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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Healthier Thoughts  (Read 792 times)
PhoenixRising15
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164


« on: March 08, 2014, 03:23:46 PM »

Hi there everyone,

Wow, the past few weeks has been a roller coaster.  I have lingered about the board seeking out experience, strength, and hope from our community here, yet I couldn't muster the courage to post.

All the while, I have been doing some intensive core trauma therapy.  I have gotten to deeper insights and healthier places of thought than ever.  At the same time, these were some of my darkest days.

For instance, everyone talks about codependency and I never really "got it" until a few weeks ago.  You mean my emotions and self esteem don't have to be centered around someone's reaction to me? I don't have to "keep the family together" at any cost? Holy cannoli.  That was a big can of worms.

Today though for some reason was especially difficult.  I found myself unable to concentrate, and ruminating until I felt sick.  It was the same exact feeling I had for six months with Daisy.

Raw anxiety in my gut the entire time, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I have always wanted to take her back.  Even after all the cheating, lying, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.  I have struggled to understand this tendency for the past six months.  In my head and my heart, I feel this way, and at the same time, I felt sick thinking about both taking her back and rejecting her. It was like I couldn't do anything right, even after she was gone.

Today, I reached a healthier place.

It wasn't the cheating I couldn't handle, or the lying, or the drugs, or the abuse.  I respect the illness.  I respect the effects childhood trauma have on a person.  I had my own traumas and I have spent a long time unwinding their unhealthy effects from my behavior.

The absolute deal breaker for me was the indecisiveness.

If she wanted some time away, okay.  So close she's smothering me, okay.  Drugs? okay.  No drugs?  Okay.

Hating her "best friend"(s).  Okay.  Loving her best friends.  Okay. (Soft boundaries, anyone?)

I am a pretty accepting person.  I have walked many walks of life.  I have worked in many capacities, with the highest highs and the lowest lows in our society.  I get that situations are difficult and people make decisions the best they can at the time.  I respect it.  Been there.  Done that.

What I want for my wife, for my partner, what I value above all, is a strong and consistent sense of self.  Ironically, I told Daisy I always admired her for this in the beginning.  I think that must have freaked her out. Towards the end, she was different people every 30 seconds.  Literally.  Those conversations were terrible.

I think I was actually projecting my own strong sense of self on her in the beginning, and in the end she was desperately trying to figure out who she was... . who was this elusive woman that she looked for in the mirror every day and yet I saw walking around flesh and blood... . who was this person that was loved so much... . and in the process trampled over all my boundaries, clumsily, childishly, impossibly unmanipulatively manipulative.  Nonetheless, it was painful to watch her struggle.  Why couldn't she see what I saw?

I have a past, long and storied, and I am willing to share it all with those who desire to listen.  I am not ashamed of the things I have done, although for a long time I was.  It has all brought me to a higher spiritual place.

I could get through the lying, and the cheating, and the other abusive behaviors, if it was at least consistent.  I could work through them with her, forgive her, and be okay, as friends, or lovers.

I can only do that in partnership with someone who takes responsibility for their part.  Who looks outside of themself to see the other side of the argument and work on the issues together.  Someone who acts consistently.

I know what I am describing is essentially the core problem of someone with BPD.  I'm not here to argue about how I'm in the bargaining phase of depression, or that she hurt me and I should be angry.  I'm here to affirm myself, and validate myself that it is okay to want to be with someone who IS consistent, even if they are imperfect.  Shoot, especially if they are imperfect, as I realize I am.

That's not about her.  That's my choice.  That's where I plant my emotional stake in the ground and say, this is my turf.  That's my bottom line.  That's my value based boundary.  I value consistency, so I am consistent and I surround myself with other people that are.

That's enough of my ramblings for now. 

The knot is gone, and I can breathe again.

Have a happy Saturday.




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Allmessedup
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 300



« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2014, 07:21:20 PM »

Sounds like you have made a lot of progress! 

