Just wonder about BPD and cheating

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Are BPD individuals more likely to have affairs and cheat on their partner or do most not cheat but line up a replacement before they run and then engage with the new person?  I am just curious.  I found mine was definitely a cheater and that lying (almost his whole life was a lie) was common too.

Also I have been painted white, black, white and then black all in the span of a week... . is this others' experience with their ex or current BPD partner or did your periods of black and white last longer?  Mine were long for sometimes but then also I could be white again for like 15 hours and then back to black.  So up and down.

[barbwire911]

Are BPD individuals more likely to have affairs and cheat on their partner or do most not cheat but line up a replacement before they run and then engage with the new person?  I am just curious.  I found mine was definitely a cheater and that lying (almost his whole life was a lie) was common too.

Also I have been painted white, black, white and then black all in the span of a week... . is this others' experience with their ex or current BPD partner or did your periods of black and white last longer?  Mine were long for sometimes but then also I could be white again for like 15 hours and then back to black.  So up and down.

[redbaron5]

I can tell you that mine cheated very brazenly and the lies she used to cover up the cheating were astonishing. Now the typical disclaimer is going to be "BPD is a spectrum disorder and its symptoms are a pattern of behavior, but like every unique individual, the way the disorder manifest through their actions will be equally as unique."  So do all BPD cheat? No. Do the way people with BPD generally feel, see, and interact with the world around them make them more prone to be un-loyal and unfaithful?  In my opinion, absolutely yes.  For my UBPDEX, and forgive my "French"  but filling up her vagina with whatever she could and what was closest at hand was just another way of filling the void in herself, along with alcohol, drugs, and erratic behavior. People with BPD often have a poor sense of "self" and luring men into bed and having them validate your worthiness through sexual contact is an easy way for a BPD female to get quick validation. Combine that with the rush of chemicals a "New Toy" and a new sexual experience gives you and you have the perfect recipe for infidelity.  We all know many BPD people are immeasurable selfish and will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel better at any given moment, why would sleeping with a random stranger be any different?

[barbwire911]

@redbaron5:  Yes your BPDex sounds like mine was.  His lies were insane and he would lie to the women about each woman saying "this one is crazy and loves me" and then run to the other and say the same thing about the other woman!  It is still hard but glad to be out of his craziness.  I think I will just drop his stuff in a bag at his doorstep as he has been in silent treatment mode for a week now despite I asked him when is it good to give it to him (he was away on vacay last week and not sure when he is back but I have heard no response from him) as I do not want to have his stuff as it leaves a door open for when he comes out of his silent treatment and feels I should be painted white again as he needs me.

[Skip]

barbwire911,

Wasn't your relationship a duo-affair?  Aren't you both married?

I mention this because an affair and a non-affair relationship have very different dynamics.  Affairs are supplemental - they tend to be "correction" for a missing aspect in the marriage. Most often, if someone magically pulled the spouses out, the affair would fail.

BPD told me "your ex should not have said those things to my ex" and I walked away after apologizing but called him a few hours later saying "do you want me to talk to her and reassure her we are over as she is hurt and I feel bad." And he said "no it will make it worse but thanks." I said I hope one day we can be civil and he said he "would like that."  I told him for now we go separate ways and he got really sad.

      So then his ex contacts my ex again saying BPD always used me and he has moved onto some new woman named XY and I should ask him about it as apparently XY was around when I was with him.So he called me and I called him back asking about XY and he yelled he wanted to be alone, I never meant anything to him and he did not know who XY was at all and his ex was lying. So I responded saying to his ex we are both better off without him and I hope we can move on and I see he is a user, manipulator, etc. I wished her well and then she sends a nasty note that if she hears from me or my ex through FB again she will call the police. What the heck??

We have had other members that traveled this path. These are extremely painful and messy breakups - its a shattering of a dream. I think to understand this all, it would might help to look to the complex dynamics of affairs.  Why we do it?  What is really happening.  What it says about how we are dealing with our marriage.

Do you have you hands around what this relationship gave you?  What drew you to it?

This is really hard.  

Skip

[fromheeltoheal]

A component of the disorder is impulsive behavior, with sex being one way it can manifest.  My ex, for example, would have random sex on a whim with strangers, she didn't consider it cheating, and the person wasn't a replacement.  She justified the dalliance because she considered herself entitled, she did it to soothe whatever negative emotion she was having in the moment, she got external validation of her self worth by using what she considered her only asset, and she was able to escape in physical bliss for a while.  And then there are true replacements, which start with an emotional connection, an attachment in borderline terms, although the term replacement implies that a current attachment is ending and a new one is being formed, which may or may not be true; there may be multiple attachments to reduce the chance of abandonment and the subsequent depression.  Lots of variables in this disorder.

