Guilt Trips

[Depression = 72% of members]

I told my uBPDw that I was having NC for two days.

I have spent 5 weeks doing only empathising, sympathising and validation, and I am spent. Nothing comes back in return. Only hatred and selfishness and guilt trips in return. She has emptied my gas tank, again.

She has hit the roof. Guilt trips, manipulation, money grabbing.

I'm getting tired of all this nonsense, I really am!

[Moselle]

I told my uBPDw that I was having NC for two days.

I have spent 5 weeks doing only empathising, sympathising and validation, and I am spent. Nothing comes back in return. Only hatred and selfishness and guilt trips in return. She has emptied my gas tank, again.

She has hit the roof. Guilt trips, manipulation, money grabbing.

I'm getting tired of all this nonsense, I really am!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ritchie53]

Have you some background on your relationship? How long etc?

[Moselle]

Have you some background on your relationship? How long etc?

Hi Ritchie53, 14 years Married. Three children 13,9 and 4

Separated since 07 Jan 2014.

[MissyM]

Hey, Averyon.  I am separated, also.  The healthier I get, the more my dBPDh escalates.  This is just to be expected.  At this point, I am choosing not to be the emotional support for my husband.  Focusing on my own health, codependency recovery, working on my connection with my HP, and really finding happiness.  This is sending my dBPDh into a downward spiral, which I was told to expect.  This is leaving him to manage his own feelings of emptiness and misery.  Does your wife have a therapist?  Or anyone else for support?  How about you, do you have any support?

[maxsterling]

I don't think most pwBPD know other ways of getting their needs met except from manipulating others.  They don't understand they have control over their own lives.  I've had this laid on me pretty thick at times, but even in the relatively good times there's still at least one low-level guilt trip per day.  All those little comments about "feeling down today" or "feeling lonely" or the house being messy when she knows I have other things to do - guilt trips.  Or saturday morning when she wakes up and asks "what are WE going to do today?"  Same objective.  Or what about the  "you don't love me anymore" comments?  All of that is because she can't meet her emotional needs.  She's tried every way from Sunday to try and get me to marry her, but she doesn't understand this as manipulation.  She even told me once that she tried to get a man she loved to marry her by dating around with other men to make him jealous - and it sounds like she doesn't understand why that didn't work. 

With my GF at least, I think it is a learned behavior from having dysfunctional parents.  That's how she learned to get what she wanted in life.  I don't expect this behavior to ever stop, but I do think that if she learns to start satisfying her own emotional needs, the guilt tripping will diminish. 

[MissyM]

Oh, I agree.  My dBPDh doesn't know how to meet his own emotional needs.  He has a therapist, group therapy and 12 step group.  He refuses their help and suggestions, all the time.  I have been told in no uncertain terms not to fall for the hook, it is time for him to sink or swim.  It may take sinking really low for him to really reach for that help.  As long as I am buffering his feelings for him, he has no reason to figure out how to handle his own needs.  This does not mean I am being cruel, actually I am being very nice and pleasant.