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Author Topic: Discouraged that things will never change  (Read 982 times)
qcarolr
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« on: March 26, 2014, 11:56:24 PM »

Feeling very discouraged tonight about life of DD27. Until she finds a way to accept her part in all the consequences falling on her right now, how can she hope for her life to be different? How can I hope for her life to be different?

She asked me to resend letters between her and a friend also in jail. I could see no harm in this as this friend does try to hold her accountable in an encouraging way. The jail staff intercepted the letter she received today and they are reporting this as a violation of jail rules to the sergeant. No idea of the consequence to her, or if there will be anything against me. Told DD I will not be saying yes to any more requests like this. Such a bad decision on my part.

She also had court today. I did not know about this. She was charged with a small theft where her ID was involved. She says it was while her ID was stolen, which I believe. It was missing and mailed back to us by a store that found it in their parking lot.  She pleaded guilty as it was too much trouble to take to trial. They gave her 45 days in jail to be served at same time she is already there. Just one more black mark on her record.

So she is feeling hopeless. She also told me she will still have 2 years of probation when she gets our of jail. She believes that it is impossible to complete probation "no one can stay totally out of trouble for that long, even with a jay-walking ticket".

I also sent her gd's school picture which DD said do not do anymore. It triggers to much for her about no contact with gd, at gd's request. Plus gd's T supports this request. This is a core conflict for me when DD is struggling. I know DD has been the one to damage this r/s, yet I still hold onto my fantasy that it can be repaired and restored.

Well, nothing can get better until DD can choose to get some kind of treatment for her mental illness. She cannot see that she is the one that did not show up for her PACE program - she does not get why they would no longer accept her in their program -- and so she is serving a jail sentence. She is blaming her public defender for encouraging her to plead guilty to the probation violation since both the DA and the public defender were recommending reinstatement of her probation. The judge gave her work release, with straight jail time if that is not successful.

Her choices and actions have gotten her where she is. Nothing the lawyer, DA, case mangers, myself, dh can do changes her consequences... . no one is at fault except DD. As long as she is unable to reflect on this and accept some responsibility, there will be no real or long lasting change in the course of her life.

When I can be consistently reflective and accept that I carry little or no responsibility for her choices as an adult and the resulting consequences, then I will be able to better manage my connection with her. It feels like I need to not be too encouraging since I really don't know what is going on or what it is like to be in jail.

She brought up that I had told the police where to find her causing her to run and leave all her stuff. Well a friend has her back pack - it was not at the motel. I have texted this friend to return it. That is all I can do. Dd chooses to focus on this often. Yes, I did reveal her location. It was about my need to have her safe in jail and not running homeless from the police and calling me for help. I said we could not continue to support her and all the homeless that were in her motel room -- "what people in my room?"  It is so very hard for me to get this. There were always lots of homeless people there and the room was a wreck. Hard for me to get that she thinks her actions are OK? That she believes she was safe and in control of her life?

The answer is in taking care of myself and my family here at my home. Continuing to separate myself from DD. This is such hard work and I am tired; sick and tired.

qcr
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« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2014, 05:47:56 AM »

When I read your posts I can't help but imagine that my daughter will be in the exact same place as yours before long. She will be 18 next month and is on the road to total distruction. I have been trying so hard to use the validation and SET technique. It works as far as there being a lot less stress and arguments in our home. But my problem with it is this... . I can validate her all I want but the rest of the world is not going to. She has to learn to control herself everywhere or how will she be a productive adult. I don't believe there is a "validation island" out there that she can move to. Right now she owes us over $5000.00 due to tickets, lawyers, jail time, ect... . She doesn't have a job although is applying at a lot of places. She only goes to school when she feels like it. I can't believe anyone would hire her or if they do that she will last long. When she asked who she should use as a reference I couldn't think of anyone that could vouch for her that she would be a good employee. Sad... . Right? Some days I just want to give up and say "well, you did this to yourself, deal with it" but most of the time I just keep encouraging her to try to be the best person she can be and to treat others the way she would want to be treated. I don't think her mind is set up for doing that.   
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« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2014, 08:44:32 AM »

Ugh. I truly feel your pain.   It's so frusterating when we try so hard to get our kids on the right path for them only to undo all our hard work doing so and continue to sabatoge their lives.

