F.O.G. is clearing

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been in denial about my situation. I've been trying to sympathize with someone who endangered our child. I went so far as to grovel to try and put back together my family. I'm done with it.

I've had to move in with my brother, who has had a lot of marital difficulties. I was hesitant to do this, but it was my best option to get ahead. The have had fights about every other day, and while I'm trying to keep my head down and out of their business, my brother's wife has dragged me in twice, both times expressing seemingly paranoid thoughts.

I have been doing nothing but working and reading recently. I hardly eat. I'm trying to keep my presence here as quiet as possible. It doesn't seem to matter, as I found out yesterday. In the morning my brother and her got into a fight before he left for work. She approached me two hours later, saying that I was breaking up their marriage, that I wasn't going to replace her, that she was going to leave with their children if I didn't leave. She went on about this for some time, as I tried very calmly to ask what I could do to make things easier in any way, as I was invited and there's no place else for me to go.

My brother had warned me last week that she was like this a couple of weeks out of the month, and that i should let him handle it. So, I sat here and tried to work as a familiar feeling of calm came over me. I had been handling things like this for many years, and it got me thinking about my first wife, and how I didn't admit that she was abusive towards me for a very long time. I had gotten to a point where i had to distance myself emotionally just to live with the constant threat of an irrational argument. This same feeling came over me, and i pondered just how much I had done this over the years.

If I had punched my wife in the face once every few years, then I would be an abuser. Since my wife has taken a wrecking ball to my life twice, replaced me twice, and done it all with no empathy at all, on top of endangering and neglecting our child, isn't this abuse too?

There it is then. She's abusive. She's been neglectful for years, and I've buried my head in the sand hoping it would all get better. I haven't had any intimacy in so long that I hardly remember what it was like, but I hoped it would get better. I worked to keep her balanced, and I got nothing but little episodes of guilting. I had more and more episodes of double depression (I have dysthymia) as time went on from feeling totally unwanted. Eventually, no matter what I did, there would come a catch 22. I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes. I made mistakes that would hurt normal people. But the retaliation for those mistakes was much worse than being punched in the mouth.

It's an excuse to follow that new life. New guy, cocaine, whatever it is, that's what she's chosen over me, and it seems she's chosen it over our son, who she visits 2 days out of the week, if that. All while I do everything I can to get closer.

I pined for her when we first broke up. I went so far as to gather every scrap of information on her childhood abusers that she gave me, found a video of the abuse online, and grabbed photos of the people involved from social networks, compiled all of the information and turned it over to the police. All of it because her mother did nothing when she was told about the abuse. Because I wanted her to feel strong, even if we were done.

I stood by her when we got back together as she revealed all of the abuse and neglect to her father, who knew nothing about any of it.

I can build no credit with this person. This person is broken. This person is an abuser. I'm done. I've made myself sick over the sunk cost, the enmeshment, the denial. I'm not doing this anymore. I can't. I have my son to think about.

[restoredsight]

I've been in denial about my situation. I've been trying to sympathize with someone who endangered our child. I went so far as to grovel to try and put back together my family. I'm done with it.

I've had to move in with my brother, who has had a lot of marital difficulties. I was hesitant to do this, but it was my best option to get ahead. The have had fights about every other day, and while I'm trying to keep my head down and out of their business, my brother's wife has dragged me in twice, both times expressing seemingly paranoid thoughts.

I have been doing nothing but working and reading recently. I hardly eat. I'm trying to keep my presence here as quiet as possible. It doesn't seem to matter, as I found out yesterday. In the morning my brother and her got into a fight before he left for work. She approached me two hours later, saying that I was breaking up their marriage, that I wasn't going to replace her, that she was going to leave with their children if I didn't leave. She went on about this for some time, as I tried very calmly to ask what I could do to make things easier in any way, as I was invited and there's no place else for me to go.

My brother had warned me last week that she was like this a couple of weeks out of the month, and that i should let him handle it. So, I sat here and tried to work as a familiar feeling of calm came over me. I had been handling things like this for many years, and it got me thinking about my first wife, and how I didn't admit that she was abusive towards me for a very long time. I had gotten to a point where i had to distance myself emotionally just to live with the constant threat of an irrational argument. This same feeling came over me, and i pondered just how much I had done this over the years.

If I had punched my wife in the face once every few years, then I would be an abuser. Since my wife has taken a wrecking ball to my life twice, replaced me twice, and done it all with no empathy at all, on top of endangering and neglecting our child, isn't this abuse too?

