Heartless monstrous breakup

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

She left me. It was sudden, swift, hours after we were normal and talking about fixing our relationship. Claimed she hasn't been in love with me, even though I had been telling her if she didn't feel the same, fine, just don't string me along and have me work to fix something you're done with. It was always reassurances, lies, forevers, I love you so much... . To this. I had a feeling she was shopping replacements, I got scared, tried to do anything to avoid this end. I had absolutely no idea it would be her that would become an utter monster. How could I ever believe anything she told me if she could just flip a switch like that?

I put so much work into the relationship, let it consume so much of my time, let it stress me during times when I had exams and the like to focus on... . It was all a waste. And I garauntee you she hasn't learned one god damn thing. Normal people use relationships as a learning experience. They use them as a never ending cycle of victim play and manipulation. But that doesn't make this hurt any less. In fact, it hurts more. I'm sick with the thought of her and her new life, completely carefree, emotionally oblivious, someone I used to supposedly mean so much to... . I wish I never met her. I'm deep in the throes of post break up pain, and the lack of closure and her attitude about the whole thing just sickens me. I have no idea how to make the hurting stop. I don't think she's going to come back for any recycles. At the moment, I feel a very real hatred toward her, BPD, her lies (looking back on my relationship feels like watching the freaking Truman show), the work and stress and time I put in all to avoid this... .

[MissTajo]

I am so sorry that you are in pain.

Every breakup hurts. A lot! It consumes us.

You will mourn, and cry and suffer and then you will see that you are free to be yourself, to love again someday and to live your life.

Be brave, be strong. We are here for you.

[Paul M]

Hi there

I'm sorry you feel so down

I'm a month nc after a very similar split with my ex. She's not diagnosed but after some if the things she disclosed to me, the way it ended I was searching for answers and found BPD. I believe she's has strong traits.

My r/a was similar only a few months in length yet after one argument a couple days later she rang me saying it essentially working etc wanting to meet. I knew I could if met her and probly patched things up for a while, but instead to avoid further pain I cut if the phone and told her never to contact me again.

It hurt. It still hurts. Some days more than others.

I know iv done the right thing fur myself long term.

My ex was all over me but she essentially possessive like some BPD and I don't think she's the cheating type. Although I suspect she will move on quickly to forget me.

It's amazing how these r/s hurt you so much. Iv never experience anything like it before. It makes you untrusting of other women, you start questioning yourself! At the end of the day my ex is dead to me not literally but gone from my life. I thought I'd found the one. Obviously not.even if she paint me white and came back it would never be the same again although on down days you just want that phone to ring!

Has my ex got a new man I don't know and have no way of finding out. Maybe she has maybe she ain't. It's hard to accept but unless you want to be a crazy ex stalking and not letting go you really have no choice. It's a fact of life.

All I can say is stay strong. There are lots of us like you. You deserve somebody who is emotionally available and will not break your heart. You can have that with somebody else and she will be a distant memory a learning curve if you like.

It's hard to think like that right now but you have to. Think if your family your friends the people that rely on you to be strong and draw strength from them.

Can you imagine a few yrs down the line if she's moved on with her life and is settled ( even though it's unlikely) and you have messed yours up loathing over a relationship that she ruined. And stamped on your heart and left you to rot.

F her these women are the devil in disguise I'm telling ya they need help but you are not there superman and even if you was they'd hate you or it.

Be strong keep reading and posting and remember she did this not you

[guitargrl]

So sorry you are hurting. 

[restoredsight]

I'm sick with the thought of her and her new life, completely carefree, emotionally oblivious, someone I used to supposedly mean so much to... . I wish I never met her. I'm deep in the throes of post break up pain, and the lack of closure and her attitude about the whole thing just sickens me. I have no idea how to make the hurting stop. I don't think she's going to come back for any recycles.

I'm not in any position to say anything to anyone about recycling, as I've participated in my fair share, but you putting those two sentences together in that way makes me think you are connecting the two in your mind.

Would you feel better if she came back? Absolutely. Would it last? Will you have to endure this twice? Five times? Ten? Will you spend your whole life in an extended relationship with someone who discards you like an emotional goldfish, always swimming towards the next shiny thing? Is that something you can accept?

