Broke NC... very sad/angry... mixed emotions... all over the place. Feel lost

[barbwire911]

I just lost it and I typed a huge long email to my exBWDbf with how I felt so used and this is all his loss more than mine and just to stay away from me from now on and never return ever.  I stated I should have listened to him when he told me he did not deserve me as that was likely the one and only truthful thing he ever said. 

I know I should have stayed NC and will never get responses from him but I go through sadness, anger and I just wanted to let him know he cannot keep coming and going as he wants and just using and then discarding as I have emotions too. I admitted I was hurt and mad and sad but that I will get through it... . somehow.

I work with this guy and even though I requested and got transferred to another floor and unit, I am still feeling waves of emotion. I have been in silent treatment by him for 2 weeks now for God knows what... . it could be one of few things. All of which are very mundane and stupid things that a normal person may stay mad over an hour for but then would speak.

But I also know I was lined up to be replaced by the 16 year old dog walker so that hurts too.

I just started bawling and crying driving home from work and I felt sad and then angry and my last 2 emails (no responses) were decent and civil relating to closure as I thought I would be decent. But inside I have felt nothing but pain and hurt and I thought "screw it. I am an adult and I am going to be honest and tell him how hurt I am and I do not want him thinking he can plan to come back again."  Really... . I could not do this again.  I know it is his loss overall as I am way too good for him but he was promising me he was in therapy and would change etc. Yeah right. And again this time, I think he was worse... the rages, up and down all the time in mood, lies (crazy lies... . almost paranoia and delusions... . things like he got emails from the Bahamas Intelligence Service trying to recruit him?I mean What the heck?), cheating, and push/pull, and just his mood changing over anything... . I could never win.

What a nightmare.  I just feel so awful and mad and sad today... . it alternates.

[living in the past]

Hi,you can start fresh tomorrow,i did today,left a voicemail yesterday with pwbod no response,we have to go though some detachment to get ourselves back,good wishes to you.

[drxap]

Hi barbwire,

It sounds like you are going through some similar feelings that I have gone through. More than anything you want some real closure. If you are like me, you want him to validate your feelings and admit to his wrongdoings against you.

The problem is that they are mentally ill and are incapable of admitting fault. If they could manage that, then they would be able to fix themselves.

You are right to feel sad and angry, as it sounds like you have been through a traumatic experience with him. You do not deserve the abuse and things will get easier eventually if you focus on NC and try not to peak in on his life.

When I stopped looking for my BPD exgf to give me closure, I was finally able to begin healing from the deep hurt and confusion I felt.

[cosmonaut]

Ugh, I know what you mean about the agony of the silent treatment.  It hurts.  BAD.   :'(  My ex was terrible about the silent treatments and I still feel the pain of them.  It's completely normal to be angry to be treated like that.  You don't deserve it.  I wouldn't be hard on yourself for contacting him.  I think you needed to express your anger and hurt.  The silent treatment is abusive, and you don't have to take it.  His disorder doesn't excuse abusive behavior.  It's good that you are setting boundaries and establishing that it is completely unacceptable to treat you like that.

It's likely that he will not respond, so I would try not to expect anything.  If he does respond, it will likely be with guns blazing.  So, try to be ready for that too.  Are you planning to resume NC?  Are you thinking of blocking him so he can't call/text/email?

Hang in there.  Detaching is hard.  It's a process, not an event.  Keep working on YOU.  Keep focused on your health and your happiness.  Keep posting.  It helps.   

[Pecator]

Hey Barbwire,

Living in and drxap are right. NC is a major step in healing. Full disclosure, I am not there yet. But the more I read the closer I get.

My uBPDex has said explicitly that she can not give closure. But admittedly I still try.

A month ago, I sent an email where I casually and kindly mentioned that I knew she was back with my replacement. I told her that I have known for awhile and she could see I wasn't treating her poorly or trying to interfere.

First mistake, outing a pwBPD around something that could cause shame. She fired at me with rage I seldom saw before. It was my fault and I was the awful person because I knew.

A few days latter, it was my birthday. She sent me an email in which she said she thought I deserved to know that she accidentally ran into him, she did not pursue him, and didn't pine for him while we were together (all confirmed lies)

I thought even without closure she could have at least acknowledge she pursued the one person that could cause the most pain. If only she could have put in the email "I know this must be hard for you…"

I have only been on this board a few days and already learned she can't

Remember, as Live in suggests, NC is a process. Be forgiving to yourself. Try every day anew

Glad your here.

