Why can't I just be honest with my ex?

[willy45]

Hello all,

So, as many of you have read my long diatribe and drama. My ex has been contacting me basically non stop, every two or three weeks (2 months at the longest) since I broke up with her. I have been NC for a year, with the occasional slip (a one or two word response here and there, mostly to tell her to stop).

Anyhow, my ex graciously offered her friendship to me last week.

I don't want it. I don't even want to ever think about it. There is no reason for me to have her in my life. I have plenty of really, really close life-long friends. I am blessed that way.

I don't want to be friends with her. As my actual best friend told me today: "Why would you want to be friends with someone who hurt you? That is not a friend." She then called me a jerk-t*t for not hanging up on her immediately. That made me laugh. She seemed to have no more patience for this. It was a surprisingly welcome reaction.

Anyhow, do you all think it is immature to not be friends? I just don't see the reason. I don't trust her. I don't trust myself around her. We were never friends. Our 'relationship' started when she seduced me while we were both dating other people. I left the person I was with and she the person she was with. Then, after 3 months, I dumped her. She was acting crazy. My spidey sense was going nuts. I knew I had made a huge mistake leaving the woman I was previously with. And I tried to make amends (which didn't work). I was then severely depressed for about 4 months and my BPDx kept coming after me. 30 phone calls a day. Crying fits. And begging to be my 'friend'. I relented. And became her friend. And that 'friendship' turned into sex. And that sex turned into a 'relationship'. And that 'relationship' turned into a living hell of abuse and rage. So I dumped her again. And I went crazy myself.

So, here I am, a year and half out. She calling me. Telling me I am her best friend in the whole world and wanting to be my best friend again like before (when? When were we best friends?). We were acquaintances for a few months and then she seduced me. (I Know... . not cool to think I had no power... . but I'm a guy... . and holy cow... . it was seduction that came out of nowhere that I just couldn't resist... . seriously... . I would dare anyone).

So, is it immature to not be friends with her? Or, would it be immature to BE friends with her. I don't trust her. I don't trust myself. I know she is poison to me. She has nothing but a history of extremely destructive and abusive relationships. I don't trust.

What do you all think?

Also, this relates to changing my phone number... . If I change my number, this is it. Then it is all in my court if I make contact. And, I trust myself enough not to initiate. I haven't yet over the past 1.5 years. I only have trouble not responding.

Thoughts?

[rodrod]

It really and truly sounds like you know what your answer is based on no trust for her, not trust for yourself with her, and the other things you mentioned.  You know that it's perfectly acceptable to take care of yourself even if that means not being friends.  And, it sounds like there is still a lot of potential for hurt going down the friends road - no? yes? maybe?  Anyway, yea it's okay not to be friend especially if you need to do that to take care of yourself, protect yourself, or "other" yourself things. 

[LettingGo14]

My opinion, which is based on extreme suffering during and and after a 4-year relationship filled with gaslighting, splitting, recycling, drama, smearing, Triangulation:

No friends.

The cord was cut for me over 30 days ago, and I am never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going back.

Why?  Because I am investing in myself now.  

My anger set me free, and this community has grounded me.

[bpdspell]

Borderlines don't know the meaning of friendship due to their illness. You owe your ex nothing so don't even believe for a second that cutting all ties counts as "immature." You deserve a considerable amount of time and space to heal from narcissistic abuse so for now friendship cards should be off the table.

Spell

[Happy1]

1. Your BPD doesn't know or understand the meaning of friendship. Compare/contrast her with the truly great lifelong friends you have. See the difference?

2. What would be the point? More heartache and troubles like the ones she's already brought you?

3. It will eventually fade anyway, right? Since we know that they typically leap from person to person for narc. supply any way. It's likely in just a few short weeks or days, you'd be replaced.

What she's really after is the assurance of a "safety net". In other words, when all of the other messed up relationships she's revolving are at a low point, she wants to know that she at least has you to diddle with to keep her (literally) feeling alive.