I'm not trying to be harsh. These are questions I've asked myself many times recently. Just ask yourself how much abuse you can put up with. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I have let my compassion and love for a person drown out that that being discarded in this manner is abuse. It's helped me.

In either case, be kind to yourself. You aren't at fault. Her replacing you is not because you are faulty.

She's in a boat with many many holes, and she invites people in to help bail her water out, each one carrying their own bucket. You can't work fast enough to stop the boat from leaking, so she kicks you overboard and pulls in the next person with a bucket. The problem isn't that you didn't work hard enough to bail the water. The problem is that she doesn't even try to patch her boat.

What I'm asking myself: Why do I  even have a bucket? Who handed it to me? Why am I in someone else's boat? Why not build/patch my own?

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

I'm sick with the thought of her and her new life, completely carefree, emotionally oblivious, someone I used to supposedly mean so much to... . I wish I never met her. I'm deep in the throes of post break up pain, and the lack of closure and her attitude about the whole thing just sickens me. I have no idea how to make the hurting stop. I don't think she's going to come back for any recycles.

I'm not in any position to say anything to anyone about recycling, as I've participated in my fair share, but you putting those two sentences together in that way makes me think you are connecting the two in your mind.

Would you feel better if she came back? Absolutely. Would it last? Will you have to endure this twice? Five times? Ten? Will you spend your whole life in an extended relationship with someone who discards you like an emotional goldfish, always swimming towards the next shiny thing? Is that something you can accept?

I'm not trying to be harsh. These are questions I've asked myself many times recently. Just ask yourself how much abuse you can put up with. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I have let my compassion and love for a person drown out that that being discarded in this manner is abuse. It's helped me.

In either case, be kind to yourself. You aren't at fault. Her replacing you is not because you are faulty.

She's in a boat with many many holes, and she invites people in to help bail her water out, each one carrying their own bucket. You can't work fast enough to stop the boat from leaking, so she kicks you overboard and pulls in the next person with a bucket. The problem isn't that you didn't work hard enough to bail the water. The problem is that she doesn't even try to patch her boat.

What I'm asking myself: Why do I  even have a bucket? Who handed it to me? Why am I in someone else's boat? Why not build/patch my own?

Your boat analogy really hit the nail on the head, I've been essentially complaining of the same thing since things started getting bad, how can you punish me for working so hard when you wont do anything in your own life to help? Its amazing how similar experiences can be across the board. I often felt like I was going insane.

It might make me feel better if she came back, meaning, if she realized she made a huuuge mistake and wanted to fix it. But that doesnt mean I would take her back. It would just give me some... . i dont know... . closure, I guess, everything feels completely unfinished, my "test" was whisked away while I was still writing it. I dont think anything about it was fair. Its ironic how they have such bad abandonment problems... . then manipulate their partners into forming those same fears by fostering bad relationship habits, then abandoning us!

I feel I have high emotional intelligence, im able to pull out and articulate why i feel what, and see connections, and I know that kind of skill is pointless when trying to deal with or analyze this type of relationship. So Im only trying to cope by thinking about it and analyzing and figuring and probably making it worse since it wont work in this situation. None of that makes it any easier or hurt any less though

[restoredsight]

I dont think anything about it was fair. Its ironic how they have such bad abandonment problems... . then manipulate their partners into forming those same fears by fostering bad relationship habits, then abandoning us!

It's terribly unfair. That's why it hurts so much. I think some of use often start carrying the sadness of two people instead of just ourselves. I am trying hard myself not to think about my wife's life as being a pointless and horrible merry-go-round. It's not my business really. It probably never should have been.

[fromheeltoheal]

I could have written your post, know exactly what it feels like, and I'm sorry you're going through that.  And also typing to let you know it gets better and you will not only survive, you will thrive.

BPD is a serious mental illness, and it will take a while to untangle all that happens when we're enmeshed with it.  That can actually be the good news as the pain provides the motivation to dig deep and discover things about ourselves that needed a little focus.  You probably don't want to hear that right now, but know that incredible growth is available to you as you detach.

