Could this be a cause of the "splitting" the BPD individual does?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just wondering... . could this "splitting" be caused by the mother designating one child as the "all good" one and the other one (the sibling) as "all bad"?  My exwBPD used to tell me he never liked his sister and I asked why and he said "she was fat and lazy and selfish." Then he added that his mom always said he was the easy child to deal with and the sister was the difficult one... . could this cause a child to then also split people into all bad or all good categories?

Like at times I just want to call my ex BPD and be like "can we talk" as sometimes that worked in the past and then we would have a good conversation and I was painted white.  It changed so often though.  And I keep thinking maybe if we talk it can be good... . as when we talk, we can talk well. Last time just a week ago that happened where I seemed so painted black but then we had a great conversation, etc.  And I said "see I like when we talk like this " and he agreed.  But then something causes him to become irrational again and make no sense in just a matter of hours sometimes.

UGH... . it is so hard.

[barbwire911]

Just wondering... . could this "splitting" be caused by the mother designating one child as the "all good" one and the other one (the sibling) as "all bad"?  My exwBPD used to tell me he never liked his sister and I asked why and he said "she was fat and lazy and selfish." Then he added that his mom always said he was the easy child to deal with and the sister was the difficult one... . could this cause a child to then also split people into all bad or all good categories?

Like at times I just want to call my ex BPD and be like "can we talk" as sometimes that worked in the past and then we would have a good conversation and I was painted white.  It changed so often though.  And I keep thinking maybe if we talk it can be good... . as when we talk, we can talk well. Last time just a week ago that happened where I seemed so painted black but then we had a great conversation, etc.  And I said "see I like when we talk like this " and he agreed.  But then something causes him to become irrational again and make no sense in just a matter of hours sometimes.

UGH... . it is so hard.

[heartandwhole]

Hi barbwire911,

I think anything/anyone that can cause anxiety is a candidate for splitting, so even if you are having a good talk, some thoughts or feelings can sneak in and "remind" him that "you are not good for him."  It can happen long after the fact, too, as it did in my r/s.  That made things so difficult for me, because I was a hoop jumper that wanted to avoid triggering him – didn't work, because triggers changed hourly.

It is not rational at all, which makes it really hard for partners to understand.  Here's a workshop on splitting: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[HealingForMe]

I think the BPD is caused by a variety of factors, both genetic & environmental esp in childhood. & the splitting is a symptom of BPD. So its not really caused by any particular actions, more a response to an altered perception of their world.

In the end I dont really think so much about the "why", more about the "how on earth do I deal with this"

As heartandwhole said, there are many triggers which can make a pwBPD switch from white to black. I've seen my BPDexgf swing from one to the other & back again all in the one conversation. It can be very confusing... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Splitting is a common defense mechanism, we all use it to some degree.  Like think of someone you had a falling out with; accentuating their bad points and minimizing their good ones makes it easier to see them as 'bad', and justifies the falling out, let's us be right, and lessons the pain.  But if we stop and think for a minute, that person is a combination of good and bad points, and most of us are able to integrate them into a whole person.

A borderline takes that to the extreme.  In infancy the mother is seen as two people, the mean, withholding one and the benevolent, loving one.  A borderline is too young and undeveloped at the time to integrate those two and see the mother as a whole person with both sets of traits, and never develops that ability, which is the source of the black/white, all good or all bad judgement of people.  We're perfect and all good to begin with, idealization, then at some point when we show up as less than perfect, an unattainable goal anyway, the borderline flops all the way to the other extreme, and we are seen as having no good qualities whatsoever.  And then, as the relationship stresses build towards the end, a borderline can flop from one to the other quickly, seriously crazymaking if you take it seriously.