By reading your posts and others, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for when my DD is older like yours. Although I don't think we can ever truly prepare. Hang in there and take care of you. 
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« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2014, 10:16:14 AM »

I also fear my girl may be headed in the same direction.  She is attending a court ordered outpatient dual diagnosis program in an attempt to set aside 3 separate felony charges for heroin possession.  The program is just starting to 'click for her' a little bit.  They are doing some CBT and a variety of other therapies - nothing really one-on-one though.

Last weekend we gave her some 'work' to do since she was struggling for food money and when we went - unannounced - we discovered she was was snorting meth.  Her drug of choice is heroin although she is on methadone now.  She is a MESS. 

And as of yesterday, she called to tell me that her counselor told her she would complete the program in one month.  Complete.  She needs to be in a program getting help for at least a year.  It is crazy.
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« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2014, 11:44:31 AM »

qcr, you have been through so much.  Don't beat yourself up about sending the letter or the picture of your gd.  You were just trying to do what you thought was right. 

I will never understand why pwBPD cannot take responsibility for their actions or why they must blame everything on someone else.  Has your daughter EVER, during a time when she was regulated/not on drugs, accepted that her actions got her into trouble? There have been times when my daughter would admit to causing drama or using bad judgment, but then she re-writes history later on and relieves herself of all responsibility. 

I know that our BPD children perceive reality so differently than we do, but some things really are black and white.    I suppose she could deny that all the hotel rooms were trashed if her perception of what that means is skewed, but how can she deny she brought in numerous homeless people?  She either allowed them in--or she didn't.  How can she deny that to you?  Does she actually believe they weren't there?  This is one of the scariest parts of BPD to me.  If they believe their own lies, how do you change that?

How sad that your DD believes that "no one can stay totally out of trouble" for two years.  If you were to explain to her that MOST people live their whole lives without being arrested and charged with crimes, would she even believe that? 

Sorry for all the questions here.  I just don't understand so much about this illness. 









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« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2014, 11:47:07 AM »

I have been trying so hard to use the validation and SET technique. It works as far as there being a lot less stress and arguments in our home. But my problem with it is this... . I can validate her all I want but the rest of the world is not going to.

sadandscared, I couldn't have said this better myself. 
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« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2014, 01:06:02 PM »

I am so sorry for your daughter's situation. I frequently include your family in my daily meditations as I have so much compassion for the things you and all others here are going through.

You especially are always an inspiration to me when I read this board- you just always seem to do the right thing for your gd and even your daughter (although she does not have the insight to appreciate it yet).

So many times I wish that my own BPDD would become incarcerated because it would be a safe place for her to reflect on her life while being held accountable for her actions. I know it is not comprehensible to most parents to wish a child to be incarcerated - but they are not parents of BPD adult children.

My heart goes out to you for your courage and bravery and strength of character. Have you ever considered entering a career as a BPD counselor yourself? You certainly have the experience and you really do always do the right thing in my opinion. Peace be with you at this time.
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« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2014, 01:13:48 PM »

qcarolr-

Excerpt
As long as she is unable to reflect on this and accept some responsibility, there will be no real or long lasting change in the course of her life.

Your DD can get to a place of reflection but it isn't going to be instantly and it might not happen for awhile. The key is to let her find this place. It is so hard to leave these "babies" in the adult world without intervening.

As she serves her sentence you can encourage her to find this place of self reflection. Some of the questions posed here in this thread would be a good place to start.

