Why do BPD people get married if they like to move from person to person?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just wondering how in the hell any BPD person can get married if their pattern is to abandon and come back and recycle and find replacements, etc.  I know mine (from what he said) dated his ex wife for 5 years and they lived together but there was some long distance time in there also as she lived in another city. Then they got married and it was good for 1.5 years (from what he says) and he started cheating religiously with various women (he had 5 women between that 1.5 and the 5 years they were married, one being his ex's 17 year old cousin!). He also admitted to "fooling around only once" on his ex wife while they were dating but nothing else.

So it seems like he did not do this recycle and reuse thing too much... . not like he does now anyways.  It seemed it started being a pattern about 1.5 years into their marriage which he stated was so dysfunctional (I met the ex and she is also very dysfunctional and likely a BP or BPD individual).

Anyways I would be curious to hear what others think.

[barbwire911]

Just wondering how in the hell any BPD person can get married if their pattern is to abandon and come back and recycle and find replacements, etc.  I know mine (from what he said) dated his ex wife for 5 years and they lived together but there was some long distance time in there also as she lived in another city. Then they got married and it was good for 1.5 years (from what he says) and he started cheating religiously with various women (he had 5 women between that 1.5 and the 5 years they were married, one being his ex's 17 year old cousin!). He also admitted to "fooling around only once" on his ex wife while they were dating but nothing else.

So it seems like he did not do this recycle and reuse thing too much... . not like he does now anyways.  It seemed it started being a pattern about 1.5 years into their marriage which he stated was so dysfunctional (I met the ex and she is also very dysfunctional and likely a BP or BPD individual).

Anyways I would be curious to hear what others think.

[Perfidy]

Barbwire, I honestly believe people with BPD operate on an imaginary level. Their fears seem to be more perceived than real. The fear of abandonment was a real fear as an infant. As an adult the fear of abandonment isn't a valid fear. Fear of abandonment to a functioning adult is an imaginary fear of death. Powerful stuff.

[Want2know]

BPD is a disorder.  Their thoughts and feelings are disordered.  There is nothing imaginary about it.  

I don't believe the intention behind wanting to be married is disingenuous.  The problem lies, within this disorder, in their ability to choose a partner wisely and to maintain a balanced relationship.

[woodsposse]

Just wondering how in the hell any BPD person can get married if their pattern is to abandon and come back and recycle and find replacements, etc.  I know mine (from what he said) dated his ex wife for 5 years and they lived together but there was some long distance time in there also as she lived in another city. Then they got married and it was good for 1.5 years (from what he says) and he started cheating religiously with various women (he had 5 women between that 1.5 and the 5 years they were married, one being his ex's 17 year old cousin!). He also admitted to "fooling around only once" on his ex wife while they were dating but nothing else.

So it seems like he did not do this recycle and reuse thing too much... . not like he does now anyways.  It seemed it started being a pattern about 1.5 years into their marriage which he stated was so dysfunctional (I met the ex and she is also very dysfunctional and likely a BP or BPD individual).

Anyways I would be curious to hear what others think.

I can't speak to what his issues are (I don't know him), but it sounds to me that the recycle you are referring to happened inside of the union (thus he slept around a lot).  That, in and of itself is horrid.

As for the ex, and I'm sure a lot of other folks will tell you the same, living with someone who has the disorder we tend to pick up some of the same traits - so looks can be a bit deceiving.

One of the earmarks of the disorder is a lack of emotional connections... . a "if you get too close, I'll push you away... . then be upset that you are away".

Why do they get married... . it is part of the disorder.  I you do some additional reading you will see that a lot of them get married and the "problems" really start to reveal in the r/s more after the union.  In other words, once they have you - the heat can turn up really hot.

For me, having married two such women I know first hand what that heat is like.  (of course I didn't know the had the disorder when I met them nor did I know about it until recently).  But everything they did and everything we did in our marriage I have heard others say almost the exact same things happened with them almost word for word.

