NC and Possessions Collection & Smear Campaign

[falconfree28]

I've gone NC with with ex-BPD girlfriend after I broke it off four days ago.

We lived seperately from each other but had a few things in each others houses from when the other came round.

She wants them back, I personally would not like to engage her as she's got her housemate on-side about what kind of person I am (alleged, selfish etc etc I am)

My housemate has agreed to deliver the stuff to her doorstep tonight, while I wait nearby I'm not too bothered about my stuff, is this the correct course of action... . ?

The other thing that's started to rear it's head is a petty smear campaign, mainly routed in the fact I've implemented an NC rule, so far it hasn't worked in the community we are both close to, in fact the people who've been told have been sympathetic to the breakup but won't engage in putting me down, unless it's her closer-ish friends (although she's put them down in front of my face) or housemate - how do I deal with the smear?

I haven't stooped to that level and maintained the person I've been and laugh off a lot of comments when or if I do hear them.

Help and advice appreciated as always.

[seeking balance]

Hi Falcon,

My housemate has agreed to deliver the stuff to her doorstep tonight, while I wait nearby I'm not too bothered about my stuff, is this the correct course of action... . ?

It sounds wise, get the tactical handled by a 3rd party so it can be done.

how do I deal with the smear?

This is hard when you are in the middle of it - that is for sure.  It sounds like you have trusted friends who do know you and your truth - these are the folks to invest in.  The ones who believe your ex, eventually will see by how you act what the truth is - words are only words for the moment.

Hang in there,

SB

[Tausk]

Agreed with SB.  It sounds like a good way to deliver the stuff.  Keep away yourself, and absolutely do not end up alone with your ex.  It will not go well.  

So maybe if you housemate is ok with it, have him deliver the stuff alone, and then buy him dinner and a beer afterwards.  But you watch your alcohol intake, because drinking too much will only prolong your suffering.  

The smear campaign sucks.  It hurts to our core.  I tried so hard to help her.  I sacrificed so much. I gave so much, and permitted so much BS, that I totally lost myself in my ex.  And in a heartbeat, I was being proclaimed the most evil, abusive, controlling, difficult, unempathetic, argumentative, womanizing, jealous, Ahole that ever walked the planet.  She claimed that she stuck with me because of Stockhom Syndrome and that's why she cheated    

It made no sense.  And it took what I thought was best about me and turned it against me as a weapon.

So I understand your feelings.  Anger, confusion, sadness... . Try not take it personally.  It's the Disorder.  She has to paint you evil.  It's the only way her limited emotional capacity can process why you two are not together.  

So for me, when it was absolutely necessary, I interjected with people (such as my coworkers) and unemotionally explained my suspicions of BPD and asked that they do their best to reserve judgment and base their feelings on my long-term actions.

For the general public, mutual friends... . unless asked, I didn't say anything. When asked, I just said the above.  No emotions.  No attachment.  And over time, the people that mattered came to understand the truth of who I am.

Are you safe and OK otherwise?  Try not to act on impulse.  Anger, sadness... . it's very difficult.  A therapist helped me a lot.

Keep on the board.  Keep sharing.  Venting and know that other have gone through what you are processing now.  

Freedom is around the corner.

[barbwire911]

Yeah my exBPD was a co worker too and he is on a smear mission now too with me.  He always said he was so private, etc, but yet when I told him we had to go separate ways and his crazy ex messaged me on FB and called me all these names and saying he used me, was seeing someone else already, etc I got mad and said "well we are even as I used him back and you and I are both better off without him, etc."

Well he had told me in confidence about the fact he had slept with his ex's 17 year old cousin (he is 34) in his home recently and I am the only one that knew this. I was mad at what his ex sent me in the message and threatened to tell her that. I had no intention but I was mad but I admit it was still a dirty card to use and I should not have. So then he made up all these crazy stories to our boss (that I had people reporting to me at work on what he was doing, and that I harassed him by calling (i called him twice to try to talk rationally all to no avail) and wanted to file a formal complaint.  Anyways it did not fly and management told him and I to be professional at work and solve our own FB problems and personal issues off work. How embarrassing. Anyways I sent a nice closure letter apologizing for using that cousin card as it was not nice of me to do and I reassured him the secret would remain safe. Yet despite knowing his ex sent me nasty messages on FB as well as the fact he outright lied and embellished on things at work trying to smear me, he has remained in silent treatment mode and said nothing.  These relationships are so one sided so I have moments I miss him but I am getting better.

[maxen]

I sacrificed so much. I gave so much, and permitted so much BS, that I totally lost myself in my ex.  And in a heartbeat, I was being proclaimed the most evil, abusive, controlling, difficult, unempathetic, argumentative, womanizing, jealous, Ahole that ever walked the planet.  She claimed that she stuck with me because of Stockhom Syndrome and that's why she cheated    

It made no sense.  And it took what I thought was best about me and turned it against me as a weapon.

i'm sorry to hear that Tausk. something the same was done to me. the projections, the slanders, it's enraging, it's what lives on these many months later.

[falconfree28]

Some very insightful posts and it's good to know I'm not the only one.

My housemate decided that we'd do it together last night, I showed him the messages she was sending about myself and my exBPD did have a short exchange of words and I was made to look like the enemy but having him there (she's never liked my housemate) caught her off guard, although she was ultra nice to him while I was there, not sure fending her off with humor helped but at this point I was getting ready to drive off.

Her Possessions were returned, I got the money I was owed and a large majority of my possessions back.

As for the community we both share and the smear campaign, they've rallied round me or have wished her well but have not disowned me, although she's trying her hardest to try and push me out of it by going to the same places I do while I'm maintain NC, thankfully I'm being tipped off and changing last minute.

I start counselling again on Saturday and I want to move forward in dealing my own stuff, what's helped this is a very open discussion with both my parents about how I was raised, which has helped understand me and why I chose this relationship.

The most refreshing thing was I met up with another girl who's from our community and it was a real breathe of fresh air to have a "normal" conversation, about life and normal things not - lets talk about me for 30 minutes flat - at first it was a shock, but her warmth and compassion restored my faith in women everywhere.

To sum up I said this to my housemate on the drive back "One day I'll be married and I'm going to look at my new wife and say, at least it wasn't her, my new wife and I are going to raise great kids, have a great life and I'll drink to that"

... . I also wish no ill of my ex-BPD, yep I was mistreated and emotionally abused but you know what, I've taken a useful lesson away and process what I was given and use it to improve myself.

She texted this morning, wishing me luck, saying thanks for last night, that I should be "polite" and "talk to her" if we go to same things and told me she's deleting my number - I never replied and blocked her number - I'm sticking to my NC policy.

I suspect there's still a relationship grieving process to go through but I'm looking forward to seeing where the journey goes from here and wish you all well on yours, I'm going to stick around this forum has given me so much strength and positive energy... . so thank you.