Heres the story...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all.  I'm relatively new to the boards, but it has been very helpful to me to be here as I have gained tons and tons of insight into what I have been living with for almost 30 years (across two marriages to s/o with BPD).  I have a story to tell - and at the end, I welcome any feedback and/or suggestions.  It is a sad tale (so get your tissues ready).

In trying to keep the backstory as concise as possible, I met my exwife and was blown away instantly.  We were young and overseas... . impulsive - but who isn't.  We got married really quickly and started pumping out kids.  Looking back on it the r/s was doomed from the "hello".  All the signs were there for it being a BPD r/s... . but what did I know.  Honestly, all the problems, initially, seemed like just normal interpersonal relationship stuff.  If only.

Fast forward a few years, we now have 3 daughters - and have recycled a number of times until finally I said I'm never going back and moved away a few states to start over.  Met a wonderful young lady and started to build my life again.  For the next four years my exwife systematically kept me away from my girls, wouldn't let me see them or talk to them on the phone... . even moved away for a year and I didn't know where they were.

When she finally popped back up and I was "allowed" to see them - when she brought them to me for a weekend visit even before they crossed the doorway I could tell there was something wrong.  Fast forward again... . my ex played a lot of games keeping me from them so I just hired an attorney and filed for custody.  I was done with her crap.

We "worked out" an arrangement between the two of us (but I still had an open case pending).  But at least I get to see my girls.  When my Christmas visit was coming the plan was for me to pick them up, have them stay a week or so... . then I would return them.  Just before Thanksgiving she called and asked if when I picked them up if I would like to keep them.  I said "uh... . yes".

of course, she didn't mean to have the custody case go forward for me to have custody, just... . you know... . and agreement (which was her way of saying I still want to retain the control so when I want them back I can come get them and mess everything up for my selfish pleasure... . but for right now, I don't want the snotty nosed brats cause I wanna go hump whomever and whenever I please).

So I picked up the kids, but still planned on keeping the case open.

Not a few weeks after being with me... . it was disclosed that the ex's boyfriend had been molesting my children.

And this is where things went from bad to worse (and I'm sure many of you know this part).

I was blamed for the disclosure as brainwashing so I could get custody of the children (even through the local child protective services, after their investigation was complete, determined it did happen).  The cops got involved, the courts got involved, I got my kids into therapy, had to go to court, testify, the kids had to testify... . I got totally grilled on the stand... . it was horrible.  But I did what I needed to do to protect my children.

I can't tell you all the hits I took - but I wouldn't stop.

I finally got custody - and then she spent the next 10 years not seeing the kids.  Of course, blaming me for staying away because I'm such a bad man.  And... . during all this time (up to and including now) she still doesn't believe the abuse happened.  Also, a lot of other stuff came out as well, such as in one of my absences during a recycle and we were split... . she filed a case with the local child protective services stating she think I molested the children.  After their investigation it was determined it never happened and that she only brought tht up as a means to keep me from seeing the children.  I never knew about it until I got custody of the girls and had to get their medical records and there was a blurb in one of the charts about the abuse alligaion.  Which meant I had to request copies of the reports, do FOIA paperwork, oh my god it was a nightmare.

So needless to say, I was a little stressed out.

Fast forward again... . my girls are grown and when their ongoing problems from their abusive childhood started to surface, I tried the best I could but I believe they started to slip into BPD (or some other PD), but since I was still unaware of what I know now... . it seemed like it was "normal" teen rebellion.  (but that part of the tale is for a different time and a different board).

Now my girls are, at least, grown and safe and (for all I know) they have been safe in my house until they were adults and are out on their own.

The entire experience was a nightmare.

*********

Yesterday I was at the movies to see Mr. Peabody and Sherman with my g/f.  It was an awesome movie.  As we walked into the theater to get to our seat I noticed a middle aged man sitting inbetween two kids (presumably he is the dad).  Daugher on his right, son on his left.

