Currently Under Attack...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As I type this I am currently under attack.

My exgf has called my cell phone a total of 70 times, sent multiple text messages, and even called my work phone. The text messages started cause she said I owed her money for all the things she bought me when we were together, that escalated into everything I did wrong in the r/s. Currently, she is supposedly in another r/s. So, what triggered her today, why all the painting black all of a sudden, why won’t she just stop and move on with her new bf and leave me alone……

Oh…... and she still wants us to be friends…says I’m not being one.

Anybody?

[State85]

As I type this I am currently under attack.

My exgf has called my cell phone a total of 70 times, sent multiple text messages, and even called my work phone. The text messages started cause she said I owed her money for all the things she bought me when we were together, that escalated into everything I did wrong in the r/s. Currently, she is supposedly in another r/s. So, what triggered her today, why all the painting black all of a sudden, why won’t she just stop and move on with her new bf and leave me alone……

Oh…... and she still wants us to be friends…says I’m not being one.

Anybody?

[seeking balance]

As I type this I am currently under attack.

My exgf has called my cell phone a total of 70 times, sent multiple text messages, and even called my work phone. The text messages started cause she said I owed her money for all the things she bought me when we were together, that escalated into everything I did wrong in the r/s. Currently, she is supposedly in another r/s. So, what triggered her today, why all the painting black all of a sudden, why won’t she just stop and move on with her new bf and leave me alone……

Oh…... and she still wants us to be friends…says I’m not being one.

Anybody?

Well, nothing you can say or do right now is likely to help the situation - are you normally in contact with her or is the totally out of the blue?

[State85]

Seeking

We are LC... . but this is out of the blue. And she won't stop, it's continuing right now. She is bringing up everything, I mean everything... .

[Waddams]

What's been your response to her phone bombardment?

I'm assuming nothing much?  You don't have to answer or even respond at all.  Just let her have her meltdown, watch the show, and have some popcorn.

Is blocking her an option?

[DB33]

My xGF also brought many old incidents back to the forefront when she got upset. It seems people with BPD traits tend to not be able to let things go, even if they were misperceptions. Several times she said we were going to start with a "clean slate" but that concept seemed to only apply to her.

Stress will trigger a person with a PD and it probably has nothing to do with you at all. What she can do is rage at you to make herself feel better, while keeping her new r/s happy and on track. But that will change.

My xGF wants us to be friends too. When we originally got together she hated her ex, but after our honeymoon phase she became friends with him again and started texting him even when we were out on dates together. All our problems were vented to him. Welcome to the wonderful world of Triangulation. It's not a place I am willing to be. I refuse to be used as a pawn to create discord in her next relationship

[State85]

No response from me. We're now up to 104 calls, 4 voice mails, and probably 20-25 texts.

Constantly blasting me, berating me, saying I don't care about her. I would love to respond, but I've learned that gets nothing accomplished... only creates frustration for me.

I did text her back way earlier and said that if I am all those things you are calling me... . then do yourself a favor and let go and move on. You should only be concerned if your new b/f doesn't respond... . not me.

[Dog biscuit]

Why dont you block her?

[lauraj]

Hi, I'm going through this as well. I broke up after 5 years of crap with him two weeks ago. I my efforts of trying to keep the peace and not have him psycho, I still talked to him and saw him. stupid on my part I know. Well, last night I brought up the fact that he just ignores my kids (again) and that this was one of the reasons for breaking up. He left, came back and gave me a kiss with tears, then went home. About two hours later I get on Facebook and bam, there he is. He went off on me like a roman candle. After a while I just let it go. Since he is still in the rage stage, I fear he will come by hear after work, as he passes by my house to get to his. I guess I'm going to have to block him as well. Do you find that it's hard to do this in fear of getting a meltdown?

[State85]

lauraj

yes... . I have in the past just answered, or returned a text, just to prevent what is happening right now.

I just don't get it. If she's got someone else in her life, leave me alone.

[seeking balance]

yes... . I have in the past just answered, or returned a text, just to prevent what is happening right now.

I just don't get it. If she's got someone else in her life, leave me alone.

you have taught her that with persistence you will give her what she wants. 

So, exactly what are your over all goals and what do you need State?

With LC, it is on you to make sure you are clear about your boundaries - but wait until she calms down and make sure you use staying communication tools.

Do you owe her any money?  Is there any truth to what she is texting?

[State85]

Seeking... .

I don't owe her any money. There were some doors in my house that she busted and had to be replaced... . one did not necessarilly need replacing, but she bought it anyway against my wanting her to. But, there are countless items she has broken that do not add up even close to what she says I owe her... . things with sentimental value that she broke that are irreplaceable.