There it is then. She's abusive. She's been neglectful for years, and I've buried my head in the sand hoping it would all get better. I haven't had any intimacy in so long that I hardly remember what it was like, but I hoped it would get better. I worked to keep her balanced, and I got nothing but little episodes of guilting. I had more and more episodes of double depression (I have dysthymia) as time went on from feeling totally unwanted. Eventually, no matter what I did, there would come a catch 22. I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes. I made mistakes that would hurt normal people. But the retaliation for those mistakes was much worse than being punched in the mouth.

It's an excuse to follow that new life. New guy, cocaine, whatever it is, that's what she's chosen over me, and it seems she's chosen it over our son, who she visits 2 days out of the week, if that. All while I do everything I can to get closer.

I pined for her when we first broke up. I went so far as to gather every scrap of information on her childhood abusers that she gave me, found a video of the abuse online, and grabbed photos of the people involved from social networks, compiled all of the information and turned it over to the police. All of it because her mother did nothing when she was told about the abuse. Because I wanted her to feel strong, even if we were done.

I stood by her when we got back together as she revealed all of the abuse and neglect to her father, who knew nothing about any of it.

I can build no credit with this person. This person is broken. This person is an abuser. I'm done. I've made myself sick over the sunk cost, the enmeshment, the denial. I'm not doing this anymore. I can't. I have my son to think about.

[PuzzledMate]

I have nothing to say that hasn't been said but man, you nailed it.  Keep on keeping on.  Do it for you and your son.  Never ever do anything with her as your cause to heal.

You deserve happiness, love and affection.  Until that day comes that you do find those things in your life, be present for your son.  There are no greater rewards in the world than a child that can trust, love, hope and rely on someone in their life. 

Your story reminds me that we need nobody or nothing else to be what we want in life.  We all have it within us to do the right thing and that is great.  Be human, it's what we are good at.  We have evolved so much over time to equip ourselves to be ready for this society we live in.  It is a great time to be alive and use the resources we have.

Go for it man.  Be the best person, dad or whatever you want to be without her holding you back.

[Turkish]

I can build no credit with this person. This person is broken. This person is an abuser. I'm done. I've made myself sick over the sunk cost, the enmeshment, the denial. I'm not doing this anymore. I can't. I have my son to think about.

Good for you, chad_sketch, focus on what's important, but also take care of yourself the best you can. It sounds like your SIL may be a bit like your wife, no? You had empathy for your wife's past abuse, and this is normal, despite her behaviors. The sad thing is that abuse can become multi-generational. There is a saying here, "hurt people, hurt people." This is so true in the case of our pwBPD. Mine even said a variation of this aloud to me once: "I want everyone else to feel my pain." This thinking is so alien to me that years later, I still go over it in my head sometimes, attempting to comprehend the incomprehensible.

I really hope things work out for you and your living situation. Have you tried any of the communication tools here on your SIL in an attempt to reduce conflict?

[restoredsight]

Have you tried any of the communication tools here on your SIL in an attempt to reduce conflict?

Yes, I told her that I could see why she would worry about me replacing her in the family dynamic, and that I understand how difficult marriage could be, but that I just wanted to get out of here as soon as possible and have a life with my child.

It came out as natural as anything else I've done over the past few years.

To be clear, my first wife was a rager, and my current wife is a waif. My brother's wife is a lot like my first wife. It took me a while to figure out my first wife had this same problem. The first big fight we had (about two years in and after many times she snapped at me) was because I went to bed to read, waiting for her to come along. She came in and screamed at me for going to bed without her. It turned into a two hour argument where I couldn't convince her otherwise. That was just the first of many.

When I tried to leave my first wife, she went absolutely mad. Threatened me, screamed at me, begged me, and actually raped me one day. We were in the middle of an argument, and she jumped on me and started yelling, "Is this what you want?" over and over, as she wrestled me for my pants. She was so vicious that I was afraid that if I struggled with her any harder- I would have had to throw her off of me- I would hurt her. My body totally betrayed me when she started doing things, and all I did was lay still. Sex was the last thing i wanted.

She contacted an ex-boyfriend (from 15 years prior!) near the end of this mess, and suddenly she didn't care at all what I did. She moved halfway across the country. (Think on that the next time you get recycled folks)

My current wife and I have never had a fight. I can count on one hand how many times I've actually seen her angry, and two of these times she had split me black and left me. Even then, it was a quiet simmering beneath the surface thing, where I could see no love at all.