Now I'm at a point where I'm focusing on me and healing myself and making it possible to actually live life the way I was meant to.  Don't get me wrong, when things were good between me and my wife of almost 20 years... . it was awesome.  The highs were really high.  The middle ground was pretty okay too.  But the lows were terrible and devasting.

Luckily I have been with my new G/F for the last 18 months and it has been a very stable relationsip and has give me the breathing room I needed to not only enjoy a stable relationship, come to terms with my failed marriage, and come to terms with what and who I am which allowed me to stay in such a roller coaster spot.

I say I don't like chaos, but then why would I stay in that?  Well, it is complex and not just a simple answer of "this thing happened and upset me so I'm out the door".  I finally came to some understandings of things in me which helped allow this... . and I'm coming to terms with it.

So I'm not so much concerned about why she did things the way she did anymore.  I'm focused on me... . my healing... . my happiness.

It's a process and a journey - and I'm actually quite enjoying it.

[itsnotme567]

In my case I think she truly believed That It would Be different than her past marriages

[guitargrl]

My ex would always say he wanted to get married when he was happy, then the next week break up.  Over and over and over…... Im not sure how anyone gets it together long enough to make it to the alter…

[ScotisGone74]

To answer your question-I ll ask you a question.   What is the fastest way to form an instant bond with a normal non BPD person?     Marriage is the logical answer.    Marriage also gives them all the other things they need or want in order to continue carrying out their 'fairy tale life'- like access to your finances  free day care for any kids a constant person to be used as a Triangulation dummy with others.    In addition to all this a married partner can't just leave when the BPD decides to crank up the nutty dial several notches- the married partner usually tries to reconcile their BPD and then has to go to court and deal with seperating all their assets if there's any left-and the whole divorce and child custody battle can take quite a while.   

Its difficult for many people who have a limited knowledge of BPD to understand why someone who wants nothing more than a whore or jigilo would get married but when you study the disorder and the abandonment issues with it you will see why.

[HealingForMe]

Fortunately my BPD r/s didnt get as far as marriage, but only a few months after getting engaged things started to worsen, so I think woods posse has a point that once they perceive they "have us reeled in", they let their guard down & their behaviour gets worse.

In her case, marriage is part of a fairy tale romance with her white knight who rescues her from her misery. Unfortunately white knights dont exist, we are all real people with real feelings & real emotions & real needs. We live in the real world, whereas pwBPD dont.

As far as abandonment goes, that is what a pwBPD fears most. It was real as a child & (to them) just as real as an adult... . perception is reality to that individual! As they try to hold on tighter, their behaviour pushes us away. Eventually we decide that we wont put up with their treatment of us anymore & we leave, reinforcing their perception that they always "knew" we were going to leave. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy, destined to continue over & over again. But I'm sure in their mind, each time its "he/she is THE one, my knight in shining armour"

[2010]

Why do BPD people get married if they like to move from person to person?

They don't "like" to do that at all. They are not Narcissists nor are they taking any pleasure from the movement away from their attachments. They try their best but may end relationships prematurely, because this is about mistrust. They take no pleasure from the failure of trust. Given their life histories, it makes sense that they act this way and behave in that manner due to their earliest insecure attachments where trust was not afforded them, and they did what they could to survive. The same can be said for many people in childhood, but differences in personality can make a huge difference in how people overcome mistrust, neglect and abuse as small children.

Most of the early neglect or mistrust Borderlines suffered from created maladaptive coping mechanisms to offset their fear. These coping mechanisms prevent either their perception of engulfment or fears of abandonment, hence the swinging pendulum of push and pull that moves the disorder back and forth and creates chaos in their interpersonal relationships. It's all about mistrust and the lack of object constancy. This relationship outcome is no different than the isolation and emotional deprivation and mistrust that they felt as children. This creates a thinking that they may deserve this because they are defective and bad, and having some anger about that helps them project that bad outward on to new stand-ins for the original trauma or they internalize it with intra-psychic stuck points that keep them in a continuous loop of PTSD in their minds. Over time, the overwhelming anxiety about relationships becomes a detached avoidance. Some people call this the "hermit."

Their partner may also have some early maladaptive traits that get triggered by the disorder.