My understanding of the cycles of the disorder, certainly true in my case, is that the cycling through the idealization and devaluation stages and the changes in mood and affect accelerate towards the end of the relationship, a response to feelings of imminent abandonment.  The wheels have come off the relationship at that point, things can get very ugly and dangerous, and for me the only solution was to bail with part of my sanity still intact.

[corraline]

My ex admitted to having a weakness for the attention of other women.  He had to tell me something because he was caught so many times on dating sites. He even tried to say it must of been my kids on one of them when i found the history on my own computer. Sick.  He was dating another woman when we first met but claimed he just met her the same time as me on a dating site. During our 3 years together he saw therapists and claimed to be working on this issue and any fears I had were my own trust issues and acted like he was being victimized by me for still feeling uncomfortable .Problem was i still kept seeing the evidence and having an uncomfortableness in myself about him and this issue.  Yes I do have trust issues. They stem from my dad being a cheater and a liar . I caught my dad cheating on my mom when i was a little girl and was punished for making up a (so called )lie . History repeating itself again .  He may have only been "looking" on these sites but that is still betrayal and i don't consider that being trustworthy. His flirting around women was painful.  I thought, gosh if he is so bold in front of me what can he be like when Im not even there. Sometimes i wondered if he did that just to make me uncomfortable.

    A couple of months ago he sent me an  email about all of the women that were in "serious heat" that he needed to protect himself from when he was in mexico on a holiday by himself complete with a winky emoticon. When he did it , i  started to get upset and then I made a decision to not let myself get triggered again. I did not engage him.  It was hard... I realized that this was another game to hurt me but the fact that he was blatantly trying to hurt me , hurt me.   AAAAHHHH! He did this kind of thing all of the time.  So if someone truly wants you to feel comfortable with trusting them , then why do things to make you  feel worried or suspicious.  It was soo crazy and painful. He would set me up and punish me for feeling uncomfortable.   I tell myself at times when i miss him that I am lucky now that I don't have to be in that painful place anymore with him. I feel much safer now.

[barbwire911]

@Skip:  Yes mine was a duo affair in that my marriage was lacking physical and emotion connection completely for many years.  My exBPD had numerous affairs during his marriage but at first lied to me this (with me) was his first.  he then began to confess them one at a time.  This was my first one and I felt so bad after our first break up I confessed to my husband.  Not sure what is going on with my marriage... . in limbo as my spouse wants to work on it and not sure where I stand but I am in therapy and know I have a fear of being alone also so possibly a large reason why I stay in this physically/emotionally disconnected marriage when I should get out logically.  My BPDex moved out of his house and is separated from his ex wife now but he goes back and forth to her too despite him moving out into a separate dwelling a few months ago.  Part of me says I need to do a temporary few month move just to see and have some space away from my spouse so maybe I can get perspective.  It is hard as I think that may be good but then maybe it is not the right decision? Who knows. I wish I did.  I got the Susan Anderson book about Abandonment and Healing so maybe that will help with this fear I have of being alone.  LOL... maybe I am BPD as I have abandonment issues too.

Corraline:  The lies these people create are incredible and they do try to trigger us.  Mine tried many games at that too and I just learned what he was doing and was like "ok well do what you want." and then he would recant that statement. But yeah they like to get reactions.

It is all so bizarre.

[an0ught]

Hi barbwire911

Are BPD individuals more likely to have affairs and cheat on their partner or do most not cheat but line up a replacement before they run and then engage with the new person?  I am just curious.  I found mine was definitely a cheater and that lying (almost his whole life was a lie) was common too.

in general pwBPD do tend to have problems forming bonds. Some pwBPD like your ex may have problems forming a stable attachment and if one is forming will be running away. Others have the opposite trouble letting ever go and form few very deep and lifelong attachments.

PwBPD are driving by strong basic needs and some resort to fixing a story to get what is needed in the moment - consequences be dammed.

But then are we only victims? What makes us vulnerable to try to get into a relationship with a person who is too good to be true? And then paining us black and we swallow it again? To link up with someone unbalanced who certainly provided us intensity?

Who are we? Skip asked some important questions.

[restoredsight]

From what i can tell, the intense emotions felt by pwBPD can create what they call "situational ethics." Since they lack tools to self soothe, and can't carry around a concept of someone loving them, it's easy to use sex to distract themselves. As hard as it can be to understand this, because the expectation is there that the other person thinks and feels like you do, it's unlikely to be personal. Even if it is, there's a good chance a lot of projection is involved. They do anything they can to "survive." It feels like a matter of survival to them to avoid intensely bad feelings.

Recently, I think my wife started up with someone else. I'm barely hurt by it, as I see the other person as a symptom. But, of course, that means our relationship is likely a symptom as well. That does hurt.