The girl couldn't have been more than 10.  stringy hair, not pulled up, tomboyish dress (pretty normal stuff you would think).  She was sitting in her seat with her right foot in the chair and her legs wide open and I noticed the dads hand resting on her inner thigh of her left leg.  Then I noticed he was caressing it much like I would do with my adult g/f in a loving manner... . but he was all up in thigh and every hair on my body stood up and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The daughter looked exactly like my child looked when I first saw her after all those years apart and I knew there was something wrong.  I kept finding myself staring through the darkend theather to see if his hand was going to go higher and I swear to God, Jesus, Budda and Joseph that if I saw that I was going to kill that man.

I did notice that during most of the movie he just couldn't keep his hand off of her in one way shape form or another - so I know my Spidey sense was tingling for a reason.  And during and after the show - I just couldn't shake the feeling.  It got worse and worse as the night went on and I finally just had a couple glasses of wine and tottled off to bed.

But prior to that - and again, thanks to being here on the boards - I realized... . although I did everything I needed to do for the safety and health of my children... . I never got any help for the trauma.

no one ever asked me how I was handling everything.

Like I said, for the most part, my children are fine.  As adults - well, that is a totally separate story - and something that I have to process and work through if there is anything I can do to support them at this point.

But my question is... . outside of going back to therapy for myself... . where do I go to deal with this trauma?

I'm POSTIVE I am not the only one who has gone through something like this.  Had I thought about it years ago (especially with the advent of the internet) I would have found this site ages ago and maybe the hell I've been through with my second wife could have been avoided... . or at least a name be put to it.

So I open and welcome any feedback or suggestions - maybe someone know of other support groups for things like this... . all I know is I can't and don't want to just "get the feelings under control" and try not to have it affect and ruin my day.

I don't know if that man is abusing that girl.  Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.  But to me... . all the signs were there (well signs I am very familiar with).  And I know and trust my feeling on this - because I was right the last time.  But... . unfortunately, I know I can't save everyone and I'm not trying to.

I'm just trying to save me this time.  (and it is about freaking time!)

Thanks

[woodsposse]

Hello all.  I'm relatively new to the boards, but it has been very helpful to me to be here as I have gained tons and tons of insight into what I have been living with for almost 30 years (across two marriages to s/o with BPD).  I have a story to tell - and at the end, I welcome any feedback and/or suggestions.  It is a sad tale (so get your tissues ready).

In trying to keep the backstory as concise as possible, I met my exwife and was blown away instantly.  We were young and overseas... . impulsive - but who isn't.  We got married really quickly and started pumping out kids.  Looking back on it the r/s was doomed from the "hello".  All the signs were there for it being a BPD r/s... . but what did I know.  Honestly, all the problems, initially, seemed like just normal interpersonal relationship stuff.  If only.

Fast forward a few years, we now have 3 daughters - and have recycled a number of times until finally I said I'm never going back and moved away a few states to start over.  Met a wonderful young lady and started to build my life again.  For the next four years my exwife systematically kept me away from my girls, wouldn't let me see them or talk to them on the phone... . even moved away for a year and I didn't know where they were.

When she finally popped back up and I was "allowed" to see them - when she brought them to me for a weekend visit even before they crossed the doorway I could tell there was something wrong.  Fast forward again... . my ex played a lot of games keeping me from them so I just hired an attorney and filed for custody.  I was done with her crap.

We "worked out" an arrangement between the two of us (but I still had an open case pending).  But at least I get to see my girls.  When my Christmas visit was coming the plan was for me to pick them up, have them stay a week or so... . then I would return them.  Just before Thanksgiving she called and asked if when I picked them up if I would like to keep them.  I said "uh... . yes".

of course, she didn't mean to have the custody case go forward for me to have custody, just... . you know... . and agreement (which was her way of saying I still want to retain the control so when I want them back I can come get them and mess everything up for my selfish pleasure... . but for right now, I don't want the snotty nosed brats cause I wanna go hump whomever and whenever I please).

So I picked up the kids, but still planned on keeping the case open.

Not a few weeks after being with me... . it was disclosed that the ex's boyfriend had been molesting my children.

And this is where things went from bad to worse (and I'm sure many of you know this part).

