Validation exercises

[Depression = 72% of members]

Validation lives of daily and conscious practice. It is a key skill for regulating emotions of ourselves and others. It is also very useful to reach out to others and connect and influence them. The opposite namely invalidation is a central mechanism in conflict escalation as well as emotional abuse. Recognizing invalidation can help to protect us. This should be enough to motivate anyone even without a pwBPD to spend serious time on the topic

References:

 COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

 COMMUNICATION: Validation - stop invalidating others

1) Validation: Share a typical conflict situation in your relationship with the likely main emotions of your partner. Give examples of

   a) validating sentences

   b) validating behavior

2) Invalidation: Describe a situation where you only looked at the surface and did not take the emotional state of a person (SO or other) into account. How did the person react? How did you react to their reaction? How did you feel at that moment?

3) Head over to the New Member board and look out for someone who's post who's situation you understand. Now think about the situation from a more from a deeper or an emotional side. Post a short validating welcome reflecting your understanding in terms the other one is likely to understand.

4) Pick someone you interact often and try to validate deliberately at least once in every interaction.

5) Watch a movie, listen to a song. What emotions are in play - name them. How are these emotions expressed - words, other means? How are others reacting to these emotions?

You may be shy and a little bit reluctant so keep in mind that practical exercises work best if you write the down like here as soon as one is done  

[an0ught]

Validation lives of daily and conscious practice. It is a key skill for regulating emotions of ourselves and others. It is also very useful to reach out to others and connect and influence them. The opposite namely invalidation is a central mechanism in conflict escalation as well as emotional abuse. Recognizing invalidation can help to protect us. This should be enough to motivate anyone even without a pwBPD to spend serious time on the topic

References:

 COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

 COMMUNICATION: Validation - stop invalidating others

1) Validation: Share a typical conflict situation in your relationship with the likely main emotions of your partner. Give examples of

   a) validating sentences

   b) validating behavior

2) Invalidation: Describe a situation where you only looked at the surface and did not take the emotional state of a person (SO or other) into account. How did the person react? How did you react to their reaction? How did you feel at that moment?

3) Head over to the New Member board and look out for someone who's post who's situation you understand. Now think about the situation from a more from a deeper or an emotional side. Post a short validating welcome reflecting your understanding in terms the other one is likely to understand.

4) Pick someone you interact often and try to validate deliberately at least once in every interaction.

5) Watch a movie, listen to a song. What emotions are in play - name them. How are these emotions expressed - words, other means? How are others reacting to these emotions?

You may be shy and a little bit reluctant so keep in mind that practical exercises work best if you write the down like here as soon as one is done  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lilibeth]

An0ught, thank you for this post. Am following it through.

I need to tell you this, and get your resoponse. Yesterday i consciously tried validation. My husband was narrating something where as usual everyone and everything is rubbish and wrong and noone knows how to do anything right. Then he asked me a question. I started to answer, giving my solution. He just went off the deep end and started getting agitated and angry - i quickly spoke louder than him telling him that his point of view was totally valid and that i fully agreed with him. Almost immediately he stopped and carried on again in his normal tone. I, though, was shaking with fear, but i did it, an0ught... . i got that he was somehow feeling wronged and inadequate, so told him that what he was thinking was right. Did i do the right thing? was that validation? The rest of the day passed in quietness.

[SweetCharlotte]

Lillibeth: Speaking louder than my uBPDh would not have worked for me; he would have hung up on me or left the room. It might work in your situation though.

What is working for me these days is just not JADEing. That in itself has saved me from a lot of unnecessary conflict.

When I justify, argue, defend, or (what's the one that begins with an E?), he perceives it as invalidating.

I will try to be more validating with new members too. I tend to go off on members who are here to commiserate over a relationship with a pwBPD that was occurring on the side of their marriage to someone else. I tend to try to redirect the person to his/her marriage, and urge that s/he either resolve issues in the marriage or obtain a divorce before heading into a new relationship. However, the new member usually perceives this as invalidating and judgmental.