One thing at a time. I believe we can begin to encourage change by keeping it simple and loving and not allowing our boundaries to be crossed, not allowing our values to be compromised.

You experience your daughter's moments where she feels hopeless with such sadness... . but it doesn't have to stay this way. One good thing... . a single good moment can build and build, slowly but surely into something better. We had dinner with BPDSD22 last night. She just got her 3 year chip from AA. She was marveling at how she just can't believe it. I asked her a question... . Do you see this as your life? And she actually reflected for a moment (this is not a girl of reflection!) and said, Yeah, I guess it is.

What I was hoping for in asking this question is for her to begin to focus on HAVING a life that she builds by steps. She has conquered sobriety but she still has many miles to go to grow up, to find her way to MORE. She has a tendency to focus on her sobriety and little else as if she is still in her early, tentative days. She isn't simply sober for three years she HAS SOBRIETY integrated into her life. Not saying she doesn't have to keep going to meetings or working steps just saying that this isn't new, that she can begin to trust that she does indeed live her life in sobriety.

sadandscared-

Excerpt
I can't believe anyone would hire her or if they do that she will last long.

I used to feel the same way. But took SD to job hunt anyway. To my great delight she was not only a pretty good employee but she kept that first job of hers for almost two years (until her drug addiction got in the way and we insisted that she move into a sober house after a few other issues and she couldn't get to her job anymore and lost it). When the ugly notions she carries around in her head started to take charge we could remind her, well, you were successful at (fill in blank).

We've gone through a lot since the first job. Ups, downs, school failures, money wasted, drug addiction, sobriety, anger, rage, and the awful way she goes down, down, down into a spiral. She has a new job now and is doing well. Her bosses love her but I doubt her co-workers are 100% OK with her (she is a suck-up and takes on any and all dropped shifts and she brags about how much money she is making to anyone who will listen) but this is her stuff to wade through. I am proud of her for choosing the bosses to suck-up to! Sort of smart if you ask me (and I've never been smart like THAT, .)

Q- you really have a lot to wade through with your daughter. I doubt her life will ever be anything you honestly approve of even with much lower expectations than you ever believed you would consider. Your job is to protect your GD and give her a chance to thrive. Your job is to keep your family safe and to give you and your DH a chance at a peaceful existence as you grow older. Your job is to take care of yourself and to grow where you can. You KNOW you can't really do more for your DD than you do and have done. Step back long enough to give her a chance to find that place where she begins to see that she can make herself or break herself.

I'm sorry it is so hard. IT IS.

thursday
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qcarolr
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« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2014, 07:21:26 PM »

I will never understand why pwBPD cannot take responsibility for their actions or why they must blame everything on someone else.  Has your daughter EVER, during a time when she was regulated/not on drugs, accepted that her actions got her into trouble? There have been times when my daughter would admit to causing drama or using bad judgment, but then she re-writes history later on and relieves herself of all responsibility.



Yes, there have been times when DD thanks us for all our love, help, etc. And yes, she seems to always rewrite it later on to relieve herself from taking responsibility. I have to find a path to accepting this may never change. Believing that I can impact this belief keeps me shackled to her faulty thinking. Undercuts my ability in the moment to be consistent with my important boundaries. ie. saying no and meaning no and not changing my mind.

She is being thankful with almost every phone call from jail, unless she is triggered to focus on something related to one of her kids. She holds that I did not do the right things so she could have a good r/s with them. T keeps reminding me that DD may never be able to accept her part in this mess. Gd8 has always lived with dh and I, gs6 was place in foster care at 5 months and adopted by foster parents at age 2.  Or if she is blaming me for loss or not recovering some piece of property that she is missing she shifts to an attack on me. She apologizes at beginning of next call for being angry on previous call.

I think her not having access to street drugs has a big impact on her ability to have at least a little reflective ability. And lots of time to think with nothing else to do. And this also gives her lots of time to figure out who else to blame. How can she make any decisions for her life being on this trampoline all the time.

