A Heart To Heart With Myself

[Fool for Love]

Ok, I have to admit ... I looked at my exgf FB last week ... we were in a 4 yr relationship until 3 weeks ago and she has already ... in 3 weeks quit her job and moved in with the replacement that i found out she cheated with me on. So ... here i go ... this is what I came up with today... WHY IN THE HECK look at that stuff. You know its going to hurt... they put stuff on there to get a reaction out of you. If you react then they still know you have control. My ex has also been putting stuff on Twitter. I cant block twitter but you have got to have the will power not to look. Is looking going to change HER mind? is it going to help you? I have come along way in 3 weeks... I look at it this way... If I was to break up with someone after 4 yrs ... the last thing I could do is have another relationship in 3 weeks and even after time... if I did start dating ... I would never put stuff so she/he could see it out of respect for someone that I use to love and hold dear to my heat, to what ? rub it in there face? ... stop playing there game... Now... do I want to look... you damn right... just to see if there is a train wreck... but remember ... FB and other social media is pretty much a false hood... you think people would put the impression that they are miserable? I love her ... I miss her... I adored her... but what ever that was that we had... it couldn't have been real if she is already with another guy ... I really think the best is N/C what so ever... don't look, text, email,call or even let them know you exist... . you want to get revenge ? That is the best way... if they get a reaction out o you... they know they still have control... if you go ... POOF ... into the night... they don't know ... they cant see ... they will be going nuts... here is an experiment ... . have a good friend that knows your situation... . have them look at there FB in about 2 weeks... you don't look... and tell them... are they posting poems and stuff that looks like it is meant to hurt me... if your friend says yes... then you know that with your N/C it is working on them... not you...   I know everybody says that they don't think bout you... but think about all the times they are alone for a little while... trust me... their brain is going 100 mph about what they have done... they will ALWAYS suffer ... unlike us... we control our own happiness... their BPD controls them... I have been down in the dumps also... but honestly... do I want a women that I have to be her emotional baby sitter ... . if she gets mad... worry she is going to sleep with some guy... I know its hard... I know the lies hurt... but you have to make yourself happy... LIFE IS TOO SHORT ... . I get better everyday ... . I still hurt... I still even cry sometimes... All of my close friends tell me " You dodged a bullet" ... I dint see that 3 weeks ago... fighting over a cheating girl... begging her to "pick me" ... how stupid... I have more respect for myself than that... I have never been like that before... how many people of the opposite sex are there on this planet... hell ... even in your town... . there is no such thing as a "soul mate" ... you find someone that will RESPECT YOU , GROW WITH YOU , LET YOU BE YOUR OWN PERSON, LOVE YOU and THEMSELVES... I mean hell... healthy relationships mean loving each other ... . not being the person that makes you love... if he wants to go out with the guys or her with the girls... then you should trust... you shouldn't have to be afraid to call your other and say " Hey... . going stop on the way home and have a beer with the guys" ... . you shouldn't have to be sick because you know if you call her and tell her that... that she will freak out... . " WHAT ABOUT ME" , "YOU DON'T LOVE ME" " I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU ALL DAY" " WHAT IF YOU FIND ANOTHER WOMEN" ... . I men think about it! The list goes on forever ! THAT IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP ! I have been one ... I know... . Guys/girls... I know its tough to have someone that made you soo happy at times... but a relationship should be like a steady line of calm and peace... I know nothing is not perfect... and there are problems in a healthy relationship... but damn... it shouldn't look like a MONSTER ROLLER COASTER all the time... I thought about this today... . her life has always been chaos... drama... with friends and family... just cause she portrays to be happy right now... do you really think that she will just change on her own... HELL NO... and you know what... if the replacement works for her ... and they live life happy... you will be too... because don't forget ... you loved that person so much at one time... and if you truly did love that person... then wish them the best... she did me wrong... really wrong... it hurts ... but I can not change that... all I can do is change me and how it effects me... and yes... right now I am tearing up as I write this... because I have to let her go... I don't want her back... it would never be the same as it was when she put me on top of the mountain... it would just be a cycle of crap... because once they "feel they where hurt" it never goes away... they don't look at things in the middle of ... "I know he didn't mean to hurt me"  and talk it out and change the actions. They look at " I cant trust this person again" with my feelings ... you could be on the best behavior ... and do nothing wrong... but something will creep into their head... and they will make something wrong... they cant help it... and I hope one day... she will be happy... but I truly think she is not capable... because those ghost ; child abuse , past relationships . mother problems and the things that she has just cause will always haunt her... I wish her the best and I still love her ... . but I have to let go ... move on... be happy...

Thank you guys for letting me vent ... this board has helped me in so many ways... I have a ways to go... but I get there...  

[seeking balance]

wow!

The next time you think about reading twitter or her FB - read this instead - it should do the trick 

We do our best and it is a process - accepting this is just going to take some time is a good strategy.

