Being aware of physical reaction (or lack of it)

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I had an odd experience today.  Just 24 hours after posting about contact with my exH's exgf, today I met his new wife.  It was at a family sporting event and I had a feeling that she might be there so was semi-prepared.  I was standing with one of my kids when I saw ex coming towards us but he never appeared.  When I looked round, I saw him talking with a woman and realised that she must be his new wife.

What surprised me was my lack of physical response.  My head was telling me that I ought to be upset because he was standing there very relaxed and they looked like a happy, settled couple.  But I didn't feel any palpitations or sick feeling in my stomach - a normal reaction to my ex in last few years.  This should have been an extremely difficult situation for me but I was able to approach them and introduce myself to her and then spent a significant amount of time chatting with her while ex had to be elsewhere. 

I can't say that it was all OK - it's not easy to hear him joking with her in front of me the way he would do with me not so long ago.  It was hard to see my kids go off to join them for lunch whilst I went home alone.  It's annoying to realise that he's found someone really decent instantly!  Part of me was starting to go down the road of wondering if I had somehow imagined his abusive behaviours because he seemed so relaxed.  Had I not just heard from the exgf about how she'd suffered similar behaviours, I would be seriously doubting myself.  But I now feel relieved that I have not 'gone to pieces' in the way that I would have before.

Does anyone else find that the reduction in negative physical reactions are a useful 'barometer' of where you are in the journey towards detachment and healing?

Claire

[clairedair]

I had an odd experience today.  Just 24 hours after posting about contact with my exH's exgf, today I met his new wife.  It was at a family sporting event and I had a feeling that she might be there so was semi-prepared.  I was standing with one of my kids when I saw ex coming towards us but he never appeared.  When I looked round, I saw him talking with a woman and realised that she must be his new wife.

What surprised me was my lack of physical response.  My head was telling me that I ought to be upset because he was standing there very relaxed and they looked like a happy, settled couple.  But I didn't feel any palpitations or sick feeling in my stomach - a normal reaction to my ex in last few years.  This should have been an extremely difficult situation for me but I was able to approach them and introduce myself to her and then spent a significant amount of time chatting with her while ex had to be elsewhere. 

I can't say that it was all OK - it's not easy to hear him joking with her in front of me the way he would do with me not so long ago.  It was hard to see my kids go off to join them for lunch whilst I went home alone.  It's annoying to realise that he's found someone really decent instantly!  Part of me was starting to go down the road of wondering if I had somehow imagined his abusive behaviours because he seemed so relaxed.  Had I not just heard from the exgf about how she'd suffered similar behaviours, I would be seriously doubting myself.  But I now feel relieved that I have not 'gone to pieces' in the way that I would have before.

Does anyone else find that the reduction in negative physical reactions are a useful 'barometer' of where you are in the journey towards detachment and healing?

Claire

[heartandwhole]

That sounds really great, clairedair.  I hope I'd be as relaxed around my pwBPD as you were.  Fortunately, (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) it's very unlikely to happen. 

I think your lack of bodily reaction is very telling.  Once, on a train in another country, I heard some people approaching, speaking English, and one of them sounded just like him.  My heart started beating rapidly, although I knew there was no way it was him.  The body remembers.

After we feel what we need to, the body can be free again to react to what is happening in the moment, instead of the past.  Sounds like you are there, and that's wonderful!

[clairedair]

Hi heartandwhole,

I should have maybe clarified that my lack of negative physical reaction was more about the situation - first meeting with new wife - rather than about contact with him.  I'd have to say that I will feel I have really taken a giant step forward when I am completely indifferent to my exH and I am not there yet.  If his new wife hadn't been at the game, I would have found it much harder to talk to him.   I am still angry with him because of refusal to engage with me about the ending of our relationship and being completely out of it has meant that I've really seen and felt the depth of the abuse.   it's taking a while to get past that. But I don't feel that's anything to do with her and it didn't seem appropriate to just blank him especially as our children were around.

Funny what you say about the body remembering - I still jump when the doorbell goes and I'm not expecting anyone because even though he's remarried and seems happy and logically wouldn't be at my house, there's a part of me 'trained' to expect him to either appear unexpectedly to give me a row or appear to say he wants back! 

Interestingly, after saying earlier that I hadn't felt a negative reaction, tonight I am feeling a bit annoyed with myself for being as friendly with him as I was.  I feel that I have been a bit inauthentic in that respect. Maybe I was just desperate not to come across as the bitter ex.