6 days out from very last N/C. Trying to look at myself now and the whys.

[tinkerbell09]

Sleeping better, that's for sure. Took two days and worked hard on physical things and my yard. It's still very early in N/C, so not enough time to get lots of perspective on the r/s. Trying to regain balance and look at some of the things that were going on in my life that led me down the rabbit hole for two years... . (I read rabbit hole in a post, and it fits very well!)

It's been 6 months since the last recycle, and I almost got sucked back in by breaking N/C 3 weeks ago. It was a mistake. I reset N/C 6 days ago now, and mean it. No more! I'm turning my focus to taking care of myself. In doing that, I need to look at what was going on with me when this all got started.

I was not in the best place, physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. A close family member had recently died after a long illness, and my marriage of 16 years had broken up. I was tired, in many ways, and started going online more and more and more. Then I "meet" someone online at a game... (very foolish, I see that now)... . who becomes my "friend", then starts saying things like... "I love you more then anything or anyone."... "You're so beautiful, you're so special."... . "You're my everything"... "I love you and want to marry you in the real world"... . and more, all within 5 days of us becoming a "couple". In my rational mind, I knew there was something not right about this. My gut kept saying,"RUN!"... . but my ego and my self-esteem were soaking up the "love" like a sponge soaks up water. I see that I was not in the best place in my life at that time. I was vulnerable in a lot of ways, and naive also about internet "relationships." I was easy pickings for someone that needed a caretaker... and someone to idealize/devalue.

I could blame my exBPDbf completely... . but I had a part in how things went. Why on Earth I put up with the roller-coaster for two years is something I'm trying to figure out? To not EVER do something like that again, and to learn is why I'm here. I didn't really know a lot about PD's before this... . and I've learned it's very easy to try to hide them by "meeting" people online. I'm still wrapping my head around how I let someone fool me when I knew there was something wrong, when my gut kept yelling at me. Still wrapping my head around why on Earth I had an internet "relationship" as well... . pondering...

Thoughts would be welcome... thank you:)

[Sunny Side]

Hang in tinkerbell and keep expressing.  My situation with my uBPDexgf was similar, as it seems a lot of ours are.  I'm doing the same things you are now in getting to the roots of why I entered (I was in a very vulnerable place, too) and just exactly who I was trying to save.  I know more answers will become apparent over time and as long as we are legitimately trying to do the work and legitimately trying to reestablish a healthy life, more clarity and peace will come. 

Receiving a letter from her yesterday, I thought I was going to have a very difficult night sleeping, but luckily my exhaustion allowed me to hit the pillow and rest comfortably.  I think, like all things, it's going to take time to grieve the end of these r/s's.  I'm still shifting pictures around the house -- don't have the nerve to throw them out yet! -- and feeling the occasional "kick in the stomach" when I think about it too long.

But I think a key, among many, is that what I'm mourning the loss of is not necessarily my BPDexgf -- the behaviors, mine and hers, were just too maddening -- but the mirage of what that r/s was.  Even in the face of much evidence to the contrary.

When I think honestly about it I was miserable for quite some time, shut off from friends, family and others.  I found myself staying home so I wouldn't feel guilty that I was betraying her (somehow) by going out, and we spoke probably daily for the last 14 months, fighting through many crises and drama.  During the dysregulated times I remember telling myself many times "End it.  Get out.  This cannot work.  You're a fool."  Yet, I stayed and that "bond" doesn't just go away.  But with help from others (these boards, a good, T, supportive friends), time and an attitude of 'healthy or bust', I have doubt this will pass.  But right now? My god, it sucks. 

[willtimeheal]

When I met mine everything inside said "run."  But like you tinkerbell my ego and self esteem were eating it up. I never felt so "high" and good about myself. I was in a vulnerable place to and she capitalized on it but I allowed it.  I am still trying to figure out why I am so drawn to this person. Why is the bond so strong when I know she is so bad for me. Have you figured out why you were drawn to yours?

[tinkerbell09]

Thank you Sunnyside and Willtime for replying.

*sighs*... . the mourning is hard, I admit, because we don't really know exactly what it is we're mourning, if that makes sense. Was it a real r/s? Was I just in lala-land with someone who was using me as an emotional tool? What the heck was really going on?... and like you said Sunnyside... "Who was I trying to really save?" I'm finding that separating from the mirage of it all is helping... . I'm no longer thinking "Wait, have I gone mad?"... . I don't have a lot of answers yet, but I'm feeling more like myself... . coming here helps a lot.

Willtime... . I've been thinking about that... . I'm not sure of all of it by a long shot... . but I do see that part of it was, at first, I could talk to him and he seemed very understanding. Maybe that was all in my head... . but the bond seemed to start there. The bond... I don't quite understand that yet... . I'm trying my best though. What about you, why do you think you were drawn to her?

That one goes out, as well... Why do you think the bond was so strong?

[Sunny Side]

Willtime... . I've been thinking about that... . I'm not sure of all of it by a long shot... . but I do see that part of it was, at first, I could talk to him and he seemed very understanding. Maybe that was all in my head... . but the bond seemed to start there. The bond... I don't quite understand that yet... . I'm trying my best though. What about you, why do you think you were drawn to her?

That one goes out, as well... Why do you think the bond was so strong?

On "trauma bonding" (link below).  Tinkerbell and willtime, this made a lot of sense to me .

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

[tinkerbell09]

I just read that Sunny... . that makes a lot of sense. I've been reading up on co-dependency too... *sighs*... I can't say that it's been a big feature in my life, but I see some of it's tendrils with the exBPDbf.