Wow ... People just amaze me

[Fool for Love]

So, we officially ended our relationship 3 weeks ago... . Found out today that she quit her job and moved 3 hours away from her family and moved in with the replacement ! Of coarse this guy has money , lake house and all that stuff. How these people do this ? So fast ... no feelings ... . like the 4 yrs we were together meant nothing ... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Oh, the feelings are there, mostly shame, so a borderline does what they do to cope; run away, divert their focus with a replacement, project all their self loathing on you so you're the scumbag, think in black and white, all or nothing so you're a complete scumbag now, as opposed to when you were completely perfect in the beginning.  All the thrills of the disorder.  But in those quiet times when she's alone the memories and feelings creep in; think rocking back and forth in a fetal position.

So what are you doing with your feelings today?

[Fool for Love]

Well... my feelings where fine ... . then I just started crying ... . not cause I want her back... but because of 3 years of the lies ... . I mean even if we would have broken up on good terms ... I know has the way I am I would have to take time for myself and get emotional right . I couldn't just jump into another relationship after 3 yrs of being with someone ... . I understand the lies , cheated with this guy before we broke up, the drama ... . I understand she is no good for me ... . but it still hurts my heart ... .

[fromheeltoheal]

the way I am I would have to take time for myself and get emotional right . I couldn't just jump into another relationship after 3 yrs of being with someone

That's the healthy way, and good for you!  We don't do future partners, or ourselves, any favors by jumping into something new before we've processed and are ready.  The new dude is in for the same crap, he just doesn't know it yet.

I'm sorry you want through that.  These relationships can wound us to our core, which can also be the good news with the opportunity for personal growth that they motivate; you may find down the road that this relationship was the best thing that could have happened, and the growth you go through was the gift of it.

In the meantime, as you process, what stage of grieving do you think you're in?

[arn131arn]

Well... my feelings where fine ... . then I just started crying ... . not cause I want her back... but because of 3 years of the lies ... . I mean even if we would have broken up on good terms ... I know has the way I am I would have to take time for myself and get emotional right . I couldn't just jump into another relationship after 3 yrs of being with someone ... . I understand the lies , cheated with this guy before we broke up, the drama ... . I understand she is no good for me ... . but it still hurts my heart ... .

That's exactly it, FFL, you are spot on, my man. We aren't grieving the end of the relationship, we are grieving what the relationship NEVER was.

This is the exact situation I'm in, the money, feelings of less than, not providing enough, and it hurts. I am here, bro.