[SweetCharlotte]

When I justify, argue, defend, or (what's the one that begins with an E?), he perceives it as invalidating.

The E is for explain.

[Hope26]

Sweet Charlotte, that's what works for me most of the time, too (not JADEing).  Also, the more I can be in control of my own emotions, the better off we both are.  I am learning not to 'vent' with him when I've had a bad day at work, etc.  Many spiritual traditions teach meditation and the practice of emotional detachment; e.g., calming one's mind and not letting emotional negatives creep into one's thoughts or discussions.  I feel if I can learn to be better at this myself, it will help our r/s a lot.  The ideal thing would be if we could both practice this, but we can only control our own behavior in the long run.

[SweetCharlotte]

Yes, definitely, Hope: not venting goes a long way too. And it's healthier for us too. There is no such thing as "letting off steam." The steam is usually some form of pollution 

[Lilibeth]

SweetCharlotte, he just follows me around and goes on and on - sometimes, speaking louder helps, but a lot of the time keeping quiet helps... . but it does make me feel like a rag! Yes, i am being careful, very careful about JADEing. That always ended in disaster. You're so right, Hope26 - the only thing we can control is our behaviour. Yes, meditation helps a lot. You know, i have this Tibetan sound bowl - when i am deeply disturbed, it does not resonate at all... . gradually as i loosen up and let it go, the resonance starts... . only thing is i have to be alone for this, 'cos i cannot do it when he is around. Then i have to just drown out his voice with some thoughts i keep repeating to myself. That helps in detaching me from the situation. It is difficult though. I think, for me, Hope26, the hardest has been to accept that this is the way it's going to be and the onus is on me to look our for myself if i want to keep this r/s going. Past two days, i have been just concentrating on this... . of course being connected to all of you here has helped enormously... . today am feeling a little stronger about the acceptance bit. All the other things i've learnt here - especially validation - are slowly falling into place - i'm far, far from being strong, but at least i'm beginning to get a full understanding now... . of him and of me. Not hurting as much either... .

[Surnia]

Good job, not to jadeing! I think this is one of the first keys. 

And awareness for the own feelings and not act out. Its good to have some little reminders like a song bowl or something else.

Keep going like this!

[takingandsending]

Here's my example of validation and invalidation, all wrapped up in one short and unfortunately somewhat typical exchange with BPD wife:

Wife: I just got off the phone with Store X, and you were the one who spent the $53 dollars on your debit card!

Me: So the charge was on my card?

Wife: Yes, you got cash back after you bought something, and I had to chase down this charge because you didn't remember!

Me: I did buy something at the store, but I don't remember getting cash back. I must have done that. If you recall, I didn't make the entry of a credit of $53 in the check registry. I just went by what you had entered. INVALIDATION ... .and here's how it went from there

Wife: How can you expect me to know what you bought at Store X [I don't]. It's not like I had your receipt or anything! [She did as that would have been the only basis for entry into the check register]

Me: I just reconciled the account and asked about a credit in the register where the bank statement showed a charge. MORE INVALIDATION/JADE

Wife: I spent a lot of time talking to the cashier at Store X and putting them to a lot of trouble to go through receipts to get this corrected. I put them through a lot of trouble for something that was our mistake.

Me: I can see how uncomfortable you must feel. I am sorry that you went to that trouble over a mistake that we made. Thank you for letting me know about it.VALIDATION ... .at last.

Uncomfortable and awkward silence at which point the wind has left her sails but there's nowhere particularly positive to go. At this point, I ought to have gently encouraged her, noting that we generally do very well when we work on the finances together, but my heart is not in it.

In retrospect, I can see why the invalidation upset her more when she was already upset to start with. My interest in what actually happened cost me and my wife a lot. It is my attachment to having some small part of my experience validated that causes most of the trouble for me and hurt for her. I know that I have to work out my anger and grief over this attachment before things can really improve further for me.

I have been practicing more active engagement and validation over things that she is interested in and passionate about - it's much easier than responding in wise mind to the blindsides of anger. Still, this type of conversation would have escalated 7 months ago, so there is progress.

