feel like I am going crazy tonight

[preciousme]

Hi,

I dont know where to start or what to write... . my head is all over the place and tonight I feel so lonely and messed up in the head, I cant think straight.  I dont know if I am in a relationship still with BPD b/f (ex?) or not, I dont know where I am.  This, of course, is because of me as well as him.  He made me so angry last week with one of his increasing abusive rages that I also got angry (although I tried hard to keep calm) and left and came home.  This was 8 days ago, since then we have had sporadic contact but he has been mostly almost silent.  I went to his for a coffee during the week and he barley spoke so I came home, he has phoned a couple of times but barely spoken.  I have been very angry and found myself not able to try and 'talk him round'.  One evening he did want to see me but I declined as wanted an early night and again I was still so angry.  Throughout all this my head has been saying for gods sake leave it alone now, but as the week has gone on I have felt myself weakening.  Fri I text him and of course by now he has gone into no reply mode, so I text today and said 'can we see each other this eve'  and I eventually got a reply 'I am off out tonight'.  Now this guy NEVER goes out and the only person I can think of him going out with is always off out on the pull.  Now I am going crazy in my head and have even pathetically resorted to driving by his house, and yes it look very much like hes out.  There would be no point in trying to call him tonight or even text as I am sure he wouldnt answer and then I would feel even worse if that is possible

My question is, why am I feeling like this when he has been repeatedly very abusive to me when he rages, repeatedly been utterly cruel in the personal things he says to me at these times.  Repeatedly told me to leave his house late at night (or I have had to leave to try and be boundaried) Constantly totally selfish and self absorbed not concerned with any of my needs.  There really is not much positive going on in the relationship particularly of late.  But this is really making me feel like I cant cope! 

[kitsch]

Hi Preciousme,

Sorry that you are dealing with the roller coaster ride of emotions. It's hard to feel stable when things turn bad and you don't have much grip or control what is happening - especially if there is a lack of communication or the other partner is avoiding or ignoring.

Maybe it is helpful to know that the pattern of feelings that you are experiencing are normal when you have a push/ pull thing going on or a cycle of abuse. It's impossible to feel stable. This sight has helped me some in when I think I am just at my wits end in that there is always something to read on the boards that takes me out of my own head and see that, wow, some other situations are really intense- more than my life. I know that is not a cure all, but for a few minutes it can help you cope a bit when your head is spinning.

Hang in there. I know for me weekends can be VERY hard because I used to spend so much time with my ex.

[heartandwhole]

Hi preciousme,

I'm sorry you feel so all over the place, I certainly know that feeling, and it's confusing and painful.  It's also very understandable, given the circumstances.  

If you can, take a deep breath, and let yourself feel the feelings.  Your mind will jump all over the place, but you don't have to act on any of these feelings or thoughts.  I know it doesn't seem like it now, but they will pass.  

From Stage 1 of Detachment (on the right side panel ----->

Rather than pushing away the anxiety and fear of losing what you care about, let it come up and breathe into it the same way. And when you're experiencing the hopelessness of actual loss, allow it in.



Hang in there preciousme, I know it's hard.  We are here for you.  

[preciousme]

Thanks so much for these replies.  I did just go with it last night and let my emotions run their course. I eventually calmed down a lot,  my head finally rested in a place where I thought, hey it doesnt actually what he does because by then I had run through in my mind all of the horrible times that I could remember. 

Then I wake up today and he has text me... . give me strength,  I think I am slowly working through this process of detachment but I know I am not there yet.  I guess it will take as long as it takes,  but at least I feel I am moving forward in the right direction even if it is one step forward and two steps back kind of thing. 

This board and the kind and thoughtful replies I receive and reading others stories, many by far more distressing and awful than mine, is a godsend and really helping me slowly find my way forward.  Thank you.

[HealingForMe]

hey preciousme

What you're going through is pretty typical & very difficult. You feel angry, hurt & confused. I'm glad you're here to get support from others in similar situations

I think you need to decide if you want to remain in this r/s. Atm it seems like he has control over that... . not you. I think you should take control. Its unlikely he will change, even if he is in therapy, so you need to decide if this is the kind of r/s you want to be in.

If it is, you need to set strong boundaries & rigidly enforce them. If not, its better to end it sooner than later.

My heart goes out to you. Know that you have the support of people on here, I hope you find clarity & peace. Good luck & stay strong 

[Shimmer moon]

Hi preciousme

My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through... . and it is so difficult. We all stay in this situation for different reasons... . finances, children, guilt, love... .   I think my reasons are because I hate to admit defeat... . and love.

We all stay in the recycling and the relationship for different lengths of time too. It may be our choice, theirs, or a combination.

Be strong. There is no right, or wrong.  Keep busy. Come to the board... . whenever you want. It really helps. Sometimes, I finally fall asleep while reading. Not something I want to do forever. But, it is a bandaid, at times.

You will get through this.

[living in the past]

 you may not realize it but you will be ok, so will i, i know this is a delayed reply but i feel you are doing good, so that must mean so am i, hope that makes sense, hopefull thinking.