Hi Pipedreamer, I am so, so sorry to hear you're going through this. This can be unnerving when it hits in the late hours and you're tired and trying to sleep. Let's walk through it.
My dBPDbf has been up and down all week – usually with some period of depression or rage. Last night was the worst out of all of them and probably the worst I have seen him in a very long time. He got very depressed about missing out on a job interview and then he got angry at everything. He becomes almost an uncontrollable beast.
First of all, a rage that goes on for days is a red flag. If you were a "normal" couple, the fight should conclude in 30 minutes. Things would be said that needed to be said, and then it's time to move on. The bf doesn't work that way, because his mind cannot let go of the idea that its all YOUR fault and YOU must be blamed, and repeatedly reminded of this, over, and over, and over... . It's like a dog that can't stop chasing it tail - spinning around on the same point is how he attempts to make himself feel better and absolve himself of any responsibility. Missing a job interview is tough, but life has its ups and downs - we all have good days, and bad days, and that's just part of life. It's called Rolling With The Punches. He is unable to accept that, for reasons that have little to do with you.
I let him have the computer in the loungeroom where I tried (ha ha) to get some sleep in the bedroom. He kept stomping in and out at all hours of the night, each time he came back with more horrible things to say.
Depriving you of your sleep in order to rage at you is extremely bad, and shows lack of concern for your your own needs. This behavior prevents you from getting up in the morning refreshed and able to do your daily tasks. Is that fair? Does that seem fair to you? Does it mean that his raging and anger needs to take a front seat to your need to function as a normal person? Is that something required in a normal relationship balance? (Hint: No, to all of the above.)
He has never in our 14 month relationship called me names, belittled me or told me that he hates me. Last night he was telling me that I had ruined his life and that he’d only pretended to love me and he fantasized about throwing my head up against a brick wall and smashing me.
These comments, even if made in anger, throw up red flags all over the place. Visualizing smashing your head into a wall? Seriously? Wow, that's what I call succinct communication. He seems unstable and unable to control his mood swings. Actually, this is a sign of things to come. After several years you will tire of these tactics/threats and call his bluff (because you do need to sleep after all, right?) and things may get physical. I never thought my H would get physical with me. It took about 3 years into the marriage and he started with it. It happens in slow motion, so you have a hard time seeing what is happening to you, and each time something escalates to something worse, you find yourself wondering "wow... . how it things come to this?" Things to think about.
I tried to validate his anger whilst letting him know that this behaviour is not okay. I was really shocked and not at the top of my game also it was 3am and I haven’t slept properly in weeks!
no no, please don't validate this one. Actually you have done the correct thing by letting know that this is inappropriate anger. And the level of inappropriateness reached went much further than it should have.
Here is what I propose for you: boundaries, firm boundaries. Like:
- you are not allowed to wake me up just to continue your fight. Waking for this purpose = unacceptable.
- fighting and raging at any one person needs to cease after 30 minutes. That's plenty of time to make your "point" and your concerns known.
- Talk of physical violence is a sign that you need help controlling your anger. Automatic timeout from the room (either you or him, preferably you).
I tried to rub his back once to comfort him but he shook me off. We haven’t spoken all day.
I would avoid this, physical touch when he is in this state probably isn't going to feel right to him at that time, and may backfire on you. Wait until things have calmed down, significantly.
Bottom line, your bf needs to get a handle on how to contro lhis own anger and mood swings. That part isn't you, it's him. If you didn't deliberately provoke him, then how could it be your fault? (hint: It's not.)
Wishing you well, and stay safe.