[jacob77]

I am sorry to partialy disagree with the whole concept of validation.  My experience with BPD is simple, you can not validate everything a BPD does just to avoide conflict.   When they enter that state of mind, you can see the anxiety coming early on.  Validation might help at these very narrow moments in time when you see the signs, but I would not expand that beyond these moments.  Total validation may very well stretch their boundries and that can be a dangereous thing in the long term... .!

[takingandsending]

Hi Jacob. Can you explain what you mean? Perhaps give an example of where you think you can validate and where you should not?

I try to follow Fruzetti's rules: 1) validate the valid, 2) don't invalidate the valid, 3) don't validate the invalid, and 4) invalidate the invalid as necessary e.g. when it applies to  safety or significant risk/consequence to either you, the pwBPD or someone else. Is this what you are referring to?

Total validation would go against the third rule. I think the aim is not to avoid conflict but to encourage healthier communications, although I readily admit avoiding conflict gets threaded into my own personal efforts more often than it should. That's my own issue to work on. Thanks for your post.

[Jessica84]

I try to follow Fruzetti's rules: 1) validate the valid, 2) don't invalidate the valid, 3) don't validate the invalid, and 4) invalidate the invalid as necessary e.g. when it applies to  safety or significant risk/consequence to either you, the pwBPD or someone else.

I get stuck on #2... .invalidating the valid. Like when he FEELS hopeless. This is silly to me. I point out all the good in his life. (Basically, I skip SE and go straight to T). That doesn't go too well. He starts arguing and listing everything hopeless in his life. Now even I'm convinced he's doomed! So then I load up on SE. I've got to start getting this in the right order!

It's not easy dissecting an everyday conversation in the moment. I'm hoping with better practice I can get it down pat.

[takingandsending]

I have that same problem, too!    The awareness that you are showing in your own responses is amazing ... .really. So much of human conversation/relation is happening at a rapid, unconscious level. Being with a pwBPD makes us slow everything down. I sometimes practice putting the tip of my tongue to the roof of my mouth while my wife speaks so that I don't blurt out something in haste and inadvertently set of the chain reaction of invalidation. But, as waverider has stated, sometimes you just have to allow yourself to be human and let the pwBPD deal with it. You aren't perfect. It's an unfair expectation to try to make yourself get this down pat. You have awareness, which is, whether you see it or not or he is appreciative of it or not, a huge boon to your partner.

Next time when he feels hopeless, do your best to validate how frustrating and hard it is to feel hopeless - we all feel that way from time to time, so it's not hard to empathize there. Let him know you care (if you aren't triggered yourself!). That's about all we can do. Too often, I get triggered by my wife's "complaints" that I don't muster up sympathy. I am not taking care of myself, which is why I can't extend much love to her in those moments. This is a very demanding illness for non's. We have to be uncomfortably honest with ourselves because our partners really can't be.

[Jessica84]

When I'm triggered, I found it best not to say too much. But then he'll take my silent pauses as invalidating.    Either way, I'm going to invalidate him. I get triggered most when I get hung up on his words. I've tried deleting his awful texts, but sometimes they stick with me. His actions seldom reflect what he says, but I can't help it when his words slice me in half. Hard to validate his feelings when I can't validate my own first... .if that makes sense?

[takingandsending]

Makes a lot of sense to me, Jessica. 

The hardest lesson for me is to learn to take care of myself first. If I don't do that, all my efforts to help or even having a boundary seem to go off track. We are suffering from the deep hurt of having been abused by our loved ones. There's no quick remedy to heal that. My wife fills in a lot of negative stuff during my pauses. Sometimes, I will then acknowledge that she feels belittled when I don't respond, but I do not validate the invalid - namely, that my silence means that I am feeling how she states. I can usually be truthful as well and say that I am not responding because I want to think about and say the most caring thing I can in that moment. Or you can simply say, I'll have to think about that, when you are still in the midst of your own emotions. Validation shouldn't be about invalidating yourself, but I often struggle with that feeling too. Probably because I am jumping to validate when my heart isn't in it.

