Do you believe people when they say they love you?

[MyNascence]

I am struggling with my marriage.  We've been together for 7 years now, and as we try to reconcile he is making an effort to make me feel more loved, so he tells me things like he misses me, and that it's me that he wants, or even that he loves me... . and every time he does, I mentally roll my eyes.  I don't believe him.  Not any of it.  Despite him being devoted to me for so many years and standing by me through my roughest time, but his words are empty and pointless and I hate them and they make me mad... . at least that's how I feel.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hi  

I might change the wording of your question, because I formulate it myself so often, CAN I believe someone when they say they love me?

In my world, in my case, I enable and "choose" people to befriend and caretake... . my messed up baggage between my upbringing/abusive FOO and my young marriage that was with another damaged baggage handler - what is healthy love?

Your brief description of this man - I'll say it like this with a sincere heart and open arms towards you... . he sounds like everything most of us are looking for. Reliable (mine was anything but for over 25 yrs), kind, loving, sturdy, devoted (god, to meet a man who demonstrates that) - he sounds like he puts love in action.

It might be, CAN you believe him? Is the short circuit on your end? if you have any family history like mine, you've been trained that the word "love" is cheap and is used almost as a weapon to distract and muddy the waters and is part of the abuse.

If he lives out his love for you, and you are battling being open to them because you anticipate being cheated and scammed like in your FOO history (if that's where you're coming from), then it is going to be hard to hear him say that and it is going to make you mad.

I guess his words would be pointless because they are rebuffed with the armor you've put on to stay safe. No one can fault you for that.

My armor is pulling back in my shell like a turtle. My house is my shell.

I'm glad you said how you feel. Best place to start.

If I get your screen name right, Nascense is about birth? rebirth?

You write more, I bet we can give you some ideas to open your heart up to him if that's what you are trying to do.

Broken hearts don't work like "normal" people's.

Who can blame us for being wary and fight or flight and hypervigilant?

I'll really enjoy hearing more of what you're trying to say.  

[Contradancer]

Well said, lucyhoneychurch. I know my sweetheart means it when he says he loves me, but I keep looking for the trap or bad joke that I expect to go with it. Neither come, so I'm relaxing a bit.

Wounded hearts are not like normal hearts--they're wounded. It's not easy to be gentle on one's self, while being both bold and vigilant in order to move forward.

MyNascence, I've been where you are now. Nothing could convince me he loved (or even mildly cared for) me. I've moved on, but now have to work to stay in a healthy relationship due to mistrust.

Best wishes.

[itsnotme]

Well said, lucyhoneychurch. I know my sweetheart means it when he says he loves me, but I keep looking for the trap or bad joke that I expect to go with it.

I feel the same. I was blessed with a wonderful husband, however I am waiting for the floor to drop out from under me. Either I'll find out he's cheating or I'll be served with divorce papers. It's very strange because it's been over 12 yrs and never had anything like that. I guess it's a defense mechanism?

[Sitara]

I find I consider love to be cheap. You say you love me? Well, you have to love me, I'm your wife. I think because I heard, "I love you, but I don't have to like you," from my mom so many times, I actually find I weigh liking me as higher. I think I consider liking as equaling accepting me for who I am because it is much more enjoying being around me than having to be around me.

[Pilpel]

I can understand why you don't like being told that you're loved.  We can all say whatever we want.  "I love you" -"I'm really smart" -"I like people" - "I always think about others first," "I never do things of out bad intentions" "I'm a really nice person" etc.  But what we do can often times contradict what we say.  Also saying things that sound good and promising can sometimes just be a vicious and manipulative way of gaslighting someone,  while actions tell a different story.  My husband tells me he loves me, and I believe him because I think his actions prove it.  But I get the distrust.  Growing up, my mom used to always say she would never do something to betray me again, etc. After first denying betraying me, she would apologize and promise never to do it again. Then she'd turn right around and betray me again.  And get defensive when I got upset about it again. 

[PleaseValidate]

I'm always questioning other people's motives about everything.

Until my exH, I most often thought about others: "I know you THINK you love me, but you really don't because you are [incapable, infatuated, in love w yourself, just want something from me, etc.]" 

[spemat]

My mom died but this is something I can relate to.  My mom was borderline and she was one that DBT did nothing for.  Actually, it kind of made her worse because she was able to seem more composed in her dysfunctional behavior.  Wow, it is good to know that I am not alone with this.