Morning With The uBPDx

[Depression = 72% of members]

She asked me last night if it was ok if she showed up at the dentist with S4 and me. Technically, it is her parenting time and day again, but he is on my insurance. I told her it was ok.

I got there early, as I always do (which always drove her nuts, to we were usually late to functions due to her... . and then I would get raged on about it). In she walked, all prim and pretty. She was talking and being nice to me. I found it hard to look her in the eyes, but I did eventually. We talked about our seperate co-parenting experiences. I felt myself looking at her and saying, "what did I do, and I know what I did wrong, to throw away a nice woman and my family like this? Now someone else gets this pretty creature."

Then I started remembering the past. How it was like this for a week or so until some unseen trigger. Or the depressions. Or the Queen controlling behaviors and male/father devaluations. Or the desperate attempts of her to connect intimately while I was still mad at her due to the way she treated me. And then thought, no... . she is projecting a decent person now, but I know who she really is underneath.

I then thought about her boy-toy, and envisioned him doing what I did... . researching dentists because the first one was terrible (this one was way better, and was $1K cheaper, and said some work the other recommended was flat-out wrong and unecessary). The BT running a household, getting up at 6AM to take care of babies, running finances, educating himself on how to live as an adult and leader of a household, advancing in a career, and thought: no, he's a BOY. She will try to integrate him more into her life as she needs the desperate attachment near all of the time, as she did with me and the others before me, but at some point, it won't work. I'll never be replaced as a father, because he flat out isn't capable of it, even if now he is acting like he wants to be to gain approval of her and feed his narc tendencies as a "good person."

So I am pleased with myself that I shut down the conversation I wanted to have with her about introducing the kids to him after only 6 weeks as "mommy's friend." In her mind, she's been with the guy for 6 months, but the lack of empathy, once again, means she just can't see or feel what the kids do. At some point they will figure things out and put the puzzle together if they last a while with this guy. And then she will have to deal with their hurt. And so will I. But for now, I am confidant, quiet, alert, and watching... .

[Turkish]

She asked me last night if it was ok if she showed up at the dentist with S4 and me. Technically, it is her parenting time and day again, but he is on my insurance. I told her it was ok.

I got there early, as I always do (which always drove her nuts, to we were usually late to functions due to her... . and then I would get raged on about it). In she walked, all prim and pretty. She was talking and being nice to me. I found it hard to look her in the eyes, but I did eventually. We talked about our seperate co-parenting experiences. I felt myself looking at her and saying, "what did I do, and I know what I did wrong, to throw away a nice woman and my family like this? Now someone else gets this pretty creature."

Then I started remembering the past. How it was like this for a week or so until some unseen trigger. Or the depressions. Or the Queen controlling behaviors and male/father devaluations. Or the desperate attempts of her to connect intimately while I was still mad at her due to the way she treated me. And then thought, no... . she is projecting a decent person now, but I know who she really is underneath.

I then thought about her boy-toy, and envisioned him doing what I did... . researching dentists because the first one was terrible (this one was way better, and was $1K cheaper, and said some work the other recommended was flat-out wrong and unecessary). The BT running a household, getting up at 6AM to take care of babies, running finances, educating himself on how to live as an adult and leader of a household, advancing in a career, and thought: no, he's a BOY. She will try to integrate him more into her life as she needs the desperate attachment near all of the time, as she did with me and the others before me, but at some point, it won't work. I'll never be replaced as a father, because he flat out isn't capable of it, even if now he is acting like he wants to be to gain approval of her and feed his narc tendencies as a "good person."

So I am pleased with myself that I shut down the conversation I wanted to have with her about introducing the kids to him after only 6 weeks as "mommy's friend." In her mind, she's been with the guy for 6 months, but the lack of empathy, once again, means she just can't see or feel what the kids do. At some point they will figure things out and put the puzzle together if they last a while with this guy. And then she will have to deal with their hurt. And so will I. But for now, I am confidant, quiet, alert, and watching... .

[Tausk]

Hey T:

Wow.  Hang in there.  I don't know if I could ever have endured an encounter like that.  But you have courage and motivation and meaning.

And congrats on the you're ability to find mindfulness in the moment, and detach, and not create unnecessary internal or external destruction.   It's clear evidence of the recovery and growth that you are living. 

Thanks for sharing.

Oh, and be aware of the emotions today.  I'd be triggered to the hilt and bouncing off satellites right now if I were you.   

[Turkish]

Hey T:

Wow.  Hang in there.  I don't know if I could ever have endured an encounter like that.  But you have courage and motivation and meaning.

