How could i still miss her, after what she did

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, i just want to share my stories with you, hope you keen to hear it.

I was in gay relationship (hope you dont mind with this) for 8 months with this special girl, i said special because i never meet anyone like her in my life. The way she thinks, her tragic life (she's been raped twice). So yes, she draw me into her darkest world by seeking for deeper attention and love by me. And of course, me who never been with this kind of people at first i feel something is wrong(in the back of my mind) so many red flags but she twist my mind and make me fall for her.

So things as predictable been up and down due to her depress, her cutting herself, restless, skip her school, anti-social, push and pull method. All the symptoms about BPD, all checked. She been warned me about her mental disorder, but she never told exactly what kind of disorder is it. She went for few psyhiatrist, they all said different kind of disorder but none said BORDERLINE. it is adjustment or bipolar disorder which is wrong. Though i am just 8 months with her, but i am the closest person she ever with.

She is being brutally honest about her bad habits with me, i guess maybe she thought i will never leave? which i didnt, i leave the rs because last week i found out she's been talking to new girl on dating site and hide it from me until i found out. And she just told me to chill as it is just friend, as much as i dont want to believe at the end im finding excuse to trust her. so fine, it just friend she said. she told me she just treat her as her imaginary friend, i am the only one she really love and she will not risk our rs for her.

Few days after that, my heart just get heavier feel that something is wrong. she keep talking to her all day all night. there is no such friends that you talk 24 hours when you alr have someone. The thing that been disturbed me is, this imaginary friend of her never really know about me. Basically she is single to her, so this is why i just couldnt get my mind off of it. So i confront her again, i said just tell her the truth about us or i am gone. this when the moment i know, what they have is beyond friend because she couldnt decide to leave her or to stay with me.

So here i am broken, and left alone because she has choose her over me. Choose her new toys over her old toys that been there for her all along. So did keep messaging me asking me to stay and dont leave her. She wants to keep both of us as friends, but i dont buy her BS anymore. She even dare to say SHE IS NOT A CHEATER! gosh I know her motives, i dont want to be her safety net. Im out, so i told her yest that she has deep and dark issues to settle. And i am leaving her now because of her illness but because of the betrayal. And i cant be friends with someone who stab me on the back. She told me "she is tired with everyone  diagnose her with so many disorder, she cant take it anymore" i told her, i am 80% sure she has BPD not anything else. and then she replied me "she is truly sorry of what i need her to be sorry of"

that was it, thats all i get from her and i block her everywhere. phone, message, social media. but IT HURTS SO BAD, eventho i know its her illness talking. But i just couldnt believe she did this.

Deep down, i still want her back. I still love her, i still miss her. but i know it wont bring any good to me. Just mess. I did feel bad of telling her that she really do have mental illness and leave her as that. Do you think i make the wrong moves? Do you think this is the best for me?

Appreciate your reply, hope i can get clarity soon

[panda87]

Well, i just want to share my stories with you, hope you keen to hear it.

I was in gay relationship (hope you dont mind with this) for 8 months with this special girl, i said special because i never meet anyone like her in my life. The way she thinks, her tragic life (she's been raped twice). So yes, she draw me into her darkest world by seeking for deeper attention and love by me. And of course, me who never been with this kind of people at first i feel something is wrong(in the back of my mind) so many red flags but she twist my mind and make me fall for her.

So things as predictable been up and down due to her depress, her cutting herself, restless, skip her school, anti-social, push and pull method. All the symptoms about BPD, all checked. She been warned me about her mental disorder, but she never told exactly what kind of disorder is it. She went for few psyhiatrist, they all said different kind of disorder but none said BORDERLINE. it is adjustment or bipolar disorder which is wrong. Though i am just 8 months with her, but i am the closest person she ever with.

She is being brutally honest about her bad habits with me, i guess maybe she thought i will never leave? which i didnt, i leave the rs because last week i found out she's been talking to new girl on dating site and hide it from me until i found out. And she just told me to chill as it is just friend, as much as i dont want to believe at the end im finding excuse to trust her. so fine, it just friend she said. she told me she just treat her as her imaginary friend, i am the only one she really love and she will not risk our rs for her.

Few days after that, my heart just get heavier feel that something is wrong. she keep talking to her all day all night. there is no such friends that you talk 24 hours when you alr have someone. The thing that been disturbed me is, this imaginary friend of her never really know about me. Basically she is single to her, so this is why i just couldnt get my mind off of it. So i confront her again, i said just tell her the truth about us or i am gone. this when the moment i know, what they have is beyond friend because she couldnt decide to leave her or to stay with me.

