Today is the wedding

[Depression = 72% of members]

... . and I feel stunned - still ... . barely gotten out of bed yesterday or so far today.  It feels like I'll never trust another man ever again, but I want to.  I know the r/s he's in most likely isn't any healthier at its foundation than ours was, but I think it's the suddenness of everything and that I was so badly wounded by the time I chewed off my own leg to escape, it's incredible to me that he just replaced me so easily, so quickly.  I'll get over it, but feeling unspecial, unadorned, unlucky and undesirable today.  Say a prayer for me if you believe in prayer, please.  I have to try shoving myself out a door today.  Maybe go to the beach or something.  Smh  Hugs to all hurting today.   

[blue_skies_ahead]

... . and I feel stunned - still ... . barely gotten out of bed yesterday or so far today.  It feels like I'll never trust another man ever again, but I want to.  I know the r/s he's in most likely isn't any healthier at its foundation than ours was, but I think it's the suddenness of everything and that I was so badly wounded by the time I chewed off my own leg to escape, it's incredible to me that he just replaced me so easily, so quickly.  I'll get over it, but feeling unspecial, unadorned, unlucky and undesirable today.  Say a prayer for me if you believe in prayer, please.  I have to try shoving myself out a door today.  Maybe go to the beach or something.  Smh  Hugs to all hurting today.   

[free-n-clear]

   I feel for you, blue skies. It's hard to get our heads around how something so good can so quickly go all pear-shaped, leaving us hurt and confused while they just waltz straight into their next conquest. I'll say that prayer for you today if you'll say one for me tomorrow, ok? It'll be my birthday, the first one since my break-up. Hoping she'll call. Hoping she won't. Don't want to hear from her. So want to hear from her. Arrrgh!

[blue_skies_ahead]

Thanks Freenclear. A prayer is available for you tomorrow and the next tomorrow if you need it.  I still haven't gotten out of bed.  Sigh.  I was 19 when we met.  We were together 22 years.  I emerged out the end of this drama broken in some essential ways and not broken in others, but that lost time ... . my youth, I'll never get back.  This is rough.

[clairedair]

Hey Blue_skies-ahead,

Thinking of you today. 

I too was married over 20 years after meeting at 18 and exH remarried 8 months after leaving me for the last time (very on and off latterly).  I wasn't so bad on the day of the wedding because I was mostly relieved that he wouldn't be coming and going and I could get on with my life but I completely identify with not feeling special or desirable.  The 'not good enough' feeling can grab me at the most unexpected times.  Last night it was watching an episode of NCIS! Feeling that most of your adult life has been somehow lost is also something I recognise.

As much as I 'get' BPD at times (exH not diagnosed but the stories here are so familiar), I still find myself incredibly confused and hurt by his words and actions.  However, I do feel so much better now that I have had time and space to heal and grieve.  And I think this is where the difference will lie in the long term.  I don't believe our ex-husbands have grieved properly - not because we were so forgettable but because it would have been too hard.  I get that in a way - if I always had someone on hand to distract me from my pain, I'd be tempted too!  But we have the chance to mourn and learn.  Seems unfair at times to be doing the hard work when they seem to be enjoying a honeymoon period but we will be the healthier individuals and more likely to have healthy relationships in future.

Hope you get to the beach.  I went away the weekend he remarried and caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in some time.  Not only did I have some distraction, it meant that my memory of the weekend was not so much his wedding but seeing my friend.

How are you feeling now?

take care,

Claire 

[blue_skies_ahead]

Claire - listening to goth music and rejoicing in not having having to be there right now.  Kinda.  Hugs.

[imstronghere2]

bsa - you're 41.  You still have A LOT to offer and A LOT of time to offer it even though it doesn't seem like it now.  I've been divorced for 2.5 years, was with my exwBPD for 22 years, 19 of them married.  I'm 52.  I've got sole custody of our S14 and support our D20 while she works her way through college.  We don't have any extended family so I'm all they've got.  Their mother has since moved several states away and is now completely out of their lives.  She married the POS she was having her affair with almost 1 year exactly from the day of our divorce.

It takes a long time to come to grips with what happened to us.  We invested so much time and energy into something that was all just a lie but it wasn't our fault.  What I'm doing now is figuring out where my life is supposed to go from here.  Not really sure about that yet but I've got peace at my home for me and my son and my daughter when she she drops by.  No more drama or chaos.  Non of us are angry any more.  Sure, we struggle but that's life.

You did the BEST thing you could ever have done by getting away from it.  He's somebody else's problem now and you have your life back!

[clairedair]

How are you feeling today blue_skies_ahead?

Hopefully, you will find that the intensity of these times when everything is stirred up diminishes and the time they affect you decreases. I find nine months on that I am able to return to an even keel state more quickly after each boat rocking. These days I spend more time in calmer waters!

Find ways to look after yourself (I played Foo Fighters very loudly rather than goth music) but don't distract yourself completely - be aware of how you feel rather than ignore it all.    you are still grieving a long term relationship.  I find myself grieving who I thought he was and who we were rather than the actual loss of him.

Take care,

Claire

[blue_skies_ahead]

Thanks all.  I feel okay but this morning for a bit I went through anger, then sorrow and now I'm quickly at acceptance again.  Our son came home today (with another chest cold - probably aggravated by allergies).  Apparently the blessed event () hasn't happened as scheduled and exBPDh hasn't talked to our son yet about it so, it sounds like things are as nutty as ever in his world.  I'm sitting on the porch listening to the rain and it's peaceful.   One HUGE thing I am thankful for ... . peace and quiet at the end of every night.   :-)  Yes, accepting that he's someone else's problem now does actually feel like the closure I never got from him, so in a way, this is the best thing that could have happened probably.   I'm returning to college this summer and making new goals for myself.  My relationship with my son has never been better and my mom is visiting ... . something that was near to impossible to happen peacefully in my marriage.  Tonight is good.   I'm so thankful to everyone here for kidding me up.  This is my family on the www.  :-)