Help Confused and unsure of what to do...

[newc1992]

Hi, I am have been looking for advice regarding my undiagnosed BPDexgf since our breakup two months ago and have so far found this site extremely helpful in aiding my recovery from this truly horrible ordeal in my life. I am new to the forum and I would really appreciate any advice which anyone can give me. If you do not wish to read my story then I would still appreciate any answers to the questions at the end of my post. Thank you in advance. So, here's my story:


My ex and I had a close relationship with one another. I genuinely felt as though I had met "the one", and she agreed. Our relationship only lasted 3 months but I was her second serious relationship, and we talked a lot of the future together. We had many plans which we were looking forward to, and had met each other's parents (she talked about how much her dad liked me, in particular). She has had countless "boyfriends" before me, but these were all short "flings" and never progressed into anything serious. I am one of only two boyfriends to have met her parents and stayed in their house. Her only serious relationship before me was with her ex boyfriend of 18 months who cheated on her numerous times and who she continually went back to, despite him making her miserable (she is the first to admit that he made her miserable). He ended their relationship, though she kept going back to him. He was painted black by her until around a month into our relationship, when she met him for coffee. She met him 3 times during our relationship, saying she wanted to be civil with him and that there was some unresolved "issues" between them. Whilst I wasn't happy about her seeing her ex, she proved to me that he has a new girlfriend who she claimed is a "much better match than she ever was", and mutual friends would often say that I should trust her because she clearly did love me. She exhibited abnormal behaviour throughout our relationship, the usual fear of abandonment (although at this stage I didn't know about BPD so no red flags were raised). She would get jealous of other girls (even though she remained in contact with her ex) and tried to turn me against some of my closest friends. She would force me to come home if I went out for drinks with friends or would tag along, telling our mutual friends that I had "forced" her to come out with me. If I had to attend events, work or university, where she couldn't come with me, then she would text me incessantly, often saying how much she missed me, loved me, etc. Despite all of this, I really did love her and everything was going great in our relationship until I travelled to Spain (where she lives) to visit her and her family for New Year (at her request - originally I hadn't wanted to go due to the costs involved but this upset her)... .

When I visited her in Spain she became distant with me almost overnight. She was not herself and claimed that she was stressed and that she needed to be given "space". After a small argument, five days into the holiday, she broke up with me, saying that she needed to be "on her own for a while" to give herself some time and space to "sort herself out". She had become disconnected from most of her friends and isn't doing well at uni - she has a very small circle of friends and all of our mutual friends currently hate her too (she blames a lot of her problems on me because we spent so much time together). Yet she never asked for space from me, and when I tried to go out on my own she would make an excuse to get upset and guilt-trip me into staying in with her. She said that she still loved me and that we could remain friends but that she couldn't be in a relationship right now... .

At this point I never knew about her BPD tendencies, so I believed everything she had said, and though it was hard, I agreed that it was the right thing to do. Initially I tried to win her back and she complained when I got upset about our breakup, claiming that I was immature and clingy, yet I'm sure that I was only reacting how anyone else would react in that situation. I only acted "clingy" because, whilst I believed her motives for breaking up, I felt it was unnecessary to end the relationship if she really did love me as much as she said. I guess I only wanted validation from her and closure so that I could move on (I understand now that I will never get that from her), but she already seemed to have moved on in her life so quickly. Later, she rang me a few days after the breakup drunk (the day she returned to the UK from Spain), saying she loved me and missed me, and ended up staying the night at mine. We then spent a few days together as friends (nothing else happened), and everything was civil between us.

She rang me a few days later to ask for her old phone back. Upon giving it to her she was complaining that I "still wasn't over her and had to let go". She was angry and I confronted her on what I had seen on her phone. She became volatile, claiming that her privacy had been violated. I also said some pretty mean things via text (that she wouldn't be happy if she continued to sabotage every relationship and friendship she has). After this I was blocked on Facebook and didn't here from her until a couple of weeks later when she text me asking if we could meet up so she could get her remaining belongings from my house. I agreed to meet her the following week, but she hasn't texted me since. I am unsure why she would so urgently request her belongings back from me and then not ask me for them. Was she simply hoping that I would contact her so that she could ignore me? I have since been painted black by her and blocked on Twitter, 6 weeks after our relationship ended.