Keep doing yourself the favor of both listening to yourself/your needs and learning how to end/move on with your life. You'll be much better off and happier going forward.

[Tolou]

I agree with BPDspell.

It not immature to do what is best for you and healthy, it would be hard to maintain sanity wehn dealing with their irrational thoughts and behaviors and attmepts to pull you back in.  That is when were most vunerbale and they are too.  The distant and N.C. is needed for some to clear from the FOG and try understand what just happened, and your own role int he process.

ITs not immature, but it can be viewed as just that, even passive aggressive if people are looking from the outside.  But that just feeling associated with negativity.  Sometimes the right thing comes with negative fdeelings and that is okay.

[Want2know]

So, is it immature to not be friends with her? Or, would it be immature to BE friends with her. I don't trust her. I don't trust myself. I know she is poison to me. She has nothing but a history of extremely destructive and abusive relationships. I don't trust.

What do you all think?

My initial thought is to ask you how would a mature person handle what you are experiencing right now?  I'm not sure the question is whether or not it's mature/immature to be friends with her, but instead, how can you be mature in your thoughts and actions regarding this recent situation?  What does handling this in a mature way look like to you?

[mywifecrazy]

This is something I'm struggling with. I tried to have a civil friendly relationship with my uBPDxw for the sake of of our (2) sons. It is IMPOSSIBLE (for me) to do this. She continues to do INSANE things that are hurtful to me and my boys like not seeing her sons but at the same time showing up across the street with our neighbor who is her new victim. I tried to explain to her how painful this is for her sons. It's like trying to explain calculus to a 3 year old! How can you remain friends with someone who constantly does things to hurt her own kids and shows absolutely no remorse about it. How do you remain friends with someone who not only abandoned her kids but will not take them to see their Gram, aunts and uncles on her side of the family because she has painted them black too? These are the things that hurt my kids, there's a whole list of things she's done to me and lied about me in her devaluation tour to smear my reputation just so she could find new victims.

I try to reason with her but we all know what reasoning will get you with a pwBPD. It is so FRUSTRATING.  Even when we do have CIVIL talks I'm constantly having to try and filter through all the lies to get to the truth of any conversation we have. Even though we are parents to the same children I see no way I can even talk to her let alone maintain a friendship.  Those of you who got out before you had kids consider yourself lucky.

NO ITS NOT IMMATURE TO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS. IN MY CASE ITS CALLED MAINTAINING SANITY!

[Clearmind]

Emotionally mature people set boundaries.

Protecting ones self from further abuse is setting a boundary.

What's wrong with protecting yourself?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi again!

As I shared with you the other day at the end of your other thread, I have walked this path, am walking it now. At some point in time after giving all you have to understand, relate, etc you have to protect yourself.  I used to think that it was cruel, (given the emotional status of the XpwBPD to set firm limits, which to them appears as abandonment, or us being cruel to them) was the wrong path to take in order to keep the peace or hang on to the friendship.  I no longer feel that way!  I no longer act that way either.  By refusing to allow further abuse your Xgf will not be as attracted to you, she will realize you are no longer her beck and call boy and she will move on.  It does take tremendous mature strength but you can do it.  She's a big girl, can take care of herself albeit not in healthy relational ways.

We are all doing ourselves a great disservice by allowing ourselves to be jerked around and used.  It's Biblical (if you are a person of faith) to set limits and boundaries.  I told myself that

I was being unChristian by leaving the friendship until I understood better by reading an excellent book on the subject.  Stay strong, you can do this and come out much better for it!

CiF

[willy45]

Hi All,

Thanks for the affirmation and validation. I know it sounds weird to need that. It is just that I am so confused. Is this a crazy making conversation?

Her: I miss my best friend in the whole world. I love you. I will never find anyone who will understand me like you do. I thought of you as my soul mate, I sometimes still do. There is a huge part of me missing when you aren't around. I want to be best friends again. Are you seeing anyone? I haven't been able to get you out of my mind for 3 months.