She bought me clothes, etc. which now she is bringing up that I should pay her back for... . list goes on.

[necchi]

Man! I feel You, I've been thru this many time... . it's energy consuming and didn't help my sanity!

n/c helps quite a lot,i stopped giving any sign of life than after awhile she just quit. Though every story is different with many different endings,i hope you get trough this without much pain. I did ,at last

[State85]

She's at about 150 calls. Just watching my phone, she has to be just speed dialing cause the call log shows her calling about 2 times per minute. This is crazy. I don't even want to go home for fear she'll be waiting there for me.

Why can't they just go be with the replacement... . why.

[State85]

her voice mails and texts are just her asking if we can talk later... . I haven't responded, and do not see any logical reason why I need to talk to her.

[necchi]

In my experience,wanting to talk only got the crazy wheel spinning,its an endless come back of SAME. Same paterns all the time. Hope you are at a point were you can let go, if not, it will come. In the mean time,good luck my friend, hold on

[2010]

My exgf has called my cell phone a total of 70 times, sent multiple text messages, and even called my work phone. The text messages started cause she said I owed her money for all the things she bought me when we were together, that escalated into everything I did wrong in the r/s. Currently, she is supposedly in another r/s. So, what triggered her today, why all the painting black all of a sudden, why won’t she just stop and move on with her new bf and leave me alone……

Because you have maintained a relationship with her rather than telling her that it is over.

I haven't responded, and do not see any logical reason why I need to talk to her.

Because refusing to interact with someone or acknowledge their presence is abuse. Yes, your silent treatment to her is abusive. It is a form of control and can be very triggering to someone who is vulnerable to abandonment.

It appears that there is some truth to her requests. Why is it that you don't give her back the clothes and tell her that it is OVER. You will no longer be sharing intimacies on the phone, text or email and will effectively stop speaking to each other. Why is it that you haven't done that and instead chose to control her by avoidance? This says as much about you as it does her. Time to put some communication into play and make yourself heard the right way, because the mute persona is the wrong way to end things. Take responsibility and end the relationship.

[State85]

I have tried to give things back, she won't take them. She uses it as leverage I guess. As far as ending it... . I have... she won't accept it.

[barbwire911]

I agree with 2010, State. Maybe she feels she has unanswered questions and needs closure? I think at least call her back and let her have her say but calmly tell her that if she starts yelling or calling you names, etc. you will be hanging up but will speak to her as long as she is civil. I hate silent treatment and I am the recipient of it for almost a month now yet I did not even do anything for it. I can see where it makes someone prone to abandonment issues want to call and call. Maybe just give it one phone call and allow for her to have her closure there and say what she needs to say.

[necchi]

Well... . give us feedback on how this goes if you do listen to what she has to say.

maybe it would be different this time, I'm curious!... . And extremely sarcastic

[State85]

Ok all... . I listened. Was civil. Did not get upset. What did I get... . I got blamed for everything wrong in her life. She bears no responsibility for anything in the r/s. Even though she emotionally, verbally,and yes physically abused me.

No... . this is ongoing with her. Unanswered questions... not even close. She is in another r/s. If I'm nc with her it's cause I need to heal,,she won't let me.

She wanted to blast me today cause she felt she was losing control over me... . that's all.

[necchi]

Did she get a hold of it?, just a little control even?

[seeking balance]

Ok all... . I listened. Was civil. Did not get upset. What did I get... . I got blamed for everything wrong in her life. She bears no responsibility for anything in the r/s. Even though she emotionally, verbally,and yes physically abused me.

No... . this is ongoing with her. Unanswered questions... not even close. She is in another r/s. If I'm nc with her it's cause I need to heal,,she won't let me.

She wanted to blast me today cause she felt she was losing control over me... . that's all.

State - are you NC or LC? - you said you were LC, so not responding is going to push her buttons.

If you are going to go NC and take some time, tell her  you need space and you won't be responding to her next time.  Set the boundary and stick to it. 

[Shenanigans]

I am very new to this disorder myself, and I have found solace in finding the patterns. People, by nature live in patterns. Those patterns can reveal a lot. With my exgf, I have refused to acknowledge anything after 5pm. The reason is simple; she will have been drinking. If substance abuse is an issue in your relationship, no amount of reasoning or listening, or deal-making works. Better to let things lie, and then set a boundary in the am. I have found this to be far more effective in dealing with my exgf. She tends to think that she is not accountable for things that happen when she drinks. I have found that the results of waiting for the morning and sending a text setting a boundary and telling that her behavior is unacceptable has been better than expected.