And congrats on the you're ability to find mindfulness in the moment, and detach, and not create unnecessary internal or external destruction.   It's clear evidence of the recovery and growth that you are living.  

Thanks for sharing.

Oh, and be aware of the emotions today.  I'd be triggered to the hilt and bouncing off satellites right now if I were you.  

Sometimes I  don't know if I  am like she said I was,  emotionless and uncommunicative.  Or if I  just have control of my emotions.  The dentist was talking about the treatment plan and at one point said, " your wife... . " I  kept staring at the dentist. I  saw her turn her head towards me,  expecting a reaction. I  was  Spock.  No, I  was  Sarek.  No external emotional reaction,  not even a raised eyebrow.  To Heck with her, I  won't give her an ounce of validation about my emotional state,  nor will I  make a  joke of the situation,  which she did a few times with me in the house.  No. Noo! Khaaaaaannn! ( her name actually rhymes with  Khan :^)

[Tausk]

Hey T:

Wow.  Hang in there.  I don't know if I could ever have endured an encounter like that.  But you have courage and motivation and meaning.

And congrats on the you're ability to find mindfulness in the moment, and detach, and not create unnecessary internal or external destruction.   It's clear evidence of the recovery and growth that you are living.  

Thanks for sharing.

Oh, and be aware of the emotions today.  I'd be triggered to the hilt and bouncing off satellites right now if I were you.  

Sometimes I  don't know if I  am like she said I was,  emotionless and uncommunicative.  Or if I  just have control of my emotions.  The dentist was talking about the treatment plan and at one point said, " your wife... . " I  kept staring at the dentist. I  saw her turn her head towards me,  expecting a reaction. I  was  Spock.  No, I  was  Sarek.  No external emotional reaction,  not even a raised eyebrow.  To Heck with her, I  won't give her an ounce of validation about my emotional state,  nor will I  make a  joke of the situation,  which she did a few times with me in the house.  No. Noo! Khaaaaaannn! ( her name actually rhymes with  Khan :^)

hehehehe:  Vulcan Humor?  Oxymoron like Jumbo Shrimp 

Although Sarek did marry for love... . highly illogical.

I try and depersonalize anything that was said to me in the past.  Millions of things were said in order to elicit responses and it was always no win.  My ex once said to me, "My therapist said that I was bad for me to be with someone like you who was emotionally distant." 

And then when I was emotional... . all hell broke loose.   

Neutral, non escalating interactions.  Good for you.  Hang in there. Push ups and sit ups can't hurt right now.

[LettingGo14]

Good work Turkish.   You need to give yourself some credit for doing this visit for the kids.  

I'd ask you to consider letting go of the labels of "uncommunicative" and "emotionless."   You are, as evidenced by your posts here, very communicative and emotional.   Don't internalize the smears -- those things were likely said to shame and blame you.

You own your story now.  Not her.

[letmeout]

Yay Turkish! I am proud of you. I think most people need to become emotionless and uncommunicative to save our sanity around a BPD person. You are very strong emotionally now, so keep up the good work!

A few months ago I quit associating with a couple of old friends for constantly disrespecting me.  I never could have done that when I was living with my BPDex (because of his treatment of me) I didn't have enough respect for myself to stand up to people who talked down to me. 

Now I know what behaviors from others are OK and what behaviors are not!

We learn... . we grow... .

[Turkish]

You own your story now.  Not her.

Thanks, LG14. Nice summation. Powerful words for all of us.

Tausk: actually beer and a big burrito later on. I went the the gym earlier...

[arn131arn]

Turk, I really envy you right now. I never in my life wanted a broken family, but IF I had to have one, I would want it to be amicable. Like the way my mom and dad had before he died. Dignity, respect, and grace.

Those are characteristics you are showing right now through all of this. I do wish my son's mother could/would act a little like yours, so maybe I could have that "broken family" option B. But she and my replacement are hellbent on destroying me, and I talked with u a little about it last night in private. But for my own safety, future and success, I have to turn my back on her for good. I can never let my guard down with her, ya know.

I started thinking about maybe she's NPD! Because her need to destroy. Then after talking with u about mirroring behaviors, I've realized she's probably what I thought she was at first but just mirroring her NPD millionaire boyfriend. Anyway, it makes me sad that my life has come to taking the third or fourth option in a broken family plan, but it brings me hope that one day I can stand on my own. Hope breeds happiness.

So, no matter how hard it is, I would keep the communication with her, it shows a great deal of grace in what you dealt with today, bro!