Ending the relationship..advice please

[Depression = 72% of members]

So after 3 years... I broke up with my boyfriend. I love him & we've had great times... but we've had many issues. About 2 years ago I began to suspect something was wrong... our arguments were just weird... and my investigations eventually led me here. He shares many traits with BPD. Bottom line- I love him but I know the right thing for both of us is for this relationship to end. I broke up with him about a week ago. However, were still talking. Now he's basically acting as if we're together- but were not. We're long distance. He said he bought a ring but has sold it now. He went for about 2years without a job- biggest issue along with many others is I'm tired of paying for almost everything. He's acting desperate to get me back... acting soo very strange. I know I need to tell him we can't talk anymore very soon but honestly I'm afraid of how he will react. I'm not totally sure what he's capable of and am afraid. How do I do this the right way to avoid any bad reactions from him?

[Someone123]

So after 3 years... I broke up with my boyfriend. I love him & we've had great times... but we've had many issues. About 2 years ago I began to suspect something was wrong... our arguments were just weird... and my investigations eventually led me here. He shares many traits with BPD. Bottom line- I love him but I know the right thing for both of us is for this relationship to end. I broke up with him about a week ago. However, were still talking. Now he's basically acting as if we're together- but were not. We're long distance. He said he bought a ring but has sold it now. He went for about 2years without a job- biggest issue along with many others is I'm tired of paying for almost everything. He's acting desperate to get me back... acting soo very strange. I know I need to tell him we can't talk anymore very soon but honestly I'm afraid of how he will react. I'm not totally sure what he's capable of and am afraid. How do I do this the right way to avoid any bad reactions from him?

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines live in continuous push/pull; get too close and he feels engulfed, like he'll lose whatever partial self he has, get too far away and he feels abandoned, so he will turn on the sugar as bait, or just deny you're broken up and act like everything's normal.  Crazymaking.  You probably know this.  If you've made your decision it's best to stop communicating so you can heal and start focusing on you, and being long distance helps, but not really sure what you're afraid he will do.  You can expect a flurry of communication attempts, called an extinction burst, basically a panic, when you do stop talking to him, but that will eventually end, usually when he finds a new attachment.  The best way is to ask him not to contact you again, and if you do end up talking act bored and don't engage.  Good luck with that, and keep talking here.

[Tausk]

Hi: I'm sorry for your pain and confusion.  I'm glad you're here sharing.

When you say you're afraid, what do you mean?  Are you afraid for him? for you? of violence?

You mention that you are long distance.  Regardless, of what path you pick, try and limit any emotional responses.  Depersonalize it.  Don't say, I'm doing this because you... .   Try and be as boring and no judgmental as possible.  Don't respond to anything with emotions.  That doesn't mean that you should let your boundaries be violated.  It just means, respond in a detached, depersonalized, no emotional manner.

Good luck.

[HealingForMe]

I cant really help with how to go NC, I'm still LC & thats not great. But I do offer you my support & empathy, I know what you're doing is very hard on you. Be strong & good luck

[GreenMango]

How to leave someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Someone the blue link above is an article on how to leave a partner with BPD.  It emphasizes being boring and detaching slowly as to help both people get used to the idea.

[Someone123]

Thank you everyone so much for your responses. I feel so strange about everything right now. Luckily I've had a very supportive friend being there for me along the way. I broke up with my bf last week and this week he basically talked himself into the fact that were in "a break" from our relationship- not broken up... and he's still been talking in terms of the future, getting married, and also talking about how he's going to change, saying he's glad i broke up with him so he could have a wake up call... . and in general just acting pretty manic. He went from barely posting on social media to posting all day long, went from not talking much on the phone to sounding incredibly energetic and upbeat, constantly joking, asking about me etc. I have still been talking to him to avoid him panicking but I've been acting uninterested, boring. It's strange because I do still want to talk to him, but as soon as I do his strange manic behavior honestly weirds me out and makes me go oh yeah... this is why I'm leaving him. I feel like I deeply care for him... but I may just be falling out of love. I've felt so numb lately, mainly just feeling good and relieved that things are over... almost. I did have one "breakdown" and cried a while... mainly mourning what I thought my relationship with him could have been... knowing now that won't happen. Then I started to get angry. Angry that I spent so much time and energy... I did so much and he still acts like a boy not a grown man... with very little responsibility for himself. But anyway, I'm planning going no contact soon... I'm very afraid to tell him. Afraid of the emotion and panic he will go through, slightly scared myself of not talking anymore to someone who I've talked to for so long... but I feel I am to manipulated by him to keep talking to him. He plays on my guilt too much- I've spent so much of this relationship being manipulated into things because I feel guilty. I am also planning on deleting my social media accounts for some time in order to let the drama die down.