Each person is doing what they know best, but each is distracted by the other's maladaptive coping mechanism because they fit together like puzzle pieces. In this case, one referring to a PTSD stuck point and utilizing avoidance (retreat) from the partner, while the partner is trying to maintain control and diminish or minimize the PTSD. Unfortunately, this is exactly what the earliest attachment did - minimizing the childhood trauma. It all comes down to a perceived lack of trust about being understood. In my opinion, the person who suffers from control issues has the greater hurdle to surpass in the aftermath of this because what once worked becomes obviously broken and the injury to identity is severe.

If you're going to change, then something different has to be done. Letting go of the person who left you is a way to start.  

[ScotisGone74]

Each Bpd and situation is different but from what I've witnessed the reason that a BPD hops from relationship to relationship and overlapping them doesn't have anything to do with 'mistrust' but rather their fear of and inability to tolerate intimacy.      They enjoy the fairytale of marriage and a big wedding a ring and all that but when the dust settles and its just them and their partner living an everyday life in a loving relationship they can't tolerate it and either hit the road or turn up the crazy dial to max.    Personally I believe they do like hopping from marriage to marriage or relationship to relationship or otherwise they wouldn't do it or would accept help.      As far as both people in the relationship having maladaptive coping mechanisms that is purely opinion only but honestly have no trouble believing that someone who would stay in a relationship with one of these people definitely is going to have some issues if they didn't already

[woodsposse]

What is the fastest way to form an instant bond with a normal non BPD person?

Marriage is the logical answer. 

Marriage also gives them all the other things they need or want in order to continue carrying out their "fairy tale life" - like access to your finances free day care for any kids a constant person to be used as a Triangulation dummy with others.

In addition to all this a married partner can't just leave when the BPD decides to crank up the nutty dial several notches - the married partner usually tries to reconcile their BPD and then has to go to court and deal with seperating all their assets if there's any left-and the whole divorce and child custody battle can take quite a while.   

Oh... . My... . GOD - this was my life.  Almost to the letter.  With my first marriage and my second.

The only difference is, in my first marriage - I freely admit - I didn't know what I was dealing with, got angry (A LOT) ... . and sought out some attention from female friends.  It wasn't like I wanted to have an affair, but there were things going on in that union (or weren't) and I just naturally drifted towards some other comfort.

And the anger and frustration - oh man I can still feel it today.

Back then, I just thought it was "normal" relationship stuff.  We eventually broke up (after 3 kids)... . well, once after 2 kids... . got back together, got preggers, and popped out a third - and that is when the fun really began.

Oh man was that a rough ride.

Long story short - midway through that roller coaster, I was able to get custody of my kids and kept her brand of crazy as far away as possible. 

Little did I know, I turned around and married another one.  Oh my second wife bonded with the kids so hard (and for all intents and purposes was a great mother).  But, her BPD problems kicked into high gear and destroyed everything.

Lost the house, had no money, no car... . luckily her and I didn't have bio-kid together so that part of the split would be easier. 

She tried to recycle me into her Triangulation, I didn't bite (much).  I did allow some talk of love and reconciliation (who wouldn't after nearly 20 years together), but I wasn't putting my life on hold any longer and continued on with my therapy and seeing my new S/o (oh she hated hated hated that!)

Anyway, one of the replaements really stepped into it and got her pregnant.  They just had their babies (twins)... . and he is in DEEP!  I'm positive he has no idea what he just stepped into.

she doesn't work, of course, cause day care is too expensive for babies and twins.  So she gets to sit at home all day with the babies - and her cell phone, and computer and I know EXACTLY what she is doing.  I know she is on-line with her "friends"  (wink wink)... . and setting up her peeps on the side, they will argue, she will act like she is trying to make things work, all while starting to paint him black (and me blacker because if it wsn't for me... . she wouldn't be in the mess she is in cause I was such a bad husband for her to want to leave me).

Oh man.  In the bigger scheme of things, I really did dodge that bullet by not having kids with her.