Speaking of detaching, anger is a very good thing.  My anger gave me the energy and drive to bail from the relationship, and I honestly think it saved my life.  It may not feel like it, but anger is a step forward in detaching, with more to follow.  The important thing is to feel it all the way, don't stuff it, but also don't do anything you'll regret later.

Borderlines have an unstable sense of self, so it would be very common for her to show up one day as if nothing happened between you and want to continue with the dysfunction.  You need to be very strong at times like that, so prepare yourself.  Take care of you!

[Ironmanrises]

She left me. It was sudden, swift, hours after we were normal and talking about fixing our relationship. Claimed she hasn't been in love with me, even though I had been telling her if she didn't feel the same, fine, just don't string me along and have me work to fix something you're done with. It was always reassurances, lies, forevers, I love you so much... . To this. I had a feeling she was shopping replacements, I got scared, tried to do anything to avoid this end. I had absolutely no idea it would be her that would become an utter monster. How could I ever believe anything she told me if she could just flip a switch like that?

I put so much work into the relationship, let it consume so much of my time, let it stress me during times when I had exams and the like to focus on... . It was all a waste. And I garauntee you she hasn't learned one god damn thing. Normal people use relationships as a learning experience. They use them as a never ending cycle of victim play and manipulation. But that doesn't make this hurt any less. In fact, it hurts more. I'm sick with the thought of her and her new life, completely carefree, emotionally oblivious, someone I used to supposedly mean so much to... . I wish I never met her. I'm deep in the throes of post break up pain, and the lack of closure and her attitude about the whole thing just sickens me. I have no idea how to make the hurting stop. I don't think she's going to come back for any recycles. At the moment, I feel a very real hatred toward her, BPD, her lies (looking back on my relationship feels like watching the freaking Truman show), the work and stress and time I put in all to avoid this... .

If she indeed has BPD, and you read the accounts on here, you will see one horrific pattern. Recycles are commonplace. It is part of the disorder. No different with mine.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

I could have written your post, know exactly what it feels like, and I'm sorry you're going through that.  And also typing to let you know it gets better and you will not only survive, you will thrive.

BPD is a serious mental illness, and it will take a while to untangle all that happens when we're enmeshed with it.  That can actually be the good news as the pain provides the motivation to dig deep and discover things about ourselves that needed a little focus.  You probably don't want to hear that right now, but know that incredible growth is available to you as you detach.

Speaking of detaching, anger is a very good thing.  My anger gave me the energy and drive to bail from the relationship, and I honestly think it saved my life.  It may not feel like it, but anger is a step forward in detaching, with more to follow.  The important thing is to feel it all the way, don't stuff it, but also don't do anything you'll regret later.

Borderlines have an unstable sense of self, so it would be very common for her to show up one day as if nothing happened between you and want to continue with the dysfunction.  You need to be very strong at times like that, so prepare yourself.  Take care of you!

Im very open to emotional growth and I do enjoy the after effects of a break up, where you better yourself and all that. From reading on here, I look forward to that day when I feel Im thriving instead of surviving. Its funny you mention anger. I've been feeling an anger recently, or I yearn for physical outburst, I want to break things/punch things (and Im never like that! Im a reasonable girl). I was hoping to translate some of the anger into working out. Im not eating very much during emotional times like this, might as well tone up. I'm pretty confident about my ability to move through the grief cycle to its extents, i just hate doing it. Im using weed to self medicate, Im aware, but I spend most of my time sober (and crying). The weed helps me kind of take a step back and feel a little more hopeful about the future. It also helps me eat a bit when normally I would go all day without, and helps me get to sleep. I usually just smoke at night but Ill have to keep an eye on that. I plan on keeping myself busy with house projects that would make my home prettier, while occupying my mind.

Nothing seems to help me in the moment though, I keep searching for something but nothing replaces the feelings you've lost when you're stuck in a crying jag.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

She left me. It was sudden, swift, hours after we were normal and talking about fixing our relationship. Claimed she hasn't been in love with me, even though I had been telling her if she didn't feel the same, fine, just don't string me along and have me work to fix something you're done with. It was always reassurances, lies, forevers, I love you so much... . To this. I had a feeling she was shopping replacements, I got scared, tried to do anything to avoid this end. I had absolutely no idea it would be her that would become an utter monster. How could I ever believe anything she told me if she could just flip a switch like that?

