Hey.
I'm finding that the sex was merely a way to control and secure the relationship. Remember some key points here:
- they fear abandonment and hate being alone. Explosive sex will reel you in keep you occupied with them, even if they are giving you scraps. This is not healthy. They will screw ANYONE, and do anything to feel validated and secure a relationship.
- sex is good with them because they feel things very deeply. But so do others. It's not that they are better in bed than a healthy person, it's just that highly volatile BPD people give off a wide array of emotions that keep you guessing and chasing as to what you mean to them. So, when the sex does happen, it's a relief to you that things are ok.
- when the sex stops (and it always does) and they paint you black, you can rarely get them back to the honeymoon state. They are triggered by close intimacy, get too close and they go haywire. They actually fear it.
This is EXACTLY my relationship with my ex-BPD to T. The sex was unparalleled and I always wondered (forgive how graphic I have to be) how he managed to have one orgasm after the other non-stop for hours literally. Our routine meant that he would at minimum cum 4 or 5 times and that was at minimum no breaks. I knew something about this picture was off and something disturbed me about it. At first in my naivete I thought it was a compliment and then I began to see the symptoms of a very compulsive disorder. I discovered that he was a sex addict suffering from not only compulsive masturbation but porn addiction and for all I know sex period. I discovered that all of his past experiences most of which were one night stands were with women that he barely knew or were friends of friends and he never once used a condemn or got tested for STD's. Oh yeah... . I started seeing the huge dysfunction and realized that with or without me he was going to be pumping out those orgasms regardless. Suddenly I didn't feel so hot even though he knew I was the best lover he ever had and that I was the real deal.
I began to understand why he was so jealous and mistrusting policing everything I ever did, said or did not say. He would watch my every move and would interrogate me thinking that I couldn't be trusted because I was always on the verge of breaking out and cheating on him. Now I know why he was so paranoid, it wasn't me he was worried about, in fact it was him and he was merely projecting his own fears onto me.
Oh yeah it all started making a great deal of sense and none of it was a compliment to me at all.
That doesn't mean I'm not addicted to him and I feel the same way as many struggling and fighting his brand of heroine which is agony going without. I'm now 2 weeks dry and it's hell on earth. I feel like a junky and that is completely weird because I don't touch drugs. I feel empty, lost and like my world is upside down without him. The irony is that with him my world was completely upside, screwed up and utterly abusive. I don't know how to make sense of this all anymore? All my friends and family are mad at me because I'm grieving so severely and am utterly depressed. They are all pressing me to move on because he was a waste of space and a loser yet here I am seeing the beautiful pieces of him that no one else could and loving him all the same. Bloody tragic!