I was blamed for the disclosure as brainwashing so I could get custody of the children (even through the local child protective services, after their investigation was complete, determined it did happen).  The cops got involved, the courts got involved, I got my kids into therapy, had to go to court, testify, the kids had to testify... . I got totally grilled on the stand... . it was horrible.  But I did what I needed to do to protect my children.

I can't tell you all the hits I took - but I wouldn't stop.

I finally got custody - and then she spent the next 10 years not seeing the kids.  Of course, blaming me for staying away because I'm such a bad man.  And... . during all this time (up to and including now) she still doesn't believe the abuse happened.  Also, a lot of other stuff came out as well, such as in one of my absences during a recycle and we were split... . she filed a case with the local child protective services stating she think I molested the children.  After their investigation it was determined it never happened and that she only brought tht up as a means to keep me from seeing the children.  I never knew about it until I got custody of the girls and had to get their medical records and there was a blurb in one of the charts about the abuse alligaion.  Which meant I had to request copies of the reports, do FOIA paperwork, oh my god it was a nightmare.

So needless to say, I was a little stressed out.

Fast forward again... . my girls are grown and when their ongoing problems from their abusive childhood started to surface, I tried the best I could but I believe they started to slip into BPD (or some other PD), but since I was still unaware of what I know now... . it seemed like it was "normal" teen rebellion.  (but that part of the tale is for a different time and a different board).

Now my girls are, at least, grown and safe and (for all I know) they have been safe in my house until they were adults and are out on their own.

The entire experience was a nightmare.

*********

Yesterday I was at the movies to see Mr. Peabody and Sherman with my g/f.  It was an awesome movie.  As we walked into the theater to get to our seat I noticed a middle aged man sitting inbetween two kids (presumably he is the dad).  Daugher on his right, son on his left.

The girl couldn't have been more than 10.  stringy hair, not pulled up, tomboyish dress (pretty normal stuff you would think).  She was sitting in her seat with her right foot in the chair and her legs wide open and I noticed the dads hand resting on her inner thigh of her left leg.  Then I noticed he was caressing it much like I would do with my adult g/f in a loving manner... . but he was all up in thigh and every hair on my body stood up and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The daughter looked exactly like my child looked when I first saw her after all those years apart and I knew there was something wrong.  I kept finding myself staring through the darkend theather to see if his hand was going to go higher and I swear to God, Jesus, Budda and Joseph that if I saw that I was going to kill that man.

I did notice that during most of the movie he just couldn't keep his hand off of her in one way shape form or another - so I know my Spidey sense was tingling for a reason.  And during and after the show - I just couldn't shake the feeling.  It got worse and worse as the night went on and I finally just had a couple glasses of wine and tottled off to bed.

But prior to that - and again, thanks to being here on the boards - I realized... . although I did everything I needed to do for the safety and health of my children... . I never got any help for the trauma.

no one ever asked me how I was handling everything.

Like I said, for the most part, my children are fine.  As adults - well, that is a totally separate story - and something that I have to process and work through if there is anything I can do to support them at this point.

But my question is... . outside of going back to therapy for myself... . where do I go to deal with this trauma?

I'm POSTIVE I am not the only one who has gone through something like this.  Had I thought about it years ago (especially with the advent of the internet) I would have found this site ages ago and maybe the hell I've been through with my second wife could have been avoided... . or at least a name be put to it.

So I open and welcome any feedback or suggestions - maybe someone know of other support groups for things like this... . all I know is I can't and don't want to just "get the feelings under control" and try not to have it affect and ruin my day.

I don't know if that man is abusing that girl.  Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.  But to me... . all the signs were there (well signs I am very familiar with).  And I know and trust my feeling on this - because I was right the last time.  But... . unfortunately, I know I can't save everyone and I'm not trying to.

I'm just trying to save me this time.  (and it is about freaking time!)

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

So what you're asking is, are you hypervigilant?  Is it because you know a lot about the matter now and don't want to overreact, as in,'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. Well, it's understandable since you and your children lived through this ordeal in the past.