Me: I can't be friends with you. I don't feel that way towards you. I don't have friend feelings for you. I find it too hard. I have been dating but I find it really hard and not very fair to the other person because I am still hurting.

Her: It can be different. It doesn't have to be that way.

Arg... . reading this makes me realize I was the one reading into it. I guess in her mind, she was telling me that she wanted to be best friends. In my mind, I thought she was buttering me up to try to be back together with me. I asked her for clarification. I guess a part of me thought she had changed or something. AGGGGG. I HATE THIS.

But for context, I have been NC with her for over a year. She has not stopped contacting me. I have thought that I burned the bridge over and over and over again. Trying to both explain to her why I can't talk to her and also being very angry and telling her to f off. I thought that her contacting me

Ug. This makes me so sick. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER. That's the really, really crazy part. I started saying all these things to her and feeling like I wanted to get back together. BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO.

I feel like I'm going totally mental. Why would I feel this torn up again about her when I don't even want to talk to her? I didn't want to talk to her. I feel panic and anxiety every time I see her name come up on my phone.

Blah. When we hung up, she asked me why I thought we could be back together. The part in me that wanted it told her that I have done a lot of work on myself and that there were a lot of resources out there for couples that had the kind of relationship we had. She said that she thought she never thought we could even talk again, let alone be back together. That even if she was in a position to be in a relationship with me, that she wouldn't want to but that regardless, even if there was still any hope, we had to be friends first.

Confusing... . Is she saying this to not hurt my feelings? Is she saying the 'even if there was to be hope we would have to be friends first so that she at least gets me as a friend?

Good lord. I can't make my way out of this.

[willy45]

Agg... .

The sane part of me wants to change my phone number. The sane part of me dumped her. The sane part of me didn't marry her. The sane part of me knows that she will never change. The sane part of me KNOWS she has BPD. The sane part of me KNOWS it would never work out. It didn't work out. It never could work out. The sane person is the one that stopped trying. Stopped engaging in the fights. Stopped trying to defend myself. The sane person in me put up the walls and blocked her when she was raging at me. The sane person in me never showed up to move in with her after days of her calling me an 'a$$hole' and screaming and raging.

I went to see my T this week and he said that only a BPD would continue to contact me like this even after what I have said to her and told her over and over that I was not interested in being a friend and did not want her contacting me. So, I guess that is some validation there. He even warned me the last time I saw him, which was 6 or 7 months ago, that she would, that she fit the profile to a T (no pun intended).

So, just for me... . Here is where I am CERTAIN in terms of the criteria:

1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (YES: Obviously... . her calling me despite what I have told her is yet another example)

2) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (YES: She was like this in all her previous relationships according to her)

3) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self (NOT SURE. This is a tough one. I would lean towards yes).

4) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (YES: She was hospitalized in her early 20s for eating disorder and would tell me she has a disease called body dismorphia. When stressed, she would eat an insane amount of food)

5) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. (NOT SURE: She was certainly suicidal after the break up. She told me so)

6) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) (WOW YES)

7) Chronic feelings of emptiness (YES. I would see this all the time. Sometimes she would sit there and just look like an empty shell)

8) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). (YES)

9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. (NOT SURE: She would tell me that she would have episodes sometimes but I have no idea what this means. She was worried that she was sometimes on the verge of being disassociating from reality. But really, these statements would come out of the blue and I wouldn't really understand what she was talking about and then she wouldn't bring them up again, even if I pressed the issue).

So... . 6 YES FOR SURE. 3 NOT SURE, MAYBE.

Arg. I know this is futile. I know this about me. I know that.

I was doing so well... . I promise... . Setting good boundaries with people, sticking up for myself without feeling bad about it. AGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

[seeking balance]

Willy,

Have you had therapy over the past year?