Excerpt
I know that our BPD children perceive reality so differently than we do, but some things really are black and white.    I suppose she could deny that all the hotel rooms were trashed if her perception of what that means is skewed, but how can she deny she brought in numerous homeless people?  She either allowed them in--or she didn't.  How can she deny that to you?  :)oes she actually believe they weren't there?  This is one of the scariest parts of BPD to me.  If they believe their own lies, how do you change that?

She knows they were there, she just does not see why this is a problem for anyone else. Even when they have stolen her stuff, she still tended to defend that their presence was OK. I have no ability to comprehend this pattern of thinking. It is too far from how my mind works. I have told her I struggle to have empathy for her around the motel stuff - I just don't get it. Others in my life just don't get it.

I met with the child/family T today and the topic of DD's attitudes about the motel rooms came up. Her response gives me something new to ponder. Maybe the situation in the motel was close to her 'normal', or even better than her 'normal'. She (the T) asked me to consider some of the conditions DD must have endured living on the street homeless off/on for so many years (since end of 2009). DD's standards of 'good' are different then ours (or the motel managers', so she struggles to see what the big deal is. Same would apply to my house - her area is an out of control disaster area to me.

Then there are the times when her area at the house was sorted out - she has had a couple of OCD friends stay and things got sorted out, decorations hung up... .  :)D does enjoy things being orderly, she just cannot do this for herself. This has been shared with me during some of those more stable moments. Maybe her environment matches her state of being! My own response is pretty much the opposite - the more chaos inside my head/heart the more order I demand in my environment. There is not much cooperation from dh and gd with my demands though.  

Excerpt
How sad that your DD believes that "no one can stay totally out of trouble" for two years.  If you were to explain to her that MOST people live their whole lives without being arrested and charged with crimes, would she even believe that?

HMMM - let me count the number of young people that have been in our home that asked dh if he had every been arrested. They were unbelieving when he said - never! They asked, how did you manage that! What does this say about the lives of her friends? This question was usually guy to guy. DD keeps seeing women in her jail dorm that she has known from way back in those high school days. How sad this is to me.

I also think this is part of her peer groups. She has shared with me that being a 'sped' kid in school limited who she could be friends with to the other sped kids. (Special Ed.) They were not a good influence. The times I created situations for her outside school, usually a summer program until she reached high school age, she did not participate well. This may have been due to her LD and expectations of her performance from her high functioning appearance complicated by her slow processing issues. This still plagues her daily. Even when she is trying the best she can, others think she is being defiant. Maybe she just needs time to think. I get so confused how to think about all this.

When DD invites me to share this part of her history, and the professionals in her life respond with accomadations, DD does not show up. Like in the PACE probation program. It feels like she searches out a target to blame for her not showing up. With PACE it was the T. DD always can find a scap-goat to blame. I so hate being her goat!

Right now she has plenty of others to blame. Her blaming me is very transient from one call to the next. I am her ground stone while she is in jail. I cannot take that away from her. So I am trying to find ways to set some contact boundaries with SET or other empathy tools. They have to be firm enough for her to hear them. And like the T said today, it takes thousands of repetitions for a change in patterns to take place. Thousands.

On a positive note. I shared some of the things that have happened with gd and dh that I was feeling bad about. She was able to reassure me of how much progress I have made with both of them, and how so much of what I am sharing is love, empathy, boundaries, etc. in action. To give myself a break - I am allowed to be less than perfect! Repair in relationship is always there for me, and I do know how to pursue this. The good part is that both gd and dh know how to accept the repairs offered, and give back. It is reciprocal in nature. This is our biological design - to seek positive reciprocal relationships for our entire lives. Without this, we cannot thrive.

DD so struggles with both the accepting and the giving back in a positive way parts. I will continue to seek answers in the PD research publications about this area. If I were younger I would be pursuing being in research in some way - neuroscience or social science.