I put so much work into the relationship, let it consume so much of my time, let it stress me during times when I had exams and the like to focus on... . It was all a waste. And I garauntee you she hasn't learned one god damn thing. Normal people use relationships as a learning experience. They use them as a never ending cycle of victim play and manipulation. But that doesn't make this hurt any less. In fact, it hurts more. I'm sick with the thought of her and her new life, completely carefree, emotionally oblivious, someone I used to supposedly mean so much to... . I wish I never met her. I'm deep in the throes of post break up pain, and the lack of closure and her attitude about the whole thing just sickens me. I have no idea how to make the hurting stop. I don't think she's going to come back for any recycles. At the moment, I feel a very real hatred toward her, BPD, her lies (looking back on my relationship feels like watching the freaking Truman show), the work and stress and time I put in all to avoid this... .

If she indeed has BPD, and you read the accounts on here, you will see one horrific pattern. Recycles are commonplace. It is part of the disorder. No different with mine.

I saw the patterns, I even talked to her about what I saw, I literally told her exactly how a BPD break up would go down, how she would find it so easy and be so remorse-less, she disagreed with me and told me how she wanted us to break the pattern etc etc etc lies lies lies. Im worried about recycles honestly. I dont know if Im strong enough to do whats best for me. Im kinda hoping (or not hoping... . ) that shes the type to paint me black and not look back, only using her story with me to reference to her future lovers about how horrible I was.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was hoping to translate some of the anger into working out. Im not eating very much during emotional times like this, might as well tone up. I'm pretty confident about my ability to move through the grief cycle to its extents, i just hate doing it. Im using weed to self medicate, Im aware, but I spend most of my time sober (and crying). The weed helps me kind of take a step back and feel a little more hopeful about the future. It also helps me eat a bit when normally I would go all day without, and helps me get to sleep. I usually just smoke at night but Ill have to keep an eye on that. I plan on keeping myself busy with house projects that would make my home prettier, while occupying my mind.

I understand; alcohol was my drug of choice for a while, I knew at the time that I was using it to avoid and numb the emotions I didn't want to deal with, and I know what you mean about intoxicants allowing us a different perspective on things, an outside looking in stance, which can be beneficial.  But the emotions showed up during the sober times anyway, as it should be, and I know that if I'd stayed sober throughout I might have gone through the stages of grief more quickly, but fck it, we do the best we can.  Eating and exercise are good coping tools, and making your house a home will make you feel better too.

[arn131arn]

Damn bro, you could have written that for me not long ago! I know the pain hurts. The unbearable feeling of worthlessness. But trust me when I tell you, the pain WILL beat you into a state of reasonableness. I want to tell you a few things that I do to be content on a daily basis, semi happy: I surround myself on a daily basis with family and friends who truly love me, the good and the bad. They love me so much that they don't enable me, they tell me to do something about my pain. So I study, go to the gym, go to work and be a good employee and father.

I take a shower... . EVERY day. You would be surprised how slipping into depression will let us forget to take care of ourselves.

I bought new sneakers and hit the gym, it releases feel good chemicals and I'm starting to look like a million bucks, even though sometimes I don't feel that way.

I see a P every week and I made a commitment to him to not get into a relationship for a year.  Commitments hold me accountable. Accountability holds me responsible. Responsibility gives me my self-respect back.

I stay busy, and when I don't have work or school or my son, I am trying to do as much service work in my community as I can. Giving my time with no expectation of anything in return gives me a self-esteem back. Something she took away long ago. You get a self esteem by doing esteem able acts.

I'm a drunk, I attend at least 3 AA mtgs a week, there has never been a problem in my life that a drink would solve. I find support and friends there, TRUE friends that REALLY do care about me. That want to help me, if I am willing.

I look in the mirror EVERY morning and tell myself, "she can NEVER take your attitude about life, the universe, and it's people about you! she no longer has the right to change your mindset!" It's hard but fake it until you start believing it.

