Anger questions

[Depression = 72% of members]

The simplified version of my story is a 4-year relationship with uBPDxgf, with multiple recycles.  The beginning of the end was an abandonment by her last November, almost 4 1/2 months ago, with a final goodbye issued about a month ago.  No contact since then.   The relationship had standard markers like many relationships described here:

--idealization/devaluation cycles (I was great, then I was bad)

--walking on eggshells (never knowing what might trigger an outburst)

--triangulation (I cycled from rescuer to persecutor, and she brought in other people to the mix as rescuers)

--engulfment (on both of our parts)

--reactivity (on both of our parts)

--enmeshment (on both of our parts)

Near the end, it was clear that I triggered the disorder in her.  She split me black, smeared me, and created a triangle where I was the persecutor, and others became "rescuers." She even said, "No matter how much I want to come back, I can't because I could not face the people who said I need to leave."  Ultimately, it was easier for her to abandon and say goodbye.

Intellectually, I'm grateful it ended.   The relationship was filled with drama.   In many ways, it sucked the life (and my own sense of self) out of me.   

Of course, my heart is struggling to keep up with my head.   Anger is the emotion I wrestle with now and, from what I've read, "anger" is a cover up emotion.   I think, if I'm honest with myself, the anger masks the deep rejection and shame I feel about the relationship.   

When I think of her, my "gut reaction" is "get the f-- out of my head... . "   I've blocked every avenue of access (because, in the past, I'd get "miss you" texts in the middle of the night) except where ever she lives in my heart.   I am trying to feel "safe" within myself, and the anger disrupts my balance.

Any thoughts on processing anger, and releasing yourself from emotional memories of the other person?   I'd like to accept that she's gone, that I'm okay, and that I can start resolving FOO attachment issues, but some days I get hung up in the anger.

[LettingGo14]

The simplified version of my story is a 4-year relationship with uBPDxgf, with multiple recycles.  The beginning of the end was an abandonment by her last November, almost 4 1/2 months ago, with a final goodbye issued about a month ago.  No contact since then.   The relationship had standard markers like many relationships described here:

--idealization/devaluation cycles (I was great, then I was bad)

--walking on eggshells (never knowing what might trigger an outburst)

--triangulation (I cycled from rescuer to persecutor, and she brought in other people to the mix as rescuers)

--engulfment (on both of our parts)

--reactivity (on both of our parts)

--enmeshment (on both of our parts)

Near the end, it was clear that I triggered the disorder in her.  She split me black, smeared me, and created a triangle where I was the persecutor, and others became "rescuers." She even said, "No matter how much I want to come back, I can't because I could not face the people who said I need to leave."  Ultimately, it was easier for her to abandon and say goodbye.

Intellectually, I'm grateful it ended.   The relationship was filled with drama.   In many ways, it sucked the life (and my own sense of self) out of me.   

Of course, my heart is struggling to keep up with my head.   Anger is the emotion I wrestle with now and, from what I've read, "anger" is a cover up emotion.   I think, if I'm honest with myself, the anger masks the deep rejection and shame I feel about the relationship.   

When I think of her, my "gut reaction" is "get the f-- out of my head... . "   I've blocked every avenue of access (because, in the past, I'd get "miss you" texts in the middle of the night) except where ever she lives in my heart.   I am trying to feel "safe" within myself, and the anger disrupts my balance.

Any thoughts on processing anger, and releasing yourself from emotional memories of the other person?   I'd like to accept that she's gone, that I'm okay, and that I can start resolving FOO attachment issues, but some days I get hung up in the anger.

[seeking balance]

Good question LettingGo.

Anger is my "go to" emotion.  It was allowed as a child (no tears) so I was very comfortable there, but it is not a great place to live.

Anger does have it's place - it moves us to action many times, this is good.  I think it is important to not judge anger or even make it be something it is no ready to be... . letting go of it can take some time.

