Just curious (poll-ish question)

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

How long have you been out of your relationship with a BPD, and what do you feel is your primary emotion towards them? Still in love, friends, strict NC, acquaintances, hate? All of those?

Im just curious to see if there is a pattern.

Currently about 2 days out now, haha... . feeing the hate, a little bit. I will never get the full story of our breakup, the no closure kills me, I want to ask her questions but I know I will get remorseless vague answers and probably 70% will be lies anyways. Leads to a lot of anger. Its funny because she was just telling me she "couldnt handle it if I were to end up hating her" I was like wellllll... .  

[fromheeltoheal]

I left her about a year and a half ago, and today I see her as a very messed up little girl who wants love and intimacy, but the way she's wired makes it impossible; she exhibits all of the BPD traits strongly and it drives people away.  I don't have strong feelings towards her anymore, really just memories, but I have very strong feelings towards myself, the growth I've done, and the growth I still need to do; I'm in the middle of a growth spurt, never comfortable but always fruitful.

[DiamondSW]

I'm 5mths out from relationship with BPDexgf.

I feel very sorry for her, almost pity. 

Don't 'think' I love her anymore.  How can anyone love someone who doesn't care if they're breathing or not?

Sounds harsh.  But the BPD when I knew her 'was her'... .   a scared, lonely, little girl... .   crying out for help, then destroying those she loved and who loved her.  The only constant in her life was her mother... . and I wouldn't wish that peron on anyone! 

mothers opening line to me, the first time we met... . "You do know my daughter was caught cheating on her thesis at University"... . suppose it beats 'hello'? 

With a mother like that AND BPD, who needs enemies? 

[NoCRV]

Hey TornLover,

Sorry you are going through this.  I know what helped me get closure was looking inward.  I know I can't get answers from her but when I looked at my part of the relationship and asked myself why I stayed in a toxic relationship things made more sense.

Four months out.  No feelings for her, wish her the best.

By the way, you aren't HerPerpetuallyTornLover, you are you.  Take yourself back!

Be well.

[HealingForMe]

I want to ask her questions but I know I will get remorseless vague answers and probably 70% will be lies anyways. Leads to a lot of anger. Its funny because she was just telling me she "couldnt handle it if I were to end up hating her" I was like wellllll... .  

Thats typical BPD, so are your reactions, anger & hurt.

Hang in there, stay strong

I feel very sorry for her, almost pity.

Don't 'think' I love her anymore.  How can anyone love someone who doesn't care if they're breathing or not?

Sounds harsh.  But the BPD when I knew her 'was her'... .  a scared, lonely, little girl... .  crying out for help, then destroying those she loved and who loved her.

Same here, about 3mths out, & I feel very sorry for her. Esp when she says to me "you'll never meet another woman, you're ugly & you'll always be alone & die alone!" This is projection, so she's really saying that about herself, & that makes me so sad to know she feels that way  :'(

The only constant in her life was her mother... . and I wouldn't wish that person on anyone!

mothers opening line to me, the first time we met... . "You do know my daughter was caught cheating on her thesis at University"... . suppose it beats 'hello'?

With a mother like that AND BPD, who needs enemies?  

My BPDexgf grew up with an undiagnosed Schizophrenic mother, abusive /violent father, abusive /violent step father & undiagnosed but psychotic step sister, also mentally challenged brother who more than once killed her cat.

She currently lives with her father who has calmed down a lot but is still emotionally & verbally abusive.

With a family like hers, no wonder she is so messed up!  

and today I see her as a very messed up little girl who wants love and intimacy, but the way she's wired makes it impossible; she exhibits all of the BPD traits strongly and it drives people away.

Same, I still have feelings for her which I cant help, but the main one is pity. She is a lost girl who is desperate for love but pushes away anyone wanting to give it

[Allmessedup]

9 weeks out... . my emotions still swing a lot.  While I miss some spects of our relationship I do not want her back... . I do not miss "her" but rather the idealization I got from her still occasionally.  I still am angry with her for all that happened sometimes but I know I played my own role in the hurt.  Most I am sad for her or completely ambivalent now towards her.  The ambivalence gets more and more common as time passes. 