I think, besides the honeymoon and it's glut of sex and attention, the two seemed to have nothing in common at all, and that was what I was initially attracted to.

[heartandwhole]

chad_sketch,

Your post really touched me.  I can hear the sadness in it, and it's so understandable.  You have been through so much.  It definitely seems like the FOG is lifting, and there will be ups and downs all along the way, as you know.

I think your son is lucky to have a dad like you.  He needs a stable presence in his life, and you are that for him.  This is a great gift that he will remember forever.  Please be gentle with yourself and take good care of you, too.

What kind of support do you have chad?  How do you cope with the stress?

Keep posting and let us support you, too. 

[restoredsight]

What kind of support do you have chad?  How do you cope with the stress?

Keep posting and let us support you, too. 

I speak to a few friends from time to time, including my wife's sister. I talk to my brother. I don't have a T here yet, it's something I need to work on.

I don't feel very supported at all, but I'm building strength. I'm trying to re-frame things and radically accept things.

I think the thing that I'm having the most trouble with at the moment is the kind of care my son has. Am I paranoid about his two months of being there creating lasting damage? There's a host of reasons my wife is like she is, and one obvious component is upbringing. No physical abuse, as far as i can tell, but anger is a big no there, and when i visited, i got some bad vibes off MIL about this. Something she said about my child's sounds when he was "mad at her." This sent a chill through me for several reasons.

I'm still so shocked that my wife is leaving him there alone so much. She's always had such disdain for her mom's child-rearing.

[maxen]

hi chad. i've read back through your posts, especially those on the legal board, and i'm so terribly sorry for the pain you've been put through. i'm also happy to hear you're coming to a better understanding of what was done to you. there is a lesson for me in there, so thanks for posting it.

and i also was raped, by a previous gf. i actually said "i don't want to be doing this." i too would have had to throw her off me to prevent it and then i'd have been physically violent. quite a bind. you've come through alot. do keep reaching out, i'm glad to hear you've got some people to talk to.

[restoredsight]

hi chad. i've read back through your posts, especially those on the legal board, and i'm so terribly sorry for the pain you've been put through. i'm also happy to hear you're coming to a better understanding of what was done to you. there is a lesson for me in there, so thanks for posting it.

and i also was raped, by a previous gf. i actually said "i don't want to be doing this." i too would have had to throw her off me to prevent it and then i'd have been physically violent. quite a bind. you've come through alot. do keep reaching out, i'm glad to hear you've got some people to talk to.

I appreciate it. It's a weird situation to go through. I hadn't ever thought much about  woman on man sexual violence before that. I felt strange about the dynamics of sex for some time after it. It's gratifying to see someone else talk about it, as I honestly feel... . I don't know, silly? It was a horrible thing because of the way it was done, and how insane it was, but I've felt conflicted about it.

[Turkish]

hi chad. i've read back through your posts, especially those on the legal board, and i'm so terribly sorry for the pain you've been put through. i'm also happy to hear you're coming to a better understanding of what was done to you. there is a lesson for me in there, so thanks for posting it.

and i also was raped, by a previous gf. i actually said "i don't want to be doing this." i too would have had to throw her off me to prevent it and then i'd have been physically violent. quite a bind. you've come through alot. do keep reaching out, i'm glad to hear you've got some people to talk to.

I appreciate it. It's a weird situation to go through. I hadn't ever thought much about  woman on man sexual violence before that. I felt strange about the dynamics of sex for some time after it. It's gratifying to see someone else talk about it, as I honestly feel... . I don't know, silly? It was a horrible thing because of the way it was done, and how insane it was, but I've felt conflicted about it.

I wasn't raped like you guys, and I can't imagine how that must have felt. The only time mine ever smacked me was when I refused sex. I confronted her and she flat out refused to admit she had just hit me. I got the innocent, deer in the headlights look. It was weird. So we did it anyway, even though I didn't feel like doing it, especially not after that.

[maxen]

The only time mine ever smacked me was when I refused sex. I confronted her and she flat out refused to admit she had just hit me.

remarkable, isn't it? no matter what level of radical acceptance i ever achieve, how much understanding of BPD (or any other disorder) i ever attain, i will not be able really to absorb this sort of scenario.