i still have these little fantasies

[corraline]

This morning i miss him

Miss him all of the time

I miss my best friend

I want to share with him what ive been going thru believe it or not

I want to tell him the things im understanding about myself , the good and the bad

I feel very sad

But i understand i cant .  Its not healthy so i share on here

Its safer for me to do so

So my fantasy i just had was...

He will show up here and we will have an amazing heart to heart.

We will both acknowledge our part and make a committment to work things thru.

He will tell me he needed to break up with me cause he went into fear and couldnt handle it all.

I would say im sorry that i couldnt either and apologize for my crazy reactions and fear too.

This has happened before... . about a year ago and actually it happened more times than that

But it always led back to more dysfunction and pain

It just got worse everytime

But im not finding him coming back and doing this again

Ive heard nothing for almost 3 weeks

I gotta keep my head on straight here and live in reality

All of the recycling attempts never worked out for us at all

Sure they felt good for a bit

Im going to a jewellery workshop tnite

My first endeavor to start something new

Im excited but scared ill find a way to stay isolated in my misery at home tnite

Gosh i sound pathetic...

I used to be very creative... i can b again

I went to bed relatively early last nite and did my best to go back to sleep this morning when i did my usual waking up at 5 am so i didnt feel so exhausted tnite that i couldnt go

Anyhow wish me luck that i get my butt out of the house

I am an expert at isolating especially right now cause im depressed

I do work all week so im not totally caving 100 percent of the time

Thanks for listening

[momtara]

Boy do I understand.

So easy to miss the good parts of them. 

So confusing when you really know there's a good person deep inside them, but they can't stamp out that other cruel person.

I understand.

[corraline]

Yah... .

And i wonder as i learn about BPD if the good part was  a fantasy too

Was this just a false front to a life that was riddled with shame ?

I saw his pain... .   i had many experiences of joy and intimacy with him too.He would have to have been a first class actor to play a part like that.

Mayb he was ... . mayb he wasnt and i just have too not go back into what was real or not

I made myself crazy trying to figure it out

[Paul M]

It's normal to feel like this

Our emotions are healthy and normal

There's are not

I have the same thoughts and wrestle with them daily to.

I know my ex is a nice person but is messed up and that's not something i can change.

One day she will relise maybe

Then she will hurt

And it will be too late

You deserve a healthy loving relationship and you will get there eventually.

It may take time and sometimes it's lonely when friends are with there partners etc

I wish you all the best I'm nearly 6 wk nc and even though I have these thoughts I know it will never work or be the same even if she rang me now begging forgiveness

All the best life is bigger than these nutters although it don't seem like it sometimes

[momtara]

I don't think those emotions are fake.  Not everyone is the same.  I know that my exH had moments when he acted unselfishly and did things out of love.  But there was a lot of cruelty too. 

Fantasies always have a chance of coming true.  Maybe there will be a good drug for BPD one day.  Of course, we then will have to worry about our exes finding someone new in much better health!

[corraline]

I wish i was evolved enuff to wish that for him but honestly i am not right now