It is so hard!  Keep posting!  It does help

[growing_wings]

hey HP,

3 months out... .

I dont feel hate towards her, i understand she is highly impulsive, she feels lonely and very abandoned (mostly this abandonment starts as imagined, but she hurts people so much in her push dyamics that the abandonment ends up real as acquaintances leave her), so i feel compassion for her.

Lately, i felt like being friends with her. Although i am working at understanding the root cause of this.

[growing_wings]

I left her about a year and a half ago, and today I see her as a very messed up little girl who wants love and intimacy, but the way she's wired makes it impossible; she exhibits all of the BPD traits strongly and it drives people away.  I don't have strong feelings towards her anymore, really just memories, but I have very strong feelings towards myself, the growth I've done, and the growth I still need to do; I'm in the middle of a growth spurt, never comfortable but always fruitful.

i feel very similar to above... i know she wants love, more than any other person, however, how she acts and is make it soo difficult for her to get that (impossible)... .

i am not where you are fhth yet... . but i am working at feeling well with myself... .   as i still feel i can go back to her and make her feel a bit better... less lonely... less sad. i still have glimpses of rescuing her... . 3 months out

[guitargrl]

1 month out YAY! I feel different emotions it seems every hour. Although I miss those sweet loving moments and funny little things here and there… they have lessened a lot. I was feeling a lot of anger…mostly at how he could just not even care about my children who loved him but that seems to be better today. I feel sad for him and his miserable life but right now I am mostly feeling excited about having a real future now without all the pain, drama, confusion and emotional abuse.

[arn131arn]

90 days plus a week tomorrow.

I read somewhere that the longest a BPD RS will last is 13-14 years. Ours lasted 14. I have come to realize that I no longer hate her, but her actions is what I hate. Her and my replacement are doing things right now in an attempt to destroy me, my reputation, and future success. The only way to beat them is to not play the game. As soon as I came to accept that, and through my actions, quit trying to fight them, was I able to come to a state of compassion.

I dont think I will be black forever, but that's not important either. I have an (8) year old boy that needs to see his dad treat his mom with dignity, compassion, and patience. This is by no means easy. Recent events have put me into a state of fear and in a panic mode, but I need to remember the long term goal, and that is for me to stay sober and be a good father. Those goals are next to impossible for a guy like me if My heart is filled with hate. So, today, I choose to be compassionate in the face of adversity, forgiving in the state of conflict, and proactive in the state of turmoil.

It's just where I've been for several weeks now, not happy, not sad, not angry, not resentful, but maybe contentment? And I'm right where I need to be right now, and I'm totally okay with contentment... . peace has been a long time coming.

[Waifed]

6 months with no contact. I pity her because she is young enough to get help and have a decent life but she will never get help. I am mostly indifferent but have moments that trigger thoughts of her. I hope she is doing ok but not a chance I would ever date her again.

[HealingForMe]

So, today, I choose to be compassionate in the face of adversity, forgiving in the state of conflict, and proactive in the state of turmoil.

It's just where I've been for several weeks now, not happy, not sad, not angry, not resentful, but maybe contentment? And I'm right where I need to be right now, and I'm totally okay with contentment... . peace has been a long time coming.

Thats great arn, I'm happy for you. Feelings like anger, resentment, etc are usually external, ie, directed at someone or something. We need to look internally to sort out ourselves, & it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing.

Great work, stay strong, both for you & your son 

[arn131arn]

It was easy for me to get stuck in the victim mode the 1st few months. I had allot riding on my son's mother being a "crazy"! It got me absolutely nowhere. I learned I don't have to react to anyone. The punk kid barista having a bad day. The drunk guy acting an ass in my bar, or my son's mother who hasn't finished hurting me yet. I look within for truth, outward to ya'll for strength, and upward for grace

My son's mother currently has no power over my attitude and mindset. Not now nor ever again. Sometimes it's a second at a time, choosing to be in the moment and focusing on the good blessings I have today. Sometimes it's all I have ya'll. but what a powerful defense it is, I realized you can knock me down, assassinate my character, verbally and physically abuse me, but you can never ever change my attitude. That's mine and you can't have it. Only I can control that. So, I look at her like a sick 5 year old little girl who is hurt with a little boy haircut, and my perception about her changes. I don't know what it is but it feels better than the darkness three months ago. I walk to the light where it feels right where I know there is goodness. She can't take that from me, and I CAN love and care for her still in that place, and I'm okay with knowing that too.