My friends said that they saw her out in town with "friends" and she was desperately searching for a new boyfriend, going home in a taxi with a guy she met in the club that night. I'm unable to find out much about her life but have reasons to believe she is actively seeking my replacement, from what friends have seen on her Facebook, etc.

Based on your experiences, there are a few things which I would like to ask:

- Why did she text me asking for me to give her some belongings, even though I was painted black and she evidently has no desire to ever retrieve them?

- Once I am painted black, in your opinions, do you believe that she will ever paint me white again?

- Will she ever come back to me (right now I still want her back but I know that it's not for the best in the long-term).

- It's her birthday next week. Should I text her wishing her a happy birthday? How will she take this? I do not expect a response.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this, and for your advice. I really do appreciate any help which people can offer on here as 2 months later and I am still hurting from the horrible pain which this relationship has caused me. I am so thankful to have found a place where so many individuals have been through the same levels torment and pain.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[In_n_Out]

This is my personal opinion so take it for what it's worth, but I had known then what I know now about my dBPDgf when we had our first breakup at around 3 months, I would of gone through that brief heartbreak and moved on.  That is easier said than done though, I know.  I'm 4 years in to my r/s now and we are in an awkward state of triangulation at the moment and I'm swimming in a pool of co-dependency.  That said, I will answer your questions using my personal experience:

- Why did she text me asking for me to give her some belongings, even though I was painted black and she evidently has no desire to ever retrieve them?

Could be that she really wants those things back and nothing more.  More likely, she wants to keep the connection with you open as a backup plan. 

- Once I am painted black, in your opinions, do you believe that she will ever paint me white again?

I've been painted black a couple of times, blocked on all forms of communication and hadn't heard from mine in a month (this last time) when she found a way to get a handwritten note to me asking how I was doing.  That has led us to where we are now.  She's broken up with my replacement but has him dangling along (she still talks to him) and we've seen each other every night for the past two weeks and it's been pure bliss (idolization) during this time.  However I know the eventual will happen and she will recycle with my replacement and I will once again be crushed.  But like a drug addiction, I know that the drug will eventually kill me but I can't help but getting a hit every chance that I get.

- Will she ever come back to me (right now I still want her back but I know that it's not for the best in the long-term).

See response above.  She could but you would be her 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) choice.  What has brought me back in to the idolization phase is my gathering knowledge about BPD.  I have read three books on it and read every article here and on as many websites as I could find.  I have spoken to my therapist about it as well.  I validate her emotions and try to minimize the shame that she feels inside of her and it has caught her off-guard.  She told me just last night that this change in MY behavior has made her the happiest that she's been in many, many years.  That said, my replacement is sucked in to the fold and he's going through the first breakup of their r/s and so I know exactly what he's going through - the same thing that you are.  The intense r/s and how you feel that she's your "soulmate" and that if you could only understand her better.  Oh how I know what you're going through!

- It's her birthday next week. Should I text her wishing her a happy birthday? How will she take this? I do not expect a response.

During the recycle before the one that we are in now, we had a brief idolization period and I was so happy with the way things were going that I sent her flowers for her birthday.  This despite her being fully involved with my replacement at the time.  She didn't send a reply or thank you of any type because "we had agreed" that we shouldn't contact each other at the time so that she could sort through things first.  I was so hurt by her lack of response that I sent an invalidating text and that led to me being painted black for 30 days (that prior to the recycle that we are in now).  Sure, send a little "happy birthday" text.  I've learned with my gf that long winded texts will go mostly unread as they don't have the attention span and if they sense a "downer" mood in the text, they will just stop reading it.  So keep it brief and keep YOUR emotions out of it; they don't matter to her.  Having been in only a 3 mos r/s with her, no doubt you haven't spent her birthday together yet so I was going to suggest that you bring HER emotions in to it by saying something like "remember last years birthday how we... . (good memory)".  So, if you can relate another event that you know that she has happy memories of, that would help (I say "help", you're really hurting yourself in the long run, but take that for what it's worth).  Again, brief "happy birthday <name>.  I hope that today is as special as that time that we <happy event>".  And that's it.

My advice - if you REALLY feel that you want to try and make things happen with this person, LEARN about BPD and then re-evaluate that decision.  It is not easy.  The intense idolization period is like heaven but the headache, heartache and constant drama and "walking on eggshells" will drive you absolutely bat-crazy.