Last of all, I ask my God to grant me the power to forgive my mother.  I ask him 2 to 3 times a day to grant her everything I want: a peaceful life, free of chaos, happiness, and let love fill her soul and heart. At first the only thing I could pray for her was that a semi trailer run her over, but it changes. And soon, your heart will too, bro. And you will have grown became stronger, you will look people In the eye without shame, and you will know who you are looking at in the mirror. And you will be proud... . this I promise you my friend.

I'm an idiot when it comes to the heart, feelings, and my love for my son's mother. I just am, so I am sorry I rambled but I wanted to tell you EXACTLY what I do to feel better, to feel just okay at times. But okay is good... . really good! Because I don't believe it ALL has to do with time! I made a decision to stop feeling the way I was, it's up to me to walk through the action needed to get me there. I promise u, bro... . I promise... .

Arn

[myself]

HPTL, Time is what it takes. Cry, therapy, post here... . The deeper you went, the farther back you need to come. Although it's not backwards but somewhere else. Letting go, and following through, is difficult. Strength is when we make a move that is good for us, accepting that we made the move and why. What's best for You?

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Damn bro, you could have written that for me not long ago! I know the pain hurts. The unbearable feeling of worthlessness. But trust me when I tell you, the pain WILL beat you into a state of reasonableness. I want to tell you a few things that I do to be content on a daily basis, semi happy: I surround myself on a daily basis with family and friends who truly love me, the good and the bad. They love me so much that they don't enable me, they tell me to do something about my pain. So I study, go to the gym, go to work and be a good employee and father.

I take a shower... . EVERY day. You would be surprised how slipping into depression will let us forget to take care of ourselves.

I bought new sneakers and hit the gym, it releases feel good chemicals and I'm starting to look like a million bucks, even though sometimes I don't feel that way.

I see a P every week and I made a commitment to him to not get into a relationship for a year.  Commitments hold me accountable. Accountability holds me responsible. Responsibility gives me my self-respect back.

I stay busy, and when I don't have work or school or my son, I am trying to do as much service work in my community as I can. Giving my time with no expectation of anything in return gives me a self-esteem back. Something she took away long ago. You get a self esteem by doing esteem able acts.

I'm a drunk, I attend at least 3 AA mtgs a week, there has never been a problem in my life that a drink would solve. I find support and friends there, TRUE friends that REALLY do care about me. That want to help me, if I am willing.

I look in the mirror EVERY morning and tell myself, "she can NEVER take your attitude about life, the universe, and it's people about you! she no longer has the right to change your mindset!" It's hard but fake it until you start believing it.

Last of all, I ask my God to grant me the power to forgive my mother.  I ask him 2 to 3 times a day to grant her everything I want: a peaceful life, free of chaos, happiness, and let love fill her soul and heart. At first the only thing I could pray for her was that a semi trailer run her over, but it changes. And soon, your heart will too, bro. And you will have grown became stronger, you will look people In the eye without shame, and you will know who you are looking at in the mirror. And you will be proud... . this I promise you my friend.

I'm an idiot when it comes to the heart, feelings, and my love for my son's mother. I just am, so I am sorry I rambled but I wanted to tell you EXACTLY what I do to feel better, to feel just okay at times. But okay is good... . really good! Because I don't believe it ALL has to do with time! I made a decision to stop feeling the way I was, it's up to me to walk through the action needed to get me there. I promise u, bro... . I promise... .

Arn

Thanks Arn I really appreciate your response. Yeah, Im trying to stay busy. I know doing new things and forming completely new memories will be best push her out of my mind, which is hard because she lived with me. I'm trying to stay one step ahead of the lazy-depression, I bought myself new makeup and new brushes and nice shampoo and conditioner that just arrived in the mail today, so that alone should really help drive me out of the bed each morning and keep me occupied. I see a grad-therapist each week, and I have a good handful of wonderful friends to keep me company and make me eat and laugh. I will hopefully work in more time to exercise, but my schedule is kinda busy, but if I really make an effort I know it will pay off because I eat like a bird when Im emotionally stressed and dropping the "break-up 20" would really make me feel better.

