Swinging from feeling guilty to feeling relieved...

[growing_wings]

hi folks,

I have another question for you.  You all have helped me so much in realizing stuff i need to deal with

Lately, I am finding myself swinging between feeling guilty and feeling relieved from exiting a relationship with what i would consider a destructive person. Here is why:

I broke up and went NC ... . 3 months now. I went onto living my life. I had to force myself, but i had to get out and reach out all those things i "sacrificed" when i was with the pwBPD. Part of this sacrifices was working with a "competitor" of hers, it was more of an "emotional threat" to her than a real competitor. I always wanted to do this as it was a social venture to help the community, back when i was in the r/s, i started to show interest in joining these social efforts, but i was totally banned from doing that, totally banned. My ex was swinging between devaluing the social idea and attacked it with all she had, to occasionally showing sings of interest in helping.

Bottom line, at the end of the r/s, past 1 month i joined this group and after working together, we have been making wonderful progress (which didnt happen before). I was feeling very well, but when things started really working well for this social venture, then i felt guilty, soo guilty of having "joined" forces with what she considered an emotional threat to her...  i felt i hurt her (un intentionally tho), after feeling this guilty, old feelings of wanted to re-friend her, be there for her, etc resurfaced and i was so close to break NC.

then today, i was checking some old photos i had posted in FB... (not that i checked intentionally), but i realized she took the time to delete absolutely every comment or like that she made in my stuff (and she had soo many of these)... i didnt check before, but she did that even in the open ones (profile or bakgroud photos)... i didnt realize of this as i wasnt looking for it... so this made me remember what a person she was, so cold and unforgiving if you dare to step outside her demands... . she made sure she was deleted from my life even in my page!. I am sure she deleted me totally from her life now... . she did that a day after i started NC, she deleted the many many photos or comments i made to her stuff on FB, i saw that before she blocked me... . so why do i care? i still feel compassion for her, i do... . but i need to separate feeling compassion for her vs. me feeling guilty because i do waht i want... .

i feel sorry, sorry that things had to finish this way... sorry that she took such extreme measures, she did a smear campaign (which didnt really work for her)... .

so, here i am, feeling guilty i "might" have hurt her by  joining forces with her emotional threat, to then feeling relieved i broke free from such a controlled environment

any thoughts? has this happened to you?

[Allmessedup]

The last contact I had from my ex other than for a simple exchange of stuff was to tell me because I was posting all over fb (this was before I blocked her) that she had to move as she could not stay in the same city as I was in!

I felt hugely guilty that I had hurt her and this prompted me blocking her... . which of course is what she simply should have done if she didn't want to see my posts.  She had no problem doing so the many other recycles... .

But then I felt hugely relieved knowing if she moved I would never chance running into her as well as the distance would be yet another reason we could not recycle.

Then I promptly felt guilty for that too.

That was early in our break up.  There are times now I feel guilty, like I know she is sick right now(mutual friends)... . but then again I am hugely relieved as when she is physically sick she is even harder to take... .

Now I just keep repeating to my self that I matter more to me than she does.

It's hard but we are not responsible for their happiness or unhappiness any more than they were responsible for ours.

You don't want to hurt her... . I get that totally... . but what about not hurting you?

[woodsposse]

 

Its tough. No getting around that.  It can be brutal.  No getting around that.  Some days are fine - others suck.  No getting around that.

To get around it you have to go through it.

But trust me... . on the other side of it... . it is fine.

Trust me... . on the other side of it... . it is fine.

Focus on you - because at this point, if I hear where you are correctly (and I have been there) you may be feeling like you don't count or you don't matter.  But you do.

No matter what she says, no matter what she does, never forget you matter.

Where you are, I was there - and I'm sure a lot of us have been there too.  It feels like you and your sense of what is right, wrong, up, down, has been altered and you my question your very existence.  But it is an illusion.

You matter.  Wherever you are in this... . you matter.  Whever your head is at... . you matter.


Please know you are not alone.

[growing_wings]

hi Woods posse and All messedup...

thank you for your support and kind words. You are indeed right. it is hard.

it is part of the process. I feel much better now. only one thing we can do as you say: look after ourselves and keep moving forward, keep moving forward

thanks