The other joy is discovering drawing and painting with gd as a true love. And also the most trying activity we do together. I got lots of reassurance from the T about this area today as well. Gd gets so frustrated when her hand will not do what her mind sees. And she gets very aggressive against herself - hitting herself even. So I intervene. If it is quickly enough she can be redirected to take a break or allow me to help her get past that point (which leads to fun). If I am not attuned to her mood, then she shifts her attack from herself to me. Sometimes this triggers my fears from DD and then it is not so good. Then relationship repairs take place. I take responsibility for my angry response -- gd often takes responsibility for her part (not always, work in progress here). T reminded me about needing 1000 repetitions of success for this learning to stick.

We have successfully done a mixed media (water-color, colored pencil, pastels) for our lab mix dog, a giant cricket, and the scene of an angel fish that is now behind our little 5-gal. acquarium. The Betta fish was attacking the drawing of the angel fish for the first 15 minutes or so. Now this is FUN. I have not gotten my paint stuff out since 1997. We are making a space for this in DD's room along with a project bench for dh.

So even in this unending discouragement there is always hope. I am finding ways to stop obsessing about DD. Filling my mind and my day with other things. DD has to be the owner of her life. I have to let her.

Some days it is harder than others. I think I will not answer if she calls tonight. Maybe I will silence my phone now.

qcr

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« Reply #9 on: March 27, 2014, 07:51:42 PM »

qcr,

I am sorry that you are feeling so discouraged.  It must be so difficult with dd calling frequently.  I hope that you do silence your phone, tonight. 

I am wondering, if after so much clean time from being in jail, her mind will clear.  Then, perhaps, she may be more receptive to help.  I would think that in time, she may give in and accept the help that she can get in jail.  Does she have opportunity to go to AA in jail?

Keeping you in my prayers. 

peace
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qcarolr
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« Reply #10 on: March 27, 2014, 09:53:27 PM »

Peaceplease,

They have lots and lots of opportunities in jail. I am not sure they are there once she gets in the work release program. Last time in jail she was required to go to classes daily. This time she is not allowed to go, or this is what she says, since she is in mode waiting for bed in work release.

There is AA lots of places she can get permission from work release to attend. She went to meetings in December when in detox for 5 days - this was required. I reminded her about the Friday night group that was mostly her age (young as she put it) - maybe she could consider this.

She is not on street drugs. She is also not on any psych meds. She says they have not responded to her psych eval/meds request yet. It has been about 3 weeks so they should get to her soon. They contract with outside doctors. They have a nurse on duty at jail is my understanding.

Ultimately I have to leave it up to her. My intuition tells me that she will go along with better choices if she has some peer support -- someone to go with her. There is a free women's empowerment Yoga class on Sunday afternoons in town that would count as a work release activity. She told me this. It is the same instructor that volunteers on Fridays in her jail dorm. Same with AA meetings -- if there is someone willing to go with her she will be more likely to go.

My gut tells me that the peer group support has been the piece missing all along for DD. All the facilities and therapist, counselors, etc. ask her to prove her ability to show up with an individual that becomes her target. She first and foremost needs peer support. She can only succeed with new friends that are being successful with sober living and mental health treatment. Someone who will not promise friendship then steal her stuff then want to be a friend again.

Whew - get me on a soap box.!

qcr
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« Reply #11 on: March 27, 2014, 10:54:53 PM »

qcr,

I guess I misunderstood what you were saying about the homeless in her motel room.  I thought she was denying that they were even there (a fact she knew you knew about) instead of denying that them being there was a problem. 



DD does enjoy things being orderly, she just cannot do this for herself. This has been shared with me during some of those more stable moments. Maybe her environment matches her state of being! My own response is pretty much the opposite - the more chaos inside my head/heart the more order I demand in my environment.