Its good you found a way to get your self respect back. Im wrestling with trying to figure out how to get that back, mainly I just struggle with the insecurities that stemmed from the lying... . i really cant stand lying, and I feel its a sign of disrespect to constantly lie to someone who only wants the truth, no matter what, because its always worse when you find out later on. I dont feel very "deserving" of things like truth/honesty, or work put into the relationship that I didnt do... . I have a feeling that will change. Also worried about how im going to trust anyone again... . you really just have a hard time getting over watching a loved one lie to your face repeatedly when you know the truth, and the whole out of left field break up really didnt do much to instill trust in me.

I always find it so interesting that a lot of users experience the "you wrote out my exact situation/I could have written that exact post" phenomena. I actually keep a collection of quotes i pulled from the boards that seem like I could have written them, I keep them all in my online "reality check" journal. It grew quickly.

[arn131arn]

HPTL, Time is what it takes. Cry, therapy, post here... . The deeper you went, the farther back you need to come. Although it's not backwards but somewhere else. Letting go, and following through, is difficult. Strength is when we make a move that is good for us, accepting that we made the move and why. What's best for You?

I think you can actually speed up the time by focusing on you, getting/giving help, exercising, good rest, therapy, no?

Why does a shattered/ broken heart only be put back together with time?

Are there not other things that benefit us in times like these?

I'm not trying to be disagreeable at all, myself, but I'm not going to be a victim and sit around waiting for time to pass to mend my heart, to wait days and days to realize Arn's a good guy.

Not trying to argue with you, I just know through the last 14 yrs of my life, if I do what I always did I will get what I always got... . and that would be  the 47th recycle with my sons mother... .

No thank you.

[fromheeltoheal]

HPTL, Time is what it takes. Cry, therapy, post here... . The deeper you went, the farther back you need to come. Although it's not backwards but somewhere else. Letting go, and following through, is difficult. Strength is when we make a move that is good for us, accepting that we made the move and why. What's best for You?

I think you can actually speed up the time by focusing on you, getting/giving help, exercising, good rest, therapy, no?

Why does a shattered/ broken heart only be put back together with time?

Are there not other things that benefit us in times like these?

I'm not trying to be disagreeable at all, myself, but I'm not going to be a victim and sit around waiting for time to pass to mend my heart, to wait days and days to realize Arn's a good guy.

Not trying to argue with you, I just know through the last 14 yrs of my life, if I do what I always did I will get what I always got... . and that would be  the 47th recycle with my sons mother... .

No thank you.

I agree arn, a proactive approach is the way to be.  Speaking from experience, sitting around waiting to recover results in one of three things: moving forward, moving backwards, or just spinning in place; the only fish that go with the flow are the dead ones.  Like alcoholism, an addiction to a borderline has a pull, and consciously moving in the other direction is the only way to counteract it.  On the other hand, like is said in AA, time takes time.  So it's a balance, moving forward proactively, but also moving slowly enough to feel everything, instead of running so fast we outrun our grief and don't feel and process it.  Been there.

[growing_wings]

I had a feeling she was shopping replacements, I got scared, tried to do anything to avoid this end. I had absolutely no idea it would be her that would become an utter monster.

hey HPTL,

i am sorry you are feeling that way. As others have said, there is no easy way out, but through the pain. KNow that we understand you, and we are here to listen your process.

reading above hit a chord in me. in my view, pwBPD are always shopping for potential replacements, In my case, even when things were ok, she was always looking out for people who would met her "needs" and kept them as back ups... eventually using them to make me feel "jealous". there is no way to avoid that, nothing you can do, will ever change that. They do operate in that way.

I am 3 months out and i feel a lot better and clearer about her now. But at the time of the b/u i was soo shocked to she the "monster" she became, and i dont mean that in a nasty way, but i was shocked to see how destructive she could be, with her threats, her words designed to cut me in half... .  hit me where it hurt the most.

life gets better, this WILL pass. i now see her with compassion eyes... i learnt to depersonalize the disorder. she did not became a "monster" for me only, it wasnt me, it was the disorder, and would have happened to anyone.

stay strong, it will pass.

[myself]

HPTL, Time is what it takes. Cry, therapy, post here... . The deeper you went, the farther back you need to come. Although it's not backwards but somewhere else. Letting go, and following through, is difficult. Strength is when we make a move that is good for us, accepting that we made the move and why. What's best for You?