[willy45]

Hi Seeking Balance,

Yes. I have had therapy. I started in August of 2012 and was in it until about April of 2013. Between August 2012 and January 2013, I kept taking calls from my ex to tell her to go away. She persisted. In January of 2013, I made the really stupid mistake of seeing her (we don't live in the same city)... . I was in the city she lives in on work and she happened to email me the moment I got there to ask me if I was coming (she knew I had plans to come down from previous conversations a few months before... . and I responded that I was in town but that I was busy... . then the guilt trips... . then me giving in). That meeting nearly destroyed me. When i got back, I told to her never call, never email, never text, ever and that if she felt the urge she should call her boyfriend, get a therapist, or call a friend instead.

I have thus been NC despite her repeated attempts at contact for the past year and several months.

I was doing well. I was healing. She was still on my mind but only in the background. And I could manage it. It was getting better. My life wasn't exactly what I wanted but doing really interesting work and traveling the world meeting really interesting people. My work life had never gone so great. She texted me a month ago and I made the mistake of texting back saying: I am out of the country

She then kept texting me asking me if I was back yet and how much she really wanted to talk to me. She sent these kinds of texts on 3 or 4 occasions which I ignored (thinking it would go away and she would get the hint).

Then, an unknown phone call. And we talked. And I get sucked back into the place I was in January of 2013.

So, that's a long answer to your question. Yes. I have been in T. Yes. I am well aware of my issues. And yes, I have been back and will continue to go back. I am so angry at myself and at her for having to be back in this place. I don't want to be here. I worked so hard to not be here.

Why do you ask? Probably because it sounds like I need it, eh?

[Vatz]

I think the one thing that stood out to me was this:

"... . I don't trust myself around her."

Probably the most telling statement. It's not immature to not want to be friends with someone.

Let me ask you something, let's say I told you (purely hypothetical) "YES, it IS immature." Would that change whether you actually desire and how YOU feel? Isn't what YOU want important?

Perhaps that's something you have to address.

Whether it's immature is irrelevant. Having boundaries is all-important, and you're drawing the line.

Here's a fun example, someone wants to date you. But you have ZERO interest in them. They call, they text, they keep saying "Come on, lets go out" or whatever. They won't leave you alone. Isn't that kinda-sorta (definitely) harassment?

So how is this any different? It isn't. It's YOUR decision to reject friendship (or any contact for that matter.) It's YOUR life. Don't second-guess, friendo.

[willy45]

Yeah. You are right. It is harassment. I guess it is easier to look at it from the perspective of if this is someone I just met. It would be much easier to call the cops or something because there is no baggage there.

But what with all the baggage and the years of emotional and verbal abuse, it is harassment at a totally other level. This is what I'm struggling with.

If I can detach for minute and look at your way, then yes. This is harassment. I have told her over and over again that I don't want to be friends with her. When I had just broken up with her, I had the resolve to tell her consistently that I didn't want to get back together with her. She kept calling and asking. I kept a firm resolve and said no. Now that she has "moved on" (really? would someone who has 'moved on' keep contacting their ex repeatedly for almost 2 years despite them telling you to f' off on many, many occasions?). I was very clear with her this time when she called that I did not want to be friends with her. Very, extraordinarily clear. She just kept at it and at it. And launched every kind of technique she knows to wear me down. And it was confusing. I mean... . why use all those words she did if not to get at me. She knows what works. A promise of being best friends in the whole world. A promise of having things be like before (minus sex). A promise of living our lives together (minus sex). That was basically what she was asking for. What else is a best friend? What else is someone who understands the other better than anyone else in the world?

IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.

And yes. I don't trust myself around her. Obviously. Look at what's happened to me since two weeks ago. I was going well. I was going to the gym. I am going on 40 and have a mean six pack. I was eating well. I was achieving a level of success in my business and my work that I have never dreamed possible. I was traveling the world getting into projects at the highest levels of business and government. And I'm not making that stuff up. I was doing that. I was even getting a good relationship going with someone else.

This is harassment. The worst kind I have ever experienced. It doesn't make sense to me. It is like this:

Her: I want my best friend in the whole world back.