I completely understand what you mean here. I must have order and cleanliness to function.   I have been asked recently to help the 27-year old daughter of a good friend get her house organized and cleaned.   She has a DS2 and a DD who is four and a half.  She does not work outside the home.    It is unspeakably dirty, disorganized, and chaotic.  So far we've met once for about three hours and were able to make a little progress.

She doesn't have the skills to even know where to start.  Her mom (my good friend) says she thinks her daughter sits on the couch all day and then runs around an hour before her husband gets home from work trying to do damage control.  He's left before because of the condition of the house, and they are separated again for the same reason.  Of course, they may be other issues, too, but the way she keeps the house is a huge factor. 

This girl suffers from anxiety and ADD, and the living conditions don't help that.   I really want to help her, but she has cancelled on me seven times in the last month because she's sick.  Or the baby is sick.  Or she and the baby both are sick.  I just feel bad that she has dug herself into a big hole and can't get out without help.  Yet, she won't accept the help I am offering.  It's crucial that she get her house cleaned up and learn how to maintain it.  A lot is stake here.

Doesn't this all sound so familiar?  People have to be ready to accept responsibility, accept the help that is available, and be willing to do the work that it takes. 

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« Reply #12 on: March 28, 2014, 05:02:30 PM »

People have to be ready to accept responsibility, accept the help that is available, and be willing to do the work that it takes. 

Yep. This is it, leads to my unending question of how to be a loving connection with my DD without undermining her need to learn this lesson.

Got a letter from Dd's friend, V, also in jail. He really has been a good friend to her - at least when he is trying to stay clean and sober. He was explaining about how the work release program works. Dd really wants to be successful, and so I hope she can get to the Workforce center and connect with a good case manager. Someone that does more than sit her alone in front of a computer looking at job listings. Still, this will all be up to DD to get to and follow through.

I am trying to think of only the next best thing to do. For me it is finding a sense of peace and appreciating my gd and dh. They deserve my full attention right now.

qcr

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« Reply #13 on: March 28, 2014, 06:33:34 PM »

qcr,

How does that work with work release if she does not have a job?  She goes out to search for work?  If she is not working, then do they still expect her to pay for staying on that side of jail?   

Sometimes, I feel that things will never change with my dd.  I see her as having many short term jobs.  Although, when she was younger she had one job for two years, and another for three years.  It was looking promising in 2010, she held onto job for 9 months.  Then, she was terminated for nodding off at cash register.  That certain employer gave her several chances, as they were friends of our family.  And, ever since then, the longest job was three months.  I have not entirely given up hope, but I have my moments.

I am glad that you have dh for support.  And, your gd seems to be doing well.  You are doing an awesome job, qcr. 

peace

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« Reply #14 on: March 28, 2014, 10:18:37 PM »

Work release gives 2-3 weeks to find a job. Workforce is what they call the state employment offices here. If she does not get a job within that time, she will go back to the regular women's dorm to complete her sentence in the jail. Her friend said in his letter that with credit for 'good time' she most likely will only serve about 6 months of the 9 month sentence.

DD called tonight - I read her the letter from her friend to her on the phone. She said one of the night guards slipped the confiscated letter to her before the shift change yesterday. I am so glad as it was a very encouraging letter. If her friend sends a letter for her I will read it to her on the phone. I wrote to him and said this is how it would work from now on.

Gd actually said hi to her mom on the phone tonight - we were all standing in kitchen when she called ready to walk to neighbors with pizza for dinner. Dh yelled 'i love you' from across the room. This is what we have to give - that we love her and have faith her in ability to be successful and confidence that she can persevere when it does not feel successful. That is what her friend ended his letter with "Have faith, don't be afraid to fail."

I said to focus on 2 steps forward and 1 step back, then you will always be making progress forward. From a distance, if you were to be watching yourself, all you would see is the slow path going forward to your goal.

