30 years marriage, finally had to get out

[nursemyBPD]

 Haven't posted in quite awhile, but I have finally had to make the necessary ending to my 30yr marriage to my UBPDh! I can't say it was easy, but I am getting through. Emotionally I've had my ups & downs, but I know the feeling of relief is within reach. It has only been 3 months since I moved out.

    Friends say that I will soon feel a heavy burden lifted & there are many days & circumstances that feel that way in the overall scheme of things. As much as I deny my confusing feelings of betrayal, rejection, being replaced already,  disrespect, hurt, anger,  self pity and sadness, I know that it was the best thing to do under the circumstances. Years of setting boundaries in love, had little effect. I recognize this confusion is a normal part of the process, and I have leaned on my Faith in God during these struggles. I know I am going to be okay. Just wanted to update you all as encouragement that it is NEVER to late to take necessary steps to have the life you deserve.  Basic human decency, is a RIGHT, not an option. Stay strong, as you make your OWN decision that is best for your circumstances. Much Love to all of you for the support in your stories. 

[Want2know]

So sorry you are going through this - what was the straw that made you file the papers?  I read some of your older posts and it seems you have been grappling with this for a while.

Are you still living together?

[mywifecrazy]

Haven't posted in quite awhile, but I have finally had to make the necessary ending to my 30yr marriage to my UBPDh! I can't say it was easy, but I am getting through. Emotionally I've had my ups & downs, but I know the feeling of relief is within reach. It has only been 3 months since I moved out.

I recognize this confusion is a normal part of the process, and I have leaned on my Faith in God during these struggles. I know I am going to be okay.

Amen!

It has been my faith in God that has seen me through the mess of my 18yr marriage coming crashing down in the blink of an eye. I would SHUTTER to think where I would be at this moment if I didn't cry out to God and put it all into his hands. I honestly think I would be in jail for assaulting my neighbor (my uBPDxw new r/s... victim) and my kids heads would be REALLY messed up. It's still very much a struggle at times and I still have moments of weakness and doubt but there are also times when I feel peace like I've never felt in my life as God is comforting me letting me know that everything will be OK.

Keep leaning on God my sister. Google and listen to the song Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns. It was a source of encouragement for me, maybe it will be for you too.

EVERYTHING WILL BE OK!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi nursemyBPD, I admire your courage and willingness to make a change after a 30-year marriage to your Ex.  In my case, it was a 16-year marriage, which is about half as long as yours.  Yet, as you say, it is never too late to make a change and we all deserve to be happy, which is extremely difficult in a marriage to a pwBPD.  You are on a path towards a more loving and peaceful life, so hang in there.  LuckyJim

[FigureIt]

I was already unhappily married to someone for 9yrs. and got divorced.  I met my uBPDbf 3yrs. ago and in the past 6mo. have realized that he has BPD, but I can't continue to endure the poor treatment.  The irrational accusations, the mean comments, etc.  I left one marriage to find happiness and have not.  So now I am planning my departure (since we own a home together) to be at the end of the school year as to not upset my little girl's life too much.  I need to find strength to get through these next 3 months for I know he will bring it all at me.

[HealingForMe]

I have finally had to make the necessary ending to my 30yr marriage to my UBPDh! I can't say it was easy, but I am getting through. Emotionally I've had my ups & downs, but I know the feeling of relief is within reach. It has only been 3 months since I moved out.

   

Basic human decency, is a RIGHT, not an option. Stay strong, as you make your OWN decision that is best for your circumstances. Much Love to all of you for the support in your stories. 

I'm sorry you've gone through so much for so long, but happy you finally have a new peaceful direction to take. Yes Basic human decency, is a RIGHT, not an option, no-one should settle for less... .

So now I am planning my departure (since we own a home together) to be at the end of the school year as to not upset my little girl's life too much.  I need to find strength to get through these next 3 months for I know he will bring it all at me.

You're doing whats best for you & your daughter. Good luck, I hope the next 3 months go by easily & stay strong

[nursemyBPD]

Thanks everyone, the positive feedback is appreciated!    Of importance is that I began my healing & detaching with love, months before having the courage to deliver the consequences of constant boundary breaking. Several years ago I began slowly setting boundaries, yet allowed stretching of those boundaries, more times than I care to admit. I finally began to stand by my boundaries and as suspected he pushed back harder on them, and it enventually led to the ultimate boundary consequence of our separation. True to BPD traits it seems that he began to push me away before I could leave, I think I have said this in previous posts, but he frequently would make angry statements of wanting to call it quits, and that he was done, he wanted out. 

    The final straw, for me came, following months of his more intense and personal verbal attacks and constant emotional abuse, that I soon learned included an emotional affair with one of our employees. During one of his gas lighting  tirades he again said he wanted to call it quits, that he was done, THIS TIME, for the first time ever! I verbally said okay lets do it. He almost immediately began to back pedal, saying he needed more time to get his affairs in order that we could separate in a few months etc. we did this dance a few months more, and I continually tried to reach for reconciliation, again asking for us to attend marriage counseling and/or personal counseling, I wrote him sincere letters, emails & attempts of face to face conversations, all with zero effect, on his willingness to not only work on our marriage but to acknowledge ANY responsibility for HIS part on the recovery process, LET ALONE, past conflicts. So I finally knew that without ANY signs of desire to fix our relationship that not ONE more COMPROMISE or CONFORMING, nor HOPE, NOR  DREAM, was going to fix it, and I CHOOSE not to live in this conflict any longer. Part of me wanted him to be "shocked into reality" so I lingered a while longer in packing and finding alternate living situations, and yet he remained the same, conflict increased, manipulation, and blamed flowed, and upon finally moving out of our home, he began the typical, slander campaign, that was almost as quickly shut down by family & mutual friends.

         It has been 4 months now and we are basically no contact, except an occasional text about business or tax issues.  As I see it, we both need to heal, and my daily payers include healing of his mind, whether through divine intervention, conventional mental health treatment or a combination of both, as the Love for the father of my children is still present.

        I would encourage all in similar situations especially those in long term relationships to work on YOURSELF first, even while going through it, get stronger, and see more clearly before you make your own decision. The more Healthy you are , the more you can make healthy decisions that LAST! Clarity feels good!