I gave her that power for 14 years and that got me a chair in Alcoholics Anonymous, a failed career, and a membership to a personality disorder website!

Not just her... . anyone.

[growing_wings]

I dont think I will be black forever, but that's not important either. I have an (8) year old boy that needs to see his dad treat his mom with dignity, compassion, and patience.

hi arn... .

what i read above hit a chord in me, you are a wonderful dad... keep doing so.

love yourself for who you are... . you deserve to be happy. Keep moving on. keep moving on

[Tincup]

Hi,

I am about 6 months out, and still go through a range of emotions.  I don't hate her anymore, but don't really know how I feel toward her.  The best I can come up with is numb.  She initiated contact with me yesterday which spun me quite a bit (and that surprised me since I thought I was doing well.)

I do feel sorry for her since I know she drew the short straw as far as life goes.  I know she will never get help, which is a shame because she is a nice person.  I need to continue to work on me as I realized today through another post that I am addicted to the recycling I think and that is what spun me with her contact.  I need to break this cycle.

This was a good thread, I like hearing how others feel.  Thank god for this website.

[Unleashed]

"I left her about a year and a half ago, and today I see her as a very messed up little girl who wants love and intimacy, but the way she's wired makes it impossible; she exhibits all of the BPD traits strongly and it drives people away.  I don't have strong feelings towards her anymore, really just memories, but I have very strong feelings towards myself, the growth I've done, and the growth I still need to do"

The above poster matches me (apart for 3 mo)... .   I have become a thriving, predictable robot, emotionless to her, appropriately guarded, and well emotionless/stoic in many ways. I contemplate negative emotion as a spectator, more than as a participant.  It has to do with how WE are wired. Some of us sway back and forth, I am very thankful that I can let logic run over feelings; it is best for us.

[Stjarna]

I left 11 months and 3 weeks ago.  We were married for over 40 years, so detachment has been hard, very hard. 

We have limited contact.  I try for as little as possible, but we have 5 children, a couple of them special needs, and so there have been a few discussions around them.  There have been a few attempts at being "friends," but they always end up with him getting angry at me for maintaining my boundaries and not giving in to his attempts to recycle.  Then he turns on me and displays his usual toddler behavior, calling me degrading, hateful names, and threatening, trying his best to cause me to worry or be anxious about something.  Just yesterday I vowed that I would limit my contact even more and deal with the kids without his input.  He never ends up helping any situation anyway, and there is only one child out of the five that will even speak to him. 

As far as emotions, in the early days I used to say that I loved him and always would, but just could not continue being treated badly and have my whole life manipulated any more.  By "love," I meant that I could see the sad little boy side of him and love that, and I did love some things about him.  He is very funny and witty, always making everyone laugh.  He also has a generous heart (as long as you are on his good side, ).   But now, I feel that "love" is an inappropriate way to describe what I feel.  Mostly, I am just sad, very sad for him and for the kids.  I have felt sadness for myself too and have grieved greatly for the loss of the marriage, the illusion that I kept trying to make real.  The grief and sadness has been chipped away at over the past year little by little, and in its place is starting to be an acceptance and a gratitude for my available choices now, to be able to live my life fully and without fear, to see where my journey takes me. 

[Dutched]

It is 3 yrs now. She: “I can’t stand this anymore, I will temporarily leave for my rest” => BPD-translator: divorce. 

I am somewhere in the middle… mine lasted for more than 30 yrs.

She has always been a wonderful woman. Even today, when people ask I keep telling that, as she is. After building such a history that hart remembers, sometimes even wishes for reuniting…, but my deep love faded away into sympathy and empathy for how deep she felt.