This was quite the productive vent  FfL 

Peace,

SB

[Madison66]

Fool for Love,

What you wrote is real and raw, and I give you all the credit in the world for posting it here.  Keep coming here even when you feel like responding to your ex gf.  I'm 100 days out and I learned a big lesson about a month ago when I responded with some anger.  I should have posted here first to get it out of my system and to illicit some feedback, but in the end what I did was real and I needed to get it out of my system.  Keep expressing your feelings and thoughts.  Again, they are real and raw and part of the healing process. 

One thing that I learned that has been so empowering to me is that I'm in control of me.  I allowed myself to stay in the r/s and I allowed my uNPD ex gf to emotionally abuse me.  So, this is really now about me and my life and no longer about hers.  Extract every bit of wisdom from the pain, the anger, the sadness and the slop!  You'll emerge from this a stronger, healthier person.  You will be happy the chaos and unhealthiness is out of your life.  And, as Ed Roland of Collective Soul sings on "Better Now", "it's time to celebrate me!"

[guitargrl]

Thank you Fool for love! I needed to hear that tonight!

[Take2]

I second that... . good one... . and I too needed that tonight... . !

[Fool for Love]

wow!

The next time you think about reading twitter or her FB - read this instead - it should do the trick 

We do our best and it is a process - accepting this is just going to take some time is a good strategy.

This was quite the productive vent  FfL 

Peace,

SB

Seeking Balance , I understand it is a process ... . I am going through that process... . This is the women that said I was "her soul mate " "the only man for me " " her handsome" "her one and only true love " ... . Guess what she was putting on her FB ? The same exact damn words ... About him ... Her FB use to be private ... . but then all of a sudden it's open to the public ? She did that to hurt me ... . Hurt me ... . now listen ... . I have had some people do some crappy stuff to me thru out my life ... . Even people I didn't love ... . I would NEVER set out to destroy them... especially a women that I once cherished ... Even if it ended bad ... . I have read so many people on her go thru the same BS and even worse than me ... . We don't know why they do it , we will never know ... Now if you want to save the relationship and put up with that ... more power to any body that can ... . I read the "undecided" board ... . and the stuff we put up with is nonsense ... . Like I said... . I loved the person I thought she was more than ever loved anybody but my son... . But apparently she is not that one ... . during the "busted" cheating part... . she told me it was because of a fight we had ... . I actually told her that I was sorry that I put her in that position ... . That I was sorry ! What kinda crazy BS is that... . She begged me to come back to her ... . said I can't be alone ... . please come here to me ... . I love you ... . I am sorry ... . then 3 days later asked me to leave for me to find out 1 day after that her other guy was there ... . no person should have to put up with that nonsense ... . NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING TO YOU THAT YOU DO NOT ALLOW as far as love , emotional pain and hurt... .   That my friends is not love ... . that's abuse ... . Mental ... Emotional ... . I would rather have stability IN A LOVER any day ... . Then ROLLER COASTER BEST SEX FEED YOUR OWN EGO EMOTIONAL LOVE FLIP OUT CHEATING  WALKING ON  EGGSHELLS LOVE CHAOS DRAMA LYING ... . I know what we have been through is not fair ... . no one guaranteed life would be far ... . it sucks ... . but I have to respect myself ... . Because apparently she never did ... . and never will because of her illness ... .

Thanks again for listing  

[barbwire911]

Amazing post and insight... . I broke 3 days of NC yesterday by emailing my exBPDbf to just stay away from me and how much he hurt me, etc. And I felt down about it but I resumed my NC journey today and your words are an inspiration to keep going in between the anger, pain and tears I feel and shed. Thanks so much... I am going to read that piece when I feel weak... .

[arn131arn]

Absolutely. Loved. This.

Once you decide to go down this road, you realize it's all about you, man. And you give up the damage, the baggage, and in allot of ways the pain, bro. Like hiking up a mountain with a big old bag of clothes, food, and supplies. You only need to get to this lodge, right? It's cold, you can see it, smoke is coming from the chimney, and you can smell the food, and your so damn tired.

When you drop that damn backpack, you drop her. You drop everything about her. The pain, the embarrassment, the anger, and the hope. What we're left with is us.

What I thought I was after 14 years, is nothing I know I am today. My son's mother did the whole FB thing to me too, X mas, New Year's, V's day almost killed me, as well. My former fiancée found my replacement in less than a week. It screams of desperation, it screams of not being good enough, it screams of Immaturity.  But what we scream when we drop that damn backpack so we can get to that lodge and save ourselves, what we scream is "I am good enough, I am stronger than I thought, and I am willing to look at me."

I said this before, and I will say it again. I know I can never be this woman ever again, but I will always love her. I am okay with that self-awareness, but no one will ever be more important to me, then me.

Keep walking the road, you will be amazed at what you find... . the ability to save yourself.

That I promise.

[seeking balance]

This is the women that said I was "her soul mate " "the only man for me " " her handsome" "her one and only true love " ... .

maybe it is time for a new definition of soul mate... .



“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... . ”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Maybe she was your soul mate ... . smacking you awake perhaps?

[arn131arn]

Really good stuff there SB!

Yes, then she was my soulmate

Glad I found her. Took too long, but better late than never

Thanks for posting that

[Take2]

Wow Seeking Balance that is certainly food for thought... . !