Question About My Children and Their Contact with an Ex with BPD

[LookinInside_ToShareOut]

I am bringing this question over from my "First Time Poster" thread, as I was advised this would be a better place to ask.



First time posting here.  I've been reading things on this and other sites for a while now.

I plan to share my story when I have a bit more time to type it all out.  Right now, I'm at work and I have a question that I am struggling to answer on my own and just need some outside input.

About two months ago, I split with a fiance that was Borderline.  I have managed NC as much as possible through her moving out of my house and been very careful breaking things off in ways that keep her from trying to re-establish contact.  (Things like making sure she was able to take anything and everything she may have rights to from the house and verifying that she was done getting things, never being there when she moved or came to get things, changing locks, everything I could do to keep NC, while being cordial and detached as possible.  I had a few times where I'd respond to a jab, but I did pretty well breaking things off.)

As for the NC, she has tried less often to contact me, as I've given (and in many ways, taken away) any reasons for her to do so.  I've talked to my brother who says she still contacts him and I've explained everything to him and pointed him to various resources and asked him to be careful and make his own choices.

Here's where things get sticky.  I have children.

She and her children lived with us for about 5-6 months before we broke up.  I have not and do not contact her children.  She has intentionally and falsely smeared me to anyone and everyone she can and (I found out late in our relationship, had been actively doing so with her children while we were together.)  While it hurts me to not be able to at least talk to them again, and despite my feelings (and her taunts) of shame about cutting things off with them, I feel that nothing can come of it and it is just another connection to her.

I recently found out she is still contacting my children.  My kids and I talked about it and I've had to be more and more open and honest about her and the things that transpired that they never saw in order to try and stress to them how worried I am for them to continue contact with her.

While I have read the exchanges (with permission from my children) and she has not said anything that would worry me specifically (except recently telling them she's always there for them and that they can talk to her about anything), in my opinion it is only a way to get to me and she is using them as proxies because I cut her out.

I've tried to explain this to them, while constantly reassuring them she is not an evil or bad person.  I liken it to any disease, while still trying to be honest and say "But she will do nasty, mean, hurtful things as a result of the disorder."  I think the dichotomy of it is very confusing to them and they are now confused about how to feel... . and so am I!

As a father, I feel that it is my role to guide my children grow up and be independent, self-aware, and self-confident people.  To help them understand life and people and how to make good, honest (to themselves), and healthy choices.   And when they don't, to help pick them up, dust them off, and search for the lessons.  I try very hard to never 'make' them do anything or 'tell' them how to live.  I may not be perfect, I am human and now understand how important it is for me to allow myself to be human, but I feel I do a good job at giving them the freedom to make their own choices.

I want to simply 'not allow' them to speak to her.  I do not know how to handle this.  I've talked to them and told them my concerns and tried to get as much feedback as possible, but they both 'don't know' how they feel about it.

I trust my children.  They are very bright and mature.  I want to trust that they can maintain contact and know that she is not truly interested or caring about them... . but I fell victim to her... . how could they not?  Though I am aware that there are also reasons why I fell victim to her (and seeking counselling about those issues), that does not make my children immune to her charms.

I'd like to think that she will not hurt them, as they are not useful enough to her and she has a slew of other enablers around her for her personality disorder issues.  Unfortunately, any leeway I've ever given has been trounced upon and destroyed in the past.  I feel that any trust (or association) with her at all is an invite for more abuse.

I would like to send her and email simply saying "It is no longer acceptable for you to contact my children, please stop doing so immediately.", but do not want to start any kind of contact and then have the inevitable responses I will get for doing so.  I also do not feel she will respect that and invite me to 'do something about it.'

There are a few other things at play here (Ex wife who may 'override' my choice, should I try and force her to stop contacting them - i.e. Let her visit them at her place.  I haven't talked to my ex-wife about any of this yet and cannot fairly make any claims to how she feels.), but I think the major question is:

Do I make them block her number?

Do I tell her to discontinue contact?

Do I trust them and let it go and just try to keep tabs on things?


Thank you any and all who may have some advice here and hello!




Quote from: scallops on Today at 11:18:45 AM

Dear LookinInside_ToShareOut

Can you tell me how old your children are? How long in total did your ex know your kids? I think it would depend on their age whether I would step in or not. I do not think contacting her would be a good decision... . that is what she wants. How new is this breakup? I might give it some time and she might slowly move on and reduce contact with your children. I would not arrange for play date with this woman but if she wanted to send a card for birthdays etc... . that is very acceptable. If your kids are young I would would block her number from their phones and not feel badly about it. I really think it depends on their age... .

Understanding what we have been through - our true reality - is very hard. So much is not as it seems. This is because our understanding of what has happened is based on our view of the relationship. Our partner's view was very different. Our senior members on [L3] Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with Borderline Personality can help you understand the 10 common misconceptions that most of us struggle with as we disengage and look at ways to deal with them.

This is a good board to post your question to... . I would try doing that because their will be more members there who have gone through this... .


Thank you.  To answer your main question:

They are 10 and 12.

The older looked up to her like a big sister, but also understands better what is going on... . though is not very comfortable with it, I think.  She does trust me and said she understands how I feel.  She has not yet shared any of her feelings about it though.  I know she is having difficulty trying to tie the two sides of the BPD together.  She never met the person I did, she only knew the person who was exactly what she would want in a future stepmom... . though she said she noticed 'odd things' here and there.


They knew her for our entire relationship of 1.5 years.


Breakup was about 2 months ago.

I have no plans of any kind of contact, but I do not know how my ex-wife is towards her.  I hope to talk to her about it soon.

The contact was less often with them as with me at first and died down as I cut off from her after she got all of her things out and had no more reason to contact me.  She maintained with them, but it seemed to slow more until recently.  We (BPD and I) had a planned vacation this upcoming weekend before our split that I knew she was going to go on anyway and I was somewhat expecting to hear from her, as I did this week, but I did not know how much she had been talking to my children and that it had picked up lately.

She has shown one a gift she said she will 'stop by and drop off some time around his birthday.'



Thank you for your response.  I am going to also post this over on the other board as you have suggested.

[Turkish]

Oh LITSO (hope you don't mind if I abbreviated your name), this is a tough one.

It is obvious that you find this situation unsettling. I think that what she is doing is unacceptable. She was never their step mother, even thought here was a r/s. You are their father, and while I understand you may not want to hurt your kids' feelings, they are minors. They are your children. If she was abusive and manipulative to you, don't assume that this behavior will surface later with the kids. They need to be protected, no matter how mature they are.

The way you describe your kids makes it seem like you have a good relationship with them. Are they mature enough to understand that this is hurting you? Short of flat out making them stop, can you share your feelings with them? Not as a friend or a buddy, but as the father that is there for and provides love and care for them. You're human, too, with emotional needs as well. I think this would be the path that I would take, though only you have a gut feeling for the best way to do it.

Perhaps one of the communication tools from this site like S.E.T. might help to come up with a gentle, but firm way for this to stop? I think telling your Ex would likely escalate her behavior, though one never knows. The clear boundary might make her stop.

[LookinInside_ToShareOut]

Thank you for your reply.  My children and I are very close and open with each other.

I agree with you on many points and think that, if I asked them to and explained why, they would cut off contact.  I guess my fear is resentment (and rebellion?) down the road.  But I guess these kinds of things are just part of parenthood.  And, honestly, I don't find those things very likely unless she manages to maintain contact with them somehow. In that sense, I guess I have to make it their decision.  (Excuse me if I seem to be thinking out loud... . I am!).

I think I am going to speak to them, their mother, and my counselor again, but I like your approach here.  Thank you.