Convincing a partner with BPD to go to therapy

[kammatthana]

Hi everyone

How do you convince your partner to seek help for possible BPD?

My partner seems incapable of accepting responsibility for her wildly shifting thoughts and feelings and has a way of turning any advice or concerns about her behaviour back on the person trying to help her.

For example, last night she asked me what I disliked about her. I should have known better than to take the bait but I told her that one of the more difficult things is her inability to take responsibility for her actions, her thoughts, money, life etc... . Anyways, she twisted my words and accused me of not taking any responsibility for my life, and that any criticisms I had were projections of emotional  projections of my lack of responsibility onto her (whilst somehow at the same time criticising me for being too controlling and thinking too much about the future).

I was then firmly told that she neither wants nor cares about my opinions and that I should keep these to myself, and now am receiving the silent emotionally cut off 'I don't need anybody' treatment. Second time this has happened this week. And it's just getting worse and worse over the past five years I've been with her. Just about ready to give up.

This isn't so bad though. There are days where she tells me she feels anxious and so logically it isn't her anxiety but someone else's anxiety that needs to be fixed. Once she has ruled me out she'll be on the phone to family and sometimes friends to find out who is feeling anxious, so she can then blame and them and then help them overcome their 'anxiety' so she can feel better. Sometimes I feel she is living in a completely different reality from everyone else, and she trusts no-one enough to listen to any advice. Indeed, should anyone stand up for themselves against her behaviour, she uses her pseudo psychology knowledge to say they should stop blaming others for what they feel, even going so far as saying that people she pisses off have 'anger management problems'.

I don't know why I'm even trying to help her anymore and have just about given up. Anybody have similar experiences with a BPD? How did you deal with it, or did you just walk away?

Thanks

T

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[Surnia]

Hi kammathana

and welcome here!

Yes, a difficult question about what you disliked about her... . and like you said it yourself, its a bait, a thrown gauntlet. Its quite common, and it can happen that we fall into it.

In my experience once it happened its important not to argue, no explanations, you will not win this battle. You can however try to not go into it more.

More about it you will find in the LESSONS: Arguing - don't engage

This is a part of this workshop:

In the middle ages, that romantic time of knights in shining armor, men would challenge each other to fights by throwing their gauntlet (glove) on the ground. The person challenged then had the choice to either pick up the gauntlet - and therefore agree to battle - or walk away. The challenger would often throw in some juicy insults to help motivate the person challenged to agree to fight with them.

The interesting thing about that story, is that the person challenged had a choice in how they responded to that thrown gauntlet. It was very clear what the other person wanted - a fight (for whatever reason) - but it was also clear that the person challenged didn't have to fight unless they felt like it.

When a challenge is presented (the gauntlet is thrown down) - people who chose to fight do so for a few reasons: because they believe they can win, or to defend themselves or someone they care about. Our disordered loved ones present this option to us all the time. We are constantly having the gauntlet thrown at our feet. We just haven't learned to see it as such, therefore we weren't aware that we have a choice on whether we wish to pick it up or not.