No one believes me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi... . What do I do, if no one believes me, that my wife MAY have BPD?  She is in denial and blames the entire relationship problems on me and claims she "Has no faults".  She has ALL of the symptoms and signs, from Rage, to trust, abandonment and insecurity issues, etc!  She has left and filed for divorce.  I approached her parents, who WARNED me 1 1/2 years ago about setting boundaries, "she may need medication", and "she raged again?"  They never elaborated on any of their statements.  I always assumed it may have had something to do when she was an alcoholic, but now that she's out, I've learned of her Co-dependency issues, past-troubles maintaining relationships and anger\rages she had with other boyfriends, her dad died when she was 7 and abandonded her as did a boyfriend, when she was pregnant, in the past... . he promised her he'd stay if she got an abortion, then split before she was out of the hospital!  We have a 10 month old together.  I've reached out to 2 of her girlfriends and they ratted me out and I was hit with a TRO, which is being lifted... . HOW CAN I GET HER TO SEEK HELP?  ANY IDEAS?

[kfifd196]

Hi... . What do I do, if no one believes me, that my wife MAY have BPD?  She is in denial and blames the entire relationship problems on me and claims she "Has no faults".  She has ALL of the symptoms and signs, from Rage, to trust, abandonment and insecurity issues, etc!  She has left and filed for divorce.  I approached her parents, who WARNED me 1 1/2 years ago about setting boundaries, "she may need medication", and "she raged again?"  They never elaborated on any of their statements.  I always assumed it may have had something to do when she was an alcoholic, but now that she's out, I've learned of her Co-dependency issues, past-troubles maintaining relationships and anger\rages she had with other boyfriends, her dad died when she was 7 and abandonded her as did a boyfriend, when she was pregnant, in the past... . he promised her he'd stay if she got an abortion, then split before she was out of the hospital!  We have a 10 month old together.  I've reached out to 2 of her girlfriends and they ratted me out and I was hit with a TRO, which is being lifted... . HOW CAN I GET HER TO SEEK HELP?  ANY IDEAS?

[mapys]

Hi !

I think that you should seek support within your family - don't go to her friends or family - they will deny or will be hesitant to acknowledge your concerns. Concentrate on yourself. Maybe you are not thinking clearly at the moment but you need to find a support. So yes - your family may be the first line of help. I don't know - maybe I am wrong - it depends on your relationship with your relatives.

And then there is an option to go visit Therapist.

I think it is important that you let other people know how you feel and what you are experiencing - if something would happen then at least you would have a some sort of support. 

[kfifd196]

Thank you... . I have been leaning on them and I do have a therapist and a marriage counselor, that I've been going to (alone) and have been going to Al-Anon meetings, for support.  Unfortunately, it is so painful, as she will not even speak to me and is angry at me because "I ruined her life and marriage"... . All me... . I want nothing more than to continue the life and family we had... . so many dreams and plans.  We even had a booming business... . Everything is GONE!  And she doesn't show any remorse or any desire to reconcile.  She said she wished I was dead, at one point, and that she'd never met me!  It hurts so bad, since she was just saying I was her soulmate a few weeks ago and had written me love letters, etc... . Will she "Wake Up" and change her mind or is this probably "it"... . ?

[mapys]

Well, I don't want to disappoint you but there is a reason you are posting in the "Leaving" board.

Your gut says that it is over. I know how hard it is to let go but you really have to think this through - what is that holds you and forces you to accept this abuse?

If you will rationally analyze different situations where she confessed that she loves you, if you will carefully read through her love letters you will most likely see that they are not so "deep" as they seemed first. You will star to see that those are just words. I knew it from the start but still wanted to believe but my eyes opened and I just couldn't believe myself how I let myself to be conned into such rs. With other people I spot such traits very early and I just avoid them but this time - this time it was different because I let her too close. But then again they know how to exert a huge pressure so you will give in into this madness.

From what I have read on this board and other sources that are out there - I haven't stumbled across story with a truly happy ending. I understand that in order to survive and keep the relationship existing (not thriving) you have to give up a part of yourself - you have to change. So it is a sacrifice. Some are willing to take it and some are not.

Often it might feel very lonely within a relationship with pwBPD - so is it actually a loving relationship or mere coexistence with occasional benefits what are outweighed by frustration?

I understand that you are worried about your child - I am truly sorry! As I am not a parent myself I only can vaguely imagine what you are going through but I don't think that it is worth staying just because of the child. Probably I would try to gain full custody but it is a long shot due to general bias towards woman. 