I have also found that once I let her vent, or say something mean, and then tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, that it takes all of the wind out of her sails. She won't fight.

Look for the patterns. I wasn't able to see them at first, either. After spending time here, and talking with my friends, I have been able to set were structured guidelines in dealing with her. It has made me feel better, and made her respect my boundaries.

Good luck!   

[State85]

Heres how I think she works.

She has no alcohol, etc. problems that I am aware of. I just believe she cannot accept that I do not text her, call her, comment on fb, etc. like all the other fb orbiters and ex's in her life. She can't accept that. So, when she feels she is losing a little control over me, or I am finally moving on with my life, she feels she has to reel me back in. How does she do that... . by pulling what she did yesterday.

And yes, going full NC will definitely push her buttons. Do I care... . not really. I've learned to deal with it. I let her talk yesterday, I just listened. She told me I need to change, I need to be more of a friend, that she has done all the work.

It appears to me, her actions were not that of a friend... . I don't sit around and think... . well, let me just call her today and bring up all the abuse she threw at me, and blow her phone up and text her. I don't, I'm trying to let it all go.

Again, if she is in a new r/s... . then move on with it and leave me alone.

[Waddams]

Regardless of who bought who what in the past, if the r/s is over, then it's over.  If she's got a replacement, she's got a replacement.  Even if she refuses to let go completely of her past r/s.  Many people, PD or not, like to "stay friends" after the r/s because they want to feel there's a safety net for them.  They want to keep you on the backburner and hope to come back to you if the new r/s doesn't work out.  and they'll try to guilt you into staying in limbo while they sow their wild oats.  I think you're on the receiving end of this sort of thing in this situation.

Sometimes people buy stuff for others for the express purpose of creating the "you owe me" type connection in the future.  It's not a gift.  It's an attempt at creating a leash.

She chose to buy you what she did.  You don't owe her anything.  If it's over and you want to move on, then move on.  A simple message that says "I'm done, don't contact me again" is all that's needed.  And it's needed because if she escalates future harassment (which is what all those calls and texts are), then you need to document you told her to not contact you again before you can get a restraining order based on calls/texts.

[State85]

WADDAMS... . thank you. Someone understands.

[Waddams]

Establishing NC with a BPD really should include a final communication that says something to the effect of:

1.  I'm going NC.  Nothing personal, I just need to move on.  Good luck to you.

2.  Leave me alone and don't contact me again.

3.  Don't come to home either.

If you feel up to it, maybe a statement or two that is validating, well wishing, and establishes you don't think they are villains, evil, or some form of awful person.  You're moving on because YOU need to.  And that's it.  Knowing BPD, it won't matter, the BPD will still trigger and rage.  you may or may not see the reaction.  But you've said what you needed to, they're disordered reactions are not your problem.  You just need to be able to set a boundary that will keep you protected from their reactions.

Next, if you have online connections - LinkedIn, Facebook, Myspace (if anyone uses it still), etc. - cut them.  Unfriend/block/etc.  Block phone numbers if they continue to call and harass. 

And I personally think it helps to find or dive back into some kind of hobby/activity.  At some point you're likely to miss them and want to break NC.  The activities are a way of moving on and beginning a new season of life.  Having new things going on will be something that will help keep you from backtracking. 

If mutual friends talk about the situation, you don't need to say much other than you needed to move on for you and that's that.  If mutual friends are being used to triangulate you to try to recycle you, then you need to consider how to set boundaries with mutual friends to stop that.  In the end if said friends won't respect your wishes (ie boundaries) regarding the situation, then honestly, you know where they stand and what you need to do if you are going to stay committed to NC. 

NC can be really tough.  I think back to my uPDxw and a long time uBPDgf and the people we were all friends with, I never, ever see them now.  Some it was literally because in order to maintain my boundaries regarding ending those r/s's, I had to do it with those others too.  But that made me get out and build a new life that is better, much better, than the old one.  With better people and friends in it. 

It really comes down to a lifestyle change to commit to better boundaries for yourself.  I found a lot people before I did it were the sorts that had issues with keeping and respecting boundaries for themselves and others.  It was kind of a birds of feather flock together sort of thing.  Many didn't understand when I made changes.  The lifestyle change really led to having to rebuild a whole new social life too that included healthier people.  It's hard, but it's worth it in the end.

[seeking balance]

Establishing NC with a BPD really should include a final communication that says something to the effect of:

1.  I'm going NC.  Nothing personal, I just need to move on.  Good luck to you.

2.  Leave me alone and don't contact me again.

3.  Don't come to home either.

Waddams is right on target - stating a boundary should be clear.

Let us know when you do this.