Tears at 9 months out?

[blissful_camper]

Today was really difficult.  I was disappointed in myself because I've been doing pretty well.  I had a dream about my ex a few nights ago.  It triggered feelings - anger, disbelief.  Tears today.  Is this normal 9 months out of the relationship? 

[Mutt]

I have been broken up and separated for 13 months from my uBPD ex and I'm still grieving. I still have moments were I feel really sad and depressed and I can go on for days where I feel good.

Grieving is a process with no particular order for anger, depression etc. Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss and you may experience the same stages again.

[myself]

We all grieve in different ways, in our own time.

It's understandable to still have feelings, and feelings to still deal with.

You didn't make a mistake, or do anything wrong, btw, you had a dream.

Which is another way our minds make sense of what we're going through.

How many steps did you take forward before this one step back?

Be proud of having had such forward momentum!

That's who you choose to be.  

[corraline]

I've been out for a month of no contact. Haven't seen him for two months and no contact from him for over a week.

I was upset with myself today for grieving and pining for him still.

After all, one of his texts a couple of weeks ago before i changed my phone number was about how  happy he was about our decision to end our three year relationship( along with the smiley face he attached to the text)

I had to change my number... . i kept getting all sorts of things that triggered me.  I also didnt want to get any more drunken verbal abuse from him or the flip side ... . you know the love bombing ones.

About  how much he loved me and how he always will... . etc

He said he was taking the high road and looking at it positively.

That made me feel even worse and i punished myself more for not moving on so quickly like him

I must be damaged I thought , but then i thought... he is either lying about his great feelings or playing another cruel game or I am the messed up one that can feel so much grief and loss and I must be nasty to want him to feel bad too.

hearing how you all feel after the time you have had apart helps me to feel more accepting of where i am at this point.

thank you

[blissful_camper]

Thank you for the support.  The dream upset me because it was about his new relationship.  In the dream, he was empty inside, like nobody was home.  I didn't know him at all in the dream, not as I thought I did when we were together. In the dream he told me he was going to a motel with my replacement and that motel was called the "sundowner."  "Sundowner" is a term used for a person with dementia. The dream was unsettling.   

What the dream triggered for me is that he has gone on with his merry life, while I'm still processing this disaster. My life was turned upside down and I'm still dealing with the fallout - that angers me and saddens me at the same time.  I'm not ready to date, and I don't know when I will be.  I can't see myself trusting someone in a romantic capacity for a long time.  That makes me sad for me.

[corraline]

Ive been having disturbing dreams about my ex this week too.

I wake up feeling really put off by him , i can't remember the details as clearly as you do.

The first one was some weird sex stuff

the second one was biker guy stuff, it was him but not really him... . just bad dark guy stuff.

not that i think bikers are bad... i love motorcycles myself ... . but the guy in my dream last night was bad

I guess we are just processing our pain

One thing i realized this evening is that today... . i didnt ruminate aaalllllll daaaaayyyy about the bad stuff... . like i have been for 3 and a half years.

not sure how tomorrow will be

but ill be content with today for now.

take care

[blissful_camper]

Yes we are processing our pain.  It's disturbing.  It's as though my dreams are peeling away the layers showing me the real him, the one I didn't see while involved with him.  It's not pretty.   

One positive thing that has come out of this is it's pushing me toward a place of acceptance on a deeper level.   

Ive been having disturbing dreams about my ex this week too.

I wake up feeling really put off by him , i can't remember the details as clearly as you do.

The first one was some weird sex stuff

the second one was biker guy stuff, it was him but not really him... . just bad dark guy stuff.

not that i think bikers are bad... i love motorcycles myself ... . but the guy in my dream last night was bad

I guess we are just processing our pain

One thing i realized this evening is that today... . i didnt ruminate aaalllllll daaaaayyyy about the bad stuff... . like i have been for 3 and a half years.

not sure how tomorrow will be

but ill be content with today for now.

take care

[HealingForMe]

What the dream triggered for me is that he has gone on with his merry life, while I'm still processing this disaster. My life was turned upside down and I'm still dealing with the fallout - that angers me and saddens me at the same time. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. try to remember that while he may make a pretense of a merry life, you can be sure its anything but. His life is full of anguish, fear, resentment, shame, guilt, instability, etc. They are in turmoil & we are the collateral damage.

I'm not ready to date, and I don't know when I will be.  I can't see myself trusting someone in a romantic capacity for a long time.  That makes me sad for me.

I'm in the same spot, I want to find someone to share a normal healthy r/s, but I'm not ready yet. I still feel lonely though.

I remind myself its a process. Its different for everyone & while it may help to think of the 5 steps of grieving, my psych reminded me last week that that is only one way of looking at it & there is no timetable nor any order of the steps, we also go forward & back as we heal. So dont put pressure on yourself, just go with the healing process as you're ready

[Dutched]

Probably it will take a long time to heal, pal.  It is more than 3 yrs now for me after more than 30 yrs r/s...

Last 3 weeks it went very well and had plenty of energy, but several weeks before I crawled to get something done. 

Yes, I needed to cry too at the “lowest” point,  just questioning why it happened.

I was back to stage 1: unbelief...

Still having a terrible sleeping pattern

Now and then I still have dreams. Pattern however is the same and I wake up because of it.

Soaking wet I wake up, but really cold  (somehow no peace in my mind as T said).

I experience situations in which my boundaries are broken, fighting against everything I stand for.

Never a positive dream, just the hurt , it’s draining.

We lost our life, we are building a new one (are forced to) so we have to explore outside our safety zone. That is a challenge while grieving.     

[blissful_camper]

Thank you for this.  I needed to hear it.  I'm feeling better this evening. 

What the dream triggered for me is that he has gone on with his merry life, while I'm still processing this disaster. My life was turned upside down and I'm still dealing with the fallout - that angers me and saddens me at the same time. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. try to remember that while he may make a pretense of a merry life, you can be sure its anything but. His life is full of anguish, fear, resentment, shame, guilt, instability, etc. They are in turmoil & we are the collateral damage.

I'm not ready to date, and I don't know when I will be.  I can't see myself trusting someone in a romantic capacity for a long time.  That makes me sad for me.

I'm in the same spot, I want to find someone to share a normal healthy r/s, but I'm not ready yet. I still feel lonely though.

I remind myself its a process. Its different for everyone & while it may help to think of the 5 steps of grieving, my psych reminded me last week that that is only one way of looking at it & there is no timetable nor any order of the steps, we also go forward & back as we heal. So dont put pressure on yourself, just go with the healing process as you're ready