[mapys]

Ahh - and start recording your interactions, the angry yelling part, the unfruitful arguments, all the mess. Also start a journal. This might be of use for you someday.

[kfifd196]

Recording is what got me a TRO... . I went to pick up my daughter from her parent's house (the town where her dad is a cop) and Had a mini recorder in my pocket... . I bent to pick up my daughter and it must've hit play somehow... . My wife heard it and went nuts!  She jumped me trying to rip it from my jacket.  I put our daughter in my car and as I walked around the front, she ripped the car seat out and started running.  I grabbed the seat, but her back in the car and as I started to leave, my wife yelled she was calling the cops and ran inside.  She filed a TRO the next day.

It is hard for someone without kids to understand this.  I don't mind changing and being more understanding and letting some things go.  I used to get pissed when she accused me of having an affair with Jessica Simpson or the girls on the Bachelor, but now that I know about BPD, I would let it go and validate her feelings on it, which would create a different outcome.  My goal and wish is to reconcile, somehow, someway.  It feels impossible, but many things I've done in life were and I did them.   I've never been one to give up when the going got tough.  But, it takes two and at some point, I'd need her to WANT this too, or at least realize she misses me, to get some feelings going again.  Right now it's just pure hatred.  I know if we could get to marriage counseling, the counselor is well-versed on BPD and we could work on fixing our relationship.  But, the key is restoring communication and get there.  It may mean getting divorced and starting fresh with each other, but she is worth it... . I saw what she has to offer... . And I love her.

[Mutt]

She has left and filed for divorce.  I approached her parents, who WARNED me 1 1/2 years ago about setting boundaries

I'm sorry that you are going through this kfifd196. I share a similar experience. My relationship was always difficult and rocky with my undiagnosed spouse of 8 years. I set boundaries very late in the relationship. A difficult thing to do. I didn't know how to communicate and I started being more defensive and I would fight back, thinking that that is going to solve the problem.

Unfortunately, it is so painful, as she will not even speak to me and is angry at me because "I ruined her life and marriage"... . All me... . I want nothing more than to continue the life and family we had... . so many dreams and plans.  We even had a booming business... . Everything is GONE!  And she doesn't show any remorse or any desire to reconcile.  She said she wished I was dead, at one point, and that she'd never met me!  It hurts so bad, since she was just saying I was her soulmate a few weeks ago and had written me love letters, etc... . Will she "Wake Up" and change her mind or is this probably "it"... . ?

It sounds like you have triggered her and she has split you black. She's feeling the loss of an attachment and is subconsciouly coping due to her anxiety and fears.

Ahh - and start recording your interactions, the angry yelling part, the unfruitful arguments, all the mess. Also start a journal. This might be of use for you someday.

I'm going through a divorce with a uBPD and I agree with mapys. Have you read Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist It's an essential guide when you are experiencing a potentially high-conflict divorce. There is hope. I suggest getting Bill Eddy's book if you have not already.

[kfifd196]

So, if she's "Split me Black", is there any chance she will "turn me white" again or forgive me or want to start again, esp with our daughter involved?  We will have to be in contact regularly.  Do I act cold when I get my daughter and barely say hi or be cordial and friendly?  I want to create desire and have her "want" me again... .   She goes to AA and one of the steps is to make amends.  It hurts, cause I've seen her make amends to other people in the past, that she's hurt and one was an ex, when we first met.  I'm new to this... . I think porn is her "trigger", as it's sent her into a rage on a few occasions and she NEVER lets me forget it.  She found 5 pictures from a long time ago, I didn't even know of and flipped into an all out rage last month and then left and filed for divorce... .

[HealingForMe]

So, if she's "Split me Black", is there any chance she will "turn me white" again or forgive me or want to start again, esp with our daughter involved?  We will have to be in contact regularly.  Do I act cold when I get my daughter and barely say hi or be cordial and friendly?  I want to create desire and have her "want" me again... .  

Are you sure you want to be in this r/s? You are recording her & she has a TRO. I would think those are 2 pretty good clues that you are better off without her. But only you can decide that.

Yes, she has painted you black & most likely will paint you white again. But just as surely, you will then soon be painted black. This cycle will continue as long as you let it.

I would suggest contact only for your daughter, being polite but avoiding anything personal. Consider what is best for your d. She needs at least one stable parent in her life... .

Good luck, stay strong