My T said anger is a mask for pain - but like most masks, the longer you wear it the more familiar it is.  The things that help me process it are actually leaning into it.  Letting myself get pissed (in a controlled way, not acting out) - write or have the conversations to myself of what piss me off, extreme exercise (hiking, hot yoga, something really physical), eventually the tears will come.  I don't try to get over it quickly - I let them flow, lean harder into them -gut wrenching is the word that comes to mind. 

When it passes (in the beginning this was hours, now not much time at all) Focus on gratitude for what I have, for my emotions and drink warm tea, something soothing, but healthy.

You had a 4 year relationship - if she literally died - you would not expect yourself to be over it in 4 months - anger really is a part of grief and this relationship deserves the time it takes to grieve.

As you lean into the anger/pain and think of her, during the tears, try thinking other times you felt this way in childhood.  This allows you to cry those tears too - kinda like getting 2 for 1.

It doesn't last forever, but when we first start processing this unresolved anger/hurt it certainly is exhausting. 

Hang in there,

SB

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for your thoughts, SB.   I very much appreciate.

"Gut wrenching" is something I've always tried to avoid, but "piercing the armor" is something I need to do here.   When I remove the "mask" of anger, I'm sitting with hurt and shame. I'm also vulnerable (which is something I avoided for a long time too).

I have had moments with tears over the past year, but these are rare.  I'm going to keep digging and see if I can connect with FOO.

Thanks for being here, SB.

[seeking balance]

"Gut wrenching" is something I've always tried to avoid, but "piercing the armor" is something I need to do here. 

I wish gut wrenching wasn't where I had to go for the anger to move away - but leaning into it was what it took for me... . not fun or pretty, but when I gave into it - it helped tremendously.

[Turkish]

My T said anger is a mask for pain -

I heard this a long time ago. After one of her episodes, I asked my uBPDx about this. She said that yes, it was. When she was angry, she said she wanted everyone else to feel her pain.

It's healthy to be angry for a while, though not to take it out on others as our SOs did or do. Is there a healthy way to have an anger extinction burst without hurting ourselves or others? Or does it just fade with time by confronting our pain head on, the source of our anger?

[maxen]

i have a good opinion of anger. it may be the way that pain or rejection or shame expresses (it's no mask), but it's the right reaction to have. it's a signal of fundamental self-worth: i've been degraded and i reject the degradation. if you didn't feel angry at the way you were treated by your ex (and i by mine) i'd worry. my T has actually asked me why i haven't been smashing things in my apartment. she suggested bookshelves.

imo as people integrate the experience into their understanding of their lives the anger will subside. we should all examine FOO issues and how they linger - it's all i do in therapy anymore. but don't get hung up about being in the anger. you should be feeling it. it's not a thing to discredit or to be avoided, it's a necessary part of the recovery.

[shatteredheart]

except where ever she lives in my heart.   I am trying to feel "safe" within myself, and the anger disrupts my balance.

Any thoughts on processing anger, and releasing yourself from emotional memories of the other person?   I'd like to accept that she's gone, that I'm okay, and that I can start resolving FOO attachment issues, but some days I get hung up in the anger.

I am feeling the same way... . Rotating between anger and sadness. I think I  haven't fully accepted the person or relationship wasn't really what it seemed to be, that it never would have been what I was led to believe it would be or what I dreamed it would be. I get caught up on words that were said... . programmed actually ( repeated 100's of times to me)  into my brain. That makes me question the finality of the end of the relationship, but also my own judgement. I don't have any advice, I'm just agreeing with you, I feel the same way and can't seem to let go of the image , thoughts & love I have in my heart and mind.  Even though I am angry as a hornet!