I think you can actually speed up the time by focusing on you, getting/giving help, exercising, good rest, therapy, no?

Why does a shattered/ broken heart only be put back together with time?

Are there not other things that benefit us in times like these?

I'm not trying to be disagreeable at all, myself, but I'm not going to be a victim and sit around waiting for time to pass to mend my heart, to wait days and days to realize Arn's a good guy.

Not trying to argue with you, I just know through the last 14 yrs of my life, if I do what I always did I will get what I always got... . and that would be  the 47th recycle with my sons mother... .

No thank you.

I agree arn, a proactive approach is the way to be.  Speaking from experience, sitting around waiting to recover results in one of three things: moving forward, moving backwards, or just spinning in place; the only fish that go with the flow are the dead ones.  Like alcoholism, an addiction to a borderline has a pull, and consciously moving in the other direction is the only way to counteract it.  On the other hand, like is said in AA, time takes time.  So it's a balance, moving forward proactively, but also moving slowly enough to feel everything, instead of running so fast we outrun our grief and don't feel and process it.  Been there.

Agree with you both, and wasn't saying sit around in victim mode waiting to be cured. Said it takes time. Even if it happened in a snap of the fingers (which it hasn't for any of us here), it would be a second or two going by, which = Time. I mentioned strength in making good choices for ourselves, doing things like therapy and posting here, which are healthy to do to get ourselves moving away from the past.

[fromheeltoheal]

to get ourselves moving away from the past.

I like it!

[sam-2012]

Hi HerPerpetuallyTornLover,

I know how you feel, been there, almost one and half year nc now.

I can assure you it gets better ove time and the good thing is that from this experience

I learned how not to fall again to these traps in the future. After the break up, last summer,

I met a really beautifull woman, we went together for vacation, when we got back she started showing lots of red flags, i understood that somethins is wrong with l her and instead of doing what i did with my ex, i stopped it. And you know something? When this woman started the usual madness stuff, it was when i started getting borred. I am not attracted to madness anymore.no contact worked for me, blocked her number, fb e.t.c

I believe that when the come-leave love you/hate you and recycle stage is reached in these relationships, there is no thing that can fix that and leaving and nc is the best. That's my personal opinion though and don't want to influence anyone.

Meet your friends, have fun and focus on you being as good as possible every day.

Cheers

[arn131arn]

HPTL, Time is what it takes. Cry, therapy, post here... . The deeper you went, the farther back you need to come. Although it's not backwards but somewhere else. Letting go, and following through, is difficult. Strength is when we make a move that is good for us, accepting that we made the move and why. What's best for You?

I think you can actually speed up the time by focusing on you, getting/giving help, exercising, good rest, therapy, no?

Why does a shattered/ broken heart only be put back together with time?

Are there not other things that benefit us in times like these?

I'm not trying to be disagreeable at all, myself, but I'm not going to be a victim and sit around waiting for time to pass to mend my heart, to wait days and days to realize Arn's a good guy.

Not trying to argue with you, I just know through the last 14 yrs of my life, if I do what I always did I will get what I always got... . and that would be  the 47th recycle with my sons mother... .

No thank you.

I agree arn, a proactive approach is the way to be.  Speaking from experience, sitting around waiting to recover results in one of three things: moving forward, moving backwards, or just spinning in place; the only fish that go with the flow are the dead ones.  Like alcoholism, an addiction to a borderline has a pull, and consciously moving in the other direction is the only way to counteract it.  On the other hand, like is said in AA, time takes time.  So it's a balance, moving forward proactively, but also moving slowly enough to feel everything, instead of running so fast we outrun our grief and don't feel and process it.  Been there.

Agree with you both, and wasn't saying sit around in victim mode waiting to be cured. Said it takes time. Even if it happened in a snap of the fingers (which it hasn't for any of us here), it would be a second or two going by, which = Time. I mentioned strength in making good choices for ourselves, doing things like therapy and posting here, which are healthy to do to get ourselves moving away from the past.

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I believe the action takes care of us. The time creates distance by utilizing NC. That distance and time will help me not bawl like a baby when I'm driving to work and hear a song on the radio. So, you are right, time in fact heals.