[LettingGo14]

In my opinion, the person who suffers from control issues has the greater hurdle to surpass in the aftermath of this because what once worked becomes obviously broken and the injury to identity is severe.

This point is an excellent starting place for those of us recovering from a failed relationship.  My inability to "fix" the relationship ultimately left me devastated.  When I go back to my FOO, I realize that my mother, who had great difficulty regulating her emotions, relied on me [as a child] to soothe her.  This, of course, is not an appropriate role for a child.  And, until my failed BPD relationship, I did not realize how much I "needed" to "fix" things.

My recovery started when I found this community, realized I was not alone, and turned the inquiry toward myself.   The only areas I can control are within me.   I spent too long thinking I could "save" her, and then too long thinking I should change "me" for her sake, and then too long wondering why "I" had disappeared (after the abandonment).

It's a process, and it works best when we look in the mirror.   Thanks 2010 for the insight.  

[woodsposse]

If you're going to change, then something different has to be done. Letting go of the person who left you is a way to start.  

Once I came here and really dug in and learned about the disorder and circled back to myself and dug in deep about me and my FOO... . I had to confront my mother on my childhood now that I fully understand what actually happened.  My mother was horrible growing up and hasn't really changed much since then (she is diagnosed PD, as well).

One last insult in her actions towards me recently pushed everything into the light - and I had to release her (literally and metaphorically).

I can't continue to have the traumas from my childhood invade my present... . it just keeps popping up when I least expect it - or, in this case, anytime my mother opens her mouth.  So I finally did, as an adult, what I couldn't do as a child.

I left.

[Skip]

Some very insightful comments in the thread.  The main points are well covered.

Just wondering how in the hell any BPD person can get married if their pattern is to abandon and come back and recycle and find replacements, etc.  I know mine (from what he said) dated his ex wife for 5 years and they lived together but there was some long distance time in there also as she lived in another city. Then they got married and it was good for 1.5 years (from what he says) and he started cheating religiously with various women (he had 5 women between that 1.5 and the 5 years they were married, one being his ex's 17 year old cousin!). He also admitted to "fooling around only once" on his ex wife while they were dating but nothing else.

Re: Why do BPD people get married if they like to move from person to person?

Just to add a fine point... .

In this description, the person is not moving from person to person, he's having multiple affairs within a marriage and very risky affairs at that (legally under age, close family member).

There are elements of extreme hyersexuality in this story.  Some might call this sex addiction although recent neurological studies suggest that sex addiction is more about high desire and the lack of discipline to keep it in check than a mental disorder (like alcoholism).

Not all people with BPD or BPD traits are hyersexual.  

Not all hyersexual people are BPD.  We have a number of high profile cases in the media this last year.

[Dutched]

I would like to add another point to this title.

I haven’t experienced that a BPD only is capable to stay short in a r/s. So moves from one to another, only  capable of “short” relationships.

I also haven’t experienced a replacement was already lined up.

A lot of their behaviour depends on their level of functioning and the “dynamics” within the r/s.

Don’t understand me wrong, it is not to offend, just to add a point of view.

[woodsposse]

I would like to add another point to this title.

I haven’t experienced that a BPD only is capable to stay short in a r/s. So moves from one to another, only  capable of “short” relationships.

I also haven’t experienced a replacement was already lined up.

A lot of their behaviour depends on their level of functioning and the “dynamics” within the r/s.

Don’t understand me wrong, it is not to offend, just to add a point of view.

I don't think anyone would be offended - that is part of the spectrum. 

In my case, the "replacement" wasn't set up to be a long term thing - just someone to have when they needed a Triangulation.  In my marriage, that happened in secret - she wasn't ready to jump ship yet... . I was still paying for everything (mostly) - and we had the kids she could bond with.  Once both those started to change (economy dipped and the kids grew up), she started to ramp up the pace, lined up replacements in the pipeline... . and now she's gone.

I'm pretty positive she is miserable.  But, she snagged someone to give her babies - and now that poor man is me.  The pure hell he will go through will start to become clear soon enough (if he hasn't already seen it).  I'm just glad I don't have to be around it any longer.