Do you try validating when emotions are not elevated? I think that is the best place to start. Build that foundation in as much safety as possible before venturing into the wilderness of communicating during a dysregulation.

[an0ught]

Do you try validating when emotions are not elevated? I think that is the best place to start. Build that foundation in as much safety as possible before venturing into the wilderness of communicating during a dysregulation.

Validation is not just for the difficult times and starting to make the first steps where it is safe is a good idea. Also keep in mind that validation can be practiced with almost anyone you have even a loose relationship (like talking to).

Validation shouldn't be about invalidating yourself, but I often struggle with that feeling too. Probably because I am jumping to validate when my heart isn't in it.

The point of validation is that it is about the other person and not about us. Expressing what is about the OTHER person should not invalidate us in general as it is not about us. If done properly it is usually pushing foreign emotions out of our head and helps us to make sense of them.

My experience with BPD is simple, you can not validate everything a BPD does just to avoide conflict.   When they enter that state of mind, you can see the anxiety coming early on.  Validation might help at these very narrow moments in time when you see the signs, but I would not expand that beyond these moments.  Total validation may very well stretch their boundries and that can be a dangereous thing in the long term... .!

We should not avoid necessary conflicts and boundaries are very important to provide structure and stability in the relationship. Validation is about giving emotional feedback and can sometimes help the pwBPD getting their emotions back under control. Of course validation does not help when the pwBPD is really in tantrum mode and not able to listen at all anymore. Validation in the long run is very, very important as:

  - it lowers the general level of distress in the relationship

  - it is a relationship connection healing tool and counter-acts the relationship splitting forces of boundaries

  - it nurtures nascent self validation skills of the pwBPD

  - it nurtures validation skills in the pwBPD

  - it counters invalidation tendencies in the pwBPD

The ratio of validating to invalidating exchanges has been shown to be one of the best predictors on whether couples stay together. Getting back to a healthy level e.g. 5... 10 to 1 is key for rebuilding the relationship.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I am an optimist and my SO is generally not.  It is difficult for me to listen to everything is so bad without countering that it is not.  I realize this is invalidating!

Sometimes these conversations where my SO seems stuck like a broken record, reciting all the terrible things in the world, I find distraction is a good technique.  I listen for a bit, really listen, then when there is a pause I change the topic.  It seems to get us unstuck.  It reminds me of when i used to listen to records and you had to move the needle past the scratched part in order to get the music flowing again.

Just this morning, my husband was upset because he had been doing so much around the house and I asked him about a piece of mail and man he reacted by telling me again how he had been doing so much and I just wanted him to do more... .like say if he wanted me to throw a letter away .  Then a spider crawled out from under something, and I screamed then the conversation was over.  Distraction works sometimes.

[Loosestrife]

I am an optimist and my SO is generally not.  It is difficult for me to listen to everything is so bad without countering that it is not.  I realize this is invalidating!

Sometimes these conversations where my SO seems stuck like a broken record, reciting all the terrible things in the world, I find distraction is a good technique.  I listen for a bit, really listen, then when there is a pause I change the topic.  It seems to get us unstuck.  It reminds me of when i used to listen to records and you had to move the needle past the scratched part in order to get the music flowing again.

Just this morning, my husband was upset because he had been doing so much around the house and I asked him about a piece of mail and man he reacted by telling me again how he had been doing so much and I just wanted him to do more... .like say if he wanted me to throw a letter away .  Then a spider crawled out from under something, and I screamed then the conversation was over.  Distraction works sometimes.

I did this the other day and it reminded me that I'm having a relationship with a grown up child which was quite depressing

[SweetCharlotte]

I refuse to validate when he is trying to make me take the blame for something I didn't do.

In his words, this is "not taking responsibility for having F'ed him."

He is F'ed sometimes; I didn't do it.

I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it (the 3 C's).

That means that we reach an impasse sometimes and I wait for him to calm down.