So here i am broken, and left alone because she has choose her over me. Choose her new toys over her old toys that been there for her all along. So did keep messaging me asking me to stay and dont leave her. She wants to keep both of us as friends, but i dont buy her BS anymore. She even dare to say SHE IS NOT A CHEATER! gosh I know her motives, i dont want to be her safety net. Im out, so i told her yest that she has deep and dark issues to settle. And i am leaving her now because of her illness but because of the betrayal. And i cant be friends with someone who stab me on the back. She told me "she is tired with everyone  diagnose her with so many disorder, she cant take it anymore" i told her, i am 80% sure she has BPD not anything else. and then she replied me "she is truly sorry of what i need her to be sorry of"

that was it, thats all i get from her and i block her everywhere. phone, message, social media. but IT HURTS SO BAD, eventho i know its her illness talking. But i just couldnt believe she did this.

Deep down, i still want her back. I still love her, i still miss her. but i know it wont bring any good to me. Just mess. I did feel bad of telling her that she really do have mental illness and leave her as that. Do you think i make the wrong moves? Do you think this is the best for me?

Appreciate your reply, hope i can get clarity soon

[Want2know]

Sorry to hear this is causing you pain. 

Only you know if this is the right thing for you.  Personally, I would not feel right being in a relationship with someone who was doing what she was doing, but there are those who want to work through those things.

Overall, it sounds like you need some time to figure some things out.  To start taking care of yourself and creating a life that is not dependent on her.  Do you have other friends or people you can talk to or hang out with?

[seeking balance]

 

I know this is all so confusing right now, with some time and learning more about BPD, this pattern will become clearer and you will not feel so hurt.  Keep reading the articles and workshops, more than once, as it takes some time to sink in.

She is being brutally honest about her bad habits with me, i guess maybe she thought i will never leave? which i didnt, i leave the rs because last week i found out she's been talking to new girl on dating site and hide it from me until i found out.

This dynamic is so common in BPD relationships - something like honesty should be a glue, but in fact, it can act as a trigger for a pwBPD - pushing those deep abandonment fears.  Her acting out is a result of her deep fears, not about you.

Deep down, i still want her back. I still love her, i still miss her. but i know it wont bring any good to me. Just mess. I did feel bad of telling her that she really do have mental illness and leave her as that. Do you think i make the wrong moves? Do you think this is the best for me?

Of course you miss her, this is normal - it is ok to miss someone we love.

I bolded something very important for you - your gut knows this is not good - trust your gut.

Relationships are hard, adding mental illness to the mix - very, very hard.

I know this hurts right now, but you have an opportunity to learn about yourself and move forward in a much more healthy relationship -you deserve it.

Keep reading, keep processing -you are not alone - we get it here.

Peace,

SB

[panda87]

Hi all, just an update. i was doing pretty well this week. until i decided to text her, because i want to check whether she received the stuff that i posted to her. not trying to getting back to her or hoping. not at all, so i asked her whether she received it. instead of answering yes or not, she actually ask me if we can meet up just to hang out. i answered okay i take that as you already received. she asked me why we cant be friends. then i replied " betrayal. cheat. lies. " she responded " she betrayed the rs not the friendship, she cant control her feeling SHE LOVES HER" as much as i dont care anymore abt her, IT HURTS TO READ THAT. feels likes it bring me back to square again. WHY SHE NEED TO RUB IT IN MY FACE? so i blocked her again. i cant breathe again, it hurts! help!

[Want2know]

To be fair, you did initiate the contact with her, and then let your emotions control you by responding with a statement of 'betrayal. cheat. lies.' - if there is some need to contact her, we suggest what we call Controlled Contact, which takes the emotion out of the contact, treating it more like a business transaction.  You can read more about contact after a break up here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120426.0

When she asked why you still can't be friends, what is something that you could have responded with that was not an emotional response?  Perhaps, something like 'I think it's best for both of us now to take some time to process this'.  It still may have gotten a response that you really don't want to hear, but it's less volatile.  Does that make sense?

I know this is hard.  We've all been where you are now - hurting, confused and not sure what to do with our feelings.  Acknowledging this and working through it with us, friends, a therapist, will help you move through the stages of detachment that you see to the right of the screen.

Hang in there!