nature of BPD im sure this is impossible.

[LA4610]

Snap,

I did the same thing. I wrote my ex a short, concise, and well thought out email that had everything I wanted to say to her ever again. Like you, it made me feel better. I got closure on my end.

[RecycledNoMore]

Dear snapper, over the past 7 months I have been reading the BPD family boards from page 8 hundred and something,I am actually up to the pages with alot of your posts, the last one I read from you is where she emailed you to ask you for a song?

You were hurt and felt used, you said you felt like nothing more than a jukebox to her,it made me sad for you, Im wondering,did something trigger you into wanting to contact her again after such a long period of nc?

Dont beat yourself up for breaking nc,im pretty sure we have all been down that bumpy road... .

I just hope you will be ok if she does/ dosent reply.

[snappafcw]

The song turned out to be a false alarm it was actually a work colleague turns out they both have similar phone numbers... .

The last time I heard from my ex was when she emailed me, I wrote back and then she replied one more time that she doesn't want me to hate her. I never replied after that message and that was 9 months ago. Truth is i wanted to reply with more but I was too proud and I carried it with me all this time. That's why I just had to say my last little peace to let go once and for all. I know she can't communicate like a grown adult so It would be best if she didn't write back.

I guess my motivation is 2 things. I no longer want to hold pain and because she is BPD and has so much shame in her life I hope our relationship is one thing she can let go of now that she knows I hold no grudge.