Me: No, I can't do that.

Her: But you are my best friend in the whole world.

Me: Sorry, I can't be friends with you.

Her: But I won't find anyone else who understands me like you do, who loves me like you do. You are on my mind constantly. Why can't we be best friends again?

Me: I can't because it hurts me.

Her: Then why do you want to get back together with me so badly.

Me: I am fine. When you call me, I got into a fantasy world where everything is great and we are together and we are happy and all is well. I know this is a fantasy. And I don't live in that world. But when you call me, this is what happens to me. And it hurts me.

Her: Well, there is no way I could ever get back together with you. I am with someone else. And even then, I don't know if I could. Even if it was possible, we would have to at least be friends first.

Me: AaAAAGGGGGGGG

Her: When you left, I lost my soul mate. I'm still not OK to this day. I have changed. I am a different person because of this. You left me. I don't want to talk about the past anymore. I want to talk about the future. And my life would be so much less rich without you in it. If you want to be with me so badly, why can't we be friends. Do you really think we can be together again? Why are you so certain

Me: (loosing my mind and on the brink of telling her about BPD) Because our past relationship was very typical of certain kinds of relationships. When you would freak out on me, I reacted by pulling away and putting up a wall and that made things worse. I know the tools now to deal with that.

Her: I think you are living in a fantasy world. Don't you think you are living in a fantasy world? You shouldn't live in a fantasy world. It's not healthy.

Me: I don't know (Didn't I just tell her that?)

Her: We need to build up trust with each other. Since we spoke, I feel like I am going down a hill with no brakes on and I haven't been well. I don't know what's going to happen.

Me: OK. I guess we can try being friends but it hurts me.

Her: I understand.

Me: Ok. I'm going to go now.

Her: That's it? That's it? Really? Well, OK. I love you.

Me: I have to go. This is very hard.

Her: OK, but just don't be mean to me.

Me: Click.

BLAH,... . SO CONFUSED... .

[seeking balance]

So, that's a long answer to your question. Yes. I have been in T. Yes. I am well aware of my issues. And yes, I have been back and will continue to go back. I am so angry at myself and at her for having to be back in this place. I don't want to be here. I worked so hard to not be here.

Why do you ask? Probably because it sounds like I need it, eh?

We all need it  

So, in therapy, what conclusions have you come to about why you continue to engage - it is an emotional (not intellectual) reason - what did you and your T determine it was?

[willy45]

Well... . I'm not exactly sure. We didn't really get there.

He said that my ex is an extremely manipulative person and is a master at that. She is very smart and knows me very well so knows exactly what to say to hook me in. She told me to look at this as an addiction. That this is like being addicted to crack and that it is really hard to go off crack and then have a crack dealer knocking at your door at random times for years offering you crack. He said to not be so hard on myself. That I slipped. That I was doing well. That I should look at this as falling off the wagon and that I need to dust myself off right now and get work my way back onto the wagon.

He also told me she wouldn't stop. That in his opinion, she shows every sign that she is BPD and that I should just keep expecting this. He did predict all this a year ago. I didn't believe him.

So, the appointment was more about trying to get me back on my feet. He wants to work with me to find out exactly why I get tripped up, that I need to heal a deep wound from childhood and that once that was healed, she wouldn't have as much power over me.

[seeking balance]

. He wants to work with me to find out exactly why I get tripped up, that I need to heal a deep wound from childhood and that once that was healed, she wouldn't have as much power over me.

When you take this journey with him - it is going to help you tremendously.

How often are you going to T - weekly?

[willy45]

Yeah. I wasn't going at all until I talked to my ex. I was seriously doing really well. I'm just shocked. And confused. And hurt.

I don't understand why she would say all these things to me. I don't understand why she would continue to harass me like this. I don't understand why she flips everything on me like this, to make it seem like I'm begging to get her back when I'm clearly telling her that I don't want to be her friend.

