my seriously paranoid thoughts

[corraline]

There were so many lies and strange behaviors that i couldnt figure out that it brought out so many paranoid behaviors in me

He used to joke that i could have been a cisa agent

I didnt like that part of me that i was operating in

I would constantly be looking for clues

I became hypervigilant and anxious

Sometimes my fear was unfounded and i felt terribly guilty and hated myself for not trusting him but i caught him other times so i felt justified at times too

I would go to his house and look aroundwhen i first got there to see if anything seemed out of place or unusual

Of course there would b and sometimes i would self talk internally to put myself at rrest with my discomfort.  I realized that i could find anything if i looked hard enuff... i could create a story about anything that i saw that seemed different or out of place

But he also liked to bait me at times adding to my suspicion and lots of times my fear that something up was actually up

It was a crazy  way to live

Sometimes i still think about the really weird things he did that didnt add up and wonder but now im not with him i am only left with the past memories and feel  peace in the fact that there arent going to b anymore with him

I also fear that this part of me that got so messed up may come up again if i am in a new relationship. I do own my trust issues with men and have feared betrayal... it happened in my childhood with my mom and dad

I guess its something i have to work on

Mayb the gift of being with a pd person just triggered it more and brought it to my attention more so i have to clear my trauma around my childhood

[Want2know]

I have so many stories of the intel I did based upon my suspicions.  I am so glad that is over.  I am an analyst, at heart, and so when I'm encountered with what I think is suspicious behavior, I want to know why, how and what I can do to neutralize it, or bring out the best in a situation, as well as the truth.

The idea that your fear was unfounded doesn't mean that your instinct was wrong.  Sometimes your gut is telling you something and you choose to ignore it because there are other needs.

Trust is a very hard thing to work with.  Taking a look at the stages of detachment to the right, where do you see yourself right now?

[corraline]

Hey thanks for your reply

I like your perspective about the analyst in you... . im the same

But for me being in that situation messed with that side of me taking it to extreme but i get what you say in regards to trusting my gut... . i guess i knew something was generally wrong overall . Well no kidding ! But i was being told my fears and perceptions were "story" alot of the time unless it was just so blatant that he would pull his victim or projection card .Just because i may have misjudged something doesnt elimate all other possibilities that may have been under my radar and not under my radar

Im doing alot of looking at myself in regards to being committed to my own reality

Accepting and allowing my feelings as valid

And so much more

Lots going on inside

But it took this relationship to show me just how much i need to b where i am now

[growing_wings]

But it took this relationship to show me just how much i need to b where i am now

hi Corraline,

it is good to see you are doing a lot of work on yourself. I ahve done a lot post a breakup... so i relate to what you say above, it took a r/s for you r to know how much you need to be where you are...   this is brave and great to do

keep working

how long you have been out?

[corraline]

5 weeks approx

Stopped counting the days

Mayb thats a good sign

[DB33]

I can so relate to your post.  I would have never considered that my GF would cheat on me, then I was told about her BPD. Upon research and with some snooping I am not proud of I became paranoid too. I found some things out but I was also wrong about things too it seems. My first insecurity developed one year in when she started texting her ex boyfriend ... . Even while we were on dates together. :-/ he was long distance but I viewed it as an emotion affair. Our closeness then began to suffer.

She was on dating sights throughout our 3 yr relationship, feeding on the attention, but to my knowledge not acting upon it. But the signs were always there... . Very secretive with the phone she took everywhere with her.  

The pushing has gotten much larger than the pulling and during the last turning me black phase she made it a point she is now going out on dates.

My relentless need to know what is going on has subsided. I am doing my best to let her go even though I still love her.

[growing_wings]

5 weeks approx

Stopped counting the days

Mayb thats a good sign

defo a good sign... .

i stopped counting too... .

well done on working on yourself... keep moving.