[myself]

barbwire,

You have every right to express yourself. The steps you take getting through this are the steps you take getting through this. It may not have been as much about his (unlikely) response, but the release you achieved by letting go of the things you felt to say. We hear ourselves and it helps us change. 

[NoCRV]

Hi Barbwire,

I am sorry you are hurting.  I hope this doesn't come off as harsh but he has no reason reason to respond to you, he is off with the new girl.  So if sending him emails is setting you back because they are falling on deaf ears don't send them for the time being.

I know I should have stayed NC and will never get responses from him but I go through sadness, anger and I just wanted to let him know he cannot keep coming and going as he wants and just using and then discarding as I have emotions too. I admitted I was hurt and mad and sad but that I will get through it... . somehow.

Your closure will come from above in the bold when you start to tell yourself and not him.  Once you turn the focus inward and start working on yourself his input won't really matter.  A couple of questions I have seen other family members ask themselves which helped me were:  Do you trust this person?  Do you see a successful relationship with this person?

Use the silence as an opportunity to be selfish and move on.  Work on things within yourself, start new hobbies, do things that he prevented you from doing while in the relationship.

Be Well

[RecycledNoMore]

Dear barb its ok (( barb))

We all know how hard it is when your left hanging with lack of closure,its painful and confusing and just sad.

Try to see it this way,his actions are showing you who he trully is.

You said it yourself, your too good for him and this is his loss.

You have the power, the ability to learn about yourself and move on.

Dont beat yourself up about breaking NC, sometimes we need to say things, even though we know the response will most likely be silence or rage.I myself have said plenty to my ex, and it all fell on deaf ears- as I knew it would.

Sometimes I got ragefilled disjointed ramblings,which made NC easier on me because he showed me, he showed me who and what he is,mentally ill.

Try to stay focused on you and your ultimate goals barb,you will be ok in time

[Want2know]

I know I should have stayed NC and will never get responses from him but I go through sadness, anger and I just wanted to let him know he cannot keep coming and going as he wants and just using and then discarding as I have emotions too. I admitted I was hurt and mad and sad but that I will get through it... . somehow.

At this point, you sent the letter, done deal - don't beat yourself up over it.  We all want some kind of closure, and as others have mentioned, it's probably going to need to come from within yourself, as you will probably not get it from him.  It's tough, I know. 

Not sure what is going on with my marriage... . in limbo as my spouse wants to work on it and not sure where I stand but I am in therapy and know I have a fear of being alone also so possibly a large reason why I stay in this physically/emotionally disconnected marriage when I should get out logically.

I realize you are still in a marriage that you are not sure about.  It must be very confusing, emotionally, and also may be exacerbating your emotions regarding your pwBPD.  Did you see your ex-pwBPD as a way out of your marriage?

I was in a similar marriage when I met my now ex-pwNPD.  Looking back now, I see I was confused and vulnerable, and that had I been in a healthy state of mind, I probably would have never engaged with him.

Detaching from an ex is hard, but also having to confront your current situation with your husband makes things that much more complex.  What is the status of the relationship with your husband? 

[living in the past]

 Hi,just reading the responses here, and i got reminded the the person with BPD has a SMI-serious mental illness, when i remember that i do ok, when i don"t, i feel hurt by a friend that i think is a normal friend, i have been told here many times that they are not capable of being rational in the normal way a person without this illness can behave, they have there normal moments, then out of the blue we get thrown for a loop, and over time we end up here,affected by a pwBPD, for me geting back to being myself, if i can remember that person,is helped by friend not contacting me as much,and me trying and it is hard , not calling her,it has giving me the time to detach a little,(not obcessed),best wishes to all here .

[Learning_curve74]

A big hug to you barbwire... .  

It's not easy to get over these types of relationships. It's natural to go back and forth between feeling sad and angry: sad that it didn't turn out the way you were hoping and angry that somebody you loved doesn't have the courtesy to respond.

In a way, you needed to get your feelings out about feeling used and wanting him to stay away. That was you focusing on how you feel and what you want. Ultimately that is what puts us on the path to healing: focusing on ourselves, what do we value, what do we want, what is important in our lives, what kind of person do we want to be. And it's okay if we're not yet there, everybody is a work in progress.