I don't understand why I picked up the phone. And I don't understand why I feel this way.

Part of me is terrified that this will continue to happen. Part of me is really worried that there is something seriously wrong with me.

[seeking balance]

I don't understand why I picked up the phone. And I don't understand why I feel this way.

Recovery is in layers - you are ready to peel the next layer is all.

Challenge to you - stop it, stop talking about the "I don't understand".  Train yourself to redirect this spinning - be disciplined.

Ask your T to help you uncover the emotion that made you pick up the phone and then put a strategy in place to heal.

You simply had a gauge of where you are in this latest round -it is not the end of the world, so don't make it that way.  Redirect your focus to learning about "why you react" rather than "why she did it".

YOU can only control YOU 

[goldylamont]

willy45 from the outside looking in, your ex doesn't care about you at all. she doesn't care about your friendship or your feelings, nor your well being. all the things she is saying to you are lies and crap. but this crap has a purpose -- to draw you back in, make her feel good about herself by hearing you grovel, then also make her feel even better when she can punish, devalue and emotionally abuse you again. toxic people get off on abusing others, everything she is doing is just buttering you up so that she can give you some more of the poison she has in her. and you can bet you're not the only one she's saying this to. if it's been 1.5 years since you broke up she's probably got several other men/women she's saying the same thing to. if you could read her emails or hear her phone calls to other people would you be shocked to hear that she has several "soul mates"? please, she uses this line on everyone. trust your gut and keep your distance.

you feel anxious because a part of your conscious brain thinks maybe she's not all that bad... . maybe it could work out--sounds like you mostly don't think this, but a small part of you does i think. so your body gets a sick and nervous feeling because it's trying to give you the message that this is NOT true. welcome your anxiousness and the message it is giving you (to keep her out of your life). once you truly accept and know that she is bad news and nothing else, her contacting you won't make you anxious/nervous since you don't need this message... . you might just be annoyed or a bit angry since she continues to cross your boundaries since you've stated you don't want contact.

best of luck to you

[Vatz]

Part of me is terrified that this will continue to happen. Part of me is really worried that there is something seriously wrong with me.

Hey guy, it looks bad. But, I want you to do something. Start thinking of her as a stranger. Or at least TRY to because it is easier said than done. The person you thought you knew when you first got into this relationship wasn't exactly genuine. It was... . a persona, like an avatar in a video game. You fell for her pixels, not the meat piloting them.

You seem to have your act together, which is excellent. Career, success, friends. What are you really missing out on without this person?

But I'm sure this is something you're already aware of.

Perhaps you picked up the phone out of curiosity, perhaps it was your ego. Maybe you were hoping for some closure or SOMETHING.

Like others have said, she doesn't have your health in mind. After looking at that conversation with you and her, she was trying to guilt and talk you into... . what? Survey says: Into giving her the narcissistic supply she needed. Saying you were hurt probably meant little to her, she'd have picked up on that and left you alone if it did. Then this whole thing about saying YOU live in a fantasy world, well... . that's just meant to make you doubt yourself and your decision. Classic move, but poorly placed given the context and where the conversation was at that point. Mark of desperation.

Mine would call me a wuss or a b*tch whenever I'd say "Look, I'm calling 911 if you're having a seizure in my apartment." Seriously, because I couldn't white-knight her, she called me a pansy. It's what a desperate idiot says when they aren't holding any cards and they want, they NEED something from you, in this case your attention and narcissistic supply. Thanks to the folks on here, I'm able to recognize the behavior for what it is. So you should listen to some other people on here, that stuff they're saying about you figuring out what YOUR triggers are, is on the money. DON'T contact her, right now the most important thing for you is to figure out why you picked up the phone. Perhaps a change of phone number is in order... . you know, just in case.