I'm thinking you really didn't get to enjoy the movie.  Sorry.  Looking back, you were caught off guard, so don't guilt yourself overmuch.  If you had been better prepared - "What should I do if... . " - you could have sought out a manager and asked him/her to sit in your seat and get an independent and perhaps more authoritative observation?

From what my ex told me about her youth with her abusive stepfather, it could very well have been indication of improper behavior.  Or perhaps not.  Hard to know with just one brief observation slice of a family.

So yes, some counseling surely could help, if only to help you deal with it - your actual inaction versus your opposite emotional overreaction later - and to become comfortable with the practical options available to you should something like this happen again.

[woodsposse]

So yes, some counseling surely could help, if only to help you deal with it - your actual inaction versus your opposite emotional overreaction later - and to become comfortable with the practical options available to you should something like this happen again.

Thank you.  That makes a lot of sense.

I think there is a disconnect between what I felt (and was unable to act on) - and how I felt about it later.  I don't know if it was an emotional over reaction, but as I read what you wrote, I think it makes sense to me that the feeling I was feeling was that of being powerless to have done anything.  Like my hands were tied and have no control over seeing something that could possible be highly innapropriate and not being able to do something.

This is a lot of how I felt in my marriage to my ex (diagnosed PD) as well as when I was a child growing up in a house with an undiagnosed mom (who eventually got diagnosed).

By the time I got my kids and they disclosed what happened - I sprung into action.  I knew there was something I needed to do and I did it.  I didn't even think twice about it.  I got taken care of (as best I could) as soon as I could.  I still feel that way now.  I'm so over protective of my children and loved ones... . but even people I don't know.

(that is to say when I see people bothering other people out in public I am motivated to step in because that is just wrong.  I guess I have always been like that).

You are right.  I was caught off guard.  I do have it in my toolbox to go and alert management to get an objective outside person to see if something is hinky.  But I was frozen - and although I did enjoy the movie... . I know I could have enjoyed it much better not being preoccupied mentally.

Thanks again.

But I guess, outside of counceling, I'm still looking for any support groups which may speak to this  -  as I'm sure there are a boatload of emotions and stress just floating around in my subconscious I haven't properly dealt with.

[Eodmava]

WoodsPosse,

Suggest you get in touch with RAINN and see if they can introduce you to some other "secondary survivors" of child sexual abuse.  Additionally, I recommend checking out the website Pandora's Aquarium.  There are a couple of forums on there for family members of the abused.  You might also look at "meetup" in your local area as they have sexual abuse survivors meetings fairly regularly. My life has some parallels although your situation appears much worse.  I can't watch law and order special victims unit anymore... . and finding forgiveness for my wife's father is going to take a lifetime of effort.

God bless,

Mava

[woodsposse]

WoodsPosse,

Suggest you get in touch with RAINN and see if they can introduce you to some other "secondary survivors" of child sexual abuse.  Additionally, I recommend checking out the website Pandora's Aquarium.  There are a couple of forums on there for family members of the abused.  You might also look at "meetup" in your local area as they have sexual abuse survivors meetings fairly regularly. My life has some parallels although your situation appears much worse.  I can't watch law and order special victims unit anymore... . and finding forgiveness for my wife's father is going to take a lifetime of effort.

God bless,

Mava

Thank you.  Very good resources to check out.  I do appreciate it.

What is odd is, I can watch SVU with no problem because I know it's "Fiction".  I can almost handle stories I hear in the news about stuff like this - because it doesn't involve me.  Don't get me wrong, I am still moved to want to do something but if it is removed from me it doesn't affect me that much.

But when I saw it sitting next to me - oh, my blood just boiled.

I just got off the phone with one of my daughters and relayed the story.  I could hear it in her voice before I even was done explaining that she also got tense (plus she knows her dad and how protective I am).  She then went into one of the overprotective stories she had about me as she was growing up.  We can laugh about it now but there was a time I was very nervous about letting them even go to the corner store by themselves... . I mean, the store was literally a half a block away. 

I know for sure they know I was there to protect them.  I'm comforted in that.  And, with all my bluster and posturing - I'm a big baby and simply love my kids.

Thanks again mava.