Coming back to the community: Could use some helpful guidance

[KateB]

Hi everyone,

I used this board a lot more several years ago, right around the time I really went NC with my uBPD mother. We've essentially been NC for the better part of four years now, with I think only two brief exceptions when I did try to slowly bring her back into my life (only to have that effort go down in flames). Really glad to come back to the community!

Very long story short: My mother refuses to go to therapy, only surrounds her self with people who can fully enable her, and on top of it all, abuses prescription drugs like pain meds and anxiety pills. Since going NC, I have felt truly free and happy to move on with my life without the stress, fear, and pressure of having to be a part of her instability and mood swings.

I started going back to therapy about a year ago so I could work on my feelings about being NC with my mother for so long, who would still occasionally send a birthday or holiday card, but generally also didn't contact me. And, of course, to benefit from all the other things therapy is for, .

But, this past holiday season was a little different. My mom first sent me a note at Christmas telling me that she feels like life is too short not to be talking and that she'd like to hear from me. Nothing was particularly different in the note, it was still riddled with tragic updates about her life and I didn't feel compelled to give it much more thought than I had any of the other notes she's sent over the years.

Then in February, she called and left a record-short voicemail that just said "I love you" and basically that's it. It was out of character, since she usually prefers very LONG messages, but didn't ask me to return the call, so I let it go.

Now, just a few days ago, I got another call. This one was a bit longer, telling me that she was going to send me an email, and that she feels like we need to put all our "differences behind us" and "move forward together" to be "the mother and daughter we are supposed to be". She also offered to drive halfway to meet me in person, said she's never going to "give up on me" and hopes if she tries, then she hopes I can try too.

UGH. There's so much that's triggering me about this call. (I should "try"? Seriously? What did you call the 7 years of me begging you to work this out with me before NC?)

Both times I broke our NC was due to this same tune she was singing. Nothing was different, she did ZERO work on herself, and she just wants to forget the past to move forward. And like clockwork, 2-4 months later, she's screaming at me that I am a terrible person who doesn't care about her because it took me a week to return her call.

I told myself that the only way I would even consider having her back in my life would be if it was mediated by a therapist. I need a buffer and someone to back me up, and there's no one left in our mutual lives who can do that. And I would want to have a safe place where I could say things like, even if we find closure and acceptance through therapy, I may still not want her in my life.

But if I am being truly honest with myself, I would be doing it FOR HER. I don't have a burning desire to work things out with her right now. And if I am being brutally honest with myself, I don't think I even love her anymore. I have a lot of sympathy for her and would like to see her find happiness, but I don't want to be responsible for it anymore.

She doesn't have anyone in her life other than her husband, and I know reconciling with me would be a really big deal for her. But it would come at a massive financial and emotional cost to me. I would have to find the therapist, find a way to get to the therapy (I live in a big city about 2 hours away from her and don't have a car), find a way to get HER to therapy, PAY for the therapy. And that's just the time and money. Forget what I would be dealing with emotionally having her back in my life. I'd have to keep paying my current therapist just to deal with that.

If I keep ignoring her, or tell her flat out I can't reconcile with her (at least right now), I will be faced with some pretty serious guilt (FOG is still heavy with this one, for sure) and doubts whether that's the right thing to do.

If I go down this road to reconciliation, it will be exhausting, and if the last decade has been any indication, it isn't likely to work out no matter how much effort I put into it.

So, I guess my point to this very long (and obviously therapeutic) post is to get some advice from this incredible community about how others have dealt with similar conflicts or dilemmas with their own BPD family members.

Thanks so much for your support and guidance!

[PrettyPlease]

So, I guess my point to this very long (and obviously therapeutic) post is to get some advice from this incredible community about how others have dealt with similar conflicts or dilemmas with their own BPD family members.

Hi KateB

I'm not sure if my situation was similar enough for the parallels to be useful, so take from it what you will.

I moved away from my parents because as a team they were crazy-making; undiagnosed, but I think my father a true NPD and my mother a form of BPD. There was sexual abuse of a sibling, never openly acknowledged.

Here's the part that might be parallel: my mother kept initiating contact, even after my father died, and I had it in my mind that the only way I could do that was to have a professional therapist or family councilor there, as we worked through the serious family issues.

But I never got as far as outright saying that to her, in so many words. Instead, on two or three occasions I investigated the possibility by talking to her obliquely, tangentially, about therapists, and by hinting broadly about the main issue (the sexual abuse) and how there were things I needed to work out about that before I could be comfortable having a relationship.

She avoided the sexual abuse issue and rejected the therapist idea, both without us needing to talk about any details (as usual she was good at this avoidance -- denial seemed to come naturally to her, about anything she didn't want to deal with).

So, in her final years, I was left with this question: she seems to be rejecting the terms that I require to re-engage. Is that enough? Or shall I push her, and make absolutely sure by talking about both things openly and saying what I need to have done?

I decided against this. And after her death (which happened while I was far away) I've fought the question again in my mind, and felt some remorse -- maybe I didn't give her a chance, maybe I could have been there to help her near the end, maybe she wouldn't have died for years if I'd been there, etc.

But most of the time, and right now, I'm of the mind: no. It was a sick situation, I did what I had to do to get away, I did what I had to do to maintain my sanity while away, and I had reasonable boundaries for what I'd require to re-enter the maelstrom. I think the hinting, and her deflections, was the right course, all things considered. (If she couldn't accept those, then asking her directly probably would have been worse.)

As I said, I don't know if any of this will be useful, but it's therapeutic for me to be able to say it.    

[AnnieSurvivor]

I see some similarities in our situations, so thought I would say hello.  I am not NC with my mom, although in many ways I think it would be so much easier.  I am LC by "society's" standards as I speak to her about once a month and don't see her more than once or twice a year.  I definitely understand your statement of "wanting her to find happiness... . but not sure if you love her."  I feel the same way and have only admitted it to my therapist.

That said, quite honestly I read your message and perhaps I am projecting a bit, but what I read is someone who doesn't want to open this rat's nest again.  It is so hard with the FOG issues... . but if she has not done the work, and probably can't do the work, then I think it sounds like you have done the best you can do. 

[Lights]

This sounds soo similar.  Before going NC with my uBPDmom, i had emailed her and said that I thought we needed to talk with a family counselor because I did not think that she was hearing what I was trying to say to her.  Drama, drama, drama, but then she agreed to do it.  We were living very far apart and I asked her to choose a counselor (so she could not accuse me of influencing the counselor or something) and we did everything by phone.  Of course, in the end, when the counselor did not agree with her, it turned dramatic and she ended it all with a giant tantrum... . But that made things really clear to me and it was incredibly validating to have a neutral third party "present" to say things that were obvious to anyone who isn't BPD, and to have the role of behavioral referee, so I could focus on what I needed to hear and say.  It is just an idea, instead of having to drive.  Perhaps things would work out better for you two than it did for us, but any rate, it will make things clearer.

[KateB]

Thank you all for the great and super helpful responses. Sometimes it's half the battle to be reminded you aren't the only person going through these kinds of struggles and you're not a terrible person for being conflicted about all this.

I intend to process a lot of this with my therapist tomorrow (thank god for weekly therapy). I think I am leaning towards not doing all this work with her, at least right now, but perhaps just telling her via email that if we were to reconcile it would need to be mediated. I am really intrigued by the idea of doing it over the phone, so travel and other financial burdens wouldn't be as big a factor. But I am still dubious of the fact that anything would actually change if she hasn't done any actual work on her own.

Again, thank you all!