[goldylamont]

ditto what Vatz said.

and willy45, CONGRATULATE yourself on making it so long and being so strong with NC/LC. i know this is a little setback but it truly sounds like you've taken the reigns over the past year or so, sought help for yourself and kept away from this person as best you can. i don't see you as weak in any way, you've been strong and now she's just trying to mess with you b/c she can sense your strength. keep up the good work, protect yourself and be proud of how far you've come! 

[willy45]

Thanks all. I really appreciate the support.

Looking at it from a couple days out, here is what I have been thinking:

Given the choice of having her in my life in any capacity (friend or partner) or having never known her, I would choose never known her, in a millisecond. Really. I truly wish more than anything in the world that I had never known her. That is pretty telling. And that isn't the anger in me. That isn't the one who is embarased about this all. This is the stark truth.

And the craziest thing is, even in my relationship with her, I probably would have chosen the same thing.

And in fact, breaking up with her was basically on my mind since we started dating. It was constantly on my 'to-do' list. We did long distance and we would usually have a few great days together, then an outburst, then weirdness, then OK, then outburst, then I would leave. 80% of the time I would leave thinking 'I'm never coming back'.

Man... . what a sick, sick relationship.

I wish she would leave my head and I wish she would leave my life. I can't get her out of my head. It is seriously making me mental. I don't even like her. Why am I so drawn in if my overarching goal right now is erase her from my brain?

[Alvino]

think of her as an unhealthy addiction, because in a very real sense she is.

that's why no-contact is so important: so that you can get over the addiction. every time you reply, you give power to her. when you tell her you hurt, you think this should make her stop, but instead you are inviting her to engage you more.

every time you read that she wants "friendship" with you back, you need to translate that into what it really means: she wants the POWER she had over you back.

You need to go NC fully. by occasionally responding' you are creating "intermittent reinforcement", which encourages her to push harder.

think of it as alcoholism: if you wanted to get over that addiction, having "just a few sips of beer" occasionally is not safe for you. neither is answering her attempts at contact. block her, change you number, always let her go to voice mail. because then you cam listen to her manipulation attempts with some distance and a clearer head.

good luck.

[willy45]

OK. I know you guys are probably tired of hearing my whining. So, here is a small success.

I had a really high profile meeting today in a building across the road from my ex (we don't live in the same city). I know that having this meeting would piss her off or make her jealous. But, I didn't text her. She wanted to 'hang out' next time I was in town. She said she would 'love to see me'. I wanted to text her so badly and tell her where I was and that i wasn't available to hang out. But I didn't. So, at least for today, I won! I went in and out of town super stealth style.

So, wish me luck for tomorrow. I want to text her so badly but just to be an ___hole. My stronger 'smarter' self knows that there is nothing good to be gained by it other than boosting my own ego. But who knows. Maybe she won't care. Maybe she would. I have no idea. Help me not do it!

[arn131arn]

 Good deL! Go Willy!

Did you tell her you were going NC?

[willy45]

I did not tell her I was going NC. The last thing I told her when we talked last week was that I could try to be friends but that it would be really, really hard. Her last words to me were "just don't be mean to me". I haven't heard from her since. And I haven't contacted her.

I have told her I didn't want any contact with her a year ago and have been just ignoring and deleting the texts, phone calls and emails for the past year. Had a slip last week. We had a great conversation but then she laid down all this stuff about being best friends and how she will never find anyone who understands her like I do and how she can't get me out of her mind for 3 months. I told her that it hurt me to talk to her. Somehow, the conversation went haywire and all of a sudden I was groveling to be with her (It's nuts... . I am obviously not well either because there is NO WAY I would want to go back... . old dynamics die hard, I suppose).

Anyhow, long answer to a short question. No, I haven't told her. I think any contact would make it worse.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, any contact will make it worse... . for you. And all we are concerned about here is you.

Revel in your small victory and build on it. Success is the best revenge and the best part of that is reaching total freedom. So, no need to torment her with "I was in town last week and I was too busy to see you" as it will somehow backfire on you.

One day soon you will be too busy to even think about her. Maintain 'No Contact' and you'll get to total freedom soon.  Good luck...