I saw what Want2know wrote, and it seems like you are working through some important choices in therapy. Which is a good thing.

Hang in there. 

[barbwire911]

It sounds like you are going through some similar feelings that I have gone through. More than anything you want some real closure. If you are like me, you want him to validate your feelings and admit to his wrongdoings against you.

Yes see this is all I want!

Question: How is it then that when he has done things in the past like yell at me for something, he later apologizes (mind you it was 8 days later) and says 'you did not deserve that treatment so I apologize... . " . I guess to answer that, I guess I was still the "toy" he was interested in or needed so the apology was more to get me to still be there.  I read in that book I HATE YOU-DON'T LEAVE ME that Borderlines often show empathy and can apologize but they use it more as a form of manipulation to achieve something they are after. Otherwise if nothing in it for them, they do not need to show empathy when they have hurt someone.  Gosh, they are so similar to those with NPD.

My marriage is in limbo... . I figure before I even figure that out, I need to deal with this emotional hell I am in where I am angry and then crying. Yesterday at 235am I woke up and I was crying... I must have been crying in my sleep. And then I just started crying on the way to work when I heard that line from the Christina Agulara song "Say Something-I'm giving up on you" as that is how sad I feel. I just feel as if I do not want to give up on this man as we were best friends for a year prior to getting together (we were together off and on for 9 months depending on his bizarre behaviour... . he triangulated me and the wife... . now ex wife so that was why i thought "finally!  He is moving out and divorcing and this is going to work! "  And he actually stated all that too and even bumped up his moving date 3 weeks sooner as he was counting the nights until he could be with me... . and then after the first week of being with me he suddenly decided he needed space, then decided he was mentally ill, then decided he needed to grieve his marriage, then decided he saw in my head I wanted to marry him and no matter what I said, he was convinced he could see this... . despite I never ever said that at all... . I guess that was his feeling of engulfment... . then he came back again but wanted the relationship but did not want to label it and he would say things like "we are just friends now" but he would cook me nice dinners at his house and we would talk all night on the phone and it was just like a relationship.  It was so odd. Like he was scared.  He told me he wanted to slow it down as he felt suffocated the first time... . yet it was him that moved everything at break neck speed... . even he was the one asking where I would like to get married again if we did, etc... . then he turned that around on me... . sound familiar anyone?)

So it is hard. He never showed any of this behaviour when we were friends.  But my spouse and I still live together but it really feels like just a cohabitation as we have been sleeping separately for 4-5 years and only intimate sexually like 10 times in those years.  Part of me thinks it may be good to just move out on my own for like 3-4 months close by into a separate place just to have space and think and see if I even miss my spouse as we are so far apart emotionally and physically.

[Want2know]

But my spouse and I still live together but it really feels like just a cohabitation as we have been sleeping separately for 4-5 years and only intimate sexually like 10 times in those years.  Part of me thinks it may be good to just move out on my own for like 3-4 months close by into a separate place just to have space and think and see if I even miss my spouse as we are so far apart emotionally and physically.

Just starting off with this... . why are you still living with your husband?

Addressing the behavior of your ex-BPD.  I have to assume that he is so lost in regards to what it takes to be in a mutual, balanced relationship, that he is using tactics that a child would use with their mother when they want something and do not know how to express themselves properly.  We've all heard the phrase 'use your words' - sometimes pwBPD cannot use their words, and instead react and behave in a manner to get what they need.

[tinkerbell09]

Hugs to you!... I did the same thing... broke NC. I sympathize with you truly... it was an AWFUL experience for me too... . awful... ssoo awful. It's how I finally found this site and board. I wanted closure too... . and then got sucked in again!

... . Keep keeping on!... It's what I'm trying to do too!... I sympathize with you very much... . I truly do... I'm accepting that the only closure we can get is from ourselves... . they have a mental illness... and there's nothing we can do to help them... we can only help ourselves and just walk away... . keep walking towards the light... walk with me.

[barbwire911]

@Wanttoknow:  Oh I am still living with my spouse in the same house as we were kind of on a "marriage break" as he wanted me to figure out my feelings for the (now ex) BPDbf.  There is nothing normal at all about this situation I realize.  I just do not know what to do... . like we do not talk anymore or even be intimate... . (my spouse and I) so I think that was also a reason what attracted me to my exBPDbf.  He was really attentive at first and very chivalrous and charasmatic, etc. 