[goldylamont]

I am feeling the same way... . Rotating between anger and sadness. I think I  haven't fully accepted the person or relationship wasn't really what it seemed to be, that it never would have been what I was led to believe it would be or what I dreamed it would be. I get caught up on words that were said... . programmed actually ( repeated 100's of times to me)  into my brain. That makes me question the finality of the end of the relationship, but also my own judgement. I don't have any advice, I'm just agreeing with you, I feel the same way and can't seem to let go of the image , thoughts & love I have in my heart and mind.  Even though I am angry as a hornet!

anger is the emotion we have that sets boundaries for us and tries to get us to behave in ways that makes us safe. anger says "you will *not* treat me like this" and "you will *not* hurt me again".

shatteredheart you mention "I think I  haven't fully accepted the person or relationship wasn't really what it seemed to be" << right. so this is *why* you are angry. because sometimes all of us slip into thinking that this person was actually good for us, our anger arises to say "hell NO they are NOT good for you!" Oddly enough i think when we are able to fully accept this person for all of their evils, our anger will go away--because it's no longer needed to protect you from this person.

At this point if this person still "lives in your heart" then basically they still have a power over you and can continue to hurt you. So, get them out of your heart and your anger won't have to swoop in and remind you that they shouldn't have a place reserved for them there.

I don't think the Anger is covering up anything, I think it has a message that we are holding onto beliefs (like "I still love her/him" that are poisonous to our growth.

Sometimes we will need to work to "let go" of this false attachment, other times we will need to actively work to destroy it (depending on our mood). Once the attachment is removed then the Anger won't be there because it doesn't need to be--this person is no longer a threat to our psyche.

[Clearmind]

Often when we are not comfortable with anger it's because we were not permitted to express it as kids.

Anger is a natural reaction to what you have been through. Anger helps us make decisions.

Once anger subsides it's balanced out with more self empathy and compassion.

If you beat yourself up over the emotion you are feeling process the reason behind it not the emotion itself.

[LettingGo14]

At this point if this person still "lives in your heart" then basically they still have a power over you and can continue to hurt you. So, get them out of your heart and your anger won't have to swoop in and remind you that they shouldn't have a place reserved for them there.

Thank you for writing; this this insight hits home.   I have imagined taking hooks out of my heart as a way to internalize this point.   I have tried to get my "cognitive" brain to gain control of my "emotional" brain.  But I also realize that there's a lot of "stuff" in my unconscious (emotions) that keeps me "hooked."   

I don't think the Anger is covering up anything, I think it has a message that we are holding onto beliefs (like "I still love her/him" that are poisonous to our growth.

Sometimes we will need to work to "let go" of this false attachment, other times we will need to actively work to destroy it (depending on our mood). Once the attachment is removed then the Anger won't be there because it doesn't need to be--this person is no longer a threat to our psyche.

Yes, I agree that detachment is essential.  I very much appreciate your insight.  Thank you.

[Cimbaruns]

LGo

I think my anger definately stems from my heart being hung up with my head... .

My logical brain tells me that the r/s was never what I thought it was ... . it tells me that it's not healthy to be emeshed with someone that cannot truly love me as love should be... . it tells me a million times over that although I couldn't see it , ... . because I was in the FOG mode... . I needed it to be over and I needed to recognize it would never work... . EVER.

BUT ALAS... . my heart is held captive... . hooked as someone said here... . full of surface wounds from what "our love" appeared to be... . wounded... . bleeding... . aching... . For something that was false and unattainable... .

I remember telling her once after a breakup... . " You took my heart and you held it and then stomped all over it!"... . "You wounded it and it would never be the same"

YET... . because I couldn't yet understand that I Too had core issues... . I returned to her more than once and kept riding the merry go round... . not yet ready to get off myself!

So my logical brain now... . is so very angry at why I did all of this... . why did I ride... . why did I stay and put up with the raging... . the manipulation... the threats of suicide... . why why why

The underlying anger... . well ... . is the emotion covering ALL OF THAT... . All that the years and years of my refusing to work on me maybe... . refusing to accept that None of this "ever was really what I wanted it to be."

Angry with myself... . yes yes yes...

So Acceptance is a work in progress for me... . I thought I may have worked through most of that... . but I am beginning to see... . that now... . I really haven't fully gotten there!

Anyone else get this?

I guess my underlying emotion is ... . accepting the something that NEVER was... . So hard