understanding being abandoned by a BPD

[barbwire911]

So if people with BPD are so fearful of abandonment, then why is it they seem to be the ones to abandon their partner first? It seems contrary to what they fear.  If they fear being alone, why abandon someone?

I guess that is why most of them keep a "harem" of partners on hand so they can try to recycle if they get bored with one? But if they fear being abandoned, is it not easier to stay with the partner that had proven time and time again to remain and stand by them than find someone new and risk that person will see their true colors and just walk?

I am just curious as I read the BPD is in fear of abandon yet they get really close intensely right away and fall in love and then abandon us... . so how does that work?

[fromheeltoheal]

You're right, fear of abandonment, and specifically the abandonment depression that would follow, is the core of the disorder, abandonment doesn't mean the same to a borderline as it does to you and me however.  When a borderline attaches to someone, it's not in a equal partnership sense, it's in an unhealthy fusing of psyches sense, in that in a borderline's head there is no boundary between them and whom they attach to, a replaying of that earliest attachment with their mother, when they couldn't yet distinguish between "me" and "her", they were one person.  We are all born thinking that, and at some point we detach from the mother and become our own person with our own 'self'; a borderline never does that, so they spend their lives looking for attachments to stand in for the mother.  This is all subconscious mind you, they couldn't articulate it like that.

So it's not about being bored, it's about sensing that the partner will leave, or has already left emotionally, and attachments are life or death to a borderline, think about a baby who is entirely dependent on their mother for survival, and losing that means death.  It's not based on our reality mind you, it can be as simple as the honeymoon period ending and the partner settling into the relationship, normal behavior, but to a borderline that's a shift from the intensity and hyper-attention at the beginning, so they may perceive that the partner has already left, and it's time to find a new attachment.

Another motivation for other suitors is as a coping device, a means to soothe, a means to temporarily feel better.  That's where the impulsive behaviors show up, which could be drinking, drugs, spending, cutting, whatever, or could be promiscuous sex, which is not necessarily a psychological attachment, more of a physical escape.

That's standard borderline; see if any of it applies to your situation.

[NoCRV]

Hi Barbwire,

Their fear of abandonment may be real or perceived.  Some may leave the relationship before you have a chance to do to them.  It is a way of coping and taking control of the situation.  In a normal relationship love would give you sense of stability and growth.  In a BPD relationship your love may trigger sense of real or perceived abandonment.

BPDs do not attach or detach properly in a relationship.  I think it was in Skip's post which provided some insight to their thinking.  Monday was good, Tuesday was good, Wednesday was good but Friday was bad.  To us we look at the week and see a 180 degree turn by Friday but to them they are only thinking of Friday.  Sorry I am not sure how to quotes others on here so I just tried to summarize it for you.  They see the relationship different from a different point of view.  You may weigh out the whole relationship when they must just weigh that Friday of the relationship.  They have survived thus far so if a new person does see through them they will search for a new partner or may try to recycle an old one.

I think you should ask yourself, did it work?  I spent so much time trying to figure out my BPDex's thinking but it was only when I finally turned around to myself that I got answers.  I looked at myself to see why I stayed in toxic relationship for so long.  I looked into my Family of Origins (FOO) and saw patterns in my parents relationship that directly correlated with my past relationship with the ex.

Just my two cents.

[arn131arn]

I am glad you brought up the FOO issues NOCRV. I had an appointment with my P today to not take the place of our standard Friday visit but to go over his Psyche eval with me. I learned more about me today than I could ever imagine.

I am definitely a drunk, funny that used to embarrass me, like people around me were finding out something they didn't already know. But, the way my bond formed with my controlling/ domineering mother, who at 8 years old, I tried to save from my drunk dad. Many nights spent with a pillow in the backseat of her car trying to find him at a bar, taught me exactly how I should act when I had a family.

And since I had to be reminded by her of everything I needed to do, sometimes only minutes after telling me the first time, we'll that made me feel inadequate and NOT good enough to handle my problems on my own... . maybe not smart enough or mature enough?

So, I felt right at home, normalcy with my son' smother the past 14 yrs! Wow! Who would of thunk it!

No idea where to even go with that revelation today! But I don't have a PD, don't even need anti depressants! Need to find some time for me between working 60 hours a week, school full time, my son, and AA mtgs. It's hard to find time for me... . always has been.

[nownotsure]

Quite the paradox and an interesting question.

I just wanted to point out that someone with BPD, instead of becoming bored of a partner towards the end of a relationship, is more likely at the beginning to have idealized their partner to the point of placing them on a high pedestal.

The paradox to this is that as problems develop in the relationship, they begin to devalue their partner to the point where they start searching for someone else (even an ex) who will validate them and make them feel secure again.

It's all about maintaining a secure attachment.

[NoCRV]

My pleasure Arn.  It was the only way for me to make sense of this relationship.  I couldn't get answers from her but I could definitely look at my part.  My father would drink and fight with my mom when I was younger.  Nothing physical just verbal.  Sometimes she would fight back sometimes she be the caretaker.  What did I do when my ex went through drunken rage?  The same.  Someone with healthy boundaries may just remove themselves from the situation.  Just one sample I pulled from FOO.