It is a good night.

qcr

ps. the neighbor's had a baby girl Wednesday after a very long 2 days. We took pizza over tonight, their first home with the baby. She is sure a cutie, all pink and warm.
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« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2014, 01:06:12 PM »

DD called tonight - I read her the letter from her friend to her on the phone. She said one of the night guards slipped the confiscated letter to her before the shift change yesterday. I am so glad as it was a very encouraging letter. If her friend sends a letter for her I will read it to her on the phone. I wrote to him and said this is how it would work from now on.

Gd actually said hi to her mom on the phone tonight - we were all standing in kitchen when she called ready to walk to neighbors with pizza for dinner. Dh yelled 'i love you' from across the room. This is what we have to give - that we love her and have faith her in ability to be successful and confidence that she can persevere when it does not feel successful. That is what her friend ended his letter with "Have faith, don't be afraid to fail."

That is really great, qcarolr... . Even bigger than tiny little changes   

I said to focus on 2 steps forward and 1 step back, then you will always be making progress forward. From a distance, if you were to be watching yourself, all you would see is the slow path going forward to your goal.

This is why God chose you to be this troubled girl's Mom 

It is a good night.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2014, 05:07:10 PM »

qcaroir:

My gut tells me that the peer group support has been the piece missing all along for DD. All the facilities and therapist, counselors, etc. ask her to prove her ability to show up with an individual that becomes her target. She first and foremost needs peer support. She can only succeed with new friends that are being successful with sober living and mental health treatment. Someone who will not promise friendship then steal her stuff then want to be a friend again.

qcr

I was reading about this community in Italy for people who have lost their way and it reminded me of your post about peer support. 

www.sanpatrignano.org/en

Thought it interesting and heart-warming and that your intuition is right.

Reality
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« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2014, 06:30:10 PM »

Reality - thanks for the link. I was very interesting, though totally focused on drug addiction. The ":)o you need help" page was a little discouraging as any kind of Psychiatric disorder, eating disorder, or alcoholism would exclude you from their program. And it is REALLY long-term commitment; 1 year with no visits with family, 3 years to graduate. It is an educational based rehab program.

qcr
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« Reply #18 on: April 02, 2014, 10:32:05 AM »

Call from DD last night was very encouraging. She shared her contact with a couple of people that she needs help from and they have responded. One is to get a reimbursement for some fees taken from her jail account last fall in error. She has asked her public defender lawyer to request a change to her sentence for daily check-in instead of work release even if it makes her sentence longer. My personal idea is that she needs to have the structure of work release first. Daily check-in comes as the next step. She is waiting 2-3 more weeks to get into the work release dorm -- there are 6 people in front of her with this sentence. Someone has talked with her about her status.

Since I put a boundary in place about not forwarding letters from her exbf that is also in jail, he is finding other ways to communicate with DD. A woman in DD's dorm is in a GED class with ex.

I sent a letter to DD encouraging her to ask for program when no longer living in jail that provides housing. Stated our boundary that we will not be providing any financial assistance with housing.

DD seems to have accepted that when I do not answer her call this means I am not available at that moment, and I will answer when she calls again and I am available. Her first comment when I answered last night was to ask if this was a quiet time for me to talk.

She asked for gd to send her a letter or drawing. She said it was so good that gd talked to her on Sunday's call. I reminded her that gd cannot be forced to communicate, though I am encouraging her. DD said "encourage her more". This was triggering more intense tone - probably from both of us. This is the most tender area in our relationship.

I talked with gd about this. Her question was "how long would I have to talk to my mom". I said saying hello, one thing about her day, and goodbye was enough". She is at least thinking about it. I do feel strongly that part of gd's healing is talking about her r/s with her mom, the hurts from that r/s, and that it can be better in the future. Most importantly her mom will not live in our home or even visit with gd in our home. I know this is an area gd is working on in therapy. And the T said this can only be brought into her therapy with DD not returning to our home -- gd needed her 'self-protective tools' before, and she can learn to let these go now.

A good day to hold in my heart for when a troubled day comes again.

qcr
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