"I can only do that in partnership with someone who takes responsibility for their part.  Who looks outside of themself to see the other side of the argument and work on the issues together.  Someone who acts consistently."

This is a huge thing I have discovered for myself as well.  I honestly could forgive all the rest but the lack do responsibility and the inability to see the other side is what drove me to finally being done.

In my mind we all react differently, we all make mistakes. Those things can be forgiven.  But my feelings matter too, my opinion matters as well.  Her not being able to even see those things made me feel that I didn't matter... . and that is something I simply could not handle.

And I know that that is a result of her disorder, and won't ever change.  Goes a long way to helping me accept.

Thanks for posting... . You very eloquently described the conclusion I couldn't put words to!
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heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3589



« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2014, 01:51:15 PM »

Good for you, PhoenixRising15.  You know what you want and need in a partner, and are willing to set a boundary there.  That's a step toward a more fulfilling relationship.

I think your compassion for yourself and your ex is admirable.  Keep digging and mining that gold.  We all benefit from it. 
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
hergestridge
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760


« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2014, 02:47:21 PM »

Phoneixrising1, I don't normally post on the leaving board, but this struck on a chord with me. On of the things that I fear will be a dealbreaker for me and by BPDw is her unwillingness to discuss the 20 years that we have had together so far. For her, our relationship begins anew every morning. And her life begins anew every morning, as if she was a new person every day when she woke up.

Any references to our common past is met with either mild amusment (as if you've come up with some kind of weird joke) or as if you've brought up an awful secret from her past in order to hurt her.

I had conversations with her ten years ago when she said she wanted to lay the past behind her, which I kind of accepted. What I didn't understand what that she laid the past behind her every day.

This incosistency means that she doesn't write a personal history, she doesn't learn from experience, and she doesn't keep promises apart from the ones she feels strongly about herself. It's quite unlivable for the other person involved.

Does anyone recognize this really bizarre situation where you have a upsetting discussion with your BPD partner and you say:

"But we've had this discussion before!"

and you partner says

"I can't remember every conversation I have with you!"

When it's the kind of conversation you just can't forget having.

They remember the feeling inside their head very well. The five hour, break-up-inducing, tear-filled fight... . they forgot about it the next day.

Ever wonder why they forget about YOU a week after breaking up?

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gary seven
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 163



« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2014, 04:39:58 PM »

Hi there everyone,


Raw anxiety in my gut the entire time, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I respect the illness.  I respect the effects childhood trauma have on a person.  I had my own traumas and I have spent a long time unwinding their unhealthy effects from my behavior.

The absolute deal breaker for me was the indecisiveness.


What I want for my wife, for my partner, what I value above all, is a strong and consistent sense of self.  Ironically, I told Daisy I always admired her for this in the beginning.  I think that must have freaked her out. Towards the end, she was different people every 30 seconds.  Literally.  Those conversations were terrible.


I can only do that in partnership with someone who takes responsibility for their part.  Who looks outside of themself to see the other side of the argument and work on the issues together.  Someone who acts consistently.

I know what I am describing is essentially the core problem of someone with BPD.  I'm not here to argue about how I'm in the bargaining phase of depression, or that she hurt me and I should be angry.  I'm here to affirm myself, and validate myself that it is okay to want to be with someone who IS consistent, even if they are imperfect.  Shoot, especially if they are imperfect, as I realize I am.

That's not about her.  That's my choice.  That's where I plant my emotional stake in the ground and say, this is my turf.  That's my bottom line.  That's my value based boundary.  I value consistency, so I am consistent and I surround myself with other people that are.

That's enough of my ramblings for now. 

The knot is gone, and I can breathe again.

Have a happy Saturday.

PR:

I am going to file your post as follows:

Nail on head comma hit.

I aspire to commit myself to your achievements.

Guess it takes a lot of practice.  I'm still a neophyte.

G7
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