It'snotme567, it doesn't sound like projection to me but it seems like push and pull and a need to isolate you from your family.  I will give you an example of projection my ex used.  The BPDex made a really mean comment to her mom as her mom walked by I saw the hurt in her eyes (still makes me sad to think about.)  Then a couple of days later she told me I am so mean to my Mom.  Before knowing about BPD and projection, I was just stunned at her thinking.  If she was projecting her relationship with her deceased parents onto you, you would see her actions being placed on you but it's BPD so who knows.

[barbwire911]

Ok I am kind of seeing how this works now. I guess I first broke up with my exBPD in 2013 08 and maybe it freaked him out. He was quite upset I know but the minute I agreed to give the relationship another shot, he was very nonchalent about it.  They change emotions and moods so fast. And since then it has just been a roller coaster which I am finally off now. Well I sent him a closure letter but I am still in silent treatment after a week so nothing back and I do not expect to get anything back given he has silent treatmented me in the past for 2 months and then just suddenly popped out of the blue saying he realized he had anger issues and got help, etc. All to begin all over again. He is in therapy but it is still so new and I have suggested BPD to him and he read about it and was like "that sounds like a horrid person... . I am not that!" So I left it alone but so far he has diagnosis of anxiety with OCD. Hopefully the therapist figures it out soon but who knows... . it is definitely BPD maybe even with NARC or BP in there.

So here is a question? So why when you write them a nice closure letter, if they are so afraid of you leaving, why do they not jump all over that at least trying to keep you around instead of silent treatment happening?

I am also looking at my FOO and my dad has alot to do with why I fell into this. I have a caretaker attitude which stems from my dad having BP and me always trying to "fix."  I always seem to put others needs before my own too even to my own self sacrifice as well as I am a people pleaser. I am told I have empathy off the charts; these are good qualities but I attract these ones with these disorders it seems.

[NoCRV]

So here is a question? So why when you write them a nice closure letter, if they are so afraid of you leaving, why do they not jump all over that at least trying to keep you around instead of silent treatment happening?

BPDs use what is referred to as Splitting.  Splitting is viewing things in black (all bad) and white (all good) thinking.

There is no grey where a person has done something bad but is good person overall, it's black or white.  If he doesn't jump on the opportunity to keep you around, it is possible he has you split black.

Good for you for looking into your FOO and understanding where the caretaker/Codependency stems from.  This past relationship has taught me more than any other relationship I have been in.  I have never been able to get answers from the other half but since I started looking inward, I have been able to see things more clearly.  Hope this helps.

[guitargrl]

This was always something I struggled to understand for so long too. My ex would be so

angry if I spent one hour with a friend (because I am "taking away our valuable time together" that he would then leave me and give me the silent treatment for a week…I was just so confused.  This happened over and over during the course of 3 years. I would not understand the abandonment thing because it seemed he was always abandoning me for just leading a normal healthy life.  Reading this board has helped me to understand the splitting thing so much and to be able to make more sense of it.  Crazy stuff thats for sure!

[Skip]

You're right, fear of abandonment, and specifically the abandonment depression that would follow... .

Yes.

It might help to look at this in terms of a persons life and how they grow and adapt.

Lets say you are burned in a fire as a child.  As you grow, the fear of fire is well ingrained, so you never have a fireplace, never have a gas stove, never go camping, avoid... .  

But you need fire (we all do) and you fear fire.  Life is a constant struggle of needing fire (to cook, for example) and fearing fire.

You live a life like this, adapting and molding yourself around this fear of fire.

So one day, you are visiting a friend and they have a lovely fire in the fireplace and you are enjoying the radiant glow and the smell, and suddenly a log shifts and falls onto the hearth.  You jump back - all the fears flare - you leave the party to get away from this dangerous thing.

When a person knows that rejection can send them into a suicidal valley, their self preservation kicks in and they do things to mitigate or protect themselves from taking that fall.

You can see some of this in members here.  They get burned badly in a "BPD type" and they start adopting protective measures - become emotionally unavailable, become hypercritical of new romantic interests and run the first time "a log shifts in the fireplace". 

Many here are going through an abandonment crisis ourselves.  We know how that feels.  The depth is just deeper for a person with BPD and their protective mechanisms more extreme.

Add in the impulsive nature of BPD, which in this area means how I feel about the relationship today is how good the relationship is (or isn't) and you can start to see how things start to "roller coaster".

[goldylamont]

i do feel abandonment is definitely at the core of most r/s issues with a pwBPD, however sometimes i feel like it is used in a one-size-fits-all way. i do think sometimes pwBPD can just get bored and leave. even after they love-bomb someone and may have had trust issues with them. with my ex i know vague details about several r/s she's been in. of the 4 i know about (1 before me, me and 2 afterwards), while abandonment played a part in all i'm sure, i think in 1 or 2 she just got bored or straight up was contemptuous of the guy so she'd start flirting with other guys right there in front of them to trigger a breakup. just because someone may suffer from BPD doesn't mean they never have r/s that they prefer to end first, maybe because they get bored or they meet someone else shinier to them (on top of all the devaluing they are doing anyway).

also i feel the dynamic changes when you recycle--sure abandonment issues are present and at the root. but it seems like the more you recycle the easier it is for the pwBPD to find a replacement, and/or string you along, simply b/c they feel like they can and they want to. at this point they've already been 'abandoned' by you anyways so they're less afraid and my feel like they could get you back anyways, plus they respect you less and other people that don't know their bad side are just more fun for them.

abandonment is the underlying theme, but sometimes i think boredom, contempt or the rush of feeling superior and in control can be the stronger motivation. depends on the situation.