Despite all my attempts after the break, she didn’t want to move, so it’s her life in avoiding and denying, without me, without a replacement. In fact she stays as long as she lives in that  rollercoaster of emotions,  she has to coop with that, it must  and is terrible.

I knew a 3-4 yrs. before the break-up about BPD, as from then I was able again to see the wonderful woman I always loved, to concentrate as family on all the positive we had in our live and separate her behaviour.

At the stage of your grieving, I must be sound very strange to you how I described my feelings above. We are all humans, our exes too. We felt in love with a beautiful person (at least I did),  didn’t we?  Only that behaviour makes “them” destructive.

I is her behaviour/disorder which intensified the last 5-10 yrs. that ruined all. For that I had a really intense anger (I even haven’t found any words to describe that kind of anger in my native language) towards her for all the consequences, particularly for the live long psychical  consequences for my kids

She knows and realizes she ruined all, as she did when she was 19 yrs. old and left her parents in the same way. She carried that guild, deep shame, etc. as a real heavy burden. Then me and my parents were around, no one of her own aunts/uncles.

Anyway, I am not over it. Lately however (after a few weeks of laying on that bottom again) I suddenly realized where I came from. The pain of not having my family anymore remains, but I am relaxed, found a kind of peace within myself and am proud of some achievements outside my comfort zone (getting a pat on the shoulder by myself   )

My most proud feeling is that my S19 (who lives with me) eyes are fully open now. Dad/we walk the talk, mom/they talks the talk…

A “negative” point however is that I feel a kind of victory and sarcasm towards exBPDw. Once she came with a few boxes, a 3 yrs. ago she left with a few boxes, that after more that 30 yrs! She felt “so much pity” for me as I could never coop with all…  Now look who is the one to have “pity” for.

[blissful_camper]

How long have you been out of your relationship with a BPD, and what do you feel is your primary emotion towards them? Still in love, friends, strict NC, acquaintances, hate? All of those?

I'm 9 months out.  I have good days, and I still have bad days, but the good days are outnumbering the bad days.  My primary emotion toward my ex is relief.  I hope I stay in that emotion for a while. I like how it feels.  I feel sorry for him at times.  I've recently asked myself if I loved him.  The answer right now is, I don't know.  He's not someone I want as a friend.  I'm NC.

Currently about 2 days out now, haha... . feeing the hate, a little bit. I will never get the full story of our breakup, the no closure kills me, I want to ask her questions but I know I will get remorseless vague answers and probably 70% will be lies anyways. Leads to a lot of anger. Its funny because she was just telling me she "couldnt handle it if I were to end up hating her" I was like wellllll... .  

Connecting the dots, and processing what I'd experienced gave me the closure that I needed.  Right after the break up I thought I needed closure from him.  In fact I felt that way for a few months.  When I finally received an apology from him last month I thought that I would feel validated but I didn't.  In fact I questioned his motive.  Validate yourself and your experiences.  You can find closure on your own, and it'll happen with time.  

[WisdomSeeker]

It has been 7 weeks for me. My hate is gone. I am still sad. I do feel pity for her, even though she cheated on me. I wish I knew she had BPD and I wish I didn't have so many of my own problems so I could have been more aware of what I was dealing with. I would not have threatened abandonment, which I believe triggered the cheating. I still find myself being very curious if she is still having a r/s with the guy she was having an affair with when I left. Part of me wants her to be happy with him, because I know I deserve better. I love her and I want her to be happy. But I don't want to know about. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I want to get strong so that I am happy with or without her. For us, it is pretty much no contact. She had suggested getting together to talk to resolve any "unresolved issues after the dust settles". But I told her that I was not interested and I had nothing else to say. Then she started saying goodbye and it hurt be so I panicked and hung up the phone on her. I knew that she had spent Valentine's Day with her new guy just a week before. So I shut her down. Now, I am regretting it as my anger has subsided. I really want to know why she wanted to get together. Probably, to just say goodbye in person as I only left a note and never said goodbye to her in person. But I had to protect myself as the odds are that she was and still is in a r/s with this guy. I only want to talk with her if she is single again or needs my help. So I try to get stronger and be thankful everyday for what I have.