And I felt desired and wanted which is the exact from my spouse.  So I think in addition to FOO, that is an issue too.  I feel I should move out and take a few months space on my own just to think as this is all so confusing now and truthfully, I was so enamoured with my exBPDbf I thought he would really be the knight in shining armour he talked about. But he never lived up to his talk at all... . it is so painful as now I hear, in addition to the 16 year old dog walker he is with, he is also moving on with some CTV news reporter... .or trying to chase her down anyways.  They are friends on FB I see and he had always talked to her too when we were together but insisted she was just his friend. Now I do not know what to believe.   I just keep asking myself what if it was me and I am the defective one and really he was a nice guy but I made him mad at me and maybe (although he sounded illogical) maybe he really was logical and it is me that does not understand communication?

I have just never ever had any relationship this crazy so it cannot be me. I have always been told I am a great communicator with alot of empathy for people and their needs and I love animals. No it is not me. It is definitely him and this is 3rd day NC and since I sent that email (the one noted at top of thread) and it still hurts but I have not cried today. But had feelings of confusion and just sadness. It goes up and down.  It is all hard but I just try to say that in one month now I will probably feel alot better. 

I am just so afraid to be alone which I am addressing in therapy.  I am 39 years old and everyone that knows me say I am really attractive (they say i resemble a mix between Brigette Bardot and Claudia Schiffer... . that is a compliment... !) and I am smart and have a great job with good pay and funny and alot of friends (most are married though... . ) but yet i have this crazy fear of being alone. Like what if I never meet any man? I do not want to be alone forever... . but then again I do not want to be in my dead marriage forever either... . but my spouse is such a good guy. So many women would like him. He is giving and loyal but we have just grown so far apart and we do not talk nor sleep together and we are more like companions.  It seems I was always very high or very low with the exBPDbf and was always very low with my spouse.  I need to find some relationship where it is just normal middle ground stuff with not all these extremes... .

[Want2know]

I do not want to be alone forever... . but then again I do not want to be in my dead marriage forever either... . but my spouse is such a good guy. So many women would like him. He is giving and loyal but we have just grown so far apart and we do not talk nor sleep together and we are more like companions.  It seems I was always very high or very low with the exBPDbf and was always very low with my spouse.  I need to find some relationship where it is just normal middle ground stuff with not all these extremes... .

The middle ground is the ideal - excitement and desire, coupled with stability and commitment.  A balance between the two you have been drawn to.  I can relate.

If you are not sure you want to continue on with your husband, in the current state you are in, perhaps a break would help.  I will add this caveat, and granted, it's coming from an outsider, but one who has been in a similar situation, if you leave to take a break, it could be a final goodbye to your husband if you are using the break more for avoiding the reality of what you know is good for you (ie. true introspection) vs. wanting to delve into more situations that mask your lonliness.

Are you truly looking to dig into what you need to in order to make a rational and compassionate decision about your marriage, or are you looking to avoid the pain by creating space to possibly engage with others?

[barbwire911]

@Want2know:  Yes I have thought about that break and it is a good idea... . my T even likes the idea. I am afraid to be alone but my T also explained to me "emotionally" I am alone even right now despite being in a marriage.  Yes I have thought that time away would give me some clarity on what to do... . but what do I do if I do meet someone who wants to take me on a date? Do I make a pact with myself not to go just because I am using self introspection? Maybe I would be passing up my partner of a lifetime... .

For example i was at the gym today at work and my exBPDbf knows I always go at 11am.  Well today he shows up at 11am too. Usually for the past few weeks that he has been silent treatmenting me, he switched his time as we always went together before at 11am.  So he went at different times to avoid me. But today he went right when I went and this was how the last recycle went... . he goes to the gym to suss me out and evaluate potential recycle ability... . he does these weird motions for a few weeks before actually initiating contact.

Anyways some other really good looking guy at the gym was talking to me for 20 minutes at the gym and he seemed really nice and exBPDbf saw this. We got a few evil stares and my ex only worked out for 20 mins before leaving and usually he does 1 hour.  He left right after the guy that was talking to me left. 

So if that nice guy was to even ask me for coffee and I was moved out of my home on a break would I say NO?  I mean not that I am looking for a partner but is it wrong to go and can I not do self introspection at the same time and just tell him I am in no position for a relationship right at that moment or how does this work?

Maybe it would be too confusing to go for coffee then as that adds a third man to this whole bizarre situation.